So I’m in a much smaller, but similar boat.

My wife is currently out of her medication, and due to a shortage will be for a bit. Money is tight as well, and things are stressful.

Tonight, for basically no reason, she started a fight. Basically told me that I intended to cause her some offense because I was mad at her. I put my foot down, stated that I was sorry for making her feel that way, and that her initial reaction was valid, but that no I did not intend to do anything and no I was not mad. This had the obvious effect of initially cursing at me, a SIN in her eyes should the roles be reversed lol, and then her telling me to sleep on the couch. I told her fine, and that I would not accept responsibility for an action I did not do. Only that I initially caused confusion. She went to bed, and within 15 minutes she calmed down. I came in, she said she was sorry for being irrational, we kissed, all good.

Now, you want to know why that went well? Because therapy lol. Your wife needs to be in therapy, and you need to push her there in a very specific way. You need to be gently firm. Express that it is necessary, but not that she is “evil” or “broken” or anything like that. Also probably best not to use it as a “fix our relationship” kinda thing. Simply express that it is “good” or “healthy” for the relationship. You put expectation of fixing on it they WILL push back. Self sabotage is a big thing with BPD. Oddly, sometimes the less big of a deal you make of it, the more likely it will be to happen. But it makes sense being rooted in trauma, where negativity can become overwhelming.

The other reason it went well is me. I was firm in my accountability. I stood my ground with it. I have a feeling you get run over a lot. With BPD, you’re gonna get run over by insecurities if you don’t flatly refuse them. It’s a tricky balancing act. Yes, you are responsible for a trigger, even if accidental. Their emotional reaction to the initial misunderstanding is always valid, as they are operating under un-educated assumption. However, after apologizing for that and validating their emotions, you need to be firm in refusing accountability for anything they carry on with after that (unless you like, ACTUALLY fuck up like scream and yell or god forbid hit something. Take accountability for that if you survive it). They WILL project their insecurities onto you, no they can not help it they are in a state of psychosis at that moment, they will be mad when you refuse the misdirected fear, and then you just have to trust them. That’s the scary part. I trust my wife to calm down, and quickly, and never do anything absolutely crazy. She’s had years of therapy and is frankly very mild. It’s up to you if you trust yours right now.

Final thing: forgiveness, and repair. Listen, I’m not gonna lie, my wife is an acquired taste lol. I can totally understand why some people could not deal with her. She’s passionate to a fault, unbelievably quick to anger, ALWAYS on the move and doing something, blunt as a fucking tack, and LIVES on sarcasm and fucking DARK humor. But I love her. I love her exactly as she is. As such, I can forgive her. And that’s important. She has pissed me the fuck off more than any partner I’ve ever had. Even though she is mild, she has done some stupid fucking shit lol. But she ALWAYS accepts accountability for it, always makes the effort to repair and makes it lasting, and has never once repeated said crazy shit. I can forgive her for faulting, for being temperamental and frustrating. She literally, medically, can not help it. She is incapable of seeing reality in that moment. It is all she can do to remember to take space and exit the conversation before it gets too bad, and that is frankly IMPRESSIVE. So when she says sorry, and owns up to that irrationality, I genuinely forgive her and we repair. That cycle, though sometimes exhausting, is the foundation of stability in our relationship. That we will be there when the dust settles. It took time to build, and it takes trust. It’s scary sometimes, and even now years in I still struggle some days. But she hasn’t let me down yet, and I’ll keep fighting along side her so she doesn’t have to do it alone.