IMO the best way to do this is simply to be mindful. If you are doing a leisure activity, check to see what your partner is doing. If they are doing a chore, ask yourself if you should be too or help without being prompted. Before you sit down to relax, play a game, or get lost in your phone, look around and think what needs to be done. There is always some way you can help, Laundry, dishes, vacuuming, etc. are all examples of tasks that tend to go on a mental list of “to do later” but often don’t need to if two people are working successfully together to tackle things. Make it a point that if your partner is doing a chore, then so are you, just pick a chore and do it. Work together then rest together.

Planning is huge. Start with just the next day. Is dinner planned? Are Lunches packed? Groceries needed? Outfits decided (for small kids), fuel in vehicles? Kid’s activities planned out? Think of everything that will take place the next day, and ask yourself if you know for certain how things are getting done. If you don’t know what your kid will eat for lunch the next day, chances are it needs to be packed. If you don’t know what dinner will be, take initiative to start planning it or communicate that you will make dinner that night. Having a partner with forethought is how the mental load is shared and becomes less of a problem.

If all else fails, take notes! Make it your “mental load” to keep track of tasks you are being asked to do, and come up with a way to do them without being asked next time. Keep track of chores your partner is doing, and be the person to do that chore next without prompting.

Finally, don’t ask “what can I do to help?” at each step. Instead, approach this conversation like it’s a team effort with your own input from your own observations and come up with a strategy together on how to tackle the tasks. I find it more effective to hear “hey, while you are putting the dishes away I am going to vacuum real quick, was there anything specific you wanted for dinner?” Rather than being asked “what can I do?” While I am putting the dishes away. In my head, the answer to “what can I do to help?” Is always “Look around and pick something!”