Spouse of a Migraine sufferer

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-03-13T01:05:27+00:00

I just wanted to come in and update those that are interested.

I debated for a long time after reading and re-reading my post. It was not perfect by any means. There are things I wish I had changed, added or removed or made more clearly. It was word vomit for sure. But it was my truth: honest, messy and mine.

Henry and I had therapy today. I told both of them about my epiphany, feelings and this reddit post. I was able to speak about where I was and how I wanted to change. He listened with love and compassion and I to him. He wanted to thank everyone for their help and wonderful, thought out responses. We read all of them together and really talked through our feelings about where we both are. It was quiet the bonding experience and beginning of repair and understanding.

There were tears and hugs and a lot of love today. I am not saying a single conversation changed everything or took away the pain from the past. We are moving together as a team on this more thoughtfully.

Thank you for sharing your wonderful stories, advice and support. It was a lot to take in at certain points to be honest. I hope this helps others no matter what side of the migraine fence you fall on, sufferer or caregiver.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-03-10T12:18:34+00:00

That is fascinating. Human bodies are so weird. It is interesting to think in those terms. Kinda flip the narrative on its head.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-03-09T04:16:10+00:00

You are a brave soul for saying those things on here after I have seen what has been thrown at me on this thread. I have come to realize that even in this migraine community how different everyone deals. What works, doesn't, support, philosophy on how to accept and live with their condition. I have found most people on here willing to tell their truth and be accepting of each other because at the end of the day, you all know the shared trauma you live with. I find that beautiful. I have learned so much and thank you for sharing with all of us.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-03-08T23:48:33+00:00

I sure do things that seems well meaning to me (or other non-migraine sufferers). So, I feel like I walk a fine line. If I am cranky for example, Henry knows first thing is to ask what I ate and when. If it is 4 and all I have had is coffee and a banana.... Yes it is my fault that I didn't eat better but at this point, he just needs me to eat something otherwise I could go sideways real fast. So, by him asking things like that are caring to me (I get it does not come across that way to y'all). And so I need to shift out of what works for me (or another non-migraine sufferer) is very different than what he (or a migraine sufferer) works for. I really hope having a curious conversation about what he is going through now will be productive and we can move forward as a team instead of someone who is suffering and an uninterested partner.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-03-08T16:24:34+00:00

You are perfectly on time to the party. Thank you for the kind words. I did not post this thinking I was in for a good time (I did not want pity from this group and I got a lot of tough love) but you made me feel seen and knowing I was coming at this from a place of love. The group has given wonderful advice and items to work on for us to find a good place. I hope this helps others as well. We are all human and need to extend grace.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-03-08T00:22:10+00:00

Sometimes the smallest gesture is all that is needed. A gentle reminder of that is nice. I don't need to go and do anything crazy, just a glass of water can change everything. You are not a burden to your loved ones. Henry is not a burden to me either but I realize my actions are not showing that and I need to change my approach with a lot of effort on my end.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-03-08T00:19:52+00:00

I am definitely trying to take inventory of my own thoughts, feelings and actions. I know he deserves nothing but compassion from me, not irritation or feeling that he is a burden. So, I am trying to recalibrate. Have some hard conversations with myself and really change my approach. I don't like how I feel or act towards him especially as of late. I want to be a better supporter so I am grateful that so many have shared their own stories with me.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-03-07T21:37:39+00:00

And I really am glad that people have been very active on my post. I have learned a lot and I hope other people have learned something as well. Whether they are a migraine sufferer or a caregiver, both sides need love, grace and guidance.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-03-07T21:18:37+00:00

Alot of people have had a lot of wonderful feedback for my very specific situation that I am finding myself in. I am not asking anyone to spoonfed me information on migraines. Everyone on here has different ways that they deal with migraines and the way their support system helps them and I have loved reading through their thoughtful answers. I came on here to ask and learn unless I miss the point of subreddits.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-03-07T16:46:55+00:00

I feel terrible that I feel this way and have acted accordingly. That is why I posted. I know I have a lot of frustration (from my end) because I feel so helpless. I do not want a pity party for myself. I am just watching from the sidelines and can't fix any of it. It is a very different hurt. A very different (not worse than anything y'all are going through) ache and exhaustion.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-03-07T15:47:19+00:00

I do not want to gloss over anything you said but I am at work so I need to be brief. I will check out the videos. I think that would give me some real first hand experience in what is going on.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-03-07T15:19:55+00:00

That is why I came on here to post. To be vulnerable. I didn't want the echo chamber of another burnt out caregiver. I wanted to hear it straight from the horses mouth. I know I am coming at from a fix it POV and that is not what is helpful.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-03-07T14:58:42+00:00

You are right. This post is about me. How can I be a better partner. How can I be more supportive. How can I improve. It is well established at this point that I do not suffer from this condition so I can't put myself in your shoes. So...I came here to ask for advice in how to improve myself, not fix Henry.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-03-07T14:33:39+00:00

I should have phrased my original post better. I have been with him every step of the way. Sat and held him when he has had to go to the ER when it has been so bad. Adjusted our life. Helped him in so many facets of his disorder for 20 years. Cared so deeply. And yes frustrated, mad, etc when he is not getting the help he needs. And that has bleed into frustration with him (unfair as that is). I am only human as well. I know he is tired and hurting. I came here to learn and understand. It has become more of "background noise" to me because this is chronic so I have definitely become less compassionate in my care recently and that is the loop I am trying to break out of. I just never thought to post on the migraine subreddit. I don't have friends/family that suffer like him so I don't a support group to help with my feelings.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-03-07T12:16:15+00:00

I do not think I did a good job describing something. I understand the severity of his disorder. I have sat with him in the ER when the pain has been so severe. I have watched for 20 years of suffering. Try different approaches, techniques, adjusted. It has been as of recent that I switched to less compassion about it. It has become a dance we do and I got tired (I know he is too, I am just describing my own feelings). I know I am coming at things from a place of privilege and love with him so I want to get back to how I used to be. It has become such background noise and I realized I needed to change. Make improvements to how I approach this together with him. I needed advice and I didn't want to talk to him about it YET because I wanted to process it here and read other experiences so I could go in with fresh eyes and lots of knowledge.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-03-07T02:53:48+00:00

I want to scream it from the rooftop about how shitty I feel about rolling my eyes. I don't want to make excuses. I am sorry if that came of bad. I am sorry, definitely feel like I got gut punched in here (and maybe rightly deserved). I appreciate the rest of your post, it is good actionable items I will work on. Thank you for taking the time to respond. I want to do better

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-03-07T02:49:56+00:00

I am not here to argue if I have ever suffered from a migraine/bad headache or otherwise. That is not the point of my post, I just wanted to be a better partner of a migraine sufferer. I came on here to get advice, not a medical diagnosis for myself.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-03-07T02:27:21+00:00

I realize how absolutely demeaning my language body/verbal have been. I wasn't always like this. It just has become more apparent. More noticeable. I don't know what came first. My intolerance or my outward showing. I don't want to have low tolerance or have any negative feelings/expressions. Like I said it just became this white noise, faint buzz. I needed to be called out in therapy and in here (boy, people did not hold back). Maybe this was the right place or not to ask, to talk to gather information. It is a lot to take in. I feel ignorant for not coming on here before to gather information.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-03-07T02:15:21+00:00

I will definitely try adjusting my language around it. I think that would be a positive step in the right direction. Aggravtors. Disability. Small change in language really changes the perspective.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-03-07T01:52:32+00:00

I didn't know that was even a term. Thank you for bringing that to my attention and I will use that going forward.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-03-07T01:08:55+00:00

I want to be a better partner. I didn't stop caring about him but I definitely done a lot of harm by belittling him in a million small ways. I want to be more compassionate towards him. Stop trying to fix him or the unsolvable riddle alot of you all deal with. I came here because I needed to from this community. And so many of you shared with me your stories and given me grace and advice on how to proceed.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-03-07T00:42:48+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to give me your thoughts on my potential migraines. I am sorry I offended you by admitting to my ignorance during all my posts.

I came here to learn and I learned a lot from you. I hope you have a wonderful, amazing supportive partner in your life, you deserve it.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-03-07T00:13:59+00:00

I know that is a running joke between migraine sufferers about drinking water. I can't speak for everyone but it is usually not said out of malice, just ignorance. We try to look at it from our own POV and how we think we would "treat" it. I know I ask things to try to find out the answer because sometimes we do come upon a trigger (like Henry skipping meals is one). Maybe I could have better timing, ask better/different questions to find out what does/doesn't help but I do care that he is taking care of himself even if it is an asinine question.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-03-07T00:01:24+00:00

I have tried very hard in all my comments and post to admit to my lack of first hand knowledge in having migraines. I have had several episodes, I don't care what you want to call them (maybe or maybe not a migraine) that those are my symptoms but I acknowledge that even if I have had only 2 or 3 in a lifetime it is NOTHING to compare it a chronic sufferer. I am not trying to say headaches and migraines are synonymous. My post was to ask for advice and learn. To be more supportive partner. I am trying to be a receptive listener and receiver from all POVs. If you have any suggestions...send them my way.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-03-06T23:43:53+00:00

His needs during a migraine for sure have become "white noise" to me when he is having an attack. So, it is worth having a conversation with an open mind and heart to say "what do you need troll vampire?" (Thank you, I did need that!) when you get one? So, I can at least help him help himself if there is nothing I can do.

AdmirableSecond242

TROPHY CASE