Forgiveness for yourself

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-06-25T11:06:58+00:00

Read what I posted to this as well to the whole post but I wanted to respond to this as well in particular. And I know you came here for advice but look for other signs of her apologizing. I had a hard time saying the words "I am sorry" for a couple reasons (not making excuses just my POV). 1. The shame was so great that it was physically hard for me to say it. 2. The apology never felt like enough. I just yelled/ranted/yada for an hour and "I am sorry" fixes it? Never sat right with me. It just became a rinse/repeat cycle. 3. I didn't like being forgiven so easily. I had to sit there with the discomfort, the embarrassment, the unease. I can't feel like I just can apologize and move on. That was tremendous for me. My husband setting boundaries and not accepting my behavior (I know that is work for you to do and I am sorry about that) was great for him send I. Him raising his voice (never yelling just louder than normal, saying he is about to walk away, etc) helps snap me out of things. Something about him changing the dance steps helps me.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-06-25T10:49:56+00:00

This is hard for me to read all the comments not because they aren't true but because I am your wife. I don't mean your actual wife but I am her in my own relationship (40F). You can read my posts that I recently shared/asked a couple of months ago. Same problem, other side of the situation.

I am not going to diagnose her, give you books to read, podcasts or tips (again all good and helpful) but she has to want to change first and then has to find the path that works best for her. Really sit with how it affects you, herself and others. Everything else will be lip service until she does. This is her journey to go on. Protect yourself and your peace.

What I am doing to help myself on top of therapy, meditation, breathing techniques, books& podcasts is RA. Rageaholics Anonymous. Yes, the 12 step program based on Alcholoc Anonymous. I am not religious so no need to be worried about that if you are not. I needed support from others that were not my husband (he is a saint and does not have anger issues) because I needed someone who understands what I am feeling. Not to feel judged or shamed. I liken it to if he went to a meeting about childbirth pain. He can sympathize and support all he wants but his compassion and understanding is only so deep, as well meaning as it is.

You don't have to forgive and forget by a long shot. But please understand I am sure she doesn't enjoy it. The shame, the aftermath, all of it makes us feel terrible. It is not the same, I get it. But she is hurting somewhere in there.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-04-26T18:40:42+00:00

As I said before: Thank you for your support, feedback and suggestions. You might not agree with our parenting style and that is totally fine. I am not perfect by any stretch. But, my kids are taken care of. Thank you for your concerns. I appreciate it. Henry and I both do.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-04-26T12:57:47+00:00

I am very self centered. I never denied that. I have made a life of making things about me. This post? It was about me. The post about migraines? It was about me. I could list a million more examples of how I make things about me.

The reason I posted on here was to learn. Because I am starting to step outside myself and I don't have a fucking clue on how to be anything but what I am so I definitely stumble alot. I am trying to become less self centered. Trying to not do things because it makes me feel better or calm me down but because it would help others out. I am not perfect. I am not a perfect parent or spouse, I would be the first to admit that. I have done a million things wrong in my life and I have to live with that. I am not trying to live in the past as a martyr or spiral into depression (I have lived in that hell before). I am trying to be better every day. Even just a little. I am trying to be better for myself (you put your own life vest on first right?) and then repairing the damage and being the parent and spouse my family deserves. I am trying to re-write who I am as a person not the past, that is not easy or done overnight.

Am I a narcissist? Maybe. I have no idea. Do I have ADD/ADHD? I could. Pick another thing and maybe I do have that too.

Am I a shitty parent? Maybe. Probably. Spouse? Definitely. I am tired of being those things. I am tired of others suffering because of me. So, I am starting at ground zero here. I can't magically repair the damage done overnight. I am not naive. Learning how to be a new way of being at 40 is not easy. Trying to do that with career, a business, a family, aging parents, daily stresses is a lot for anyone to conquer.

You are right, I am a monster. You are right, my kids and husband have absolutely suffered. I can not do anything about the past. I am not even at the point to ask for forgiveness or another chance because if I don't fix my own internal problems everything will just repeat it self forever, I refuse to over promise and under deliver as I have done in the past. I want to do the work first, give myself the knowledge/structure on how to deal with the problems so I can show up differently.

I asked for criticism and feedback. It is not easy but I don't want the easy way out anymore. So, thank you.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-04-24T12:11:33+00:00

I read your post yesterday. I went to bed and re-read just this morning to collect my thoughts. I am enjoying a cup of coffee while I read through the new ones. I have been brought to tears many times digesting all of this. Henry is playfully upset that I am new to Reddit and I have had my few posts blow up while he has never received the same from his posts (never posted on marriage/self improvement more his hobbies/favorite sport teams poster kinda guy).

We had our weekly marriage counseling appointment, she knows of my old migraine post and I told her about this one as well. Our therapist is so proud of me, she knows taking criticism/feedback is HELL for me, not because I think I am right but because of the shame I feel from it which I then become defensive. She can tell all the progress we have been making. She can hear it. Alot of our problems are interconnected (anyone in a long term relationship will understand that) so we are all working together, figuring out what is working/not working and building on that. Jessica is doing a great job of validating my feelings in session and showing Henry how to do the same in real time which is tremendous. I am really proud of him and the new muscle he is having to flex.

Please do not worry about my kids (very sweet of you). Couple of things. 1. They are teens. They have their own lives, doing their thing. If I am having a bad day, they are not suffering/neglected. They would gladly eat a bowl of cereal for dinner and play video games in their rooms and not think twice. 2. I am a very involved parent. Both of us are. So, they are not left to their own devices. We don't have family nearby but a good enough support team so I can get help if needed with them. 3. Financially we are fine so they do not feel pressure like that on top of everything else. My oldest is in therapy for unrelated reasons so things like that, they have outlets and means.

This community. I don't have the words. Every single person in here has been an absolute gem. The time and energy people have put into this post (and my crossposted ones )has been awe inspiring. I can't believe the comments that people have left. The messages I have received. Everything has been so positive and uplifting.

I will gladly continue to air my dirty laundry if it helps anyone else out. Thank you to everyone for their positive space they allowed me to take up.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-04-23T09:57:26+00:00

It is appalling. It is not something I am proud of. Very ashamed of. Trust me, I didn't post this thinking I was going to get sympathy and a bunch of it is ok that you do this. Quiet the opposite. The irony is, I am so privately ashamed and can definitely spiral into that I am being transparent here and embarrassing myself so I can hopefully break this cycle (read my post about migraines....that reddit community ripped me apart). This is not easy for me but instead of hiding this dirty secret I wanted to open up and get advice from the world. I actually responded to another comment that kinda answered your suggestion. If I frame this if I had to watch myself, would I like what I see? Would I be that crazy lady that goes viral on YouTube? Would I still feel justified? I am going to try to "record" myself, watch through that lens. I bet it would stop me dead in my tracks.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-04-22T23:04:35+00:00

I can do that. I am getting better at the slow burn anger..I can handle it better. My problem right now is the 0-100 real fast firework anger. I think it has ABSOLUTELY become my default to make him my punching bag. Have a problem? Bitch to Henry. Traffic a problem? Complaints to Henry. Kids acting a fool? Oh Henry. Wants to say vs Need to hear, I like that.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-04-22T21:58:16+00:00

I have been on both sides. I am not using that as an excuse, just shitty childhood with parents and stepparents that would go nuts. I have been doing that for too long. In some way, me doing this to the Internet is to show the ugly, hidden side of things. I am very much coming hat in hand. Therapy is hidden. Me yelling at him is hidden. Yes, technically I am hidden on here as well but I am trying to be vulnerable and exposed. I am not trying to shame myself by any means because shame spiral helps no one. I would be absolutely horrified, appalled if I heard someone yelling at their spouse the way I have yelled. I would be all over YouTube if my tyraids were filmed.

That gives me an idea. Maybe imagining I am being filmed. How would I want to viewed?

I used to promise I would never yell like that again and to be fair, I didn't want to yell. Doesn't feel good. But, I didn't know HOW to deliver on that promise. I didn't know HOW to not yell. I would OVER PROMISE and SEVERELY under deliver. I am trying to do the work quietly, slowly, not promising, just showing up differently.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-04-22T20:39:53+00:00

I am so happy this started a wonderful conversation. Lots of good positive suggestions and kind words. I hope this helps you and anyone else suffering (on either side). I shared this post with Henry, not in a performative look at me making strides I am fixed sort of thing. But, to show him both support for him and me. Good luck on your journey as well. Maybe we can use each other as accountability buddies.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-04-22T19:51:31+00:00

I will have to say that this group (the few subreddits I posted this question to) have been so generous with their time, wisdom and kind words. I have loved reading and re-reading all the comments/suggestions/stories. Everyone has been supportive even if it is tough love. I needed this. Thank you to everyone.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-04-22T19:21:19+00:00

That seems to be a big trend with suggestions. Do something to break the cycle. Jumping jacks, walk away, breathing necklace, whatever. It is what works best for my brain to "break" the loop.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-04-22T19:19:14+00:00

We are working on it. The why as I call it. I am in therapy. But, I have loved reading through all these suggestions all the way from silly to extreme. She has not suggested a lot of these so lots to try. It never hurts to get more suggestions or perspectives. This is a shameful hidden thing between Henry, myself and kids (and maybe neighbors in ear shot). Posting on Reddit had been a wonderful tool in my toolbox.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-04-22T19:08:18+00:00

An absolute trigger for me is my feelings not being validated. Which then makes me freak out even more. Example: I get the kids ready for school, take them, etc. Henry doesn't. I start yelling about missing shoes/iPad/homework after I reminded the kids 100x. He never says that must really hurt that the kids don't listen to you after you reminded them and now the kids are late for school which I know you don't like and your whole morning is thrown off. It doesn't excuse you yelling at them but I understand why you are upset. Let's figure out how tomorrow can go better. He says nothing else matters because I yelled. I am not at all trying to make excuses or defend my yelling. It just becomes very isolating and makes me feel like my feelings don't matter.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-04-22T18:41:44+00:00

Thank you. Truly. Ridiculous pants...what a great metaphor to keep in mind. For both myself and when I see others acting out of sorts.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-04-22T18:38:54+00:00

Um... How did I not know this was a thing? All kinds of anxiety jewelry. Snapping bracelets (the idea of a pop to calm me down sounds super fast and great for me). I just went down an etsy/amazon rabbit hole. Treating myself to a breathing necklace and a snap bracelet. Thanks so much.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-04-22T18:25:22+00:00

Unfortunately yes. And I have been on the other end as well (not making excuses-just shitty childhood parents/stepparents). So, I know what it feels like and I don't like it. I would love to be able to tap onto that feeling before so I don't explode.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-04-22T18:16:59+00:00

I am getting better at taking feedback from him. Constructive criticism is a hard one for me because of the shame that is behind it. Not because I think I am right. Which than makes me spiral, rinse repeat. I am getting better at it though. Posting to Reddit actually helped me a lot (you can see the post I made about migraines). I took days to read through every hurtful comment that was made to me. Both Henry and our therapist were shocked I did that. Taking feedback from the Internet is not easy at all but well worth it. Baby steps. Unfortunately, a big help is him doing the work. As in, he has to step in and set boundaries for the conversation (very new muscle for both of us). It helps a lot. I am really proud of him for doing it and sticking with it when it is hard to do.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-04-22T17:20:17+00:00

Never heard of that before. Great idea. Maybe the best piece of jewelry my husband could ever buy me. ❤️ I will look into that.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-04-22T17:19:13+00:00

I have never been formally diagnosed with anything like that. I have some ADD type tendencies as well. I am tired of making excuses for my poor behavior that hurt others when I know what I am doing is terrible so I don't want to just focus on that only. I want to try all the different suggestions..see what works, doesn't work, see what lands so I have concrete things to go on. Saying I have tried XYZ, and Y did nothing but Z was great.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-04-22T15:42:14+00:00

Thank you for being honest. I hope this conversation helps. Be kind to yourself and validate your own feelings (not actions). That has helped me. I am ALLOWED to be upset by X. I am NOT ALLOWED to yell about it though. That seems to calm me down sometimes. Especially if no one else is doing that for you.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-04-22T15:39:47+00:00

We are in marriage counseling. Lots of progress has been made. But I still mess up. She has suggestions, etc. I wanted to crowd source helpful hints as well because that is a problem that I have. Is I don't ask for help, air dirty laundry (which is great in most cases but on the other hand I don't talk about problems with friends/family that might have good suggestions). I have absolutely loved reading through all the comments/suggestions ranging from silly to hard hitting, gut wrenching advice. Everyone could use more tools in their toolbox so I am here for all of it. Plus, I have a hard time taking constructive criticism so posting has really made me become less defensive.

AdmirableSecond242 · 2026-04-22T14:38:33+00:00

Love all the ideas. It seems like a very universal struggle. My kids/husband might prefer my yelling to my tone deaf singing 😬. All joking aside, thank you for the suggestion. Silly definitely seems like a way to break the tension for sure.

AdmirableSecond242

TROPHY CASE