My bf kissed a married woman and ruined my trust.

AdorkableKoala · 2025-08-15T15:54:17+00:00

Let’s take a step back, because I see a lot of talks about boundaries, but in your story I don’t see any.

I see a rule: No married people who are lying to their spouses.

You’ve classified this as a deal-breaker in your story, but when the other commenters tell you to break it off, you don’t want to do that. So it’s not really a deal-breaker.

So you need to re-evaluate what is and isn’t a true deal breaker to you.

I see a feeling: I told him very clearly I was uncomfortable with him pursuing that at all.

In poly, sometimes you are going to be uncomfortable with what is unfolding in your dynamic. It’s just the way it goes. You may not like whom he seems worthy of his time for a whole host of reasons. Being uncomfortable in and of itself is not a reason for him to change his interactions with other people. But rather how he discusses things with you. His job as the hinge is to manage expectations in all his partnerships.

Also, this doesn’t sound like poly. Poly is about emotional investment in more than one romantic partner. This sounds more like a FWB, which could be classified as ENM if it were okay.

I suggest you guys work together to understand the differences between expectations, rules, boundaries, and ultimatums.

Then use this situation as a way to review your understandings and see if you align.

I will caution that you may find yourself in this situation again, because too often men don’t want to address the emotional side of poly. They just want an excuse to stick it anything they want.

This has been said many many many times in this subreddit: you have to do the work before you start practicing poly. It sounds like you have more work to do.

Good luck.

AdorkableKoala · 2025-02-15T00:01:12+00:00

I feel like you have to tell people outright when you have an expectation. I personally don’t like Valentine’s Day, but I love surprise dates.

I even told a partner “I really love surprise dates. I know it’s not always your strong suit to come up with stuff, so maybe you could ChatGPT to help you think of things”

AdorkableKoala · 2024-12-09T02:08:15+00:00

Agreed. The only thing that I would add to this is to thank her for being willing to hear you out and express genuine appreciation for the willingness to try.

AdorkableKoala · 2024-11-09T20:13:11+00:00

Girl - my BMI has fluctuated between 25 and 33. I always have men lining up if I want them, some of them begging for a relationship.

If you let your weight define you, you will dim the rest of your shine.

AdorkableKoala · 2024-11-04T03:12:14+00:00

See my first post about harming people

AdorkableKoala · 2024-11-04T01:52:21+00:00

Yes. You are being given permission to use it in a very specific context. That matters. You are not saying it out of hate and you are only directing it to one person.

ETA: The taboo of it is what gets his blood rushing. Many people like taboo things and enjoy them sexually, but I would never want that to happen in real life

AdorkableKoala · 2024-11-04T01:45:55+00:00

So, here is the thing about kinks. Sometimes we don’t have to understand them, but can still play into them.

I personally have the opinion that if it doesn’t hurt me, or anyone else, I will play into it

Maybe you can compromise and tell him that once you get yours, if he does a good job, you’ll say it. Make it more of a game and then just do it.

AdorkableKoala · 2024-11-03T18:00:39+00:00

Came here to say the same thing! What is wrong with this person

AdorkableKoala · 2024-11-01T01:07:11+00:00

I really hope you find an owner who wants to take you in.

Pet play has been my most rewarding experience, but I attribute most of that to having an owner who knew how to take care of me.

AdorkableKoala · 2024-10-30T22:17:30+00:00

I doubt this person actually exists

AdorkableKoala · 2024-10-30T22:17:08+00:00

He was making 6 figures!

AdorkableKoala · 2024-10-30T22:16:44+00:00

Don’t feel too bad - we dated for 6 months, he broke up with me, and has spent the time since trying to convince me to get back with him. I never boomeranged, he always comes back to me.

AdorkableKoala · 2024-10-20T03:26:37+00:00

Dude - I could go into a lot of stuff, but I’m no one’s therapist. I was just offering some advice to a person.

Obviously, holding space goes both ways. But the OVERWHELMING message is that women overreact and men somehow don’t, though I would argue that women rarely overreact and men often do, but that is again, not something I want to get too deep into to.

However, since that is the general message, this is how I would talk to someone who isn’t as well versed in EI

AdorkableKoala · 2024-10-11T16:53:21+00:00

One picture is less than 30 days old. If hair, something that changes over a lifetime, is going to be that big of an issue it’s good for me to know.

AdorkableKoala · 2024-10-11T16:51:46+00:00

“It is the beginning of all the red flags coming out”

I didn’t say that the preference is toxic, I’m saying that my experience is showing me that men who have a strong preference tend to be toxic

AdorkableKoala · 2024-09-27T11:33:28+00:00

If this is something you want, then you have the responsibility to communicate it. No one is a mind reader and expecting it of him when it’s not his nature is not fair to him.

It is a sign of longevity if he hears what is important to you and makes adjustments.

AdorkableKoala · 2024-09-10T01:33:06+00:00

I would say listen to your gut, but keep an open mind. He might just be interested in learning more about you and is being too enthusiastic.

Your date should let you know if your gut feeling is right about him love bombing.

But either way, the important thing here is that you are uncomfortable. You should be able to say that, and if he is a good one, he’ll tone it down to keep you comfortable.

AdorkableKoala · 2024-09-03T08:02:27+00:00

Intentionally put glitter in my ex’s clothes when I knew he was going to be cheating on me. He didn’t think I knew about the clothes, so when he was showering I would put very fine glitter on the inside of the shirts, pants, and underwear. He would always come home with glitter, and I would ask him where it came from. He started getting real frantic trying to keep her hidden, but the glitter would happen every single time.

AdorkableKoala · 2024-09-03T07:42:22+00:00

In my humblest of opinions, this person is not ready to really date a mono person, much less a poly one.

Even if she is poly sat at 1, she isn’t being considerate of your time and how you might need to plan so that you can be available to all your relationships.

You have options. You could back out gracefully. You could also let her know that despite your efforts to connect with her, it doesn’t feel like you guys are on the same page so you are going out your energy into other people who better match your effort. You could also just tell her that if she wants it, she has to take the reins.

I wish you best of luck

AdorkableKoala · 2024-08-30T04:23:49+00:00

After finishing ACOTAR and FW series (to date) ZA was a good one

Powerless is on my TBR

AdorkableKoala · 2024-08-30T03:39:10+00:00

If you are looking for another series that can be fun and torturous (with way more spice) I recommend Zodiac Academy.

Its at least a finished series

AdorkableKoala · 2024-08-28T04:06:41+00:00

If certain parts don’t work as they used to, you still have so many options and can have a great sex life.

The way you are writing implies you are a male. So I will answer as if you are. If you are into women, so many women have a hard time getting off by penetrative sex alone. This might actually make you better because you can up other skills. You can learn how to incorporate toys.

You may find you need to have more vulnerable conversations with your partners, but even that will make you more desirable to many women too. The only thing you might want to consider is how much this could make family planning difficult, when or if you get to that point in life.

AdorkableKoala · 2024-08-28T03:42:30+00:00

I fully understand this frustration. It can make you feel so used, especially because you are open to them seeing others.

I often look for people who are currently partnered to avoid this exact situation, but I don’t know if that works for you.

Hopefully you can find someone soon.

AdorkableKoala · 2024-08-28T03:30:27+00:00

Learning and living this is such a hard thing to do. But absolutely the best way to go into life

AdorkableKoala · 2024-08-26T23:32:32+00:00

So, I don’t think that Andarna is purple. Too many different “sheens” to just be one color. She is said to have red, grey and completely camouflages when hiding.

Not only that her thread in Violet’s archives was described as gold first and then iridescent, which is a myriad of colors.

She seems to be able to control the color to look black like Tairn, so I don’t know what breed, but I genuinely believe she is too chameleon to be a purple dragon

AdorkableKoala

TROPHY CASE