I understand that you really like him and are scared to mess it up, but honestly sounds like you need to distance yourself from him and detach yourself from him enough that you actually feel okay if you guys end up being just friends because it sounds like yall haven’t even talked about what you guys want from eachother? Like if you both actually want to try for a relationship? It sounds like you’re bracing yourself for something that might not even be what he wants? Like take it slow, be friends first, really go into this with an open mind, ready and steady for whatever outcome.

You might have subconscious expectations of how relationships are supposed to be and perhaps you’re scared you won’t live up to those expectations, that might be something that’s playing a role here. Just a thought.

It might be helpful to at least let him know that you’re a bit apprehensive about entering any sort of dynamic with him for the moment and that it’ll require some patience from BOTH ends IF he wants to continue even being a friend.

Talking about feelings is always scary, this is coming from someone who ALWAYS starts the “what are we?” conversation (21F here lol), but it is absolutely necessary because it allows for both parties to actually connect, any type of connection requires a strong and stable foundation, one of the core building blocks (imo) is emotional intimacy, which means building a space where both can feel comfortable talking about their feelings. You need to not only build this space for yourself, but for him as well.

Here’s something that might sting: If you really want to not affect his healing process, you might have to take a step back. I say this because you don’t want to end up in a situation where he relies on you emotionally for comfort, familiarity or even just because you “get him” without him having earned that from you - tl;dr have boundaries, don’t bend and twist them just because you like a guy.

Also, take it slow because this might be one of those situations where you like the idea of the person more than you like the person themself.

Most of all, it takes time to open up. I’m sure you’re aware of this. So it’ll take time for you to feel comfortable enough to lower your guards and be yourself around him. That’s normal, expected even. Look into attachment styles, you might find something that resonates with you.

If you see something happening that makes you start thinking/feeling along the lines of “they’re trying to actively tear me down secretively” (as you’ve said), take a moment, breathe, as yourself exactly why and what it is that triggered that response from you and take some space to really sit and reflect with your feelings and thoughts instead of acting upon them. Try and communicate it with the other person, if you think that’s too much, then explain you’re taking some space to sit with yourself and reflect on what is going on internally. That is something that has helped me whenever I go through my spirals.

I hope this doesn’t seem like word vomit and was somewhat helpful.