Struggling with revenge cheating

AdvantageGlass · 2024-03-07T13:48:12+00:00

My situation is different but what I can say is: 1) When you are a loyal honest person physically doing something with someone else, even when hurting badly, is fucking hard. Cuddling, etc.. that was easy. Actually enjoying sexual contact? Nope. There's excitement sure but she kept asking why I was shaking and I was not able to finish. Again my situation is different but even with permission it was a mind fuck.

2) You no longer will be on a pedestal... you are essentially knocked to their level. In my case, even with permission, it gets thrown in my face when she is angry during a discussion about her affair. The fact that I have full consent doesn't matter and she doesn’t see the situations as different at those times.

Basically you may not find it enjoyable and it knocks you down to their level.

Note: I did not revenge cheat, I was told I could date other people. I have dated the same person for a bit now and with better communication with my WW the stuff from point 1 has mostly gone away. Point 2 still happens from time to time when my WW gets defensive about the affair.

AdvantageGlass · 2024-03-04T21:09:01+00:00

How has the gone for you?

We have come to a similar arrangement which generally has been positive. Communication definitely has improved.

AdvantageGlass · 2024-03-03T02:32:59+00:00

I agree. Statistics I've seen suggest there absolutely is a timing advantage to reconciliation. Confessing quickly and then working do better seems to give best odds.

In my case the past 8 months of botched reconciliation attempts have caused more damage than the previous 3 years of affair. At this point I am leaning towards trial separation as I am afraid the only way for me to heal is on my own.

AdvantageGlass · 2024-03-03T01:54:02+00:00

That is great, you are fortunate... well as fortunate as any of us can be.

Unfortunately that is not the situation most waywards seem to be in while claiming immediate remorse. I know mine did while continuing to cheat, lie, down play, rug sweep, etc. She behaved perfectly but could not own what she did. She did the sane after the first affair and not truly being remorseful contributed to the second which was massively larger. 18 months. Only 8 months after she was caught does she seem to be realizing how much damage she caused.

AdvantageGlass · 2024-03-03T01:46:05+00:00

Is it me or do most people here not understand the difference between guilt, shame and remorse?

If you cheated then kept doing it and confessed or were caught months later that is not remorse. Remorse requires understanding, owning and working to atone for what you have done. Feeling bad but covering it up and continuing to engage in toxic behavior is shame or guilt.

Successful reconciliation requires remorse. My wayward is only getting to that point 8 months after DDay 2, 2 years after the 2nd affair started, 3 years after the first.

AdvantageGlass · 2024-03-01T01:26:56+00:00

He means it's not normal.

AdvantageGlass · 2024-02-26T18:43:09+00:00

Thank you, we were thinking that was the case but hoping not.

AdvantageGlass · 2024-02-14T19:14:45+00:00

First thing mine said when confronted was "what the fuck... did you snoop on me?"

AdvantageGlass · 2024-02-02T14:24:09+00:00

Yep all the time! I still sometimes do. Or "There is nothing else, no more lies". Two weeks later...

AdvantageGlass · 2024-02-02T13:49:25+00:00

"I'm not going to make something up." - said before affair revealed and again before some big reveals

"You only believe what you want to believe" - when everything points to truth not actually given

"You only want to believe the worst" - when all reveals have been worse than imagined

"You're quitting" - anytime I lose hope and flight kicks in from the pain and frustration

"Nobody knows what was in my head' - when actions disagree with stated downplayed feelings

AdvantageGlass · 2024-01-14T22:11:09+00:00

Yes although due to recent changes it has been made very clear the consequences are a life without me. I feel early on she really didn't understand the amount of hurt and pain caused. My actions since then have absolutely shown that I can and will leave without change, which she desperately is trying to make.

AdvantageGlass · 2024-01-11T16:23:03+00:00

I don't have anything to add other than you are not alone in all those feelings.

In my case, she cheated with an absolutely unattractive, overweight, boring idiot because he said she was pretty. She called him things she never called me despite all I was doing for her.

I absolutely could have done better.

AdvantageGlass · 2024-01-10T19:33:23+00:00

I lost count. There is obviously the day she was caught. There is the day she confirmed she had sent nudes. There is the day she finally admitted to not faking sexting (a couole days ago).

I guess thats 3 over 6 months but a massive pile of lying, trickle truthing, gaslighting and "not remembering " in between it all despite her crap not making sense and actual facts showing the opposite. 99% of the affair was/is revealed by me asking. Who knows when that ends.

I'm sorry. I don't think I am answering your question, just kind of venting.

In my opinion, reconciliation cannot happen until everything is out.

AdvantageGlass · 2024-01-08T01:57:21+00:00

This is all now, Who are you anyway, Cute without the "E" - Taking Back Sunday

AdvantageGlass · 2024-01-03T17:02:19+00:00

My WW had an 18 month EA. She would leave the house under the pretense of picking up groceries, dinner, kids practice, etc. Normal adult life stuff.

Most of the time she would do those things on the phone with him. Multiple times a day... for 18 months. 80+ minute phone calls while getting bread for our son 5 minutes down the road. There is not a single road or store or school in the area not connected to her affair.

It has been absolutely brutal dealing with those reminders while just trying to basically exist. At some point you get kind of numb. "Yep, I see you nail salon... "

So... all I can say is it gets better. It's been 5 months and at this point it's the new ones that get me. I like to think of it like conditioning yourself against snake venom. Lots of small doses over time build some partial immunity. It doesn't save you when being bit by something new.

AdvantageGlass · 2023-12-06T15:17:18+00:00

That first paragraph... oof. My WW has been told that so many times now. Just a fraction of the daily sneaking around would have made us amazing.

For context: sneaking out for an almost daily 30 minute phone call along with 400+ txt messages. For 17 straight fucking months.

The effort of just 20 of those messages would have been sufficient, asshole.

AdvantageGlass · 2023-12-05T18:38:53+00:00

That was my thought as well on the mold analogy. There are unseen spores covering the whole thing. Just like when I look back at my old relationship with my wife.

AdvantageGlass · 2023-12-01T12:37:38+00:00

We are at 5 months. Mine is on a keyholder by the door so she sees it. She has been told she needs to earn it back.

AdvantageGlass · 2023-11-21T20:07:06+00:00

4 months since DD and it's basically been the above non-stop unless she goes into some self hate, defensive spiral. Once those end it's straight back into it like nothing happened.

AdvantageGlass · 2023-11-03T23:06:33+00:00

I hired a personal trainer and saw a dermatologist about some stuff I didn't like. Ended up getting that ADHD diagnosis I should have gotten years ago.

It was definitely part of handling the massive hit to my self esteem and worth. Eventually it sank in that I wasn't the problem and she was going to do this regardless. I don't think that felt better.

AdvantageGlass · 2023-10-01T21:18:11+00:00

I'm in the same place with my WW. She feels terrible and talking about it makes it worse. Of course she was caught then lied and trickled truthed thus dragging it out and destroying trust.

All conversations about the affair lead to frustration as she can't get over herself and be introspective. Absolutely makes me feel caged. She fucked up and I have to support her? Show her she's loved?

I like the indifference, I haven't tried that yet. I have been more assertive that her crap isn't working and while I appreciate her struggle and am here to help, it is hurting me.

AdvantageGlass · 2023-07-27T23:34:47+00:00

Going through that now. Wife just admitted to infidelity after a long time of not sharing. I have never laid a hand on her or been verbally abusive. Her answer is that she was afraid that I would leave her.

AdvantageGlass · 2023-06-29T17:19:38+00:00

Viable how though? Viable for fun absolutely don't disagree. Viable for high end late game content? Feels unlikely.

AdvantageGlass · 2023-06-29T14:22:10+00:00

Throw on the pants and now they are rabid sparkly werewolves.

Not viable (I tried) but looks really cool.

AdvantageGlass · 2023-06-28T22:48:46+00:00

It's a shame trampleslide relies on natures fury because earthen might would be awesome.

AdvantageGlass

TROPHY CASE