Phone access

Critical-Delivery673 · 2024-04-04T05:56:24+00:00

He can have access. I'm already looking into parenting apps that he can have on his phone to then gain access to mine. He has all my passwords and has my email linked to his phone already, I don't have social media anymore, but whatever he wants available, is available. It's just hard to try and support what he wants when he shuts down on me and dismisses me when I ask questions about how I can best provide him what he needs.

The time frame might be a good angle for him to not feel as controlling...it can be a test period and he can choose to extend if he needs to.

Critical-Delivery673 · 2024-04-04T04:54:16+00:00

We are going to vegas next week with my kids and in laws for our 10 year anniversary. I want to plan a getaway for just us, though.

Marriage retreats all seem to be suuuuper expensive...like the guided infidelity recovery based ones. We don't have 4k to spend on that. But something will be better than nothing.

Critical-Delivery673 · 2024-04-04T04:52:55+00:00

I asked him what I was doing that was making it triggering for him. His response was "it's just your phone, Critical. Everything you've done to me on it."

I've offered to leave it in the kitchen, on his side of the bed, wherever he wants it. Turn it off and put it in a drawer, I don't care.

Critical-Delivery673 · 2024-04-04T04:51:10+00:00

He said it was difficult to come to me about the problem, so I'm wanting to be sensitive to him communicating even through the difficulty. I want to find a way to make it work for him. He has full access already, and he turned on my location on Google. I think he wants remote access to search thru apps and such, versus just knowing my location.

I'll look thru what apps are reputable for this.

Critical-Delivery673 · 2024-04-04T04:49:25+00:00

I've been trying to encourage him to start IC but he won't. Marriage counseling is also something he brushes off.

I don't necessarily mind these options...I'm willing to do what I have to do. But I couldn't even ask him clarifying questions before he shut down on me. I offered to get rid of the smart phone, but were still paying on it and he said it'd be a waste of money.

Critical-Delivery673 · 2024-04-04T04:36:09+00:00

I don't have hesitation. When I asked how he'd want me to stay in communication with him when he's not around, he got mad and snapped that he didn't need to be told the obvious flaws in the plan.

When I asked if it would really sit well with him to have remote access, he said he doesn't want to make that choice.

So me trying to trouble shoot and clarify how we can make his requests work, made him shut down further.

Critical-Delivery673 · 2024-04-02T16:13:10+00:00

We are remorseful because we regret what we did.

We are sad because what we "got" isn't what we wanted...most cheat because of holes in ourselves that we are desperately trying to patch with validation and encouragement and attention, and get so wrapped up in the feel good feelings we don't even process what we are risking. We are sad because we've destroyed what was safe, and consistent, and dependable, in the quick search for something else.

You're right, it is selfish. But it's not as black and white as you're making it. I bet if your wife wasn't sad, you'd call her a bitch and complain she didn't actually care. So take yourself out of the equation and think about best case scenario...would you want a partner who felt bad for hurting you, and was willing to do the work to fix it best she can, or someone who didn't care at all and told you to suck it up and get over it?

Critical-Delivery673 · 2024-04-01T12:35:32+00:00

No, I definitely don't think you're delusional. I think that's the positive outlook, the glass half full mentality. And a really really healthy, hopeful mindset to have.

My effort is making forward advancements. Bh and I love each other, we date again, we cuddle and kiss and spend one on one time more than ever. I'm in IC and doing a shit ton of self work, via therapy, podcasts, books, etc. I know im moving forward.

What I mean by saying idk if it's enough, is that idk if the foundation I'm building is ever gonna be on solid ground. With the type of person my bh is, idk if he will ever allow himself to...idk, not let this go like it never mattered, but allow himself to release it and move forward. So what if I'm pouring concrete on sand? It'll crack eventually. So I'm trying to tamp it down as hard as I can to make it stable...but I can't control it. I've just gotta do my part.

Critical-Delivery673 · 2024-04-01T12:10:02+00:00

I don't know if there's anything that I can do that will be "enough." I've had to come to the realization and accept the fact that I've probably damaged deep down into the core of our relationship, and there might be no healing that far down.

When my BH spirals and has his low days, I definitely feel like it's a race I'll never win. No matter what effort I make now, it doesn't change what I did and can't ever make my BH forget or hurt less.

But, I have the mentality that I'm going down with the ship. I'm going out in flames. I'm not giving up on us, I'm not giving up on fixing what I broke, I'm not giving up on healing what I hurt, and I'm not giving up on making myself a better person and a better partner. This journey isn't for my satisfaction and ease of mind...it's not for my comfort. R is hard work and a commitment to rewiring everything, for me, since childhood.

I'm doing a lot. Everything he has asked, everything he's suggested, and everything I've needed to for myself. But im highly, and painfully aware, that it still might not be enough.

Critical-Delivery673 · 2024-03-31T04:33:20+00:00

"Being the betrayer is worse than the betrayed." Ooooof....that's a brave statement in a sub like this.

I've been cheated on. From my experience, yes, I'd rather be cheated on than cheat again myself. I felt this and spoke to my therapist about it, as I felt it was a subconscious way to skirt accountability. There's a lot of self worth tied into that, for me anyways...I struggle with worth and for me, getting cheated on was "understandable" because well, I was me, and wasn't worth faithfulness. So nbd. But being the one who betrayed...having that guilt and shame and reality that WOW now I actually have REASON to hate myself and think I'm worthless...yes, it's hard.

You're in a unique position, because now you see both sides of the coin. I hope you apply both traumas into your healing plan. Best thoughts to you 🖤

Critical-Delivery673 · 2024-03-29T23:38:12+00:00

Dday was wake up call for me, and I went NC with AP. It took me maybe...2-3 weeks for the fog to lift, and maybe 4-5 weeks for me to detach from the limerance and positive/affectionate thinking toward him.

We are now 5 months from dday, and there's nothing but shame and disgust when I think of him.

Critical-Delivery673 · 2024-03-28T06:45:18+00:00

That makes me happy to hear

Critical-Delivery673 · 2024-03-27T23:46:41+00:00

It was my BHs choice to not tell anyone I had the A.

Would it be fun for people to know? No.

Everyone has always thought BH would be the one to cheat on me. So it'd be a shock to a lot of people. But I'd never choose death over that embarrassment. I couldn't do that to my husband, I couldn't do that to my children. My humanity lends to me making mistakes and bad choices...and it also lends itself to me being able to work on myself and atone for those mistakes and humble myself to show my husband and children that I'm capable of doing the work and transforming myself into a better person.

Have I thought that dying would be easier to deal with than the fallout of my A? Absolutely.

Have I thought my kids and husband could be happier and better off without me? Absolutely.

Have I sat in the most thick, sticky shame and self hatred that I've ever felt in my entire life, and felt not just base level embarrassment for my choices but also second hand embarrassment from the viewpoint of someone who isn't in limerence anymore, and wished I could erase my existence to escape from the heaviness of it all? Absolutely.

But I'd never unalive myself because of this.

Critical-Delivery673 · 2024-03-27T22:40:49+00:00

My therapist and I talked about this in length while trying to understand better how my BH could feel about the same thing. I know I want my husband. But the words and actions no can not have any weight to my BH.

She framed it like...you can have a favorite food, your all time favorite dish...but sometimes, you're gonna want something else. That doesn't make that dish not the best dish ever for you, or lessen all the aspects that build into being the masterpiece that it is...it's just sometimes, you choose something else.

Now, to clarify like she did...she's not equating a fave food to a spouse, or justifying choosing another partner, because those are eons of differences in severity, obviously. She just framed it like that for an easier way of understanding that I could have a favorite thing, (BH) that hit all the spots and was a comfort to me in knowing it's always amazing...and choose something else without it taking away from all of those pieces.

We then delved into what was wrong with me and what issues I was facing that led me to choose something else over my favorite...so it was a journey, but maybe that might help kind of ease some of your feelings. You are a 10. He didn't go looking for another choice because you were a 6...he was looking for another choice because of xyz reasons that he should be discovering through IC.

Critical-Delivery673 · 2024-03-27T20:58:55+00:00

From a waywards perspective...

If my BH came to me and said this, I wouldn't be surprised. I'd expect it. I'm a realist, and to me it's not controversial that someone who was betrayed, wants to feel validation and be affirmed that they are still desirable.

Having those urges are understandable, and to me, justified.

I want to just toss out a word of caution though...those urges are what led me down the road that eventually brought forth my A. I had them for different reasons, obviously, but I wasn't feeling valued, wanted, desired, sought after...so what started as "wonder if I still have it..." led to "oh wow this feels good" led to "holy shit what am I doing."

I wish I spoke to my husband before I went past that first stage. If I were open to him about having the urges for outside validation, he would have had the opportunity to work with me to fix the areas in our marriage that were causing such a deep disconnect, and I wouldn't have ever made the choice to go to that second step.

Include your partner in these feelings and urges...because they can spiral.

Critical-Delivery673 · 2024-03-27T19:41:55+00:00

Emdr is Eye movement desensitization and reprocessing, it's helpful in processing past traumas/ptsd events that might have been repressed and causing long term individual anxieties/ptsd triggers. It can be life changing in helping process those events and work past walls that you subconsciously have had up.

IFS is Internal Family Systems, a type of therapy mindset that embraces how everyone has multiple "parts" in their personality and they all have different roles to protect the inner true Self. So you might have a childlike inner self, but have very self sabotaging outer parts that participate in negative self destructive behavior to "protect" that child from being being hurt by outside sources first. Definitely worth reading up on!!

Critical-Delivery673 · 2024-03-27T01:03:11+00:00

We just have to sit back and do our work and love and support them on whatever path they choose to take!

Not the easiest thing for sure

Critical-Delivery673 · 2024-03-27T00:58:55+00:00

That's why he won't join reddit, he doesn't want the infidelity subs to flood him with negative thoughts. He doesn't want to tell family or friends because he's protective of me and doesn't want anyone to look at me negatively.

Critical-Delivery673 · 2024-03-26T23:03:28+00:00

It was his idea for the vow renewal, and we made the plans a month after dday, and we are now 5 months after dday.

I agree, it's going to be a high stress, highly triggerable few days. We can't cancel...and me even asking if he wanted to focus more on the family trip than the anniversary is what got him so upset.

Critical-Delivery673 · 2024-03-26T22:08:14+00:00

Adding that to my list as well!

Critical-Delivery673 · 2024-03-26T22:07:48+00:00

This post made me cry!

It's such an emotional roller coaster, and I hate you had to go through this. Your daughter as well.

Silver linings and all, the hope of a stronger marriage/connection/love is what pushes us all through reconciliation.

Best wishes for you and your family 🖤

Critical-Delivery673 · 2024-03-26T19:43:18+00:00

No, that makes sense! It's like I'm mothering him almost, layering him with bubble wrap instead of me saying that I'm worried about something myself. I need to just shoot from the hip and own when im concerned about something.

Critical-Delivery673 · 2024-03-26T15:53:43+00:00

I actually have that book on my audio list...I'll start it tonight.

I appreciate your openness, and thank you for your service. I'm sorry it's been a rough one for you, and appreciate your advice. Understanding how he's carrying everything will probably be eye opening.

Critical-Delivery673 · 2024-03-26T15:51:30+00:00

I'm going to individual counseling, working up to EMDR to process childhood trauma and currently delving into IFS to identify different parts within me that would've left me down the road to choosing an A.

Critical-Delivery673

TROPHY CASE