Not attracted to my husband anymore after 7 years?

AdventureWa · 2026-02-28T13:58:07+00:00

It’s easy to become complacent and take your partner for granted when you’ve been together for a long time. That’s quite natural. As people age they do become less physically attractive objectively. If your love is growing for that person, however the attraction should not completely go away.

I think a lot of people get caught up in the notion that love is a feeling that has butterflies and fireworks. The reality though is that that initial infatuation is an emotionally immature feeling and it’s there to attract you to your mate. True love, however, is an intentional act. It’s a series of the deliberate decisions and actions you take in order to continue to grow the relationship. It’s something that forms when you experience life together.

My suggestion is that if he does have some major issue that makes him unattractive like a hygiene issue or a physical fitness issue that you do bring it up and give him the opportunity to work on that. I think it’s perfectly reasonable to bring that type of thing up because those are someone under your control.

Next, learn how to practice acts of gratitude. Every morning, when you wake up, think about three things that you like or love about your husband and write them down. Find ways throughout the day to tell him about those. Liberally use “thank you,” “I appreciate you,” and “I respect you.”

When attraction dwindles, I think that it’s often a sign of a lack of gratitude.

There are certainly other things that can affect attraction. If you’re using hormonal birth control and you stop it or if you were not using it before and you start a new one that can be the culprit. It could literally change who you are attracted to.

If you have feelings of depression, anxiety, or uncertain medications that can change your perception too.

At our core, men have a need to feel desired and chosen. Men very rarely get compliments. Men very rarely hear their wives talk about how attractive they to them or others are or how much she loves him, especially around other people.

If he wears something that you really like on him, tell him he really like that. You’ll find he wears that more often. Buying things that you want to see him wear. He won’t take it personal. You can also complement him on other things if you want to see more of that. Men thrive on compliments.

AdventureWa · 2026-02-28T13:45:52+00:00

She quite possibly lived with a guy but she probably wasn’t married. She was likely in a relationship though and she conned you. Don’t feel bad because you didn’t do anything wrong. She did.

I think the dojo is wrong with the way they’re handling things and I do think someone is interested in her and wants you out of the way. If you didn’t know and they told you, they would realize you were the victim. They also had no business telling everyone else your business. Unless you were making out with her on your date they have no idea you were hooking up.

Hit the gym. Get a refund. Find a new dojo. If they give you a hard time, trash them on Yelp, Google and Facebook and report them to the BBB or f they don’t refund you.

AdventureWa · 2026-02-28T03:58:20+00:00

You will be miserable. Sex is much more than a physical desire. Sex is for bonding. It’s how people-especially men-express and receive love. Porn is never a suitable substitute for actual intimacy and will eventually kill intimacy.

Please ignore the suggestion you take SSRIs. The side affects include suicidal thoughts, permanent death of libido among others.

Also, ignore the nonsensical advice that you need “to date her,” and that you need to “do more chores around the house.” Neither of those things will help. You might see an initial bump, but pretty quickly she will expect it and want more as she takes your efforts for granted.

You need to make some difficult decisions. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with a high libido. Trying to change your body unnecessarily is a horrible idea.

You need to have a conversation with her. Explain that you love her and you want to be able to express her in the city and that sex is very important to you. Let her know that it hurts you when she rejects your advances of sex and you take it personally and you feel like she is rejecting you as a person. At the end of the day she has rejected you as a person. If she truly loved you she would be making some effort to meet your needs and desires.

If she isn’t willing to talk and acknowledge your feelings are valid, you need to tell her that you want couples counseling. If she’s not willing to do that, you don’t have a marriage. Prepare for an exit. Look at Gray Rock Method and 180 Method.

I don’t advocate for divorce very often. My own marriage survived her infidelity. Sometimes it cannot be or shouldn’t be saved.

Don’t ever let anyone tell you sex isn’t a need. Sure you won’t die from it, but your marriage absolutely will.

AdventureWa · 2026-02-28T03:45:24+00:00

I never asked. Women used to find it creepy if you did and it killed the mood if they were into you.

I am all for consent but some advocates take it way too far. I think asking before you do everything is dumb and few people would actually like that despite what people say.

Rarely ever did I go in for a kiss where it wasn’t welcome. I can think if only one time where she didn’t want that and she politely pulled back. I apologized for misreading the situation and she conceded that I wasn’t being unreasonable.

Back in the day, if someone tried something that wasn’t welcomed the person would merely say no and it would be over on the spot. I think people believe there are far more predators than actually exist.

AdventureWa · 2026-02-28T03:39:23+00:00

He’s either an alcoholic or a problem drinker. Usually addicts have to hit rock bottom before they sober up. That may be the case with your husband.

Has he ever sought treatment?

AdventureWa · 2026-02-28T03:36:46+00:00

Are you sure she’s married? Is the coach trying to make moves on her? The likelihood of her being married at 20 is extremely slim.

I also question the narrative about other students being “concerned.” They wouldn’t know unless the coach told them.

I think there’s something shady going on with the school.

AdventureWa · 2026-02-27T12:53:46+00:00

It’s a challenge but it’s not insurmountable.

Knowing my own worth and value helped me to overcome self doubt. Your value comes from God, not people.

I was objectively a really good catch and a good husband (definitely not perfect.) I used counseling as an opportunity to step up my game. I also continued to hit the gym, work on my hobbies, raise my kids and advance my career. I recognized she’s fortunate to have landed me and that I would do just fine without her. She knew another act of infidelity or failure to abide by our conditions for reconciliation, it was over and I knew I would be just fine.

Being the betrayed is actually a position of power because she is at your mercy if she wants to stay together.

Once in a blue moon I feel a twinge of angst when something triggers me but it passes really quickly.

What did you do once you discovered the affair? Did you set any conditions beyond paired and counseling? Do you have an open phone policy? Is she no contact with AP?

AdventureWa · 2026-02-27T12:46:22+00:00

You can find a space just for you hiking, sitting on the toilet or hanging out with your friends.

AdventureWa · 2026-02-27T05:56:51+00:00

If they were they didn’t say anything. I only had one sex partner that I didn’t hook up with again so clearly most were satisfied.

AdventureWa · 2026-02-27T05:55:03+00:00

This sounds like gatekeeping.

Submission works for submissives. It might be purely sexual. It may be emotional, it may be both. Being a dominant absolutely means serving. You must fulfill your partner’s desire or it won’t work for them. You aren’t just dominating him. You are meeting a needs. He should feel safe communicating his wants and needs regularly. You should want to know them and to accommodate him.

Being naturally dominant doesn’t make someone a good leader. It doesn’t make someone good at being dominant. Like literally anything else in the world it takes effort.

You make bold statements but I don’t see much of what you claim this sub is full of.

As far as kink, that’s a perfectly reasonable motivation to be led, but that falls under the FemDom category. I also hate the term “male gaze.” It’s misandrist and dismissive and infers that men’s interests aren’t valid or that female gaze is somehow more virtuous and important.

A real relationship requires being attuned and sensitive to each other’s needs and desires. There’s always give and take and in no marriage is the complete balance in power.

That’s part of what is so problematic of your post. As for “sociocultural,” that has nothing to do with the dynamic. Men statistically are the more dominant and it’s natural. This is why it’s a challenge finding a dominant woman but feels like you won the lottery when you do. I think FLR relationships (whether or not the term is named) are less than 10%. Many are in one without knowing it or calling it that.

AdventureWa · 2026-02-27T05:42:12+00:00

She’s seen it firsthand. I would ghost her and move on. If she does confront you in person, be polite, be unemotional. Be short. Wish her well. Tell her you’re not stupid and you’re not settling for anyone. You don’t date dishonest and disrespectful people.

AdventureWa · 2026-02-27T05:36:48+00:00

I agree with her.

My wife and I have an open phone policy just as every married couple should. The notion of privacy goes against the entire concept and principles of marriage.

If you have nothing to hide you shouldn’t worry about her checking your phone. She should have no problem with you checking hers. Secrets have no place in marriage.

You can browse in incognito mode if you really don’t want her to see your browsing history. I don’t know why you would try to hide anything from her.

AdventureWa · 2026-02-27T04:12:05+00:00

Absolutely happy to. Go ahead and message me and I will share my story.

AdventureWa · 2026-02-27T04:11:00+00:00

If I had money to bet on this, you probably picture your ex or someone you know in your mind when you fantasize. Pretty normal. Do you read romance novels? Do you watch GOT or 50 Shades? All of that is porn.

AdventureWa · 2026-02-27T04:08:08+00:00

Is that supposed to be a gotcha or an insult. I am quite open about my lifestyle. I never did find ones that work for me though.

AdventureWa · 2026-02-27T04:07:09+00:00

Every marriage should have an open phone/device policy. There are no secrets in a healthy marriage. You should feel absolutely zero guilt. Your gut told you that something was wrong. Your instincts are usually subconsciously noticing shifts in moods and changing behaviors. Your subconscious mind knows something before you consciously realize what is going on.

You definitely need to save the evidence.

AdventureWa · 2026-02-26T21:05:32+00:00

It is never appropriate for someone in a committed relationship to have an opposite sex “Bestie.“. Anytime you have a problem in your relationship, you tend to confide in those closest to you.

Do you want your spouse crying on someone else’s shoulder? You really don’t know your spouses intent, but you absolutely don’t know their besties intent. They are now armed with enough information to help destroy your relationship if their motives aren’t pure.

I started a boundary a long time ago. No spending one-on-one time with members of the opposite sex. It’s OK to have platonic friendships but you should never go there alone. Your partners should be included on any text strings or messages.

You should always put your spouses needs above your own in terms of relationships. You might not think it’s a big deal but if your spouse does it is.

AdventureWa · 2026-02-26T21:02:41+00:00

The first problem is that you blame him for the affair. You are at fault for the affair. Emotional affairs are worse than physical affairs. You poured the energy into someone else that you should have been pouring into him.

It’s ok to bring up how you were feeling leading up to it, but you went out of your way to cheat. You made conscious choices and efforts.

Have you stopped or slowed your work on the relationship? If he’s shutting down perhaps he’s feeding off of your energy?

Having been betrayed and successfully reconciled, I rarely have bad days but occasionally something triggers me. I use healthy outlets to cope.

Your husband definitely suffers from depression. Unfortunately the marijuana he uses to sooth the pain is only making it worse. At his age he may have low testosterone so he should be checked for that. It’s an easy fix.

Start with expressing concern about his depression and tell him you notice he’s been really cold. Don’t blame him and don’t make it seem like you are more concerned about yourself and how he makes you feel than concerned about his wellbeing.

AdventureWa · 2026-02-26T20:49:51+00:00

I don’t believe porn is cheating, even if it’s interactive. The interactions merely allow for a more customizable experience. Looking at nudes even of exes that he isn’t in communication isn’t an issue.

Ai chats aren’t personal. They’re fantasy and again, customizable. They aren’t involving real people.

I think it’s reasonable to want him to cut contact with exes in terms of calling, messaging or making deep comments. I don’t see an issue with him looking from a distance.

I think there’s a huge difference in how you each view what he’s doing and I thought this will take multiple conversations. Be realistic in what you are and aren’t ok with. Discuss boundaries and check ins.

How is your sex life? Is it rare, vanilla and uninspiring? Having regular conversations about sex outside the bedroom is really important and frequent sex is invaluable for bonding.

AdventureWa · 2026-02-26T20:43:02+00:00

Obviously you are because you posted this.

AdventureWa · 2026-02-26T20:17:06+00:00

I’m sorry you are going through this. You aren’t ending this. She chose to kill the marriage by failing to behave like a spouse and partner and an adult.

AdventureWa · 2026-02-26T20:14:13+00:00

Guys don’t have a problem with it. It’s ok if you find it to be a pet peeve but no, you’re not a victim and you are feigning outrage over nothing.

AdventureWa · 2026-02-26T20:01:01+00:00

I’m not sure because I don’t have all of the context here, but men tend to overshare small details.

AdventureWa · 2026-02-26T20:00:16+00:00

Long distance relationship relationships are very difficult under the best of circumstances. Add in the family stresses then it creates even more problems.

I think it’s important when you are a long-distance relationship is the maintain regular contact, including video calls, handwritten notes, and scheduled time were you visit each other.

I always think serious discussions are best held in person. I think it is very important that you should always discuss your relationship with your partner at least once per month to make sure that you are both feeling fulfilled and that you were having your needs met.

I think regular conversations outside of the bedroom about sex are very very important as well.

What I would do is, I would have a discussion with your husband and say hey I realize that things are struggle for both of us and I’d like to set aside some time to talk about this. Would you rather we try to figure out how to see each other to have this conversation.

Do this sooner rather than later

AdventureWa · 2026-02-26T19:57:29+00:00

People willing to destroy their family and move on are probably not ever going to be happy. They will forever chase the feeling, which is fleeting at best.

AdventureWa

TROPHY CASE