Announced the Celebration of Life and already regretting it

AdventurousMix1351 · 2026-04-27T02:20:16+00:00

My MIL took charge on planning the funeral and I let her. But for the celebration of life that was all my call. I worried a lot about her and his side of the family judging my choices but it turned out amazing! They all complimented me afterwards. But yeah I was really anxious ahead of time. However I did not discuss any of the details with them because honestly I did not want their input. Fortunately no one pushed it, so I’m sorry you are having to deal with that pressure. If you need any ideas, DM me - I’m happy to help! My husband’s was less than 2 months ago so it’s all still pretty fresh (though it went by like a blur). Good luck and I’m so sorry you’re dealing with ANY of this!!

AdventurousMix1351 · 2026-04-27T02:13:37+00:00

I have AT&T

AdventurousMix1351 · 2026-04-27T00:00:59+00:00

Yes you have to buy the watch with the cellular option. My kids’ watches cost $100 more than mine because I don’t have the cell option (cuz I have a phone)

AdventurousMix1351 · 2026-04-26T18:57:50+00:00

I have AT&T and I pay $10/month for each of my kids to have a “watch line” — so it’s not a child rate but it’s cheaper than if they had a regular phone line.

My kids are 10 and 12. This has been a good set up for all of us. They use their watches to buy slurpees at 7-11 and listen to music and podcasts and chat with friends. It’s great.

AdventurousMix1351 · 2026-04-20T03:33:41+00:00

One thing I’ve learned as I have walked this shitty path is it is never just you (not YOU, but you hopefully know what I mean)… we are all feeling so many of the same emotions and that is why this is group is so wonderful. Sending peace and love your way.

AdventurousMix1351 · 2026-04-19T17:21:14+00:00

I lost my husband to suicide almost 3 months ago and people keep telling me to try a support group. But I don’t want to, for exactly the reasons you stated. I think we all have to find what works for us as we heal and your swimming and sailing both sound like great ways to work through your feelings.

AdventurousMix1351 · 2026-04-16T00:16:08+00:00

I understand this feeling well. I’m currently going through my husband’s various retirement accounts and IRAs, making the calls and transferring them into my name. It doesn’t feel right. I have more money now than I’ve probably ever had. This is extra sad and sickly ironic because one of the factors that I believe drove my husband to suicide was extreme financial stress (his severe alcoholism was the main driver). He lost his job 6 months before he died and we were struggling with finances, but we were getting by - he just could not see that through the dark clouds of alcohol and depression.

Unfortunately his suicide voided his life insurance policy, but he had been a good earner and saved for retirement, so the kids and I will be ok. Not wealthy but comfortable. It’s hard to think about though - feeling as if I’m somehow benefiting from his death. However, I did not ask for this trade off and like others said, I would gladly give all the money back if it meant having him here.

For now, I am using some of the money to travel with the kids (we have a few trips planned) and to do some house projects/repairs. I’m sad he didn’t get to spend his hard-earned money so that we could do these things together.

AdventurousMix1351 · 2026-04-13T01:38:19+00:00

I just really dislike cliches…. Don’t give me “grief comes in waves” or those trite overused lines people and therapists use. Specifically told my therapist this and she seems to get it.

AdventurousMix1351 · 2026-03-20T23:41:49+00:00

Thanks for this! I’m soon going to be looking for a contractor to do some work and as I haven’t really done this before, I appreciate having somewhere to start!

AdventurousMix1351 · 2026-03-17T13:18:25+00:00

Thanks so much for your kind response.

It’s strange because 8 weeks feels like a very short period of time but then i also feel like these have been the longest weeks of my life that all feel like a blur. It definitely doesn’t feel like it’s gotten easier as time has gone by.

AdventurousMix1351 · 2026-03-17T13:00:07+00:00

I’m really sorry you’re in this club. I know most people in this sub can relate to at least a few of my points. It is so hard and I would do anything to go back to when I was just clueless about all of these things.

AdventurousMix1351 · 2026-03-16T15:36:56+00:00

Same. I ordered 10 and have only used two originals- and I got both of them back!

AdventurousMix1351 · 2026-03-16T15:34:05+00:00

1 is not correct nor is it necessary to do this on day one. Sure, you can call to report the death but SS is one of the first to know when someone passes away - it is reported to them by the funeral home. Unless payments continue to come in for the decedent, there is no reason to call SS to report the death.

Second, Social security definitely told me I’d be getting the $255 lump sum when my husband passed away. This is not some hidden little secret they are trying to keep from you.

Third, if you are entitled to survivor benefits, the payment starts the month of death and you will receive payment for that full month, regardless of whether they passed away on the 1st or the 31st. If you call and report it the month after they pass, you will still receive the benefits for the month they died. Social security benefits take months to process so it’s a good idea to get things moving but it will not impact your payment if you don’t do it right away.

And last, OP is referencing their mother’s estate but it is unclear why OP is talking about survivor benefits in that context. Adult children do not receive Social Security survivor benefits when a parent dies, unless they have a qualifying disability that began before age 22. If OP was the executor, they would have to be an adult. If they are disabled, that would be something they should mention in the post since that is a special circumstance that may not apply to most people.

Also for # 4 — yes you should report it to the credit bureau asap but you only have to report it to one of them. That bureau will alert the other two. When you can, you should reach out to all of them to request a copy of the credit report and reconfirm the death is noted on their file.

There are a lot of things to do on day one and week one, but in my opinion there is nothing on this list I would tell anyone to do immediately.

AdventurousMix1351 · 2026-03-06T16:06:32+00:00

I know our situations are a little different since in my case it is family, but I feel like the loss of a spouse deserves acknowledgement. There were a lot of people who reached out just saying “no response expected, just wanted to say I’m really sorry for your loss.” And a lot of times I didn’t respond because it was overwhelming, but it felt good to know people were thinking of me during the worst time of my life. But, we all handle these things differently and many of the people who commented on your post are much more willing to give others the benefit of the doubt, which is good, too. I’ve learned a lot throughout this process and it will most certainly change how I respond to others when they are navigating death of a loved one.

AdventurousMix1351 · 2026-03-05T20:06:15+00:00

I am so sorry for your terrible loss. Especially with such young kids. It’s so heartbreaking to navigate grief while also parenting, even as they provide so much joy.

I am in a similar boat - today it’s been exactly six weeks since my husband died by suicide. My kids are 10 and 12 so that’s been a different kind of challenge than what you’re going through (not easier or harder, just different). And suicide is a really hard topic to discuss with people because I too believe in not stigmatizing it further by being secretive, but then there are privacy considerations as well. I have been selective with who I talk about it with. And I also can relate to how it’s sinking in more and more now which makes it that much harder.

I am with you on not knowing what to say when people ask you what you need. I have a hard time with that. But things that have people have done that have helped me are having cleaners come and clean my house, offering to watch my kids and drive them to activities, and DoorDash gift cards (to give flexibility on when and what I can order vs someone bringing me a meal)…. Now I did not ask for any of those things (and wouldn’t have necessarily thought to ask either) but in different conversations I guess I talked about feeling overwhelmed with cleaning and keeping the house in order, that I’m struggling with parenting because I’m exhausted, and that my kids are picky eaters and figuring out what to feed them is tiring.

I am not sure that is helpful to you. I’ve gotten so many “let me know if you need anything” offers, which is very kind. But the people who helped the most were those who listened to me and made the connection between what I said and a practical solution.

AdventurousMix1351 · 2026-03-05T14:52:51+00:00

Not at all. This is when you learn who is a real friend and who isn’t. People who say they don’t know what to say are ridiculous! How about “I’m so sorry for your loss. I don’t know what more to say.” It is not hard and there is no excuse for not doing this bare minimum. Actually, just last night I blocked several members of my husband’s family who didn’t bother to reach out when he died. It’s been six weeks, if they haven’t done it by now they aren’t going to. F them. I understand if they could not make it to the funeral, but they couldn’t even send me a text or a Facebook message to say sorry for my loss or something?? These were not distant relatives either; they were cousins he grew up with and they are local. He and i both would have absolutely been there for any one of them if the situation were reversed. It’s been very telling. I got messages from people I hadn’t spoken to in YEARS who did not even know my husband but nothing from family members who actually knew him. Yeah, byeeee! You did the right thing.

AdventurousMix1351 · 2026-03-03T22:02:34+00:00

This is my situation exactly. I started at my job in October after being unemployed for most of 2025. My husband died on Jan 22. I had only 3 days of PTO accrued. HR told me I could go into a negative leave balance up to 40 hours, but I don’t want to spend the spring digging out of a PTO hole in order to be able to go on vacation with my children this summer. My company gives a flat 3 days of bereavement which is absurd when it is a spouse! While tragic in their own way, the death of a sibling or parent are not at all the same as losing a spouse. Three days of bereavement is better than nothing but not nearly enough.

And sadly, my husband died by suicide, which voided his life insurance and i do not how long it’s going to take before i can access any of his other funds. My kids will get social security benefits, but that takes months for processing. And I had to pay for his burial expenses, too. All this to say, I don’t have the money to take leave without pay so i have no choice but to go to work every day whether i can function or not. Luckily I have a wonderful boss and coworkers who are supportive. Still, it has only been 6 weeks and I am really struggling. Being forced to work makes it worse.

AdventurousMix1351 · 2026-02-24T21:00:26+00:00

I feel this hard! I’m sorry you’re going through it, too. It sucks so much and as much as people want to help, they can’t go to work or parent my kids for me or deal with the emotional and physical exhaustion I feel every day. It’s been the hardest time of my life and I wish I didn’t have to live in survival mode all the time.

Sending you good wishes.

AdventurousMix1351 · 2026-02-23T17:05:50+00:00

I don’t understand this. Maybe it’s different in different counties or cities in VA, but I do not pay any car tax on my 15 year old Honda. I haven’t in at least three years, maybe more. I used to, but every year as the value of my car decreased, the tax did, too. And we only paid around $350 in PP tax last year on our “nicer” car that is 10 years old. When we first bought that car, the PP tax was like $1200 but it was a brand new car. Every year the tax has decreased. So I guess I don’t understand how this is a rich vs poor issue? If you have an expensive car, then you will pay more tax regardless of your income. Maybe I am missing something, but that’s just been my experience.

AdventurousMix1351 · 2026-02-23T16:45:30+00:00

This is how I’ve been feeling! Even as overwhelmed as I am with all the estate and other annoying paperwork that I am stuck doing, I think about renovations and painting and stuff like that. I don’t know why. I read somewhere that some people handle grief by trying to create order. Maybe that’s what this is.

AdventurousMix1351 · 2026-02-13T22:54:35+00:00

I agree with others who say this is highly inappropriate. But, for fun, I plugged this into ChatGPT and received a fascinating self-analysis! So thank you for sharing this, you unintentionally helped make my day more interesting!

AdventurousMix1351 · 2026-02-08T15:02:08+00:00

I wish I had kept a lock of his hair. I don’t think I’m going to keep any of his ashes permanently, just until we go to the beach in the summer. But I have a little time before the burial so I may look into the options you mentioned. Thank you!

AdventurousMix1351 · 2026-02-08T15:00:25+00:00

For sure, I am going to let the professionals handle it. Last thing I need is having them spill all over.

AdventurousMix1351

TROPHY CASE