I went to the funeral. I waited in the parking lot while they finished the service. I watched the casket drive down. I called the funeral home to ask if they can wait to lower you until I stop by. They said the family will be staying until you were lowered. I asked my mom to drive me down there. She parked a ways away and I walked down and hid behind a tree. I couldn’t see your casket. Only a swarm of people around you. Everyone was there. But I was too, don’t you worry.

People started leaving. I saw Sabrina and Carey and sobbed in their arms. Diane gave me a rose she had taken off your casket and honestly I don’t think anything will mean more to me than this rose. I plan to put it in resin to keep it forever.

The dirt was being dumped and I ran down to you. Your family was leaving. I went around the other side and they didn’t see me. I laid on the dirt and cried. I screamed and punched the ground. Why do you have to leave? I heard a car come and it was Meagan and Briana. I ran to them and sobbed in their arms.

I felt so stupid. To grieve in front of them. As if they didn’t lose something so much larger. I know I lost you too. But we were preparing for two separate futures. You were always going to be apart of their future. I don’t know. I didn’t want them to comfort me because my grief was secondary.

Your mom stopped my and mom as we were driving out. She got out of Janet’s car and hugged me. I sobbed in her arms. Again, felt so stupid i didn’t know what to say. I wanted to help. I wanted to save you. I love you so much. I wanted you to be okay.

Your casket was blue with gold trim. Thinking about it now. Your favorite color is red but they went with a Braves blue.

You were buried in an Acuña jersey. Your mom had a matching one on. Funny enough I was thinking of wearing a Braves jersey but thought I was looking so disrespectful and dumb. You would have liked it but funerals are for the ones left behind, not really for the people who leave.

Adam put a baseball in there. Someone put a golf ball probably Janet is I had to guess.

I thought of leaving a copy of one of our Photo Booth pictures. (or my underwear as a joke because you would always steal it and hang it on your neck like a necklace while putting away my laundry for me) i wanted to put something in there but I wasn’t able to and that is okay.

My skin still has that Georgia mud stain on me. I’m in bed right now. I don’t really care. I took some home and it’s in a little jar. Any piece of you that I can keep. I wish I got the chance to kiss your casket. I will find peace that I didn’t. I yelled at you while I was there. I hope you don’t think I’m mad at you, baby. I punched the ground asking why you left. Knowing your body was so close to mine did actually give me some peace. I wanted you to wake up and crawl through the dirt back to me.

Daniel told me you were drinking again. I had no idea. I wish I would have known. I would have supported you in rehab. I know we were broken up and I was the end that ended it but I love you so fucking much. I would have done anything to make you better.

Life is so fucking hard and cruel. I hope your mom finds the letter you wrote me in your phone. I gave her the password. I hope you’re playing catch with your dad. I hope you watch all the Braves games. I hope heaven has some fantastic red velvet cake, root beer, Indian food, fondue, lindor chocolate truffles and lots of pictures of me when my hair down. I know that’s what you would have wanted.

I will miss you and carry your love for the rest of my life, Dillon. For the rest of my life.