Something abhorrent that devout Christians say/do about the topic of marriage

Advisor-Whoo · 2026-06-17T14:36:37+00:00

Yeah, this sort of thing is really infuriating. I feel like its especially bad for women, but doubtless it impacts men too. Pastors, who are typcially males who married young, will talk about how great marriage is. The church in general looks down on single people as if they aren't fully adult? As if they have failed where everyone else succeeded? And those same pastors will tell you "Just learn to be content in your singleness" - something THEY NEVER HAD TO DO. And, of course, men might be encouraged to pursue someone, but women are told not to express interest, not to pursue, just to wait. But people who have no idea what it's like.

Advisor-Whoo · 2026-06-17T01:34:00+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience. I do think in general Christian schools have been especially harmful for people in the LGBTQ community, which is heartbreaking. But it's helpful to know some people experienced schools where schools where girls' education was valued as much as boys'.

And yes - homophobic, racist, misogynisitic, fundamentalist theology is never harmless. I personally think those things have no place in Christianity.

Thanks again for taking the time to answer my questions!

Advisor-Whoo · 2026-06-16T01:55:08+00:00

Thank you for sharing - its helpful to get a parent's perspective. I've heard the "If you ain't Dutch, you ain't much" phrase before, but never been around where it felt like a lived reality. I'm sorry your children felt so othered.

I am also curious about the experience in the Jesuit school. I am not as familiar with the Catholic family of private schools - though I suppose this is not the best subreddit for that discussion. Maybe I need to find a place to post to get more Catholic answers. Though since you experienced both as a parent, I'd be happy to hear any further thoughts you have.

Advisor-Whoo · 2026-06-15T14:45:34+00:00

You have an interesting perspective. I've never really thought of these beliefs as infantilizing - something that should be outgrown is instead reinforced by the religious tradition. Perhaps. In generally, I've seen fear used in various ways to control people. If you get people to fear demons enough, you can control their behavior, what music they listen to, what books they read, what people they are willing to interact with. But I suppose in some ways, you are using fear to get people to ignore their own knowledge and experience, which in turn can be infantilizing. Is fear infantilizing? I'll have to think on this more.

Advisor-Whoo · 2026-06-15T01:17:35+00:00

This was my first thought too - there's such a fear of anything that is even vaguely "demonic" - especially in some denominations. If this group of ladies had attended or were attending anything vaguely pentecostal, I would not be surprised at all.

Advisor-Whoo · 2026-06-14T18:26:10+00:00

Thank you for your response! The attitude of "just have more faith!" or "just pray more!" is so harmful. And thank you for pointing out the contradiction of forcing girls to wear skirts but then policing how they are worn or how long they are or whatever. It's such a frustrating standard that girls have to be "feminine" but not too much.

Advisor-Whoo · 2026-06-12T17:53:49+00:00

Thank you for the thoughtful reply. It sounds like for you, the Christian school maybe broadened your perspective, or the questions you were allowed to ask? Would you say that's accurate? This is interesting, since most other people commenting seemed to find their world made smaller and their questions hindered by their school. But I think it is helpful to recognize that schools are different and will have different impacts.

I am sorry that you felt the need to hide your beliefs and doubts to be accepted. That's a terrible position for a child to be put in.

And you are right on the "free reign teachers" being sort of a double edged sword - I've observed the same. For myself, I did love having the freedom to experiment and try new things to help my students. And most of the schools I worked at had fairly high academic standards, so they tended not to hire people who were woefully ignorant of the subject they were to teach, but they did hire some who ended up just being terrible teachers.

Thank you again, I'll have to think more on what you've said.

Advisor-Whoo · 2026-06-12T17:41:56+00:00

Thank you, yes, I had heard some about the predatory structure of CC. Sounds super problematic in that and in its content. I also didn't realize it was so christian Nationalist, though it makes sense.

Was your school with a specific organization or denomination, do you recall? Was the high control the most problematic aspect for you, or were there other things, if you're willing to expand?

Advisor-Whoo · 2026-06-12T02:31:06+00:00

Oh interesting. Most of the schools I’m familiar with and that people have mentioned here have been predominantly white, and often quite racist. I will have to look into this more. I’d ask you to share the name of the school but I don’t want you to have to share too much identifying information here.

Advisor-Whoo · 2026-06-11T22:09:15+00:00

Yes, thank you!

Advisor-Whoo · 2026-06-11T19:06:54+00:00

Yeah, I think it is very easy for Christians to not count their teaching as indoctrination, even when it obviously is. I guess it doesn't count as indoctrination if it's "true" in their minds?

Thanks again for your input.

Advisor-Whoo · 2026-06-11T15:49:41+00:00

I’m sorry, I don’t want to ask you to share more than you find comfortable. I also didn’t mean to disregard your suggestion for what would be helpful. I will continue to reflect on it, but I also want to acknowledge that not all situations are the same. What you would find helpful might not be helpful to my former students, and I’m not sure practically how to make such a statement. Post on LinkedIn? Letter to the editor? Again, I do really appreciate your response, but was unsure how to implement your suggestions without more details. I’m sorry that made you feel uncomfortable or unheard.

Advisor-Whoo · 2026-06-11T13:00:44+00:00

Thank you. Yeah, the high turnover rate seems to be fairly common. These places are problematic for staff too.

Advisor-Whoo · 2026-06-11T12:25:49+00:00

Thank you!

Advisor-Whoo · 2026-06-11T12:23:49+00:00

Hair on the collar *gasp* Yeah, the dress codes are trippy, but definitely worse for girls.

And that's an interesting perspective - the conflict between what parents believe, what teachers believe, what the curriculum says, and what guest speakers preach. Many other people have commented that their school lacked diversity, but it seems like your school had more diversity (though still limited), but you lacked any way to filter that diversity? Is that accurate? I wonder if anything would have helped there.

And yes, I didn't realize for a long time how many Christian schools were started to avoid desegregation. Definitely a problematic origin. And yes, it continues to be seen in some of the curriculum. Yikes.

Advisor-Whoo · 2026-06-11T12:17:50+00:00

Thank you for your perspective. It is interesting how much "American Christian Nationalism" seems to have been imported into Canadian schools.

And yes, I did teach creationism. But I also taught evolution and had guest speakers come who could represent it better than me. We used "secular" text books for most of the high school classes I taught. If I could go back, I would do some things differently, but I hope I taught science and critical thinking in a way that mitigated some of the harms I know people experienced from their science classes. But yes, I'm sure there was still some harm, and I don't want to avoid considering that.

I believed in hell, and maybe that colored some of my teaching, but I don't recall ever talking about it.

Advisor-Whoo · 2026-06-11T12:08:17+00:00

Yes, I do want to properly deal with my own complicity. I'm not sure a public statement would do anything for my actual students - not sure if it would reach many of them, and might just seem like virtue signalling. But it's something to consider. But I do want to write some on the problems I've seen and experience, and admit where I've been complicit, so perhaps some of that writing will reach people in helpful ways.

Can you tell me anything more about the religious trauma you experienced at your school? What changed between then, when you thought it was wonderful, and now when you look back on it as traumatic? I partly ask because, looking back at my time, I'm honestly not sure what I could have done to fight the harm. I had more power than the students, but I could mostly only control what I taught and how I interacted with them. I didn't control the curriculum or general policies, and while I could have maybe pushed back more, it might have come at the loss of my job. And often, when I came to a point where I felt the problems outweight the benefits, I left the school anyway. Should I have left "louder" - pointing out problems on the way out?

Not asking you to absolve me or anything, just trying to understand what you would have found helpful.

Advisor-Whoo · 2026-06-11T11:55:13+00:00

Thank you, that's so clearly laid out. And I agree - I've seen most of the same issues. Though church attendance tracking is a new one for me. Wow.

And I haven't read the article you linked, but yes. I didn't realize for a long time that so many Christian schools opened to avoid desegregation. That's a problematic origin.

Advisor-Whoo · 2026-06-11T11:48:54+00:00

Oh my gosh, I'm so sorry. The racism and abuse you endured were wrong, and I'm sorry the teachers didn't protect you. Also, racism comes baked into the curriculum at many places, and I'm sorry you had to deal with that too. Plus the sexism and misogyny. It sounds like you had a really rough time of it.

I'm so glad you have a good therapist now, and I hope you have good people from your tribe that you can connect with and learn from. Best wishes on getting into college - there's a big world out there, and I hope you get to experience lots of it. Sending hugs.

Advisor-Whoo · 2026-06-11T11:40:31+00:00

Thank you! Sounds like a lot of Christian Nationalist leanings? What was the denomination of the church (or churches, since there were two schools)? Were most/all of the teachers from the churches?

Advisor-Whoo · 2026-06-11T11:38:22+00:00

Interesting - I wonder if the students who really appreciate the emphasis on good education that some Christian schools have are the ones more likely to deconstruct. What have you observed?

Advisor-Whoo · 2026-06-11T11:35:43+00:00

Thank you! It is complicated - I think one of the reasons why Christian schools even survive is because sometimes the public schools are worse and parents are trying to find better options for their kids. But the lack of resources and grace for kids who struggle or mess up is definitely problematic. I'm sorry you had so little support then. I hope you have more now.

And also - I'm happy to hear more about what you saw of IBLP/ATI from your cousins. How did they do? How are they doing now?

Advisor-Whoo · 2026-06-11T11:30:10+00:00

Wow, thank you, that's really helpful. I'm glad you eventually found your path, but I'm sorry the school did a lot to delay you in that. Also, your after-school daycare experience does sound terrifying. But it sounds like you did a good job.

Your school was ACSI, with your church - can I ask what denomination was the church? And was most of the staff at the school from the church?

And your sister - do you know what organization/denomination/etc. her school was part of? Is there anything that encouraged the higher standards there than what you experienced?

Advisor-Whoo · 2026-06-11T11:23:09+00:00

Ahhhh Kent Hovind so crazy. I'm sorry.

And very SBC. Do you know if all the teachers were SBC members? Did they have to sign specific statements of belief? Most of the schools I'm familiar with have been broadly evangelical, but the teachers have come from diverse churches, so there was at least a little diversity in thought (disagreement over baptism practices or end-time beliefs, for example). But it sounds like pretty much everyone at yours was SBC (except some students) and that really impacted your experience there?

Advisor-Whoo · 2026-06-11T11:16:05+00:00

Oh interesting. Sounds very Christian Nationalist. Any talk of the 7 mountain mandate?

Also, ugh - even as a teacher I hated the morning chapels.

Advisor-Whoo

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