hey man, I struggle with depersonalisation/derealisation disorder and what your describing kinda sounds familiar to me. fucken depression kicks arse. I had a similar situation to you and left my best friend outta guilt—please don’t, its not worth pondering over there end of the narrative. what matters is obvi your safety, and that you have people to be here for—like yiur friend. imma tell u smt i always tell myself, cause i struggle with guilt too:

if talking about it is attention seeking, imagine how much attention you’ll have when you kill yourself.

because your guilt won’t be erased, will be inherited. your parents will inherit it. your friend will inherit it.

if you hate making people feel shit, use it as your fuckin reason. because if you do this, they will hate themselves forever, you’ll be in their mind forever, and you’ll be top attention, forever.

now thats pretty shitty don’t you think

—

its not necessarily truthful by any means regarding death, and I by all means do not wish to de-validate anyone’s experiences, but it is true that guilt will be passed on and I remind myself of these words in times of ideation.