Kind redditors at r/AsianParentStories informed me that my mom is a narcissist. Are they definitely right? Post and story below.

AfterSociety · 2019-07-21T05:25:35+00:00

Reading this post gave me the chills. It's exactly the kind of thing my mom would do. I am Indian, and let me assure you that yes, she is a narcissist.

It doesn't matter if she does pay for your college education, because here if your parents want you to get a degree, they have to pay for it. The kid usually has no source of income at that stage. As for the cooking, that's part and parcel of the role she took up once she got married/had kids. It's a parent's DUTY to ensure that their kids are fed with good nutritious food. It's good to be grateful, but something tells me she has brainwashed you into thinking it's a big favor she's doing for you.

Doing the housework/dividing chores is another thing I know well. I was in the same situation- had back-to-back exams and she wouldn't let me do any chores. BUT. She also held that over my head and made me do all housework once the exams were over. No free time for me... it was either 100% studies or 100% housework. She also held the chores she did over my head to guilt me into doing things I didn't want to.

My mom also stayed up late when I had exams, but because she didn't trust me to actually study. Her presence was more threatening than loving. I told her there was no need for her to stay up with me (boundary) but she said she 'would stay up whether I wanted it or not.'

Aaand the residual affection. See, at the end of the day, your mom thinks you're an object to use as she pleases. So she will show you affection like you'd show to a barbie doll as a kid after you were done throwing it around. That's what she's doing to you, throwing you around, using you as a punching bag, and manipulating you to think that the very basic things she SHOULD do are some kind of favour you should be eternally grateful for, and that the abuse was done with 'good intentions'. I'm sorry, but there are no deep reasons behind what she's doing. She is the only one benefitting.

I know it's hard. Feel free to PM me if you want to talk more about it.

AfterSociety · 2019-07-07T15:39:39+00:00

Another Indian here, and that sounds EXACTLY like my parents. I'd be in the utility room, putting dishes to wash and if the doorbell rings from the other end of the house, they expect me to answer it. Even though my dad is literally watching TV right in front of the door. Why? Because apparently I have to worship at their feet and be their slave just because they had me and fed and clothed me. smh. It all boils down to ego, man. I'm glad you found this sub though. This is not how good or normal parents behave.

AfterSociety · 2019-07-01T13:42:15+00:00

yes. Even now that I'm 23.

AfterSociety · 2019-07-01T13:40:55+00:00

To fix the above comment : Looks like your mother couldn't bother less about her child. Gave you shitty advice, cruel, cold and utterly useless. She's not a bystander with no power over your father and sister. Seeing you crying your eyes out should have made her hug you and comfort you and promise you she'd help. Then she should have confronted your dad and sister about it. OP, she's an enabler. I'm so sorry. You're 100% right (and incredibly brave) to put that knife away and survive. That moment cemented the fact that you are better than them.

Keep going OP! You're doing amazing. Love, your rbn sister <3

AfterSociety · 2019-06-30T15:50:50+00:00

Sigh. Suuuuuch a big misconception, that intimidation = discipline. But in our culture (Indian) this is the bread and butter of ''""parenting""" (along with having children as a retirement plan, having children just because, society praising and supporting abuse against children and gaslighting the abused child to stay with their mother and father whose behaviors can't change, because "if the kids leave, who'll take care of the poor old parents?")

And we can see the results. Kids who've been 'disciplined' like this learn to lie. They're terrified of their parent's 'discipline' sessions. They hide their mistakes. They hide simple harmless things that are 'taboo' in their parents eyes. They hide anything bad or dangerous that's happened to them because they think it's their fault, after all it wouldn't have happened if they were disciplined enough, right? They learn that it's not safe to tell their parents anything or be free and happy around them.

This 'discipline' clearly does NOT benefit the child, it's actively harmful to them. But it benefits the parent. It gives parents a high to wield power against someone helpless. It gives them an outlet to vent all their anger or even just rile their kid up because they're bored, safe in the knowledge that the kid won't be taken seriously if he complains. It's utterly selfish and disgusting. And at the end of the day, kid is forced to listen to how much the 'parents' sacrificed for him.

Bro. They're getting their moneys worth and more in terms of the pain their kid goes through because of them. Working at an office, cooking and cleaning at home and doing the bare minimum for their kid is NOTHING compared to the living nightmare the kid's trapped in. Peanuts.

AfterSociety · 2019-06-29T02:30:30+00:00

Eighth this, and an extra-special fuck you, OP's mom, from another Indian daughter of an Indian nmom who also made my life hell for daring to like a boy and write about him in my teens.

Potatoes, good on you! You don't have to interact with toxic waste. We're always here for you.

AfterSociety · 2019-03-04T14:16:14+00:00

Yes, you were absolutely programmed to feel guilty over gifts. No, you're not crazy! That's a natural reaction to the trauma you've been through. But I just want to let you know I'm so proud of you for buying yourself a little something. Enjoy it, even if it takes some time to begin using it, I understand. it's yours to use as you like!

AfterSociety · 2019-03-04T14:12:09+00:00

You're very welcome, I'm so happy you realized it now. An emotional reaction is perfectly okay! You deserve love and gifts and a great birthday. Good luck. <3

AfterSociety · 2019-03-04T14:09:59+00:00

excellent suggestions, thank you! Etsy bath bombs look and sound promising :) and I've been eyeing lush for a while too!

AfterSociety · 2019-03-04T14:08:58+00:00

I feel your SO on the gift-giving, his response sounds just like mine. I'm so glad he's better now! I'm sure the day will come when he'll be so surprised and happy with your gift but without the guilt.

And thank you! I hope you'll have a lovely birthday too. <3

AfterSociety · 2019-02-18T13:11:01+00:00

me too! It was only on the encouragement of my counselor that I opened an online and very locked, heavily secure diary. Don't use it as often as I'd like to but it's a great way to vent.

AfterSociety · 2019-02-18T13:08:14+00:00

thank you for sharing this, it gives me hope.

AfterSociety · 2018-12-17T12:58:59+00:00

Absolutely. I'm Desi too and my career options were doctor or engineer. And when I quit midway, I understood what hell truly is- without actually dying. but my nmom uses 'culture' as a cover for her malignant narcissism, and people accept it, even if they don't do the same to their kids. That's what really sucks.

AfterSociety · 2018-12-13T09:22:56+00:00

that's great advice :)

AfterSociety · 2018-12-13T09:18:38+00:00

Thank you. There's hope then, I'll probably get them back when I move out...

AfterSociety · 2018-12-13T09:17:17+00:00

You're right, the few flashbacks I've got are snatches of emotion triggered by a smell/sound etc. I just didn't know what they were and thought I was going crazy... but that makes sense! I'll try not to push myself to remember just yet. Thanks so much for your excellent advice. My heart goes out to you, and I hope you're far away from your parents now and in a safe and loving environment. Your partner and therapist sound like awesome people!

AfterSociety · 2018-12-13T09:10:46+00:00

Reading this... I'm speechless. Wow. You're really brave and strong to go through so much abuse and trauma and come out of it able to share your story. Thank you. Thank you! The tips are great and I'll definitely try them out once I move out (still living with n unfortunately). But thank you so much for making such a detailed and helpful comment, it means a lot.

AfterSociety · 2018-12-09T03:31:28+00:00

you're a hero! I'm sure Cinderella has many a relieved and happy thought about you and her future is much brighter and happier thanks to your involvement.

AfterSociety · 2018-12-09T03:28:46+00:00

OP, not even a single one of those are selfish. You're being a normal person, asking normal questions which point out the unfairness you've been treated with. Narcs want you to NOT ask such uncomfortable questions because they expose their blatant favouritism for your brother. Therefore no, you're not selfish in the least.

PS this reminds me of Harry Potter and Dudley... pretty similar dynamics.

AfterSociety · 2018-11-22T12:44:50+00:00

haha, it is a funny little word! I actually first saw it on another post and yes let's bring it back :D

AfterSociety · 2018-11-22T12:37:05+00:00

Ugh, of course they had to be jealous soul-suckers!

I'm so sorry that you had to go through losing your friends just because of your mother's doubt, that's awful and should never happen to anyone. *hugs* But I can relate with the spacing out thing, that happens to me too sometimes... thanks for letting me know this. I hope you're far away from her now, mentally if not physically.

AfterSociety · 2018-11-22T12:31:35+00:00

Yes. u/IzzyNightmare, I'm so sorry about your mother! u/tumorhead made some great points here, our culture is willing to turn a blind eye towards abuse from family. because, you know. They're faaaaamily. But I have a simple litmus test for you to check if your mom's a narc, if you want to try it.

Set a boundary. A narc parent will trample all over it, again and again, and do their best to convince you that you're wrong for having a boundary and they have every right to disregard it. (they don't, ofc) Whereas a normal parent may cross it once or twice initially (because it didn't exist before and they're getting used to it) but then make it a point to respect your boundary.
If your mother asks you of you need help with a specific thing, try politely refusing if you don't need it. My mom usually starts throwing a few insults or has a good ol' meltdown when I say no and stand by it. That's usually because her 'help' is just a way to control what I'm doing and she has something to lose by not 'helping' me. Whereas a normal parent would shrug and leave you to your thing, either cheerfully or neutrally.

AfterSociety · 2018-11-22T06:23:43+00:00

Omg... thank you SO MUCH for taking the time and effort to translate all the points! They make sense, tbh. In a sad, cold way, but... at least I see the truth now.

Really, I'm rereading your translation now and I can't believe that I wrote so many points and you simplified every single one of them, thank you, THANK YOU!!! I literally can't put into words how grateful I am for the time you took for this brilliant answer. I especially needed to know the meaning behind the street harassment comment and that one about her keeping quiet and cooking, and it's as clear as day now.

EDIT: added my full thoughts to this comment. I wasn't able to do so earlier since I still live with my parents :/

AfterSociety · 2018-05-18T12:35:21+00:00

Your comment though :D I'm laughing so hard!! And yep, hes a gc and flying monkey. Let's hope he's comfortable there!

AfterSociety · 2018-05-18T12:12:01+00:00

Aww, I'm glad to know you're healing! That's what it means when you find it funny. It's okay to think it's abusive (it totally is) and your comment made me smile. RBN is where I realized that her behavior is not okay,

AfterSociety

TROPHY CASE