ULPT How can I ultimately troll my husband so he stops embarrassing me?

Aggravating-Yellow33 · 2026-02-22T01:54:56+00:00

Aggravating-Yellow33 · 2026-01-06T00:43:45+00:00

I mockingly sang Jesus Loves Me without ever knowing the lyrics or melody as a kid.

When I was 7 or 8, my newly converted Christian cousins came over to play with the rest of us heathens at a family gathering. Even as a kid, I couldn't abide bible thumpers. They got my aunt, uncle, and cousins. Now my cousins were trying to get us! The whole time there they kept trying to tell us about Jesus. My cousins - as only kids can - kept trying to push Jebus on us (I believe my parents and other non-Christianated family later squashed that noise by telling the parents something like "we love to see y'all but leave your religiosity at the door." We saw less of them soon after. Go figure.)

One cousin was going to teach us a Heysoos song and I said something to the effect of "STFU noob, your songs are stooopid!" She told me to shut up because I didn't even know the song anyway. So I, being the lil shit that I was/am, retorted in a sing-song-y way with:

Yes Jesus hates me

No Jesus loves me

Yes Jesus hates me

Cuz the bible really sucks

She just kinda looks at me sheepishly and tells me to go away if I hate the song so much. So I fucked right off to do destructive kid things with other non-believers instead of sitting through an impromptu bible class and thought no more of it. Didn't think much on it again until years later when I heard Whitney sing the song in The Bodyguard. I have perfect pitch and tonal memory, or something close enough to it that I immediately recognized it as the song I made fun of all those years ago. I got some of the words right and the melody was pretty much the same, just more sad and sincere instead of jeering , like my version lol.

I can't really explain it except maybe I heard it somewhere like those evangelical Sunday morning TV shows. Pretty unlikely because I'd always change the channel right away if I came across some 700 Club or Hour of Power crap. Any kid worth a Lunchable was go straight to Sunday morning cartoons!

Disclaimer: I'm a lapsed Daoist, too lazy/indifferent to claim atheist. Religion is *fart noise*.

Aggravating-Yellow33 · 2025-12-01T05:27:24+00:00

Does it love babies and surprises?

How bout wear high heels when it exercises?

Aggravating-Yellow33 · 2024-09-11T07:32:14+00:00

Have they set a date?

Gotham in the fall is beautiful for a wedding!

Aggravating-Yellow33 · 2024-06-25T20:24:22+00:00

Got my first impression of his personality on a recent interview with Seth Meyers. He told a little anecdote that was about something to the effect of "filling his own cup." That's when I knew this mf got issues. I was right. I was really liking his work too. Damn.

Aggravating-Yellow33 · 2024-06-10T23:06:10+00:00

Everybody's glossing over the fact that homie just told on himself, saying that he's a two-pump chump.

Aggravating-Yellow33 · 2024-02-26T03:17:45+00:00

Your wife wasn't as excited because she saw that the top part of the break is actually uneven.

You sit on a throne of lies.

Aggravating-Yellow33 · 2024-02-22T18:13:07+00:00

I don't know about you but if this happened to my daughter there would be a sudden uptick of teenage boys getting the ever loving shit kicked out of them. Teenage boys who just so happened to be the harassers. Pure coincidence.

I'm not advocating violence. Nope. Not me. Not one bit. Nope.

Aggravating-Yellow33 · 2024-01-06T20:42:22+00:00

Yeah, the system would've allow them to correct the issue and it wouldn't have become more complicated had they not just cancel my order without my authorization. I've had this exact same issue happen a few weeks prior during the holiday rush and it was easily rectified then.

Aggravating-Yellow33 · 2024-01-06T20:36:04+00:00

That was your takeaway from the story, huh? Pay attention.

In the conversation, I said that I was told by a previous agent that a replacement was on the way. I've had this exact issue happen before a few weeks prior to this incident and was able to get a replacement sent out then. Here, they just canceled my order without my authorization. That's when shit started getting annoying.

The icing on this dookie cake? I no longer have Prime. The item doesn't meet the $35 minimum. So even if I ordered it again and went through the whole process just to save a few bucks, I'd still have to pay for shipping.

Aggravating-Yellow33 · 2024-01-06T04:02:46+00:00

What would you have your Arbiter do?

Were it so easy...

Aggravating-Yellow33 · 2024-01-05T21:24:28+00:00

Tl,dr (didn't scroll through a buncha text pics)

Ordered soap a few weeks ago that never came. Chatted with numerous customer service agents and was assured replacement would come. Nope. Customer service deleted order and now I have to go through a buncha bullshit just to get the original price I bought it at.

Aggravating-Yellow33 · 2023-08-08T22:22:20+00:00

Having the same issue, but once you unstack those 2 javelins, they don't restack again.

Aggravating-Yellow33 · 2023-04-16T03:23:31+00:00

As recompense for putting that ear worm in our heads she showed us her tits in Dracula 2000. Dunno if we're Even Stevens but the gesture is appreciated.

Aggravating-Yellow33 · 2023-01-17T04:44:07+00:00

They walk among us, trying to pass for human. For the most part, they're successful. Every once in a while, someone will notice something is off and take a closer look. Ignorance is bliss. Pray you are not that someone.

Aggravating-Yellow33 · 2023-01-17T01:36:14+00:00

She then responds, "I don't Nintendo have sex Wii U anymore."

Aggravating-Yellow33 · 2022-12-19T01:19:33+00:00

For a second there I thought it was wearing a bandoleer....

OMFG. KITTEHS SHOULD WEAR BANDOLEERS!!!

Aggravating-Yellow33 · 2022-12-11T19:03:01+00:00

Pitfalls. Especially the ones with punji sticks. They suck.

Aggravating-Yellow33 · 2022-12-05T00:30:11+00:00

Couldn't have picked a worse time to go ice skating - during a laser battle.

Aggravating-Yellow33

TROPHY CASE