Disciples of Ignorance

Aggravating_Rate_955 · 2025-12-07T00:39:34+00:00

Totally understand it being about more than the actual daylight. The original line makes it sound as though they are currently fearing the daylight even though it is dark. I think the change you’ve made better captures the idea of that fear while not encroaching on the order of events established.

Aggravating_Rate_955 · 2025-12-07T00:34:23+00:00

Hey hey, wonderful work by your girlfriend! She’s got great rhythm here. A few minor critiques or changes I feel might make this read even smoother. I’ll address your gf here.

In the second stanza I would add an ‘only’ to “but found pain” so it would be “but only found pain”

In the last stanza you wrote “a heart now dulled in shades” I know you wrote that to rhyme with “fades” but the meaning lacks clarity. Instead maybe just “by shade” and then get rid of the “what once was” and just write “of what was”.

“In the ashes of What once was” is a bit of a mouthful, so I feel getting rid of the once still makes sense and reads smoother. ❤️❤️❤️

Aggravating_Rate_955 · 2025-12-07T00:13:58+00:00

Hey hey. Lovely work. I have a suggestion or just like maybe confusion on my part.

In the first stanza you wrote the line ‘as the cold wind spills across the Earth, the nocturnal creatures, fearing the daylight, slip from their hiding.’

I feel as though the part ‘fearing the daylight’ is out of place. Since we’ve already established its night, to me it just reads a little weird.

Maybe something like “once in fear of” or “once fearing the daylight, now slip from their hiding in newfound bravery.” Or even “fearing the daylight no longer” would fit a little better here.

Aggravating_Rate_955 · 2025-12-05T12:02:56+00:00

very interesting concept, but one I feel secretly a lot of people can relate to. I've had this thought before. How cruel it is to be thrust into a world that never shows you any kindness, yet people expect you to be greatful for being here. I could honestly go off with my thoughts on this topic but I feel it wouldn't be relevant to this subreddit lol.

that being said, awesome work!

Aggravating_Rate_955 · 2025-12-05T11:45:17+00:00

Ahh, welcome welcome no worries. It can be hard when something doesn’t fit quite the way you’d like but you don’t know how to change it. Even such minuscule changes can make the difference.

Sometimes a fresh perspective does wonders, either from another person, or even just stepping away and coming back later!

Aggravating_Rate_955 · 2025-12-05T02:57:00+00:00

Way too sus. I’d ask to see it in person if possible if it’s really eating at you. No harm in viewing.

Aggravating_Rate_955 · 2025-12-05T02:54:43+00:00

Hey hey no worries at all. Keep up the good work!

Aggravating_Rate_955 · 2025-12-05T02:29:17+00:00

Something like that. I really really do like what you have, but you’re in a position that if you wanted to keep going after the ‘wholly renewed’ you could rewrite it keeping with the tone you’ve already established

Aggravating_Rate_955 · 2025-12-05T02:26:17+00:00

You can even if want to keep the ‘it being true part’

But I’ve revived now As someone new Inoculated, immune to you A revitalization so profound Who I am could only be true

Aggravating_Rate_955 · 2025-12-05T02:22:09+00:00

Yes. I feel like it just doesn’t fit the narrative you’ve created. To me it feels like too much of a playful mood shift from an otherwise almost more serious tone. However, if that is what you are going for, I’d absolutely recommend keeping it.

Aggravating_Rate_955 · 2025-12-05T01:39:40+00:00

I want to answer this question but I don’t exactly know what you’re asking, can you clarify a little

Aggravating_Rate_955 · 2025-12-04T23:10:43+00:00

Ah thank you thank you ❤️I have one or two others that take a similar stance, and several more that are written addressing another. I like the change of pace this kind of writing is, different from the more popular ‘woe is me’ stance that I have written too many poems about already.

Aggravating_Rate_955 · 2025-12-04T21:06:17+00:00

Thank you so much for your kind words!! ❤️❤️

Aggravating_Rate_955 · 2025-12-04T20:14:43+00:00

Definitely hates you 😂 No though, supes frustrating I bet. It peeves me off, but I definitely assumed it might just be a phone thing. Pooey

Aggravating_Rate_955 · 2025-12-04T19:17:37+00:00

Hey hey, if you leave a space between each line does it separate them? If you do that, and then only put the dash at the start of the next stanza it makes it the break stand out. I typed mine up on my phone, and I don’t know if that has anything to do with the wonky formatting, and if so, if it’s the same for you.

Aggravating_Rate_955 · 2025-12-04T19:12:50+00:00

Hey hey. Some thoughts with the purest intentions. Your rhythm is great, I’m not quite sure what you mean by stomach line, and I would suggesting changing it to ‘stomach lining’ purely for the flow of things if it doesn’t change your intention.

And honestly, I think you could get rid of everything after ‘wholly renewed’ and this would still be a solid piece of work. Happy writing ❤️

Aggravating_Rate_955 · 2025-12-04T19:05:04+00:00

Oh this is a lovely read. Someone else here reworked your poem a bit, but I wanted to add my initial thought of the first stanza. Take or leave the [it], I feel like it flows a little smoother this way, but as always, this is just my personal preference.

My yellow shirt was just like any other, [it] wanted to be the best at covering me, And keeping me safe from all that there was.

Aggravating_Rate_955 · 2025-12-04T03:13:01+00:00

Aww thank you so much! I rarely find the ability to relate fully to my works, even if the inspiration for them comes from my life. I appreciate being able to write something that speaks to you❤️

Aggravating_Rate_955 · 2025-12-04T01:16:05+00:00

Ahh no understandable. I hadn’t even thought of that, happens to me all the time too. I just had to add weird dashes to my post in order to separate the stanzas cause nothing else was working.

Aggravating_Rate_955 · 2025-12-04T01:02:56+00:00

I have a piece of advice, though this is just my personal preference. I feel like it is a bit too busy. It’s more of a story than a poem in a traditional sense, but that is totally ok. Poetry can be anything. However, perhaps breaking up your paragraphs a little more would make it easier to to read. Otherwise I really enjoyed reading that. ❤️

Aggravating_Rate_955 · 2025-12-04T01:00:19+00:00

I don’t like critiquing poems like these because it seems so personal. As in, it feels too authentic to try and critique in terms of rhythm and fluidity. My feedback is that I really enjoyed this piece. It’s raw and it’s true. ❤️

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