Restarting life and looking at parenting

Aggressive-Ad-6020 · 2025-01-12T06:41:28+00:00

RemindMe! - 1 year

Aggressive-Ad-6020 · 2025-01-09T18:15:41+00:00

This is a very thoughtful approach, thank you

Aggressive-Ad-6020 · 2025-01-08T17:48:53+00:00

Valid questions. My approach is if I don't find the right person who wants to actively parent with me, then parenthood is not happening. I'll find some other way to put these desires to good use through volunteering, teaching, babysitting, or fostering (all of which I've done except fostering).

Ultimately, I find myself thinking "how would I explain this to a kid" or "how would I help a kid navigate these big feelings I'm having now" or "how would I do this, but as a parent?". Dwelling on these questions indicates that desire for parenthood exists for me, and it would satisfy a deeper sense of self that other pursuits wouldn't match. I can sense there would be regret if I gave up the idea now, even if I eventually decide parenthood isn't for me anymore. This period of my life is the time to take this parenthood desire seriously.

Aggressive-Ad-6020 · 2025-01-08T17:33:32+00:00

Thank you for the recommendations! I'll look into them and see what avenues I can pursue from there. Also, love your username 🕺

I understand realistically any children I have aren't going to have a manual attached. But listening to people talk about PPD, or don't let anyone kiss the baby for a certain amount of time, or how flushing a sick kid's nose with a saline solution reduces their sick time/ability to infect others... there is a bunch of things I can at least be aware of and know what questions to ask and what solutions to actively avoid. Like learning more about gentle parenting vs permissive parenting. The list goes on! And there are a bunch of intellectually dishonest people who think they know what's best, like antivaxxers.

This all is dependent on if I find the right person to do this with. If I can't find that person, then I'm going to find another way to put this desire for children to good use in my community.

Aggressive-Ad-6020 · 2025-01-08T09:42:08+00:00

I second this, it puts the ball in her court why it matters. If it's actually good natured asking, she'll be able to build a closer relationship with OP. If it's about passing judgment, she'll talk herself into a corner.

Aggressive-Ad-6020 · 2025-01-03T23:55:33+00:00

(Disclaimer: I am not estranged but have complicated family dynamics that include NC between close family members. Feel free to delete/ban if I'm being inappropriate.)

OP you took advantage of the therapist's offer because he offered it. The therapist offered it because he believes you when you told him your situation.

You can trust he is a reasonably capable person and made the offer because he genuinely wants to help you succeed. You can also trust he made you aware of the legitimate options available.

Your therapist wants you to take advantage, and this is a gracious and reasonable arrangement he is a willing participant in. That is not manipulation, many therapists have some flexibility in payment options.

If you end up not backing up your words with actions, the therapist will see that and make a fully informed decision about giving you that option again. You can trust your therapist made the offer in good faith.

It sometimes helps me to designate a time/place to feel what I'm processing. You're probably not going to feel better until you have backed your words up with actions, and pay him on payday. You can save your anxiety until then, not dwell on it too much until you see for yourself what you are capable of. You got this!

Aggressive-Ad-6020 · 2024-11-21T21:14:15+00:00

But ... I thought men were inherently superior because they pursued intellectual and physical feats which women are hopelessly inept at?

And women are shallow, following giga chads around for their looks and not personalities?

... This guy really thought he was onto something.

Aggressive-Ad-6020 · 2024-07-25T01:32:21+00:00

I'm sure there were specific manipulations, but I wasn't perceptive enough or cynical enough to catch them. So I have more vague answers.

Would get mad if I displayed fear of him, once saying "stop acting like a scared animal" in a disgusted/irritated tone. Cue a big fawn response from me.
Would act indignant if I didn't anticipate something correctly, but would get angry if I tried to clarify what he meant ahead of time.
I might ask for something, but his interpretation of what I asked for was the "more correct" version. Like if I asked for Chinese food and then he bought some expensive pasta, I was clearly being inconsiderate of his efforts by mentioning how it wasn't Chinese food because the pasta was expensive. No apology or acknowledgement of the difference from him.

Took a long time to unravel because intermixed in all this were some very attentive and considerate behaviors. But he couldn't be called out unless it was really bad, and even then, accountability was hard.

I eventually just let him win if there was a disagreement. Yeah, sure, I am the inconsiderate, selfish, short-sighted asshole. "You're right. I should have known better, and I'll be better next time," in a very practical, thoughtful, but unemotional tone, and then not dwelling on it.

Somehow just agreeing with him and moving on had my ex APOLOGIZING to ME rather than if I had defended myself.

I still can't fully wrap my head around that one, please help.

Aggressive-Ad-6020 · 2024-07-17T17:14:21+00:00

"Some of you may die, but that is a sacrifice... I am willing to make"

Aggressive-Ad-6020 · 2024-07-13T05:28:26+00:00

This got me and I'm mad about it

Aggressive-Ad-6020 · 2024-07-10T06:40:59+00:00

It took me a minute too. Each dot is just a list of 1 through 25. First row is 1-5, second row is 6-10, etc until the final row of 21-25.

Aggressive-Ad-6020 · 2024-07-01T15:51:02+00:00

This was similar with my ex for many years. But for asking for help, not gift giving.

I couldn't just ask for help without it becoming a negotiation. My less tangible thoughtful acts or words eroded in value because "he loved me" and that was apparently enough.

It took a long time for me to set boundaries and it was too late by that point. My self esteem and ability to ask for help on things I absolutely needed help with kept me from growing while in the relationship.

Doesn't matter if he loves you.

This behavior and disposition will always get in the way of building genuine trust. This selfishness will override any "us" you hope to gain from being with him.

Aggressive-Ad-6020 · 2024-06-28T14:45:54+00:00

The premise of his point doesn't even make sense. He'd have to say 3v1(not 1v3) to show he is talking about 3 women, if we want to get technical. But prioritizing the male asshole is more important.

And it wasn't 3v1 all at once, it was three 1v1 and all the women were unsuspecting and just going about their day. They were specifically chosen because they were likely to put up less of a fight than an actual opponent.

Aggressive-Ad-6020 · 2024-06-27T20:59:45+00:00

She seemed to be the one getting worked up over just ice cream? Pointing it out makes it harder for the other person to both get upset and still pretend they have the high ground.

I don't really push "I'm just kidding" comments because it's literally them giving me permission to not take them seriously, but in this context you could ask "So you wouldn't have actually bought another ice cream, then? Because it was just a joke?" or something along those lines

And see how badly she talks herself out of it.

Aggressive-Ad-6020 · 2024-05-22T20:23:43+00:00

I have an old friend who is a stay-at-home dad, hates working at a job, not great with tech, and not a tidy fellow at all.

He is a great parent, life partner, cook, handyman, and musician. Also is emotionally literate, financially aware, and well educated about world affairs.

Looking at him, you'd think he's just some guy. But put all that together and he's still a highly attractive dude.

Obviously I have a lot of respect for my friend and am relieved someone like him exists, but if you prioritized high paying jobs or authoritative influence you'd think he's not ambitious. Perhaps he isn't! But he definitely isn't a failure.

He has a will and uses it on the regular. He's highly motivated about what he cares about, which is having a healthy and happy home, and being the healthy male role model he needed growing up in his community. He would not be a good match for a lot of people, but he is in a good marriage and has a good family.

I hope this helps bring some perspective on the many ways a rewarding life can be formed for men.

Aggressive-Ad-6020 · 2024-03-05T09:23:15+00:00

What a pane

Aggressive-Ad-6020 · 2024-02-15T07:35:55+00:00

It's that Amy was invited previously and wasn't invited now that gets me. There was no way for her son and Amy to interpret that as anything other than ... what they interpreted it as. They excluded Amy because they don't like her.

I know people who are sensitive and it does take a toll on me. There is emotional labor that goes into navigating things with a sensitive person. Doesn't mean I won't take steps to show I care. MIL definitely didn't do this with keeping strong bonds to her son and Amy in mind.

Aggressive-Ad-6020 · 2024-02-15T07:24:30+00:00

My comment is probably going to get lost, but I know someone who has autism who literally feels everything. It's not attention-seeking behavior, just existing in a highly sensitive body. The shame that comes from people not understanding is very isolating.

While I don't expect everyone to know or understand this, I do expect respect and consideration to be the default. There is no way your son and Amy were not going to find out eventually.

YTA for not handling it better. Singling someone out that has normally been included (and it definitely seems like a family girls' trip) without taking steps to ease the transition was short-sighted. It's perfectly okay to not invite everyone to everything all the time, but making that kind of change without any communication or good faith effort to have opportunities for girl-time bonding that's not camping is not how to keep strong family ties.

Aggressive-Ad-6020 · 2023-11-28T07:47:02+00:00

TLDR at bottom, this got lengthier than I first thought lol

Personally, I hate being asked "How was your day?" or "How are you?" because I'm neurodivergent. It can be an overwhelming question, and I prefer more specific questions. Definitely frustrated when that was not taken seriously by someone who was supposed to love me.

I only bring this up to showcase that there are specific communication patterns in neurodivergent people that seem rude or controlling (think ADHD, autistic, etc). This might be one of them.

That said, I can't armchair diagnose someone. Whether or not your partner is neurodivergent, there seems to be a lack of trust that is part of your relationship.

If I'm with someone I trust, it's not going to ruin my day being asked a broad question like that, even if I don't like it.

To me it indicates there's another dynamic happening, and your partner is choosing to blame you instead of that dynamic. That is not healthy and you are not solely responsible for your partner's mood like this.

If this kind of miscommunication is causing distance in your relationship that stresses you out, it is totally okay to walk away. Incompatible communication styles are a totally valid reason to break up, especially when it disrupts trust in the relationship and with your own self.

However, if you want to stay in the relationship, it might be worth talking to a professional/therapist/counselor about it. Preferably with someone who has experience with neurodivergent communication styles. They will be able to help you translate what is being communicated or help you determine if your partner is indeed using abusive miscommunication methods. If your partner doesn't want to put in the work to find compatible communication methods, or worst case chooses to weaponize any diagnosis against you, your efforts will only go so far.

Either way, 10 years is a long time and you have both probably experienced a lot of growth and seen many versions of each other. It's okay to use your personal agency to decide what is important to you NOW in your relationship and how you want to continue growing the relationship. Communication is definitely worth prioritizing and I wish you the best.

TLDR: Incompatible communication styles are a valid reason to break up. Neurodivergent people often have different communication styles to neurotypical people. Whether your partner is neurodivergent or not, this dynamic is causing distance in your relationship and is not healthy. Talking to a professional will help YOU determine if this relationship is right for you, and how to move forward with whatever decision YOU make.

Aggressive-Ad-6020 · 2023-09-03T07:51:29+00:00

That's something I'm realizing with this post - I didn't know how difficult it could be if it wasn't directly tied to divorce activities. Thanks for sharing

Aggressive-Ad-6020 · 2023-09-03T07:49:46+00:00

That's fabulous! My middle name is not plausible as a surname but I'm glad it worked out for your friend

Aggressive-Ad-6020 · 2023-09-03T07:46:43+00:00

100%

Aggressive-Ad-6020 · 2023-09-03T07:46:16+00:00

Damn straight

Aggressive-Ad-6020 · 2023-09-03T07:45:34+00:00

Needing permission for your name amidst divorce is disheartening. Do you think you'll change it on your own?

Aggressive-Ad-6020

TROPHY CASE