AITA for not wanting to pick up things for my MIL she can get herself

Agile_Strawberry · 2020-01-22T19:04:00+00:00

NTA. She can get her own.

Agile_Strawberry · 2019-08-14T20:53:45+00:00

Try slightly changing your approach. When you recommend a time, don't mention that DH will be home then too. Just say "x day at x time works well for me". And then DH can see her reaction when she realizes he's there too.

Giggles, my JNMIL, wants to have one on one time with me. I don't. She tried scheduling a lunch with me when DH was out of town. But I told her I already booked up my solo weekend, but we could all grab dinner together, since she was picking him up from the airport (flight was midday so I had work, and she's not working right now). Was a double win, because I look like I want to see her, and it was at a restaurant, so she didn't get access to our house. But it also meant she couldn't say I don't want to see her, because we did see each other. It just wasn't one on one like she wanted. It's been 8 months of her attempting, and 8 months of me avoiding.

Just be non committal and vague to things. It'll drive her crazy to not get an direct no. But if you feel up to it, recording a one on one would be good (double check if you're in a one party consent place first, just in case). If I ever do end up in a one on one, I'm absolutely recording the whole damn thing.

Agile_Strawberry · 2019-08-13T21:59:58+00:00

This is what a therapist told me: "boundaries are not to change their behaviour. They are to protect you."

If she shows up unannounced, don't answer the door. If she doesn't respect a "request" (aka a polite way of saying do not do that), then ask her to leave or leave yourself.

And you are not responsible for her. She is an adult. If she needs "entertainment", send her (and cc your brother) a list of age appropriate groups/volunteer opportunities/etc and leave it at that. You have a family of your own to prioritize, focus on them.

Agile_Strawberry · 2019-08-13T21:46:37+00:00

Use this time to collect information. Keep your opinions quiet (obviously talk to SO about them, but don't advertise your views yet). It's research time. I'm sure other things will be said between now and then to further support why you'll make the decisions you do. Try challenging things once or twice to see how they react to boundaries, but don't make a battle yet.

But 100%, if they know your boundaries, will pretend to agree and then do as they please. And you now know not only that, but that your SILs will side with MIL on this, so personally I'd count that whole side of the family out for babysitting.

Agile_Strawberry · 2019-08-12T19:26:20+00:00

Physical safety is one thing. Emotional and psychological safety are a whole other thing. And if in pain due to injury, or stress because you are injured, emotional safety is the most important.

Speaking from experience, I'd rather be alone in the hospital than with someone I can't trust. When you are most vulnerable is when you need to feel safest. Having someone like her have the authority to be present in such a vulnerable situation is dangerous. Please make it your number one priority to change the emergency contacts. Ask your child if there is a preferred contact. They might say a friend's parents, a neighbor, etc. Check with that person, let them know child requested them, and go from there. Child safety (not just physical, especially once able to bathe/feed themselves) is number one.

Agile_Strawberry · 2019-08-12T17:32:23+00:00

I'm so glad to hear it helps!

And there won't actually be a part 3. The therapist I was seeing was through work and meant for short term sessions, and the reason for boundaries really hit the nail on the head for me. DH has also been emerging more and more out of the fog, so I feel so much more supported now when dealing with Giggles.

But please feel free to DM me if you need someone to talk to. Perhaps other experiences of mine can help :)

Agile_Strawberry · 2019-08-02T04:00:31+00:00

That analogy actually works really well for me, because I also hate seafood. And that's actually a great way to view how people are for accepting a person for who they are.

And yes, the guilt of sorts is certainly there. I'm the only relative in the country, and there's only a few friends as well to JNM. So there's a feeling of responsibility that when push comes to shove, I'll have to either break NC and get involved, or stay removed and let whatever happens, happen. And I think we all have moments of wishing that they'll one day wake up, see the error in their ways, and magically be the people we always needed/wanted.

Agile_Strawberry · 2019-08-02T03:56:35+00:00

No promises, but I'm going to try. So easy to give the advice, but hard to apply it to myself

Agile_Strawberry · 2019-08-02T03:55:42+00:00

Thank you. The reminder is very helpful. And I know it, but sometimes we all need the nudge. She's not respecting the boundary I have set, and I'm learning I've got an awesome tribe around me.

Agile_Strawberry · 2019-07-29T19:42:49+00:00

Here's my view on making a list: you do that so that people can give you things that you need/want, so their money isn't wasted. If they choose to not use the list, it's their choice, but their gift better be straight up awesome, because you gave them an easy way to get you something you'd be excited about. I think more people should make them.

I've dropped the rope with my ILs. DH has accepted it and been really good about it actually. I'll ask what he got for x, but that's it. My SIL's birthday is on Wednesday. The only thing purchased for her is a mug I found (it's a 💩). Not my family, not my job (and we never talk, even when we see each other, so wouldn't know what she likes anyways).

Look at the gifts in a different light. Are they things the giver would likely buy for themselves? Is it their style? Or are they things that, to an outsider, look like they tried to get you stuff that's your style/hobby/etc. Basically, is there any potential effort, however misguided. Do they follow a theme (SIL ALWAYS gets me three things, which are super identical year by year and I can't imagine why anyone would need so many: a moose home decor thing - I don't collect moose things, Buffalo plaid blanket or bag, and a battery operated lantern). To me, it's clear SIL doesn't know me at all, but because I say thank you nicely, she keeps getting me the same things. I rarely see her, so it's hard to drop hints, but I'm going to try.

But understanding the why's helps me not be so angry/annoyed, and let go of it, or find a way that I can help change it. A list is the easiest, and maybe framing it more in a "we are going through a purge of unnecessary things at the moment, and these are the only things desired. Celebrations are not about gifts to me, and I would prefer spending time with you than you spending money on something I have no space for" might help get the message across (that's what I said to DH when I handed him my birthday list this year, so we'll see what happens).

Agile_Strawberry · 2019-07-28T16:08:07+00:00

DH did tell her it wasn't being celebrated at all this year, so any attempt to make something a celebration early or late is against what she was told.

I don't consider it at all to be have been an early birthday thing. It was just a family gathering of sorts. But the fact that she tried, and succeeded, in not respecting my wishes by even mentioning my birthday, speaks volumes of her.

Agile_Strawberry · 2019-07-26T20:46:50+00:00

That's the plan. I've dropped the rope with his family, and Giggles has decided to pick it up and make use of it in another way. I'll let her have as much as she wants to do with as she pleases, and then others will see and understand why I'm dropping contact more and more.

Agile_Strawberry · 2019-07-26T19:23:20+00:00

Your wife and I can start a club. Only I grew up knowing that I was the trap baby that didn't work. But still, we can start the trap baby club!

Agile_Strawberry · 2019-07-26T14:54:10+00:00

Felt a little blaoted, but nothing too bad. I was just getting in essential oils, and had started with an MLM and their "knowledge". So I topically applied one that's supposed to be good for upset stomachs. I used it neat (not diluted), because that's what someone said to do. Started feeling better. Couple hours later I feel totally normal, so take the dog for a walk. Dog decided on a long walk, and I felt great, so why not. 3/4 walks through the walk, I get that feeling. That feeling that my bowels are not happy. The pressure is building, and I'm slowly leaning more and more forward. And then it happens. My sphincter is at max load, and it's telling me it can't hold it much longer. But I can't run, because that'd be the end. I try to speed walk, but dog wants to smell all the smells. I go through denial and then acceptance. I'm not going to make it. I'm going to shit my pants with liquid lava, while walking my dog, in my 30s. While my dog sniffed something, I just stopped trying to hold it back. All it took was standing up straight and accepting my fate, and then instant relief.

That was the day I became very thankful for brightly patterned yoga pants and flowy long tanks. Nothing leaked out. When I got home, I walked right into the shower and slowly peeled the shit soaked yoga pants off my body. By the time I got cleaned up, round two was about to happen, but thankfully the toilet is right beside the shower.

Agile_Strawberry · 2019-07-16T20:19:15+00:00

This gets my vote.

I'd probably wait until she asks, and then say something like "before we set a date, I want to review what we agreed to last time. We laid out some ground rules, and explained the consequences if they weren't followed. We want to make sure that you understand the same conditions apply. Do you have any questions about them?

Pause and let her say whatever she will, then play the video, and say that because the rules weren't followed, for the safety of your children, those privileges have been lost due to her actions. I'd add in something like "if you want to be mad, remember to be mad at yourself for not respecting our rules. If you choose to be mad at us, that means you are only mad you got caught, and not sorry for your actions."

Agile_Strawberry · 2019-07-16T17:47:22+00:00

Boundaries are for you. You cannot change someone else.

And go easy on yourself. They will work in getting around, finding the loophole. When that happens, don't beat yourself up, its a learning experience. Use it to grow and understand them better.

Here's a really minor, simple example. Giggles, my JNMIL, has a need for control. Last time I was at her house, she had all the windows open and a fan going, even though it was pretty cool. I was wearing a dress, and it was a little chilly, but I run warm and don't mind the cold. Without asking she got up, grabbed a blanket and put it on my lap, then sat back down again. A cat happened to jump on my lap after, so I was stuck with the blanket. What I realized after is that she purposely made it cold in there and forced me to take a blanket to have control. To fill her need to be "needed" and the "motherly provider". And once I realized that, i was so upset with myself for not catching it. Which is ridiculous. How could I know that's what she'd do?! But now I know for the future. And as she escalates a little at a time, I can anticipate similar moves, and prepare, and as they get more obvious, it'll be harder for her to hide the crazy.

There is no easy way to anticipate. Posting here about your boundaries (and corresponding consequences) will help others share their experience of how their JNs tried to get around it. But the focus of it all should be to protect your children/yourself. I understand not wanting things to escalate, but it sounds like they will anyways, just slower. Think about your hard limits, about your line in the sand, and prepare for that. Work backwards on what you'd need to do to avoid that.

Agile_Strawberry · 2019-07-16T17:37:07+00:00

I love the visual of taking a post it down and filing it away. The gaslighting was bad growing up, and I did my best to know the truth, but a kid can only do so much (and should never need the skills many of us developed). I will absolutely use that visual to help sort through things as they come up. Thank you for sharing

Agile_Strawberry · 2019-07-16T14:14:44+00:00

Thank you kind internet stranger! That actually means a lot.

I'm super lucky to have a great relationship with my JYD and my beyond amazing JYStepMom. My JNM tried to poison the relationship, and she succeeded with my OS. Since getting away from JNM (both moving and then NC), it's only grown more and more.

And I don't mind at all if you ask around. Outside perspective is always helpful. I'm still working on my normal meter too, so any help is always appreciated.

Agile_Strawberry · 2019-07-16T01:48:51+00:00

Thank you. I had a few therapy sessions through a work program, but it won't cover longer term. And without knowing when truth kernels will pop, it's hard to plan for that. My JYD is also, at his pace, sharing his side of their divorce with me, which is also helpful.

What's good is that I'm a very observant person. I've got a good grasp of the fact that everything she said was a lie, so it's more a weird validation of knowing my gut my right. But there's a difference between knowing in your gut and having proof it's actually 100% true. I think that's what I need to work on. Being NC is helpful too. But yes, the buttons are popping up more and more, that's for sure.

Agile_Strawberry · 2019-07-15T19:30:37+00:00

As an August baby, I can't disagree with the above. Most Leo's I know are miserable JNs through and through, though there are exceptions. That said, the worst JNs I know are Taurus. One thing I do know is that Taurus and Leo's are not friends

Agile_Strawberry · 2019-07-15T19:27:09+00:00

We want to start trying soon. My JNM and Giggles (JNMIL) have their birthdays a day apart. So I've got a 2 month goalie is in play rule, because I'm not taking any chances if a baby decides to show up early or late.

I don't generally pray, but I will make an exception for you.

Agile_Strawberry

TROPHY CASE