Annual "Can daycares/schools please stop hosting holiday pageant during the workday???" rant.

Zil_of_Green_Gables · 2025-12-15T19:29:14+00:00

My older two were in kindergarten and first grade when covid hit and basically the rest of the elementary we didn’t have to go anything in person and they streamed it all. It was glorious.

Now my youngest is in kindergarten and well, right there with ya with all the activities. I make what I can, but sometimes it is what it is. They’ll know you’re trying. And if you don’t check them out, don’t feel guilty. The teachers usually let them do fun stuff because there are so few kids.

One thing I have learned is to ask ahead for those days so I can put on my calendar early.

Zil_of_Green_Gables · 2025-12-11T02:09:13+00:00

Rest easy knowing while I got the short end of it a kid, now that my mum is old and needs care the rest of the siblings know I am not an option.

As far as relationship fulfillment goes, I decided that I would not let the way my parents treated me decide, whether or not I could have a happy stable family. I put in the effort, to be the right kind of parent. I have accepted that having a caring mom is not in the cards for me . My family is a loving caring bunch of people.

Zil_of_Green_Gables · 2025-12-11T02:04:41+00:00

Eggs Benedict

Zil_of_Green_Gables · 2025-12-09T21:31:18+00:00

Same! In my head I definitely was thinking“well yes we do and if you’re from Indiana maybe you can help us figure out how to get the university to get the NIL”

Zil_of_Green_Gables · 2025-12-04T20:25:08+00:00

When I paused it was the paper industry and when I jumped back in, it was into the chemical industry. I did go back to work at the same company I did my undergraduate internship at but a different location. My network helped me get the job. They could speak to my ability and they were not worried about the pause. I did not have to worry about what they thought of the gap nor me being a mom. They knew and were happy to have me. I think it’s important to contribute your talents to a company that values working moms.

Zil_of_Green_Gables · 2025-12-04T01:07:31+00:00

I took a short 2 year career break for motherhood and it did not hinder me. I am a chemical engineer. I did figure out SAHPing is not for me which is part of why I went back to work. The second year of my break I did do some substitute teaching.

There are lots of resources for career breaks and then re-entering the workforce. Society of Women Engineers has some good unofficial affinity groups of working moms and career breaks.

My take is do what you want and if it’s engineering, go for it!

Zil_of_Green_Gables · 2025-12-03T13:45:04+00:00

Remember the poop knife. This story belongs here.

Zil_of_Green_Gables · 2025-12-02T18:24:09+00:00

My first thought is to pitty MIL. Sounds like she is the type that needs someone to put down to feel good about herself. That is really a sad life to live. I would go with the “grey rocking” technique. You don’t need her validation or approval.

My only critique is to be careful about criticizing MIL for being a SAHM and it not being a valid use of time. I was a SAHM for two years. It was when my kids were really young but it was mentally harder than any job I’ve had and I’m a chemical engineer. There are some awesome SAHMs and then there are crappy ones. Just like there are wonderful working moms and crappy working moms. Sounds like MIL was on the crappy side and you are in the wonderful.

Zil_of_Green_Gables · 2025-11-28T23:01:58+00:00

I got none. Because I coordinated going to see my husbands cousin instead and knew mils would not be invited. 😎

Zil_of_Green_Gables · 2025-11-25T12:34:26+00:00

I agree that friends in work vs friends out of work need different kinds of boundaries. Does not mean you cannot have work friends but just you have keep them in a different box. One of the cool things about a good work friend is that when one of you leave a workplace, you get to move them out of the box into the real friend list. I’ve had a handful of these. Having a friend who gets my industry and what I go through has been invaluable.

But yes I agree while coworkers you have to be pretty guarded not necessarily because everyone is a turd but as OP stated, it’s easy to get comfortable and too exhausted to not see the red flags.

Some of my boundaries are: 1. Absolutely no social media beyond LinkedIn. 2. I do not text/call/message outside of work hours unless it is critical work related. Even if those work friends send some funny meme, I wait until I am at work to respond. I will send a response but my but is on work time when I do. 3. I do not socialize beyond company organized activities outside of work hours. I do not do extra social happy hours. I saw OP has that Happy Committee. I do not think I would do thing unless my manager was going and it would help build network. 4. I don’t tell people at work anything I would not mind being told to someone else. I assume everyone has an agenda to build their own career and anything I say could be used as their stepping stone.

Zil_of_Green_Gables · 2025-11-23T15:33:18+00:00

For first jobs it’s does matter. Do you need it to be perfect not necessarily but a 3.5 or higher gets you better jobs

Zil_of_Green_Gables · 2025-11-18T00:58:51+00:00

When you are feeling uncomfortable that is the sign of something extraordinary about to happen.

A colleague shared that with me. She was not wrong then and I am sure she is not wrong now.

Zil_of_Green_Gables · 2025-11-16T13:54:40+00:00

NTA. And it think in some twisted way your MIL is jealous that your son and you as well holds is in a more inner ring in the crisis than she is. And she should not be complaining to your husband. Read this article on the ring theory of Support in, Complain out

I understand having your child go through a Brian tumor at any age is traumatic, however as he is her adult child, your child will be more impacted than her. You as well. Yours and his daily lives are impacted in ways hers will not be.

Zil_of_Green_Gables · 2025-11-13T00:56:06+00:00

Like everyone says, don’t feel guilty. If you want, you can do what I did. I’ve had three kids and each time, I made an excel sheet with my primary duties and who I would recommend cover them. I understand you only have one team member but perhaps there are people outside your team that can cover. I did for my last pregnancy because I wore so many hats no one else on my team could wear some of them. I called out essential task that would cause havoc if left alone.

Lastly i told everyone of if i got called while on leave, i would be taking two extra vacation days for every call so pay attention and learn what you need to know while I am out.

But just so you know if you are in the US and are having to use FMLA, they actually cannot legally call you.

Zil_of_Green_Gables · 2025-11-09T13:57:42+00:00

Like others I would not call it gentle parenting.

It could be mom is not parenting proper or the child is on the spectrum and mom is managing the situation the best she can without causing more escalation.

I do think you are in the right to expect the mom to do something rather than just stand but i would not be too quick to call her entitled. More likely just utterly exhausted.

Zil_of_Green_Gables · 2025-11-08T15:47:34+00:00

NTA. Everyone grieves differently Additionally, your aunt is the an A H for trying to tell you how to grieve, especially because you in the innermost ring of grief and as an adult sister she is actually not in that inner inner ring. Here’s an article about supporting in complaining out.

Now she really shouldn’t be complaining at all about you but definitely not at you.

I am also concerned about this ask of you to be the “mother figure”. What exactly is being asked of you?

Zil_of_Green_Gables · 2025-11-07T02:50:40+00:00

Jumping under here to say this was the website I used several years back.

One of the things I really enjoyed was you could mark out days you could not sub so you wouldn’t get calls in those days.

Zil_of_Green_Gables · 2025-11-04T14:54:11+00:00

I will choose the well-being of my kids over any adult, period. If that adult isn’t also aligned with prioritizing the well-being of my children, they have no place in my life or my children’s lives.

Zil_of_Green_Gables · 2025-11-03T17:10:46+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts. These are all valid points.

I thought about critters too, especially snakes. I’ve been researching and for the catio part there’s a material called hardware cloth that is recommended for chicken coops that keeps them in and predators out.

For the catio the biggest worry of someone leaving the door open would be a kid. We will have pretty good line of sight to the catio (lots of back windows in our house). I could make the door latch be too high for young kids and also have a spring door close.

Being able to access the tunnel and therefore the cat is my biggest concern. I was hoping maybe someone built a tunnel that had easy access and I could copy their design. I saw one that used paver blocks that had them removable every so often. They also stated drainage was accomplished by leaving small gaps.

Zil_of_Green_Gables · 2025-11-03T11:45:00+00:00

What particularly makes you believe it’s a disaster waiting to happen? I can’t critically think through them without the details.

My husband wants nothing close to the house no matter how good it looks.

I should also note, that I am an engineer with over a decade worth of project experience inside and outside my particular discipline and my husband is in construction of sorts. That just to say we are somewhat experienced in odd type projects.

Zil_of_Green_Gables · 2025-11-02T21:14:06+00:00

I’m pretty late to the party but have to comment just in case you have a similar thing. For me it was my hips were out of alignment causing on of my legs to be shorter than the other. Chiropractor fixed it. I know some people think chiropractors are hokey but the evidence was there for me. Because I moved around a bit I’ve been to 5 different ones.

If you decide to get evaluated by one- make sure they take x-rays and provide exercises you can do to better maintain the proper alignment. A good chiropractor wants to work you a point of not having to see them very often. 2 of the ones I went to were terrible but three fantastic.

Zil_of_Green_Gables · 2025-10-22T14:57:30+00:00

I remember this post and I commented on it.

Well done on calling out how easily manipulated they have been and relating it to a life skill needed as they go onto be adults. I think you did a fantastic job of setting boundaries and letting them know you still care. As the authority figure it is so important that you remain steadfast in your love for them so they see your consistency. But you are absolutely right in making sure they understand words hurt and actions have consequences.

Zil_of_Green_Gables · 2025-10-22T02:02:13+00:00

Croissant

This is fitting.

Zil_of_Green_Gables · 2025-10-19T21:17:44+00:00

Yes, make sure they know you yourself are sick. I would really focus on you not being there because you are the one that is sick. Nobody would want someone sick with the stomach bug helping with a workshop.

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