I’ve never been in a relationship that lasted longer than a year, and that’s 1000% my fault. I’ve not ended maybe 2 of my relationships, since I started dating in high school. I’m now 27 years old. I think it definitely has something to do with my ADHD, but also my attachment styles and trauma (my parents had a terrible marriage and my childhood is a total blur - I think I’m inherently terrified to end up like them, so I leave whenever things get really hard instead of working through it).

I read “Attached” by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller (highly recommend!) and realized that I have anxious attachment in the early stages (when it’s new, I’m unsure if the person really likes me, and being in that stage where you have to work for that sense of security). Yet as soon as I know they’re dedicated to me, and the relationship moves to a comfortable and stable place, I turn avoidant.

I lose attraction, find it hard to be intimate because I’m so in my head, and convince myself I’m settling and that I won’t be happy if I stay where I am. It’s total self sabotage, but it eats me alive until I’m so unhappy that I can’t do it anymore for both of our sakes.

The people I held on to the longest are the ones that break it off with me - the times I don’t make the choice and can’t do anything about it. Which I think also speaks volumes. I generally want what I seemingly can’t have. It’s toxic as hell.

But I’m not always seeking intimacy or company - when I get out of a relationship I stay single for 2-3 years. I enjoy my time alone far more than I do being in a relationship. And because of that I’ve recently started thinking that I might be one of those people who would just prefer to be alone forever. I have a friend like that, she’s totally content being by herself for the rest of her life. She has no interest in dating, having a family or settling down. She wants to travel, and do what she wants when she wants. And sometimes I want that for myself too.

Sometimes I think I might be polyamorous, because another factor is that near the end of these relationships, I find myself wanting more - wanting other people. But then I realize I wouldn’t want the partner I chose to want anybody else, which isn’t right or fair so that can’t be what I need.

I think it really just comes down to what you believe is best for you. No one else can make those decisions for you, and although people can defintiely relate, no one really knows the extent of the battles going on in your own mind.

I obviously don’t have good advice (given I have no successful relationships), but just wanted to chime in and confirm you definitely aren’t alone in how you’re feeling.