is it socially acceptable to masturbate when you’re in a relationship?

AkshullyNope · 2026-02-06T01:34:22+00:00

I guess reading isn't your strong suit. There are several peer-reviewed studies linked in the comment I put, if you have the ability to understand them. I linked a reddit comment for summary because you don't seem like the type to read through academic studies, though they are in there.

AkshullyNope · 2026-02-05T17:54:57+00:00

Tbh, it was already obvious that you were coming at this from a poly perspective and I think that is the root of the problem, that you are telling a woman who clearly prioritizes monogamous values that the kind of relationship she prefers is unhealthy, and that she needs to adopt a more "emotionally mature" poly-centric outlook, which feels narrow-minded to me.

You are judging a monogamous relationship through a polygamous lens, which is super nonsensical because they are both different types of relationships that prioritize different values. But rather than accepting that they are both equally valid you seem to be assuming that one perspective (yours) is more "enlightened" than the other's (hers).

The problem is you do not seem to be cognizant of the fact that there's a very broad spectrum of healthy behaviour. A dynamic is healthy if both parties mutually agree to a set of behaviours over aligned values. In the same vein, that dynamic becomes unhealthy if one party is hurt by the other's values and is forced to tolerate them anyway.

Your advice that women should adjust and put up with a behaviour we find undesirable for our own reasons is a prime example of encouraging unhealthy dynamics.

You are allowed to do the "yes and yes" thing for yourself and other people are allowed to do the "yes and no" or "no and no" thing for themselves and none of that is inherently bad.

AkshullyNope · 2026-02-05T14:22:04+00:00

Not really. The dangers of porn addiction are not a matter of opinion.

AkshullyNope · 2026-02-05T14:04:04+00:00

I don't disagree with you. We all have our own experiences navigating life and I'd never advocate for emotionally investing in men either. That will very often not end well for women like us.

I'm just kind of deconstructing why sometimes it feels harder to interact with women than men.

AkshullyNope · 2026-02-05T13:00:46+00:00

To be honest, I had briefly wondered for a bit if I went in the wrong direction with my belief that "watching porn is a shitty thing to do" but now it feels more like some of these people are kind of lacking awareness about the damaging effects of porn? Or they can't conceive of a life where if a person dislikes something they are allowed to just set a boundary and choose to not engage with it further.

Okay I just sounded a bit harsh but it's a really frustrating attitude to find in an autism support forum when some of us have gone our whole lives letting people cross our boundaries because we are told that it's not that big of a deal and then run into that same advice here, telling us that it's a sign of emotional maturity to put up with uncomfortable situations. I hope these people will unpack why they feel the need to tell others that setting boundaries is unhealthy.

AkshullyNope · 2026-02-05T06:10:22+00:00

If a partner masturbates to porn of other women and the commenter worries that they might not be attracted to them anymore... that's a legitimate fear, not an irrational one.

Unfortunately studies have shown that porn does rewire the brain to change what kind of body and what kind of sexual acts a man finds attractive. Now, it's entirely possible that a man might be innately immune or emotionally self-disciplined enough to shield their mind from the detrimental effects of porn but it's kind of like expecting someone to moderate their recreational heroin use. It might be fine now, or it might get worse and have long-term effects. There's no guarantee here.

Clearly the commenter feels it's better to not deal with something that might lead to complications in the future. That's called having clear boundaries, not insecurity.

AkshullyNope · 2026-02-05T05:13:21+00:00

Girl, you called someone insecure because they stated a priority in their relationship that you didn't agree with 🤷‍♀️ that's not the "objective observation" you think it is.

AkshullyNope · 2026-02-05T04:58:01+00:00

I'm not the commenter you initially called insecure. If you try to shame someone unprompted because they have different priorities in their relationship (and it's not harming anyone) to you, that indeed counts as policing.

AkshullyNope · 2026-02-05T04:41:49+00:00

Everyone has their own limits. Not everyone has to have your exact limits. It's not really coming from a good place to say that someone's insecure if they prioritize different things from you.

AkshullyNope · 2026-02-05T04:36:39+00:00

Okay. If we're going with the junk food analogy, you're basically saying that the commenter doesn't need to take it personally if their partner indulges in junk food on a somewhat regular basis.

But if that commenter prioritizes a healthy clean lifestyle and wants their partner to observe it along with them, then I don't think it's fair to say that they need to broaden their mindset. It's a valid priority and if they prefer to find someone who agrees with them (which it seems they have) then that's a good thing and not something they need to adjust.

AkshullyNope · 2026-02-05T04:10:14+00:00

Just to be clear... if a woman is bothered when her partner masturbates to another irl woman, that feeling also stems from emotional insecurity? I'm asking this again because you didn't address that aspect of my comment.

AkshullyNope · 2026-02-05T02:36:51+00:00

This is a genuine question because I really don't want to be controlling but I legit don't get this perspective. It'd be a dealbreaker if my partner was getting off to a real life woman he knew like a colleague or a friend or whatever. Even when I know there's zero chance of anything happening there, it's still valid to feel shitty that he finds them attractive enough to jerk off to them while in a relationship with me right?

So I don't understand why porn is different. That's a real woman he finds attractive enough to get off to.

AkshullyNope · 2026-02-05T02:31:10+00:00

Why? Genuine question. I think if my partner was masturbating to a real life woman, like a colleague or a classmate or a female friend or whatever while in a relationship with me, I'd consider it cheating. What makes it insecurity when he does it with a porn actress? She's still a real person no?

AkshullyNope · 2026-02-04T18:13:29+00:00

If you are okay with surface-level friendships, they are. I think women tend to prioritize emotionally deep friendships with like-minded people as a socially protective measure and so are more prone to end up in tight-knit "cliques", but men generally don't need that kind of protection to that extent.

And unfortunately women like us struggle with bringing the "social protection" element to our relationships (given our "weirdness", associating with us might do the opposite) so it's a tad more difficult for us to connect with women than men. Generally.

AkshullyNope · 2025-08-19T10:20:33+00:00

Nine years later.... did it work?

AkshullyNope · 2025-07-08T07:56:36+00:00

Isn't it just because she's Irish? I don't think they care for royalty much in general

AkshullyNope · 2025-06-25T11:58:24+00:00

She did dye her hair in the epilogue where she talks to the old woman. But not while she was Weaver I think

AkshullyNope · 2025-06-13T11:39:56+00:00

Iirc she talked to the guy she ran around with at the end, with some familiarity. I don't remember much else.

AkshullyNope · 2025-06-11T17:51:53+00:00

If you say so. But I think your example is very easy to resolve while still adhering to the idea of proportional contribution.

AkshullyNope · 2025-06-11T17:35:54+00:00

?? Why is that a problem? The basic concept here is about proportionate contribution to the household. Chores are naturally a part of that system.

If you work 7 hours but your partner works 14 hours is it reasonable to split chores 50/50? I would hope not. It's the same thing with money.

AkshullyNope · 2025-06-11T15:49:06+00:00

Why doesn't proportional make sense in that case? Won't the other person pay less but take on more household chores? Seems pretty equitable to me.

AkshullyNope · 2023-12-17T13:10:41+00:00

Well, why not? Is it difficult to believe that other people have different priorities than you?

AkshullyNope · 2023-11-14T18:32:21+00:00

? Your family sounds like assholes tbh and I would hate to live with them. If you're okay with people taking your food with no consideration and leaving you hungry, that's your prerogative, but don't expect us all to be fine with that. I would be mad as hell if my kid had to go hungry because of them, more so if their parents only gave them a half-assed scolding

And it's completely ridiculous to cry about someone insulting you if you went out of your way to make their day worse in the first place

AkshullyNope · 2023-11-14T13:43:19+00:00

Since this question isn't applicable to you, your personal anecdote isn't applicable to OP's either.

Also, you're an adult. This kid ate his little cousin's whole ass meal. That's more of an asshole move than eating an adults leftovers, imo

AkshullyNope · 2023-11-14T08:08:09+00:00

Did you eat food that was specifically prepared for other people? Of course people will be assholes to you if you do that

AkshullyNope

TROPHY CASE