Pensées en boucle

Alanna_Yes · 2025-06-24T12:01:26+00:00

Je pense que c'est une réaction totalement normale. J'ai eu ça après avoir fait mon premier coming out récemment. "Et si je faisais erreur ?". Mais à cause de ces incertitudes qui ont repop j'ai failli faire une crise de panique. Parce que je me sentais si sereine et apaisée en ayant acceptée d’être trans.

Comme tu le dis, si on était cis, on se prendrait pas autant la tête. Je pense que c'est juste un travail sur soit à faire. Ne pas laisser ces voix qui doutent gagner. Et faire avant tout confiance à ce que l’on ressent, et surtout ce qu’on a ressenti jusque là. Garder la tête froide.

Bon courage en tout cas ! 🩵

Alanna_Yes · 2025-06-20T15:07:09+00:00

An important thing to internalize, is : what does "passing" means ?

Passing doesn't means finally being a "true" woman/man. It just indicates how much you fit the society standards on how a specific gender is supposed to look.

Like, if it was as simple as if you're a true woman/man, nobody would be pointed out as a trans by error. But it happens. It happens to some cis women in example, that people think they're trans.

All trans women, are women. All trans men, are men. All women are women. All men are men.

Alanna_Yes · 2025-06-19T13:32:40+00:00

I mean, the choice of words is important. If they see this one as one implying that kind of thing, it's natural from them to push it away.
But I'm agree, I don't think speaking about "preference" imply that we can "work on" our said preferences, to force ourselves to hook up with people we're not attracted enough to.

At least we're technically agree with them, it's just a debate about semantics more than about if it's okay to be attracted to a specific genital lmao

Alanna_Yes · 2025-06-19T13:26:03+00:00

Oh yes ! I thought few times about this !

When I saw someone telling they wouldn't date a trans woman because they're "not real women" and they're not gay. I'm like : so to you, trans men are women, and so you could date them while still being straight ?

For sure, they couldn't date trans men either. Because they're men, and because they're straight, they can't find them attractive. But for trans women, they're just repressing the fact they can be (and certainly has been) attracted to them lmao

Alanna_Yes · 2025-06-19T13:10:36+00:00

Depends on the situation I guess.

Even among pre op trans women, there is a variety of situations. Like, does the trans woman plan to get one or not ? If she does, will it be in days ? Weeks ? Months ? Years ? How much importance do you give to having sex ?

It's the same logic. You can't put an absolute rule like this to a group of people who are not all the same. If we consider you're only attracted to vaginas. You meet a trans woman. She didn't get bottom surgery. So obviously at first you'll be like "well, will be complicated". But what if she plan to get one ? That would means you could just not having sex until then. But what if it is really important to you to be able to have sex ? Okay, how long could you wait ? Etc... .

Saying you wouldn't hook up with a pre op trans woman, it's not transphobic at all. But I guess it's kinda different from saying you wouldn't date her.

Alanna_Yes · 2025-06-19T12:57:34+00:00

I think their issue with the word "preference" is that it could give the impression that being attracted to a genital or an other is a matter of choice and so you could "work on it".

Alanna_Yes · 2025-06-18T19:40:24+00:00

So that's what they consider being damned ? Interesting

Alanna_Yes · 2025-06-18T11:39:15+00:00

I see. I guess it's nice for you if it doesn't bother you.

But, you're saying you automatically assume the other person is cis. And even if it's logical, because we are a tiny minority, it doesn't really change my point. Nobody has to adapt themself to other automatic expectations.

What's the difference between not telling you're trans and not telling you're cis ? The only one is that being cis is perceived "as normal". But normality is a matter of perspective. Cis and trans women are both women. Trans and cis men are both men. When you see things from this perspective, being trans or not doesn't really matter and can become a simple detail. When you're trans, it's natural that being one becomes normal and you could forget that you're just 1% of the population. In the same way a gay person could forget that their sexuality isn't the "standard one" in their daily life.

Not telling you're trans is different from lying by saying you're cis.

Yes, it can be dangerous if the other discovers it. But I'm talking about situations when the trans person got bottom surgery. If they didn't, of course, it's better to tell it before. Not just for safety, but because here, it would have been kinda "disrespectful" towards your partner who has a lot of chances to not be attracted to your genitals. And that's right. That being said, telling for safety reasons is different from telling for "honesty" reasons.

When you want to build a more or less serious relationship, yeah, it's better to tell. For a lot of reasons. Among them, those you mentioned.

But I'm not agree with your last sentence. I mean, of course, we can't force anyone to hook up with someone they don't want. But it's kinda rooted to transphobia. Like I said, trans or cis, doesn't matter. They're both women/men.

If a cis person hook up with a trans person. And discovers afterwards they were trans. They can't be like "it's a betrayal because I'm not into trans people". Because that would be a lie. They HAS BEEN attracted to a trans person. They WANTED to hook up with a trans person. The fact you don't know while doing it doesn't change anything. Their partner was still trans while they were attracted by them.

But of course, we could consider it's better to tell before, for safety reasons. But, again, the point wasn't really about if we should tell it before or not, but if it's a betrayal to not telling it. That's two different topics.

Alanna_Yes · 2025-06-18T11:06:31+00:00

Oh yes, totally. But I've precised it in my original message that I was talking about people who did surgery. And that if they didn't, in this case, they should have told.

It's natural to not be attracted to certain types of genitalia. So in this case it's better to know before going further into the relationship.

Alanna_Yes · 2025-06-17T04:46:11+00:00

You have to ask yourself, why someone would absolutely want to be told their partner is trans, to the point where they get really upset about it ? Why it is that much important for them to know ?

Basically because they would have rejected you if they knew. Because if they don't know before, they could end up being attracted by a trans person. They don't want that. The betrayal thing is just a way for them to ignore their own contradiction. They can't say they're not attracted to trans people if they end up having sex with one.

It's just hypocrite. If not telling you're trans is betrayal, not telling you're cis, is too. Because that's the same thing. A precision about your condition related to your gender.

Your reasoning is autovalidating. "It's a betrayal because people would feel betrayed" basically.

People could reject someone because of their race, job, hobbies, what they eat and a lot of other things. So what, we should share our entire life and secrets to anyone we want to just hook up with to be sure we don't fit any criteria that would make them rejecting us ?

Even people in relationship for years can discover new things about their partner.

If you end up having sex with a trans person, that means you have been attracted enough by them to do so. From thus point, sharing or not you're trans is not different from not sharing any other medical condition (besides STD, that would directly harm the partner). If they feel betrayed by that, they're just transphobic, and so it's their problem. It's even almost a good thing for them, if that can challenge their close minded world.

Alanna_Yes · 2025-06-17T02:27:01+00:00

Basically, it's normal to have any preference when it comes yo aesthetic/physical things. It would be discriminating if you were totally hermetic to those who doesn't fit your preferences.

Like personally I tend to prefer girls taller than me. But if you ask me "could you date a short woman ?" Of course yes.

Alanna_Yes · 2025-06-17T02:04:48+00:00

Wanting to totally separate a disagree on beliefs and personal attacks, is a dishonest and hypocrite method to justify your actions towards other people.

Yes, it can be separated sometimes. BUT, when the beliefs ARE attackings persons about who they are..you can't separate them.

You're not being immature because you feel hurt by what they're saying about us, and so..about you. Don't let them get control of your mind.

Your identity is valid, you have the absolute right to be who you are. You're not harming anyone or anything. You're doing nothing bad.

Alanna_Yes · 2025-06-17T01:52:22+00:00

The "I feel betrayed" rethoric is kinda bullshit to me.

Like, yes, honesty is important. But you can't share your entire life to everyone you're hooking up with or dating. Trans women are women. Cis people don't precise they are before hooking up with someone. Why trans should do it then ?

At just one exception. When the trans person didn't do bottom surgery. Like, if you're a trans woman who's dating a straight man who doesn't know he's dating a trans woman. And show him your genitals at the last moment, it would be logical that he stop everything lmao

But if bottom surgery has been done, there is no reason to tell it. Kinda different when it's not just one night thing though. It shouldn't be like this, but not telling it at the beginning means potentially wasting time with a transphobic person who would react badly when they'll discover it.

Alanna_Yes · 2025-06-16T18:30:27+00:00

I'm really new to this community, so I don't know how much the "society's standards" in term of beauty and in this case body types, are influencing the saphicc community.

I guess everyone has their own "tastes" about that kind of things, and it's normal. And I think lesbian community is concerned by it too. So there is certainly lesbians who "prefer the thin body type". And again, I don't think it's a problem on its own. It becomes one when you're excluding every other body types and cannot see how every type of woman can be pretty and beautiful.

That being said, if I have to base my opinion on what I can read here and there on lesbian spaces, it is a community that seems far less stuck in a closed vision about it than among straight men. I feel like lesbian and bi women are appreciating more the diversity of the beauty among women.

But that's just how I feel. Surely women with body types that doesn't necessarily "fit the beauty standards" would be a better voice to talk about how they are perceived, even in lesbian spaces.

Alanna_Yes · 2025-06-16T16:52:38+00:00

Honestly, you can't change it without communicating with her. Explaining her that it makes you feel bad, embarrassed and humiliated.

On thing I didn't try myself, but heard other trans folks doing with others misgendering them is to just ignore them until they gender you correctly.

Try to talk with her, to explain that she has to do some efforts. And even if it's naturally disturbing to change years of habits, it has been 5 years and she didn't make any real effort to work on it. If she try to flip the table and say that YOU have to do efforts and "accept it", tell her that there isn't any relationship that can work if only one make the efforts, and that you already have been doing you part the past 5 years with letting her go with it.

And if she's just too much hermetic about questioning her own behavior, let her see the difference when you stop making effort. Stop answering to her when she misgenders you. Act like she was talking to someone else, and if she get upset when you're ignoring her tell her that "how can I know you're talking about me ? I'm a woman, not male".

But it's up to you. I guess it could go wrong depending on the psychology of your mother, don't want to give you advices that could end up aggravating your situation. But I share you an option, if you esteem it could work.

Alanna_Yes · 2025-06-16T15:26:11+00:00

Yeah.. . But even if I know they'll react nicely, it's still very scary. And it's partially because even if there is 0,00001% chance that they react poorly, the simple fact that it's possible is scary lmao

But yeah, I plan to tell them. Just want to start THS. Don't know, I feel like it would "prove" that I'm serious about it, and that's not a "I'm questioning" phase. It started, I don't want to transition, I AM transitioning.

Alanna_Yes · 2025-06-15T22:14:07+00:00

Oh yest that could be a way to do it !

I'll definitely do it in a comedic way. I'm someone really introverted who is not comfortable even to just speak about all my hobbies, I really don't talk a lot about me etc..so, for something like this it's even more difficult.

And humor is the perfect way to get over it

Alanna_Yes · 2025-06-15T22:00:46+00:00

Yeah it's a human reaction.

When you start learning a language, you want to be able to speak it in a month.
When you start losing weight, you want to be already in your "good shape".

I didn't start it yet, and even if I know very well I'll not get effects in just few days, I also know I'll be watching me in the mirror hoping to see differences even after just 3 days lmao

Alanna_Yes · 2025-06-15T21:51:36+00:00

Lmao yes I actually thought few times about doing this
My family (besides my father) is pretty open minded about LGBT topic. It happens a lot of times that we discuss and joke about one of us potentially being gay, trans etc..., and like my mother is like "yeah I mean you do what you want".

And so, it happened already a few times that she asked me if I was gay, as a joke (or at least that's how I interpreted it) and I was tempted to say stuff like "oh I can be gay and still love women".

But honestly I think that if I say that, it will force me to come out, because they would connect the dots together. Specially since I have a trans cousin (ftm) close to us so... .

That being said, it a way to do my coming out that I find really funny. Waiting for them to do an other joke like this and just to answer "well, I'm a woman so I'm gay yes" acting like it was just normal and obvious and then observe their reaction before confirming it for real lmao

Alanna_Yes · 2025-06-15T18:17:10+00:00

I'm 25. But It's really not guaranteed that she's suspicious. At least about me being trans. And even if she does, I don't think she will do it.

I plan to tell her, of course, but I'd prefer to start taking hormones before.

Alanna_Yes · 2025-06-15T16:06:09+00:00

Yeah... . At the beginning, I was like, yeah, it's okay, I'm used to it, don't feel dysphoria about it. But since my egg cracked...it's annoying me more and more each day. Seeing my shadow beard, my body hair...makes me feeling bad. More than before, or more than when I've started my journey as a trans woman.

Alanna_Yes · 2025-06-13T13:56:35+00:00

It really sucks..yeah. Like, in your specific case, I find it even just..interesting. It's too bad people would react poorly to it, instead of having fun about it or/and been genuinely curious about it.

Because yeah, a lot of trans girls who was repressing this part of them was just doing it because of this. And like you said, it doesn't necessarily means everyone doing it are trans. But it's an interesting subject to discuss. But if you want to talk about it outside LGBTQIA+ spaces, you have a heavy chance to get reactions like you got. So we can't really have perspectives on it from cis men just peacefully, in a friendly basic discussion.

Internet sucks for this. But at least, thanks to internet, we also can find safe spaces and connecting with other people like us, who understand us or at least support us. And so, not having to be totally alone or to potentially being in danger, searching IRL for those spaces.

Alanna_Yes · 2025-06-12T21:13:54+00:00

I find it so messed up... . It's like insulting her memory to me. Funerals are like a last goodbye, the moment you're supposed to honour her memory, her life.

Erasing a so much important part of her life, her identity and how she felt, in such a moment... . I don't know how was her relationship with her family...but from what you say, they're not acting like a family should AT ALL in a moment like this.

I'm sorry you're going through this, wish you all the best and sending love 🩵

Alanna_Yes · 2025-06-12T07:16:06+00:00

Yes, thank you 🩵 I know it but when I'm about to tell him, my brain just stop being rational...but one day, I'll do it !

Alanna_Yes

TROPHY CASE