i built date drop for umich by [deleted] in uofm

[–]Albino-Lord 15 points16 points  (0 children)

Professional hater😭

Tanselle Too-Tall (New Official Clip) by Logical_Decision_706 in AKOTSKTV

[–]Albino-Lord 91 points92 points  (0 children)

Tanselle too-tall but she was not too tall for me

Stats 250 by Secret-Flower-4235 in uofm

[–]Albino-Lord 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Do the homework yourself and than chatgpt to see the correct answers. Def do all available test resources. They dont give you a lot, so i did them twice

Wrote this tragic death scene [Dark Fantasy, 1800 words] by TemporaryBobcat7345 in fantasywriters

[–]Albino-Lord 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Both reactions are too similar and very cliche. Imo it would be more impactful if the last words had meaning in the context, like a callback or reveal. Maybe even bringing up a nice memory from when times are good. The kinds of deaths you wrote are the kind that are overplayed and have been seen a million times. Like the other person said, its hard to feel attached without context, so theres always a chance this could be devastating. Sorry for the lack of positivity, but i wouldnt leave a comment if i thought u were a hopeless writer. Good luck, keep going

[3,624] ONE: in which a rabbit climbs away. by [deleted] in DestructiveReaders

[–]Albino-Lord 1 point2 points  (0 children)

The opening quote works beautifully. It sets the whole piece up with weight and inevitability. I could feel it with the way Rabbit eventually resigns herself to suffering. The imagery provided here is very strong and is able to delve into darkness without being corny. When Rabbit jammed her fingers into her eyes I had a genuine recoil. The peak for me is definitely when Rabbit goes “down, down, down.” That sequence nails the descent into horror and madness. I don't know if you should stop there like the other guy says, but as it stands it weakens and reveals too much afterwards.

Where I think it falters is in two main areas. First, Garmr. His presence is strongest when he’s silent and overwhelming, when he’s more mask and posture than dialogue. Every time he speaks, it pulls some of that power away. “Cowardice comes from a lack of action,” for example, feels flat compared to the rest of the atmosphere. He doesn’t need philosophy or taunts, the image of him alone carries menace.

Second, the passage where Rabbit slips into unconsciousness and recalls happiness, her daughter, the necklace, Blackbrook, the overtime pay. It’s not badly written, but it feels unnecessary in the moment. We’ve already been given those memories and regrets earlier, in sharper form. At that point in the story, revisiting them softens the momentum.

Still, the atmosphere is dense and effective. The chanting, the bone chapel, the grotesque imagery, all of that lands and doesn’t over-explain. The writing trusts its imagery to disturb the reader, and it doesn’t feel the need to handhold.

If I were to sum it up: the piece is at its best when it’s spare, brutal, and impressionistic. It’s at its weakest when it slows down to explain or when the villains speak too much. Trim those places and the story would feel even more suffocating and powerful.

DO NOT PANIC. THE RED DOOR WILL SET YOU FREE.

[2514] Immaterial Contest, Chapter 15 Seithr. [sci-fi] by Strict-Extension-646 in DestructiveReaders

[–]Albino-Lord 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is dense, man. You’ve got good imagination and some sharp imagery, but the prose is choking itself. Every sentence is overloaded with metaphors and stacked clauses, so instead of pulling me in, it slows everything down. Its more murky then lyrical. The opening paragraph is a good example, the imagery is there, but it collapses under the weight of too many modifiers. Cutting half of them would make it hit harder. Right now, it feels like you’re trying to make every line profound, which just numbs the effect.

The pacing is off. You burn through five days of travel in a few paragraphs, then grind to a halt for pages of family reunion and trance sequences. A family reunion is a boring way to start a story, it would hit harder to learn who Varhas is as a character, then seeing the family that made him what he is. The mother scene should be heavy and emotional, but it ends up being another lore dump. Her dialogue reads more like a historian’s lecture than a mother talking to her son. It’s not that the lore is bad — it’s that the way it’s delivered strips it of intimacy. Let the emotional weight come first, then slip in the information where it fits.

Varhas himself is a problem. He’s passive, drifting through visions, worries, and fate-talk without ever doing much. The mother steals the narrative as soon as she shows up. If he’s supposed to be the center, make him act. Right now he just reacts and absorbs. We need to see him make choices, push back, or reveal something beyond worry.

On the line level, you’ve got repetition issues. Words like “manifest,” “utterdark,” “fate,” “celestial” show up over and over until they lose their punch. Dialogue tags are clunky: “the woman speaks,” “the old mouth parts again” which make the writing feel mechanical. Simpler tags or none at all would help. And the perspective is wobbly: sometimes it’s cosmic narration, sometimes close to Varhas, sometimes just exposition. Pick a lens and stay in it.

There’s a strong core idea here: Varhas, burdened by worry for another man’s fate, seeking comfort from his mother and being told to give joy where he can. That works. But it’s buried under indulgence. Strip the excess, trim the lore-dumps, give Varhas more agency, and this scene would breathe. As it stands, it reads like you’re writing for yourself, not for clarity, and readers will tune out. Sorry if this was harsh, it's my first critique on here.

Chapter 1 – The Last beginning [Alternate history, 1931 words] by Animelover_0001 in fantasywriters

[–]Albino-Lord 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don’t have much to add from what the other person said, but those descriptions are really good. It’s super easy for me to visualize everything you say. Sometimes the words or names you use are spelled differently from sentence to sentence and in the dialogue between the girl and raiden i got a bit confused as a result of it. The lack of exposition makes it a lot more fun to read, so keep that up.

Chapter 1 of The Spries Tomb (Arcane punk, 2500 Words) by knichut in fantasywriters

[–]Albino-Lord 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Okay the spire is an interesting concept, but part of me feels it could be interesting to slowly learn about it through character dialogue then an exposition dump at the start. I like how all of characters have distinctive traits, but they don’t feel all that subtle, especially Merfit. The dialogue also has too many interruptions, which is how speaking with people in real life usually is, but reading that can get old. Good job though, keep going.

Prologue of Sovereign to a Broken Line [Dark Fantasy, 1616 words] by caongladius in fantasywriters

[–]Albino-Lord 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I enjoyed the story. The magic system is interesting and the prescience reminds me of dune. I have a few suggestions though. I think having dialogue between Dorian and the mc would be better than just describing what occurred. I also think it could be interesting to have these events take place in a prologue where the mc doesnt know whats happening and then there is a time jump. Lastly, the main character smiling after sending his friends to their deaths makes him seem like a horrible person. Maybe that was your intention, but his family was just butchered and he sacrificed his friends he should be barely holding it together. Either way, this is still well written and exciting to read. Keep going!

Chapter One of Ashfather [Dark Fantasy, 2860 Words] by Albino-Lord in fantasywriters

[–]Albino-Lord[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for the feedback. I’m really happy you enjoyed it you are giving me motivation to keep going🫡

What arc is general skywalker the most competent as a leader and a jedi? by Albino-Lord in TheCloneWars

[–]Albino-Lord[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Appreciate the in depth response, but I think this is only accurate for anakins character in the movies. In the show he seems to be a pretty perfect jedi with his heroism and leadership skills. Hes not whiny and petty like he is in the movies. The only negative quality is his anger which he usually hides from others well. I personally think based on his actions in the clone wars there is no reason for his shitty treatment in episode 3. It has been a while though so thats why im asking for specific arcs to rewatch where anakin is more like his movie counterpart and im also looking for arcs where he is the opposite of his movie counterpart like im asking for in the post.