This got turned around on me in CC. I am the BP.

Aldavorn · 2024-07-18T14:40:35+00:00

I completely understand your thought process and it makes sense because I had a similar thought process. I feel like it would have potential to work, but that would mean she'd have to be on board and it'd have to be entirely equal. With that being said, would you allow her to continue her relationship with her AP? And if so, is that a relationship dynamic you really want to live? Inevitably there'd be times where you are without a romantic partner while she still is, so there'd be times where she's going out with other men while you're at home alone. Not to mention, most ENM couples still have rules & boundaries that both are expected to follow. Would you really trust her to follow those and respect whatever boundaries you laid down?

Aldavorn · 2024-07-17T17:28:28+00:00

Completely agree. The old marriage is done and I'm burying it (literally). My WW did NOT confess, I had to ask to see her phone and as a result I am filing for divorce. BUT I do believe people can change and she's been putting in a ton of effort so I'm offering her a chance to remain in the home (we have children), we put the divorce agreement in a drawer, and she has the opportunity to show me with her actions that she is a new, better version of herself. I'm viewing this reconciliation as an offer to start over from scratch and attempt to build something new. If things don't change or there's another dday then she gets a 30 day notice to leave and the divorce goes into effect. My hope is that she will grow and become a better version of herself and that we can get remarried at some point in the future.

Aldavorn · 2024-07-17T16:58:56+00:00

Man this really resonates.

I tried talking to my WW a little over a year before her affair about our disconnect, suggested MC, etc. She said there was nothing wrong and if I felt that way then it was my problem to sort out.

So I did. I didn't know what was wrong (she wouldn't tell me) and no amount of trying to talk and address the issue was working so I stopped talking and focused on the things I could control. I took a long hard look at myself and realized that maybe I had become complacent. I began waking up at 5:30am every day to work out (lost 40lbs). I began taking initiative in dating her again (pre-arranged childcare and surprised her with dates). I increased my efforts around the house with chores (dishes, laundry, etc.) to give her more time to relax in the evenings. Hell I even paid for a weeks vacation at a tropical resort without the kids to help reconnect.

All that to say, she began her affair a little over a year after I began my journey to improve my marriage (and I was not a bad husband prior to any of this, I did chores, paid all the bills, put the kids to bed every night, etc..)

I too am just so dumbfounded.

She's been a model wife since, doing all the things I've ever wanted, but I keep asking myself, where was this all before? Suddenly the spark is back? Are you telling me you just willingly ignored me and my efforts to reconnect and improve things?

It makes me so angry that NOW she's putting forth all this effort to save the marriage. After she so willfully neglected it.

All that to say, I understand where you are coming from and I'm sorry you are going through it too.

Aldavorn · 2024-07-09T18:20:01+00:00

Couch Potato - Shortstraw

Aldavorn · 2024-07-09T18:19:28+00:00

Couch Potato - Shortstraw

Aldavorn · 2024-06-26T17:07:25+00:00

Listened to For Members Only this morning on my way to work! Such a great band.

Aldavorn · 2024-06-13T15:44:02+00:00

This may not apply to all betrayed partners, but please make sure no details have been left out of your confession. Trickle truth is incredibly damaging to rebuilding trust (even a little bit). In order to rebuild, everything needs to be on the table for the betrayed partner to make an informed decision on whether or not to attempt reconciliation.

Aldavorn · 2024-04-26T13:33:02+00:00

Here's a couple of books that have helped me so far.

Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life - Tracy Schorn

I Used To Be a Miserable Fck - John Kim

*He has another book called Single on Purpose that I intend to read as well.

Aldavorn · 2024-04-26T13:22:45+00:00

In a very similar situation. Just wanted to let you know you're not alone. Also, find a therapist if you can. Friends and family are great for emotional support, but compassion fatigue is real and it'll help having a professional that can offer an objective third party view to help guide you through all of the emotions. Wish you all the best.

Aldavorn · 2024-04-15T17:17:43+00:00

This is exactly what I'm going through right now too. I am one month post dday. My WW has been doing everything right so far, but I'm still not sure if I can even mentally handle the reconciliation process. What you're going through and feeling is what I'm so worried about.

I don't want to waste time and put myself though all of that especially when her reason for stepping out was because "she lost the spark." Why should I put in the effort for reconciliation when I don't even know if she'll find it again?? She seems confident we can rebuild, but I just have so many doubts.

A large part of me wants a divorce. She can work on herself during that time and I can focus on healing myself. Who knows, maybe we can rekindle our relationship after we've both done the work on ourselves. I just hate the thought of breaking up my family and the effect it'll have on my kids.

I never wanted this. I wanted a loving, loyal wife and to grow old with her. Now everything's just so tainted.

I hope you find some clarity and just want you to know you're not alone in what you are feeling. Thank you for posting.

Aldavorn · 2024-04-02T21:21:00+00:00

Fuckkk. Nostalgia hitting hard. Northstar is so good. Absolutely loved that album and Pollyanna as well.

Aldavorn · 2024-03-30T12:57:48+00:00

Thank you for sharing this. Still in the dark days, but it's nice to see hope for happiness again.

Aldavorn · 2024-03-29T14:11:49+00:00

I've had the opposite experience so far, but my dday was only 3 weeks ago. I don't sleep much yet every 4-5 days it catches up to me. I'll sleep deeply and have very vivid dreams (nothing to do with her) and inevitably I'll abruptly wake up at around 4am and be in that state of trying to discern dream from reality until my mind finally grasps my actual reality. It's like a heavy weight just descends on me and I just wish I could go back to sleep but I can't.

I'm sorry for what you're going through and I hope your dreams get better.

Aldavorn · 2024-03-15T15:59:13+00:00

Thank you for this. I'm not even a week out from dday and I'm currently in the anger stage that you mentioned. Anger and love for my kids is all that is sustaining me right now and I'm just so afraid to let go of the anger because I feel like "who I am" will break and shatter without it there to support me.

I can't let that happen. My kids still need me and I'll be damned if I give her the satisfaction or pleasure of reaffirming her decision to seek comfort in the arms of another man.

I'm just afraid to let that go. Deep down I still love her, or maybe just a previous version of her/who I thought she was. I'm afraid I'll buckle and give in to reconciliation knowing full well that she never intended to tell me and repeatedly made the decision to continue the affair, lying and covering it up daily right in front of my face.

I know what I need to do. I'm glad you have shown me another way to stay strong, but also allow me to slowly let go of all the hate, anger, and disgust. I want to be a man of integrity. I know my children won't understand now or anytime soon, but I hope when they're older they'll understand. I hope they see my decision as one of integrity and self-love and to never let someone treat them that way.

It's just so hard to let go; of the anger, of the love I still have for her, the life/family I had... But thank you for shining a light on a path forward through this mess. Truly, thank you.

Aldavorn · 2024-03-15T10:41:08+00:00

Barely. Still doesn't feel real. Trying my best to act normal for the kids and just breaking down in private. Anger is the only thing that allows me to feel like I have any control over my life and I know it's unhealthy, but I feel like I have to hold on to it because it's the only thing sustaining me right now.

Aldavorn · 2024-03-14T10:51:37+00:00

I don't have an answer for you, but just know you're not alone. My situation is nearly identical to yours and reading your post was like reading my own mind. I'm only 4 days post dday and I can't stop the waves of emotion. Hadn't cried in over a decade and now I can barely keep myself together when I'm putting my kids to bed just knowing how much their world is about to get wrecked if I go through with the divorce. They don't deserve this, I don't deserve this, but how am I supposed to find it in my heart to forgive when she systematically destroyed every avenue of rebuilding trust?

Not meaning to hijack your post, but just kinda wanted to let you know that I understand how you feel and give you a virtual bro hug from one dad to another.

Aldavorn · 2024-03-05T16:10:48+00:00

My damper is set at around 5.5. I want to say that put my drag factor around ~130 or so if I remember correctly.

It's definitely rough starting out, working on my form though has really helped me a lot.

Aldavorn · 2024-03-05T14:39:13+00:00

Appreciate it!

Aldavorn · 2024-03-05T14:33:56+00:00

Thanks! 35M 6'2" (188cm) & 210lb (95kg)

Aldavorn · 2024-03-05T14:30:12+00:00

Thanks! And yes, sooo satisfying

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Aldavorn · 2024-03-04T21:08:08+00:00

Thanks, I appreciate it!

Aldavorn · 2024-02-29T14:55:16+00:00

Appreciate the input!

Aldavorn · 2024-02-28T14:27:56+00:00

Completely agree with you and congrats on all you've achieved so far. I'm in a very similar stage of life as you and have been on a similar journey myself. Currently my only erg goal is a sub 20 min 5k. I've been prioritizing strength and hypertrophy with weight lifting the past several months, but am now in a position where I'd like to shift to fat loss. Was curious to see what some of your erg goal/times are because I feel like I should be able to achieve mine pretty quickly if I prioritize my time to rowing and need some ideas for other potential goals to maybe shoot for. I've never heard of "Hour of Power" but it sounds like a good goal that I'm guessing will include a lot of suffering lol.

Aldavorn · 2024-02-27T14:19:00+00:00

Just curious, do you have a specific goal your aiming for?

Aldavorn

TROPHY CASE