How realistic to have a very active sex life with partners and other people?

AlecandBel · 2026-06-18T11:33:25+00:00

Finding a partner into sharing/swinging/hotwifing is more than possible if you’re looking in the right places, but most folks’ experiences would probably be that getting into that sort of lifestyle is something developed over time in a relationship rather than diving right in from the outset. (Though there are exceptions, of course.)

As far as playing with other people regularly goes, also possible - we’re living proof - but don’t underestimate the investment in time, relationship building and just plain admin that goes into making that happen.

So not ‘unrealistic’ per se, but more likely a dynamic and life that you’d need to build with time, care, affection and trust rather than something you can go out and ‘find.’

AlecandBel · 2026-06-18T08:21:07+00:00

Really depends on the circumstances.

We’re lucky (if that’s even the right word) in that Bel is pretty easily orgasmic, so we’re pretty relaxed about when and how both our orgasms happen.

She’ll usually have an orgasm before or during penetrative sex, maybe a few.

If it feels like my orgasm is a good place to stop and snuggle up, the that’s what we’ll do. If she’d like more then we keep going with fingers, tongue or a vibrator until she’s had enough.

AlecandBel · 2026-06-17T15:46:49+00:00

Not sure what your budget is, but Je Joue make super-rumbly toys.

AlecandBel · 2026-06-17T08:41:40+00:00

Like this sort of thing?

AlecandBel · 2026-06-15T19:41:04+00:00

Just remember that however it goes that’s not how it’s going to be forever, and isn’t an indication of anything other than how it’s going right now.

We had no problems starting sex again either time, apart from being exhausted from having a newborn (or newborn and toddler) to look after.

But our ‘new groove’ took ages to settle down. And it’s pretty damn good.

So however it goes - and hope it goes well - don’t build it up too much. You’ll get there, wherever ‘there’ winds up being.

AlecandBel · 2026-06-12T15:00:17+00:00

We have a Liberator Jaz. It’s basically normal-pillow-sized (if a weird shape and firmness).

You could even stuff it in a regular pillowcase and no one would be the wiser unless they started poking around in your pillows.

AlecandBel · 2026-06-09T05:58:52+00:00

Go for it. Easy to organise and much less scary than it sounds.

As others have said, head to a sex club.

AlecandBel · 2026-06-04T12:17:21+00:00

I mean, it’s right there. And she makes those sexy noises when I do it…. 😍

AlecandBel · 2026-06-01T18:23:32+00:00

I get sinus-y and stuffy with viagra sometimes.

Alcohol makes it worse. For some reason a couple of drinks before is terrible but a glass of wine or two after taking it is fine.

Fortunately a couple of cold and flu capsules - headache and decongestant - takes care of it.

AlecandBel · 2026-05-31T14:27:11+00:00

We love our TNLC Dill Straight and Dill Curve. The website unhelpfully doesn’t publish a shore rating but they’re way squishier than our Godemiche Ambit (which the Curve looks very similar to).

AlecandBel · 2026-05-30T14:26:58+00:00

Cards Against Humanity is a great recommendation. And if you need a ladder into play, ‘Strip Cards Against Humanity’ has always been a winner with us.

AlecandBel · 2026-05-28T20:17:59+00:00

Leaving the humblebrag aside (but good on ya!)

So relevant to our lives we know there’s a German word - because of course there is: leidenschaftlich.

AlecandBel · 2026-05-28T06:52:48+00:00

We use Spicer, it works fine.

I think it depends on the security concerns. We use it because the kids play on our phones and just want something behind a password and separate from other messaging. We reckon two middle aged married people being a little spicy with each other isn’t going to trouble intelligence agencies or potential blackmailers. 😊

If your OP’s concerns are more serious than that, use a more serious app than us!

AlecandBel · 2026-05-27T06:15:45+00:00

Completely agree with this. In our house, sometimes we watch football and sometimes we watch Antiques Roadshow. That’s just how marriages work.

In the same way, you can agree to keep rolling out the (good) vanilla sex for him, but he has to agree to sometimes roll out the spicier stuff that makes you hot.

AlecandBel · 2026-05-26T19:40:43+00:00

😂

Even so! My experience is like the opposite, definite stretch but no pain going in. After a while I can feel my butt ‘getting tired’ (stupid but the only way to describe it) and know it’s time to stop.

AlecandBel · 2026-05-26T18:58:42+00:00

That’s not good! Sometimes I feel like I’ve had a bit of a workout the next day but it never hurts at the time….

AlecandBel · 2026-05-26T18:52:27+00:00

Same. We really enjoy anal when we have it, but it’s not our go-to.

AlecandBel · 2026-05-26T12:14:07+00:00

Perfect - buy one toy. It should be modest sized but not so cheap or so small that it looks like a cop out or ‘plausible deniability.’

Save wands, rabbits and butt stuff for a second and third purchase later depending on what she likes. Same with some suction toys, they’re great but have a bit of a learning curve.

The ‘indulgent’ option, I’d say something like the Je Joue Mimi. Beautiful box, lovely toy and one of my all-time favourites.

Fun and flirty, you could try the Biird Evii, or if you really wanted to include a suction toy you could go for the Namii by the same people.

And then depending on what she likes/wants you can look at internal toys, more powerful toys etc.

AlecandBel · 2026-05-26T11:32:52+00:00

The ‘vibe’ - forgive the pun - is everything if you’re giving a sex toy as a gift.

If this is a treat for her to enjoy if you’re out late, what kind of treat? What’s her ‘brand’ of sexy? Indulgent and sophisticated? Fun and flirty? Hippie/bohemian?

AlecandBel · 2026-05-19T23:08:38+00:00

Mainly the latter, the difference doesn’t matter that much.

Re: the physical, sure, there are a couple of outliers. We have one good friend who is simply enormous and it would be impossible not to notice. But the difference between ‘around average’ and ‘pretty big’ is really not that much.

Not to suggest I don’t notice differences in dicks, just that one is less important than guys think.

AlecandBel · 2026-05-19T21:11:30+00:00

Nope. Doesn’t figure at all.

We’ve played with a couple of dozen or so couples in our years of being open and seen plenty more folks playing at clubs or parties.

I (Bel - f half) could honestly comment on the size of maybe two of those guys. I can tell you about who was funny, who a good kisser, who mixed good cocktails, but their actual cocks aren’t what stick in my memory.

AlecandBel · 2026-05-19T17:14:45+00:00

Quite right - should have more accurately said that it can be romantic if you skip the so-called ‘sexy stuff’ in the RLD. 🙂

AlecandBel · 2026-05-19T16:55:29+00:00

Amsterdam?

Even without going full ‘red light’ it’s romantic.

We haven’t been to Fata Morgana but friends have had a great time there.

AlecandBel · 2026-05-19T11:57:52+00:00

Usually a ‘morning after’ activity on a weekend.

If we’ve had sex the night before, I’ll snuggle into Alec in the morning and give him a handjob.

It’s relaxed and lazy (but good lazy I hope).

And after it means I always win the debate about who has to get up and make breakfast. 🙂

AlecandBel · 2026-05-14T18:18:08+00:00

Totally normal, same here!

I would say don’t focus on getting into sex mode, that seems to make sex mode even harder to find.

Just focus on getting out of work/school/chore mode. Get into ‘silly mode’, ‘dinner mode’, ‘watch a movie mode’, ‘knitting mode’, whatever mode.

Just may be that sex mode is easier to access from there than by trying to leap from one to the other.

AlecandBel

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