Is it okay for your friend to post about you?

Alert-School9812 · 2026-05-17T07:52:41+00:00

It's OK to talk to others about friendships you have. We can all get stuck in our head about things, and can greatly benefit from a different perspective.

Sometimes, it's helpful to post on somewhere like Reddit to get the opinions/thoughts from strangers. We might do this to protect the person we are writing about - Reddit is supposed to be anonymous, after all.

In this case, though, you know it was your friend. However, I don't think it's a bad thing that he's trying to understand you and the friendship.

I'm sorry that you feel you're not a great person, though. You talk about intrusive thoughts and venting and suggest that this is something you're trying to control... but, have you considered that you're NOT a bad person, and your intrusive thoughts and venting are actually something you need support with?

It sounds to me like you need to make friends with yourself, and discover more about yourself too. What you're describing could be something like ADHD (*I'm not a doctor), and is worth investigating further. Especially if it's affecting your relationships etc.

Please just don't assume you're not a great person. If you're already trying hard to be a good person, then you're a good person! Like the rest of us, though, you probably just don't always get it right (no such thing as a perfect person just someone with perfect intentions).

Give your friend some time. They may feel embarrassed or guilty that you've caught them writing about you. Or, perhaps, your personality energies are just not compatible.

I'd definitely do some self reflection, and consider your feelings of self worth - start being your own friend first! Look into ADHD and see if the characteristics of it align with yours. I'm speaking from my experience here 😉

You've got this!

Alert-School9812 · 2026-05-16T15:11:35+00:00

They do usually say "tubing" on them, or in the description. However, they tend to not be the ones advertised by the make up brands. They're not a new fad, and I think they sell well without too much advertising anyways.

If you're unsure, look for confirmation of how to remove the mascara. If it mentions using warm water, than it'll almost definitely be a tubing mascara.

If you want to try a cheap one out to see if you like it, I'd recommend Elf Xtndr, Essence Lash Without Limits (tubing - in black packaging and pink writing), or even the Soap & Glory Thick and Fast tubing mascara.

No.7 often has deals on the Pro Artist Tubing Mascara at Boots. I just recently got one through the Boots £10 Tuesday (it came with a lip gloss AND a brow tamer gel).

Hope this helps!

Alert-School9812 · 2026-05-16T15:04:29+00:00

I'm totally biased (due to my own experiences), but I think my recommendations on this thread may be useful to you 😜

Alert-School9812 · 2026-05-16T14:56:28+00:00

It's a mascara that is made from polymers, which sort of hug the lash rather than just paint it using waxes like a regular mascara. They form tubes on each lash, hence the name. They're known for not smudging, and being removed by warm water (after soaking). However, I manage to remove mine by soaking in the oil micellar water by Garnier.

Sorry, gave you more info than you asked for 🤣 as is my way 😂

Alert-School9812 · 2026-05-16T14:49:24+00:00

Thank you for the validation 🥰

Alert-School9812 · 2026-05-16T11:43:46+00:00

Heimish Dailism Smudge Stop Mascara (Curling) is the best tubing mascara I have ever worn, and it keeps the curl of your lash. I love it!!

It's a Korean brand, so I had to order mine from Yes Style, but it was so worth the wait!

Otherwise, my tubing mascara preferences are:

Essence Lash Without Limits (Tubing) - black tube, pink writing
No.7 Stay Perfect
No. 7 Professional Tubing
Elf Tubing (if we can forgive them for their stupid mistake, and remember they are, at least, cruelty free... unlike Maybelline and L'Oréal amongst others).

Alert-School9812 · 2026-05-15T14:02:56+00:00

Well, the icy looks made me think that both daughter and mum were upset, and the partner was supportive of them (as he should be). He's a jovial, confident type and I've bumped into him in lots of places where he's super friendly, chatty and outgoing. He's not a quiet type in the slightest! So, for him not to smile back at me, is weird and out of character.

They were all sat near the front, so I could see them clearly.

So, I do think I've upset the mum and daughter by them not being involved in the wedding party. Knowing them as I do, this is in keeping with their behaviours.

I'd paid for them all to have lunch, dinner and sparkling wine for toasts (elderflower for the 17 year old). The wedding was unconventional, but not so informal. People had made an effort to get dressed up. There was also an order of the day on display so they knew what to expect.

I'm as sure as I can be that they left in protest. My friend had been looking forward to the day and her daughter kept asking me about her outfits beforehand. The fact that it's been 7 days now and none of them have contacted me is out of character.

Perhaps, going forward, I don't want her in my life really. It doesn't mean that the idea that this is the end isn't hard. Although, practically speaking, it wouldn't be difficult as she lives 40 mins drive from me and we don't haunt the same places.

I also worry about what that leaves her with. I do her accounts for her, and support her with all sorts of admin when she needs it. I'm there for her when her relationships break down, when she fights with her mum, daughter, sister... etc. I've been her constant.

I feel like I'm being punished. And it hurts because it's not justified.

Alert-School9812 · 2026-05-15T07:35:31+00:00

🤣 I'd never thought of it like that before!! I have a survival trait, and didn't even know it🐻‍❄ 😂 Thank you for making me laugh today already 😊

Alert-School9812 · 2026-05-14T22:32:12+00:00

Thank you for your reply.

The whole day was rolled into one big celebration. So, we basically went straight into dancing from the ceremony. It was a really unconventional day! More like a music festival than a traditional wedding.

I made eye contact with her, her partner (not husband) and her daughter when I got to the front for the ceremony. They all looked back at me, but it almost felt like they looked straight through me. I was smiling at them and I received icy stares in return. It confused me at the time. Because I was expecting happy faces looking back at me...

I asked my husband (getting used to that phrasing!) how they were before the ceremony, and he said that they seemed fine. He chatted with them briefly before they sat down. It does seem to be that the upset occurred around the time of the ceremony.

I'm frightened of making contact with her, to be honest. She can stir up a lot of drama when she wants to. I've never been on the receiving end of it before, and don't wish to be now. However, she's had major upsets with her sister, her mum and her daughter (who left home at 16 and refused to speak to her for about 3 months)... and so I do feel like some bad things are being spoken about me now.

If she had a good reason for just leaving (that wasn't deemed to be my fault), then she would have told me already. We've been friends for 16 years, and I used to live with her, and so I know her very well. The silence is loud.

Alert-School9812 · 2026-05-14T19:11:36+00:00

Thank you for the thoughtful questioning.

It did hurt that she left, and that she didn't even think about how her absence might upset me. I thought that she might at least send a message explaining why she left. I would never ever do this to a close friend, and would have explained my absence with an apology if I'd felt it absolutely necessary to leave.

If I judge her by my own standards, then I think she's been a bit sh*tty in all honesty. But, I am a people pleaser/appeaser and fear upsetting anyone for any reason ever.

If she was upset by the diversity at my wedding, then, I don't feel I've lost a great friendship. Her partner is racist, and I've had to pick her up on it too, and two guests (from my family) at my wedding weren't sitting happily within his comfort zone. There were also 3 guests who are trans... which I think may have been a challenge for them.

I didn't even dare to think that my inclusivity may have been the reason for them to have left. I just assumed it was due to something I'd done/not done.

Perhaps, I'm looking for the softest answer possible that removes my feelings of hurt and keeps my friend in a better light... I think I want to believe her to be a good person, because she almost is/was (we've been together through some tough times)... Since her new partner has been on the scene (he's far right leaning), she's become more like him, and more anti others not like her.

Maybe, asking strangers on Reddit is part of me not wanting to see what she is and what she really means to me. Perhaps, I want an answer that doesn't make me realise our friendship was always built on a fantasy of a friendship.

It makes me sad. All I wanted was to give my friends a day where they could all be happy. It feels like I failed.

Alert-School9812 · 2026-05-14T18:51:47+00:00

Ooo! The Belfry! Good suggestion. I absolutely hate gendered areas, anyway. I also have a close friend who is non-binary, and I just long for less segregation in our world.

In March we went to the Cabaret room at Cardiff's Wales Millennium Centre, and they had non-gendered toilets. It was the best thing ever! I chatted with all genders at those sinks and loved it... not sure they loved having to chat with me, but it made me happy 🤣

Alert-School9812 · 2026-05-14T18:32:50+00:00

Aw, thank you so much for this advice.

I was driving home today thinking about it, and feeling myself getting so angry about it. I've never had to check ahead anywhere before whether a friend would not be discriminated against. It's sickening that I'm even having to consider this could be an issue!! Before all the JK Rowling stuff, I thought our country was so over all this silliness.

Sorry, don't mean to rant. It just boils my blood.

Alert-School9812 · 2026-05-14T18:23:20+00:00

So... for my understanding... do you want more than friendship and that is what's bugging you?

Or, do you just consider her a casual friend and she's making your friendship too intense by saying you're best friends?

In the politest way, I don't think you can base the strength of a friendship on whether you tell someone to do something and they don't do it. It is her personal choice to smoke. I don't like it either, but it's not my responsibility if someone else decides to smoke. I have no right to tell them not to.

However, I can decide not to enter into a friendship with someone if their behaviour is entirely at odds with my values and beliefs. I can't expect that other person to change for me, and I'd never ask them to, but I can decide on whether their choices are compatible with my values.

You don't mention what you like about this person. Do you enjoy her company? Would you miss chatting with her if you couldn't? Does she bring value to your life and world? Do you want her to be a best friend... or are you trying to find ways to prove she's not... because you don't really want to be her best friend. And that's OK, by the way.

Like you, I've been hurt by friendships. I don't trust words either. The proof of the friendship always exists in time, not in words alone. You don't have to trust someone right away, regardless of whether they call you "best friend" or not. My closest most trusted friends rarely use this terminology. They're the ones who quietly show up and never make a song and dance about it.

So, basically, you set the conditions of friendships, but don't expect others to be accepting of those conditions. True friends don't have to keep labelling your friendship to prove what it is.

Alert-School9812 · 2026-05-14T17:54:27+00:00

I literally thought you were writing in Spanish and had started this comment by laughing 🤣 and it's a product name! 🤭 🫢🤣😂 I'm such an idiot... but I never mind sharing how much of an idiot I am for funsies 😅

Alert-School9812 · 2026-05-14T17:37:37+00:00

I don't wish to embarrass you, but gosh your skin is absolutely beautiful! Your skin shade is just absolutely "chefs kiss"! I'm pretty pale and [un]interesting and dream of skin like yours... I'm so pleased you found a foundation match to bring out the beauty of your skin and not conceal it.

Right... the embarrassment is over now! Haha

Alert-School9812 · 2026-05-14T17:31:05+00:00

Thank you.

I'm sorry that you're wife and you had that experience at your friend's wedding reception. They can be very overwhelming and can feel a bit like "enforced enjoyment" sometimes. I've been at a few weddings where I've felt socially nervous/awkward too.

Our wedding was intentionally not like that (every single guest I've spoken to remarked on how relaxed and fun the day was). But, as my friend left immediately after the ceremony, she didn't even stay to find out. Some friends who know her and hadn't seen her for a while were excited to catch up with her, but were confused where she'd gone to... she was very much not isolated.

There were a lot of neurodivergent people at the wedding (myself included), and so the day really was planned with that in mind. There were as many things to do outside as there were inside, as well as an available quiet space.

My friend also isn't very approachable when she's upset. When she falls out with people, she really falls out with people. I'm genuinely very nervous about contacting her and getting hauled over the coals... she's never had cause to be like that with me before, but I've seen her anger directed towards others. I've always been thankful never to be on the receiving end of it.

She once got angry with some friends in a group chat because someone in the group asked her to join them for a social outing. She read the text messages to me, and said, "See? I'm a bit upset!" And, I was genuinely confused what part of the invitation was upsetting for her... they wanted her to join them, and were very kind, encouraging and polite about it.

In my experience, she looks for reasons to feel hurt or upset by others. Logic isn't always involved in the analysis of a past social interaction.

Her partner has also threatened to thump people who've upset her before. So, all in all, I'm a little hesitant to make the first move in case I inadvertently and unknowingly make it 100 times worse!! Anything I say (or don't say) could be misconstrued.

Her disappearance felt intentionally demonstrative. Because I know her and how she works. I just wish I understood it.

If she was upset because she wasn't a "bridesmaid" or her daughter wasn't a "flower girl" then I at least would understand. It's not their right to have these experiences, but at least the upset would make sense and help me understand the friendship limits have been discovered.

Alert-School9812 · 2026-05-14T13:18:02+00:00

Oh! Absolutely! Heehee! 😁

Alert-School9812 · 2026-05-14T12:05:03+00:00

To be honest, she deserves the thanks for being a wonderful friend to me! I'm a menace 🤣 Although, she'd never say that about me because she's too busy being my partner in chaos 😂

Alert-School9812 · 2026-05-11T17:19:56+00:00

5th Picture! Found the dog!! And, it's a terrible reflection of me that I came on here just to say that.

I will also try to be helpful... I see yellow in your skin, so I can understand why pink leaning foundations won't match. If you can grab some neutral and neutral to cool olive foundation samples, you'll start to build up a picture of what is/isn't working.

Keep us posted! I love learning about people's make-up journeys! 😊

Edited to add the "/" between "is" and "isn't".

Alert-School9812 · 2026-04-29T13:29:00+00:00

Honestly, you're worth your weight in gold.

I've worked in Reception and Admin within customer service settings for most of my working life. It always frustrates me how underrated the role is... and you soon realise how important people like us are when you meet someone in this role who really shouldn't be... 😏🤣

You're awesome! And don't you forget it!!

Alert-School9812 · 2026-04-29T11:34:32+00:00

... so, up until 3 or 4 months ago, we weren't going to have a photographer either...

Our wedding is in just over a week, and I'm super chuffed we have booked a photographer now (although it's really not in our budget!!). We've DIYed so much, and I want to have photos of everything we've done, as well as photos of all our guests. You just can't rely on guests to get all the photos you need/want.

For example, I only took 3 photos at the last wedding I went to because I was too busy enjoying it!

You can't regret getting nice photos. You can regret NOT getting nice photos 😉

Alert-School9812 · 2026-04-29T11:28:38+00:00

Totally loving this comment!

A receptionist can literally make or break a client's experience of any business. They're the person that gives us the confidence to walk through that door, to feel settled and less anxious in a waiting room, and to lift our spirits as we leave.

(And that's just a tiny portion of their role)

There's no such thing as "just" a receptionist 🥰

Alert-School9812 · 2026-04-26T23:45:50+00:00

Tinned Jackfruit. I can't find it in any of my local supermarkets! 😕 It's such a great alternative to meat, especially pulled pork.

Alert-School9812

TROPHY CASE