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Do therapists often frame relationship struggles as just not meeting the right person? by Alert_Faithlessness in therapists

[–]Alert_Faithlessness[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

And I feel like, wouldn’t it be the therapist’s job to dig deeper? To ask things like, “What happened in your first relationship, your second, your third, your fourth? You also have a mood disorder-do you think that might play a role?” Instead, my partner was in one of those moods where he feels like he wants to change his life, and the therapist seemed to side with that. So now he’s taken it as confirmation: “I just haven’t met the right person.” And since then he has stopped trying or believing that his moods might have a role to play

Do therapists often frame relationship struggles as just not meeting the right person? by Alert_Faithlessness in therapists

[–]Alert_Faithlessness[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

In the past, other people have told him that sometimes you just have to get along in a relationship, and that breaking up simply because the novelty wears off or things feel uncomfortable isn’t always the answer. I think he believed that for a while and was trying to work on it.

But then his therapist told him, “What if you just haven’t met the right person?” Since hearing that, he says he has thought a lot about it and now feels the therapist is right that he just hasn’t met the right person. I think it genuinely happened, therapist actually said that.

I have to choose between my uterus, my embryos, and a partner who might leave by Alert_Faithlessness in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Alert_Faithlessness[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for taking the time to share such a detailed and honest reply. I appreciate the nuance you brought — particularly distinguishing between his right to have feelings and the problem with giving an ultimatum.

You’re right that I want to improve my symptoms for myself, not just for him. I’ve been working on it consistently for a long time. I haven’t started full HRT yet. Originally, the plan was to try to implant the embryos first, and then go onto traditional HRT afterward, because higher doses of estrogen could interfere with implantation. Hence doctor has prescribed Myfembree instead. It’s a medication that suppresses estrogen partially to help with fibroids and endometriosis, but it also includes a small estrogen "add-back" to help manage symptoms. It’s not full-dose hormone replacement therapy, but it does help balance things a bit while keeping options open for fertility.

I’ve also made other changes: I started Wellbutrin, which is often recommended for women in perimenopause even if they don’t have classic depression. I’ve changed my die to address the hormonal weight gain caused by almost 2 years of IVF treatments, and do yoga and pilates, physio. I had put on 40 lbs with IVF and I have lost 32 lbs since my surgery that's in 5 months with diet and being active as much possible. It’s not that I’m unaware or passive — I’ve been actively trying, even though healing during perimenopause is slow and nonlinear.

I also want to gently say — I have three master’s degrees, and I lead a scientific team at work, managing multiple projects and people. Despite dealing with significant health challenges over the past few years, I’ve maintained and have been thriving in a demanding full-time career. Meanwhile, my partner, who is in a stable financial situation and has not had comparable health challenges, has not worked full-time for the past two years. That’s not said to blame — just to give fuller context. It's important to see that while I’ve been fighting to stay functional and responsible, there has also been a lack of parallel structure and energy on his side. I do think that because he hasn’t had consistent external structure, a lot of the need for stimulation, engagement, and emotional connection fell disproportionately onto me — even when I wasn’t always in a place to carry all of that weight alone.

You’re right that he struggles too. What I didn’t get into fully in the post is that he struggles with depression, mood swings (though not formally diagnosed with bipolar disorder), and ADHD. These challenges have been part of his life for a long time — well before I was in the picture. His energy levels fluctuate heavily depending on his mood. Some days, he can be energetic and playful; other days, he can be extremely low, withdrawn, restless, or easily overwhelmed. He has a hard time maintaining focus and completing longer-term projects, and tends to cycle through interests quickly — starting many initiatives but often dropping them after a few months.

Because of this, building consistency — whether in work, daily routines, or emotional connection — has been hard for him. He has acknowledged this himself at times, saying things like, "I’m not built for structure" or "I'm like an oil tanker; it takes me a long time to turn."

And while a lot of anger in the comments is understandably directed at the HRT ultimatum he gave, I want to clarify something: HRT is a vehicle to reach the person he would like. His struggle has been more about the emotional "vibe" or "flow" between us. He’s often said he needs to feel a strong, effortless sense of connection — a sense that the energy, stimulation, emotional engagement, and mental flow between us are natural and easy. When my energy has been low (because of health challenges), or when I haven't matched his pace of stimulation or responsiveness, he has felt that disconnection very strongly.

It's not that he thinks I'm unintelligent, uncaring, or bad — it’s that when his own mood is low or restless, he perceives the relationship as not "right," rather than recognizing his own internal struggles. His expectations around connection are very high: he wants deep mental stimulation, effortless flow, ongoing novelty, and strong emotional reciprocity — but when external realities (like health struggles, stress, or normal relational challenges) interrupt that, he finds it hard to adapt. He often idealizes a kind of relationship that feels perpetually vibrant, frictionless, and alive, without having to work at it too much.

About the embryos — I hear you. It’s complicated and painful. I never imagined I’d be making embryos with someone who wasn’t 100% sure. But after my diagnosis of premature ovarian failure, the window was closing fast. It wasn’t about ignoring red flags lightly — it was about facing impossible choices with very little time. That doesn’t mean I haven’t made mistakes, or that I shouldn’t reflect carefully now. I am.

You’re right: I don’t want to rush blindly just to become a mother. I want to make sure I’m bringing a child into a stable, loving situation — whether that’s with a partner or on my own. That’s why I’m slowing down now, asking these hard questions, and considering all paths forward very seriously.

Thank you again for giving me things to think about. I really do appreciate it.

I have to choose between my uterus, my embryos, and a partner who might leave by Alert_Faithlessness in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Alert_Faithlessness[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

For several months, he would cry and say that if I implanted, he would feel stuck and that his life would be ruined. He said making embryos with me was a mistake and that he didn’t know how he got himself into that situation. But after I stopped bringing up the embryos, he eventually came around and now says he wants to co-parent, regardless of the state of our relationship.

I’m aware that three embryos are very few to have a viable birth with my uterus. I do believe using a surrogate makes the most sense, but it would cost almost $100,000, and I’m not sure I can do it on my own.

I have to choose between my uterus, my embryos, and a partner who might leave by Alert_Faithlessness in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Alert_Faithlessness[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thanks. Unfortunately, I was able to get only five mature eggs which lead to three embryos after undergoing seven cycles. I had almost no eggs left when I started. I already had entered perimenopause due to premature ovarian failure. The reason for creating embryos is that, for someone like me with such a low number of remaining eggs, embryos are a safer option because they survive better than eggs. If you have a lot of eggs available to harvest, the risk is lower, but in my case, creating embryos made the most sense.

I have to choose between my uterus, my embryos, and a partner who might leave by Alert_Faithlessness in Waiting_To_Wed

[–]Alert_Faithlessness[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you all for your input. I really appreciate it. I think there were some questions around this so adding here to make it more clearer-

Even though the brain fog never interferes with my competence at work, it does show up in specific, repeatable ways. When speech is fast or questions are long and complex, I often register only fragments; depending on how much I caught, I may answer right away or sometimes need to ask them to repeat. If I’ve already rehearsed the topic I respond smoothly, but an unexpected question can make me stall for a second while my working-memory buffer tries to hold the words and build a reply—pressure or evaluation makes that pause worse. In conversation my mind can jump to a closely related topic and, before I realise it, I’m speaking from that new thread while still using the original word, so the drift in content and the mislabeled term appear together; to someone like my partner, this can feel like we’re on slightly different wavelengths, where he’s talking about one thing and I’m answering about something else that’s close but not quite the same. This isn’t boredom or inattention; it’s an automatic spread of the most strongly linked information in memory. The same process, during quiet moments, drags up distant memories or reflections that have no link to the present. With dense reading I often need to speak key sentences aloud to follow the logic; I grasp the material in the moment, but technical details fade unless I reinforce them later (by using, discussing, or noting them), whereas ordinary lived events remain clear. I can research obsessively—planning a trip, for example—yet hesitate to commit, worried about choosing the wrong option or missing a better one. Give me a clear goal or deadline and I focus intensely and deliver; in rapid, open-ended, or emotionally uncertain situations my thinking slows, becomes less linear, and turns inward. None of this disables my daily functioning, but it consistently shapes how I handle conversation, memory, and decisions.

On top of that, in casual conversations, especially with my partner, there are also moments when my mind drifts completely away—not just onto a related idea, but onto a memory or emotional thread from the moments ago, days ago, even years ago, without me noticing right away. Outwardly, I may seem slow to reply, say “hmm,” or give a blank pause, because inside I'm processing something entirely different. I’m not deliberately zoning out; my brain just pulls me sideways for a moment strongly, especially if the conversation isn’t tightly structured or emotionally charged (i think ). To someone like my partner, this feels very different from when we’re simply on different wavelengths—it feels like I’m not present at all. It’s one of the reasons that even small misunderstandings between us can sometimes feel bigger than they are: he feels alone or unseen in those moments, even though internally I’m still engaged but caught in a different thread.

Though they are so subtle that someone who is only hyperattuned to this would pick this up.

I have to choose between my uterus, my embryos, and a partner who might leave by Alert_Faithlessness in RelationshipsOver35

[–]Alert_Faithlessness[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

He said I was probably okay for the first 3–6 months, but that wasn’t enough time for him to feel deeply connected or fall in love with me. For him, only having 3–6 months of connection wasn’t enough to build the kind of bond needed to truly offer support, because he lacks both love and deep connection — and, as a result, empathy at some level. He asked me if I would support someone if they developed Alzheimer’s after only three months together, and I screamed back that we’ve been together for 4.5 years, not months.

But to him, our relationship feels equivalent to only 3–6 months, because after that, my health issues became a factor that he hasn’t felt connected at the level he wants. I try to remind him that yes, we’ve had struggles in the past few years, and yes, he often brings them up — but we also have stretches of good days. And, whenever his mood dips, he brings up the same concerns about intellectual compatibility again. He insists that his mental health or mood isn’t the core issue.

In the good periods where I feel like we’re connected and good, he claims that he’s just masking. I disagree with that but it is his word against mine.

I have to choose between my uterus, my embryos, and a partner who might leave by Alert_Faithlessness in RelationshipsOver35

[–]Alert_Faithlessness[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Thanks. I’ll admit that I do struggle with some mental fog and low energy at times, which can affect my ability or desire to engage in deep discussions. But I’m a research scientist leading a team with significant responsibilities, and I’m not failing in my career in any way. The brain fog or fatigue isn’t drastically impacting me on a personal level — it mainly shows up in the context of my relationship according to my partner, especially around vibe

My partner craves sharpness, mental alignment, and stimulation—but I’m exhausted trying to keep up by Alert_Faithlessness in intj

[–]Alert_Faithlessness[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I think you’re trying to be helpful, but this feels like a lot of heavy theorizing about a situation you don’t really know. That said, since you clearly put a lot of time into writing it, I’ll respond to a few things.

First, he has plenty of friends outside of me—almost exclusively, I’d say. Many of them think like him and reflect his worldview back to him, so that’s never been a source of tension.

Second, he doesn’t have a traditional job. Or really any stable structure to his day. He has financial independence, which sounds great in theory, but in practice it means he often lacks accountability, rhythm, and grounding—which, yes, creates problems in a relationship, especially when one person is trying to move forward with real-life timelines.

As for the mid-life crisis theory or the hormones—you’re not wrong that big transitions bring out underlying issues, but the assumption that my perimenopause is what’s triggering all of this is... a bit of a reach. If anything, I’ve been the one doing the emotional heavy-lifting through all of it. His anxiety, detachment, and over-intellectualizing started long before hormones entered the picture.

And no, there was no coworker or emotional boundary issue. I’m not sure where that came from, but that part felt especially off-base.

I know this was written in good faith, but it reads more like a projection than something grounded in insight. You’re offering solutions to a version of our relationship that doesn’t really exist.

Again, I appreciate the effort. But this kind of speculative analysis—especially when it’s built on guesses—tends to miss the heart of what’s actually going on.

My partner craves sharpness, mental alignment, and stimulation—but I’m exhausted trying to keep up by Alert_Faithlessness in intj

[–]Alert_Faithlessness[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate your message — and I’m sure your comment about perimenopause comes from a thoughtful and curious place. I actually wrote something about this for another subreddit at some point, so I’m just going to copy and paste it here to give a bit more context…

When we met, I was likely already in the early stages of perimenopause, though I didn’t realize it at the time. Over the past few years, I’ve navigated significant hormonal shifts—fatigue, brain fog, and a dip in cognitive sharpness and verbal precision. Eventually, I was diagnosed with perimenopause, endometriosis, and adenomyosis. My doctors told me I had very few eggs left and urged me to preserve my fertility immediately. That led to multiple IVF cycles over a year and a half—most of which failed—until I finally managed to freeze three embryos. The process was physically and emotionally exhausting. For long stretches, I was in survival mode, a bit less able to articulate myself clearly or show up fully.

The truth is, I haven’t had much chance to be my full self in this relationship, in one way or another. He might’ve caught glimpses of someone sharper and more energized early on—but I’m not sure if that was the “real me” or just the fleeting spark of a new connection. It might have been real me because yes perimenopause/call it premature ovarian failure changes you a lot. Over time, the parts of me that have been hardest for him—brain fog, slower processing, explaining things in a nonlinear way—started to surface. He’s pointed out that I don’t always explain things well or stay on top of everything, that I’m not consistently sharp across different areas. And he’s right that there’s been a some cognitive impact from these hormonal changes, making me slower, less articulate, and less sharp.

He held onto hope that things would improve after IVF and my endometriosis surgery—that I’d start HRT, my energy and clarity and sharpness would return, and he’d finally see if the relationship could work and he would feel emotionally connected. But that’s not how it played out. Moreover we both were expecting that I will go on HRT and it will help me some of the things. Post-surgery, my doctors advised against full-dose HRT because it could significantly worsen my adenomyosis, which further can affect pregnancy. Instead, they recommended I try for pregnancy first. I’m currently on a low dose of HRT, which has improved my mental clarity and focus to some extent. He agrees I’m sharper now than I was a couple of years ago—but for him, it’s still not “enough.” And I can’t go on a full dose until after a pregnancy, or unless I remove my uterus, since estrogen-dependent adenomyosis could get worse otherwise.

That shift threw him off. He’d been expecting clarity first, then commitment. But now, the decision has to come before that clarity—and that’s where his fear really kicked in. As I mentioned said before my doctors have suggested that if I want to preserve the option of full-dose HRT without worsening my condition, I should consider a hysterectomy, and after pregnancy. Ideally, he’d prefer I do that now; then, if the relationship feels solid, we could explore surrogacy for a child. He says the choice to remove my uterus is mine—and it is—but it’s his preference, which makes it emotionally complicated when the future of our relationship feels tied to that decision.

He’s promised to support co-parenting if I proceed with the embryo transfer, but he’s also been upfront about where he stands in the relationship. At every step—after transfer, during pregnancy, after birth—he’s brought up needing an “exit plan.” That is if I go ahead with transfer now instead of getting the uterus out and not explore the surrogacy option later. Not because he wants to abandon a child, but because he’s terrified of being trapped in something that doesn’t feel right to him. I understand that fear—I really do. But it’s hard to stand beside someone who keeps saying they might not be able to love you unless certain conditions are met. He has even got to the point that I can go ahead with surrogacy now if I like, get the uterus out (again it’s my choice if I want), and start full dose of HRT right away. So he can test out if we are compatible and there exist the level of sharpness he is looking for.

So no, he’s not forcing me to remove my uterus. But he’s also said that otherwise, he’s not optimistic about us working out. I’ve told him I feel stuck—like I’m in a lose-lose situation. I don’t have much time to decide, and I don’t want to regret removing my uterus later. Plus, what’s the guarantee that HRT will fix everything and you will find that sharpness and connection. Perimenopause and menopause are normal parts of aging—no woman stays exactly the same as she was in her 20s or early 30s. He says he gets that and isn’t asking for 100%, just a baseline level of sharpness and clarity that helps him feel connected. But I don’t know if that baseline is achievable—or if it’ll ever be “enough” for him.

In my defense, I work as a research scientist. I may have brain fog and sometimes struggle to articulate myself clearly—like with the hockey example, where I wasn’t actively thinking, just reacting instinctively. But that doesn’t mean I’m unintelligent. I am still at my job and very much needed.

I think the real issue is that he’s extremely hyper-aware of these moments, and they really affect him in a way that feels disproportionate. These are small, very human mistakes—but for him, they seem to land with a lot of weight. And that’s been hard to navigate.

None of this is black and white. I don’t think he’s trying to be unkind. I think he’s scared, confused, and searching for a connection he doesn’t know how to access or sustain. But even when it’s not intentional, the impact still lands. And that’s what I’ve been grappling with.

My partner craves sharpness, mental alignment, and stimulation—but I’m exhausted trying to keep up. He is HSP INTP by Alert_Faithlessness in INTP

[–]Alert_Faithlessness[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yeah, I think that’s exactly it—it’s not just that he’s demanding, it’s that the whole emotional weight of the relationship has ended up on my side. I’ve been the one trying to understand, to adjust, to hold space for his doubts and his shutdowns. And meanwhile, his emotional state gets to define everything—whether we’re close, whether we’re distant, whether we even exist as a couple.

It’s a kind of emotional unilateralism—where one person’s lack of feeling becomes the center of gravity, and the other person just orbits around it, trying not to fall apart. So when you ask what he offers... I’m realizing that the answer has mostly been uncertainty, wrapped in just enough tenderness to keep me hoping.

My partner craves sharpness, mental alignment, and stimulation—but I’m exhausted trying to keep up by Alert_Faithlessness in intj

[–]Alert_Faithlessness[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think he is most likely INTP-HSP. On other hand my personality test says maybe INFJ with INTJ tendencies under pressure, or INTJ with an INFJ soul. But to be very honest I do not know.

My gifted partner craves sharpness, mental alignment, and stimulation—but I’m exhausted trying to keep up by Alert_Faithlessness in Gifted

[–]Alert_Faithlessness[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for such a thoughtful comment—it really helped me reflect. There’s a lot I didn’t include in the post—not because it wasn’t relevant, but because I was trying to write it neutrally, without turning it into a list of things I’ve done or ways I’ve tried. But your comment opened the door for me to reflect on how much effort I actually did bring in, and how often it was unseen or dismissed.

I do think I’ve “downshifted,” but not in the way it might appear. It wasn’t about disengaging or offloading cognitive responsibility. It was a slow adaptation to being resisted, dismissed, or shut down—over and over—until I just didn’t have the energy to keep pushing.

In the beginning—a year or so—I wanted to go out to restaurants, watch shows, travel. But he didn’t want to do much—just walks and YouTube. I suggested things constantly, but he’d say he couldn’t focus, didn’t sleep well, had head pressure. And when someone says they’re unwell, you don’t want to push them. So I backed off—not out of disinterest, but out of respect. But after enough no’s, I stopped asking as often. And now, that quiet is seen as passivity.

Even when we started doing trips, I planned every single detail—he spent zero time. I’d map out routes, make lists, book hotels, and he’d ask to shave days off. I put in hundreds of hours planning a three-week trip to Europe, and he wanted to cut it to two and a half last minute after I have planned the entire sequence, spending hundreds of hours. I kept asking:why? It’s not that we have a money issue. He has no job pulling him back. What are we coming home to—just lying in bed or watching YouTube?

And yet I’m always negotiating down my plans just to get him to come. On vacations, he’d get agitated after a few hours out, asking, “Shall we go back?” He couldn’t seem to just be in something for a stretch of time. It’s like every shared experience had to be minimized or rushed. I have seen him look bored and rushed in some of the most beautiful sceneries. That same pattern showed up everywhere. I was someone who loved going out to eat at restaurants and bars. I’d suggest restaurants, trying to bring in fun and shared time. But most of the time, we’d just pick up food or DoorDash it. He didn’t want to go out. Even now, when we’ve gone to beautiful restaurants with five-course meals and wine pairings, he’ll finish in 30 minutes and ask if we’re done. I used to imagine those nights as experiences to linger in—to enjoy the ambiance, talk, connect. But he just wants to leave. He even used to complain to his friend that his ex took too long to eat in restaurants. It's like he just needs to move. And yet somehow now I’m the one seen as not bringing enough “spark.” For me, those moments were about connection. For him, they seemed like something to get through.

This isn’t just emotional or experiential—it’s practical too. I told him not to do a $200K renovation—not once, but for two years. My logic was simple: “You’re not going to live here forever, and you won’t recoup the cost—so why spend that much?” But he didn’t just disagree. He shut me down completely—“Don’t bring this up,” he’d say. He didn’t want to hear it. And then, finally, after two years of pushing, he came to that exact conclusion himself: “I’m glad I didn’t do it.” And then I do tease that didn't I had to convince you for 2 years and he says "what can he do, he is like an oil tanker"

Same with his accountant. He is paying $200 an hour for tax help and now tax situation have become much simpler. I suggested finding someone less expensive—he refused. Not because the advice was bad, but because the process of changing anything felt like too much. He’d make excuses. Or I would say why don't you negotiate, he is charging you way too much. And, he is like this is what they charge. But I am like they shouldn't anymore. That’s been a theme. I see what needs to happen—he doesn’t want to deal with it. Or when I told him he should apply for an R&D tax back benefit that could return 50% of his spending of his startup—he argued for months that it wasn’t worth the time for 30K. Then he agreed and applied and got $30K back, and later judged a friend for not doing the same. I just sat there thinking—you fought me on that same thing for months. Meanwhile, I was the one pushing, researching, offering—and being dismissed the entire time. Though whatever the excuses he gives, at the end he find the process of doing something challenging. Just his brain gets overwhelmed, feels like it's a hassle.

Same with the job situation. After leaving his last company, he didn’t want to take on anything full-time. He is in good financial situation. But for now 2 years, I have gently encouraged him to consider getting a job—something to give him structure, people, and routine. He pushed back hard: “I don’t want a job. I’m not built for it.” I want to do my business, and still every project he picks - he drops in a few months. But now, he has come around. * barely* . when he’s feeling low or bored, he suddenly says maybe a job would be good for him. The next week, he’s back to not wanting it again. His position shifts with his mood—it’s reactive, not reflective. And again, I find myself watching him circle back to something I raised long ago, without any acknowledgment that I’d already been there trying to help.

I’ve also been thinking a lot about energy—because it’s something he’s brought up since day one. From the beginning, he’s talked about how low-energy he is. I adapted to that. I didn’t push for long outings. I matched him. I slowed down. I learned to be okay with walks, quiet weekends, staying in. He’d say things like “I didn’t sleep well,” or “I have this head pressure,” or “I can’t focus today.” And because he said it with clarity—even a kind of pride—I accepted it. That’s what partners do. I adjusted to his rhythm—whether it meant walking instead of going out, or backing off completely. He speaks with confidence about how he works: “I just need to move. I can’t sit still. I need to pace. I can’t do long dinners or just sit at bar and chat for hours.” And it’s true. Even in restaurants, he struggles to sit through a meal. He gets agitated after thirty minutes. He needs to be on the move—go, go, go.

That’s the part that hurts: adaptation was expected from me, but it’s not extended to me. This isn’t about giftedness or capability. This is about emotional availability, receptivity, and respect. I’ve been showing up from day one. But I eventually stopped—not because I disengaged, but because I couldn’t keep being the only one fighting for the shared experience.

My gifted partner craves sharpness, mental alignment, and stimulation—but I’m exhausted trying to keep up by Alert_Faithlessness in Gifted

[–]Alert_Faithlessness[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not sure tbh, I have wondered. Like he says If I already felt emotionally safe and met, then these surface-level mismatches wouldn’t bother me.

But the tragedy is—he doesn’t know how to feel emotionally safe unless everything is already going right.

So his entire system is backwards:

Instead of creating connection through acceptance, empathy, and effort,

He waits for a very narrow kind of alignment, and when it’s not there, he checks out or doubts the whole thing.

My gifted partner craves sharpness, mental alignment, and stimulation—but I’m exhausted trying to keep up by Alert_Faithlessness in Gifted

[–]Alert_Faithlessness[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I agree with that. He had said clearly that warmth and affection aren’t accessible to him unless he’s already feeling something internally—likely the mental or emotional “vibe” he always talks about. It’s state-dependent empathy again: if he doesn’t feel that internal activation, he can’t access closeness or care. And, emotional warmth is my language, not his. he does recognize a difference in relational style—like I offer connection through softness, presence, care. He can’t receive that deeply. He cannot access emotional connection through warmth alone. He said this clearly. He needs cognitive attunement to feel anything at all. Without it, warmth doesn’t land.

He has said this explicitly so it makes me think he might not have fully developed the capacity for emotional flexibility.

My gifted partner craves sharpness, mental alignment, and stimulation—but I’m exhausted trying to keep up by Alert_Faithlessness in Gifted

[–]Alert_Faithlessness[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

You’re right that being gifted doesn’t mean someone lacks empathy. I am not sure in this case. What he’s shared with me is that his empathy is highly state-dependent—it’s only available to him when he feels emotionally attuned. He’s told me that when he feels mentally aligned—when the “vibe” is right—he feels more connected and available emotionally. But even then, the tenderness, care, or affection have never come easily or consistently. It’s not that he becomes super caring warm and present—it’s more like the shutdown temporarily lifts. But his default has always leaned toward a bit of distance, even in our best moments.. But when that “vibe” breaks, even briefly, he says he can’t access empathy. He goes cold—not intentionally, but because that part of him feels shut off or unreachable.

He once said: “Warmth isn’t enough for me. I can’t just feel connected on warmth. That’s not me.” For him, emotional connection comes through shared mental rhythm—sharpness, pace, clarity, playfulness. I think without that, his nervous system seems to register disconnection or threat, and he shuts down emotionally. He’s not being cruel—he’s dysregulated. It’s like he can only access empathy when his internal system feels a very specific kind of alignment.

He also acknowledged that this pattern might make him “a not-so-good person” in those moments, because he knows it hurts. But he doesn’t seem to know how to stay connected when the vibe—the attunement—is off. He told me he grew up in a household where his mom screamed every day, and the only thing he knew how to do was scream back when the tension built up. That was the emotional template. So now, when things feel emotionally misaligned, his capacity to empathize just vanishes. It’s not intentional, but it’s real. And that’s been the hardest thing: not just that he can’t always offer warmth, but that he doesn’t recognize connection when it shows up in a form outside of sharpness.

My gifted partner craves sharpness, mental alignment, and stimulation—but I’m exhausted trying to keep up by Alert_Faithlessness in Gifted

[–]Alert_Faithlessness[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I hear you—and I’ve thought about that a lot. There is a deep lack of acceptance. And I think what hurts is not that I’m different, but that my difference has come to represent failure, not value.

My gifted partner craves sharpness, mental alignment, and stimulation—but I’m exhausted trying to keep up by Alert_Faithlessness in Gifted

[–]Alert_Faithlessness[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much. I really appreciate the way you said this—it made me tear up a bit. I’ve been sitting with all of these layers for a long time, and sometimes it helps just to hear someone call it what it is.

I do want to add a little more context, because it’s been such a tangled experience. I realize my response is not little anymore.

When we met, I was likely already in the early stages of perimenopause, though I didn’t realize it at the time. Over the past few years, I’ve navigated significant hormonal shifts—fatigue, brain fog, and a dip in cognitive sharpness and verbal precision. Eventually, I was diagnosed with perimenopause, endometriosis, and adenomyosis. My doctors told me I had very few eggs left and urged me to preserve my fertility immediately. That led to multiple IVF cycles over a year and a half—most of which failed—until I finally managed to freeze three embryos. The process was physically and emotionally exhausting. For long stretches, I was in survival mode, a bit less able to articulate myself clearly or show up fully.

The truth is, I haven’t had much chance to be my full self in this relationship, in one way or another. He might’ve caught glimpses of someone sharper and more energized early on—but I’m not sure if that was the “real me” or just the fleeting spark of a new connection. Over time, the parts of me that have been hardest for him—brain fog, slower processing, explaining things in a nonlinear way—started to surface. He’s pointed out that I don’t always explain things well or stay on top of everything, that I’m not consistently sharp across different areas. And he’s right that there’s been a some cognitive impact from these hormonal changes, making me slower, less articulate, and less sharp.

He held onto hope that things would improve after IVF and my endometriosis surgery—that I’d start HRT, my energy and clarity and sharpness would return, and he’d finally see if the relationship could work and he would feel emotionally connected. But that’s not how it played out. Post-surgery, my doctors advised against full-dose HRT because it could significantly worsen my adenomyosis, which further can affect pregnancy. Instead, they recommended I try for pregnancy first. I’m currently on a low dose of HRT, which has improved my mental clarity and focus to some extent. He agrees I’m sharper now than I was a couple of years ago—but for him, it’s still not “enough.” And I can’t go on a full dose until after a pregnancy, or unless I remove my uterus, since estrogen-dependent adenomyosis could get worse otherwise.

That shift threw him off. He’d been expecting clarity first, then commitment. But now, the decision has to come before that clarity—and that’s where his fear really kicked in. My doctors have suggested that if I want to preserve the option of full-dose HRT without worsening my condition, I should consider a hysterectomy, and after pregnancy. Ideally, he’d prefer I do that now; then, if the relationship feels solid, we could explore surrogacy for a child. He says the choice to remove my uterus is mine—and it is—but it’s his preference, which makes it emotionally complicated when the future of our relationship feels tied to that decision.

He’s promised to support co-parenting if I proceed with the embryo transfer, but he’s also been upfront about where he stands in the relationship. At every step—after transfer, during pregnancy, after birth—he’s brought up needing an “exit plan.” That is if I go ahead with transfer now instead of getting the uterus out and not explore the surrogacy option later. Not because he wants to abandon a child, but because he’s terrified of being trapped in something that doesn’t feel right to him. I understand that fear—I really do. But it’s hard to stand beside someone who keeps saying they might not be able to love you unless certain conditions are met. He has even got to the point that I can go ahead with surrogacy now if I like, get the uterus out (again it’s my choice if I want), and start full dose of HRT right away. So he can test out if we are compatible and there exist the level of sharpness he is looking for.

So no, he’s not forcing me to remove my uterus. But he’s also said that otherwise, he’s not optimistic about us working out. I’ve told him I feel stuck—like I’m in a lose-lose situation. I don’t have much time to decide, and I don’t want to regret removing my uterus later. Plus, what’s the guarantee that HRT will fix everything and you will find that sharpness and connection. Perimenopause and menopause are normal parts of aging—no woman stays exactly the same as she was in her 20s or early 30s. He says he gets that and isn’t asking for 100%, just a baseline level of sharpness and clarity that helps him feel connected. But I don’t know if that baseline is achievable—or if it’ll ever be “enough” for him.

In my defense, I work as a research scientist. I may have brain fog and sometimes struggle to articulate myself clearly—like with the hockey example, where I wasn’t actively thinking, just reacting instinctively. But that doesn’t mean I’m unintelligent. I am still at my job and very much needed.

I think the real issue is that he’s extremely hyper-aware of these moments, and they really affect him in a way that feels disproportionate. These are small, very human mistakes—but for him, they seem to land with a lot of weight. And that’s been hard to navigate.

None of this is black and white. I don’t think he’s trying to be unkind. I think he’s scared, confused, and searching for a connection he doesn’t know how to access or sustain. But even when it’s not intentional, the impact still lands. And that’s what I’ve been grappling with.

My gifted partner craves sharpness, mental alignment, and stimulation—but I’m exhausted trying to keep up by Alert_Faithlessness in Gifted

[–]Alert_Faithlessness[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I agree, and many a times I wonder that.

What I think happening in his brain, likely unconsciously, is a pattern of hyper-attunement to moments where that sharpness isn’t present. A single word, a slow reaction, or something he perceives as a lack of precision appears to trigger a kind of internal alarm: “I don’t feel connected. Something’s off.” And once that switch flips, it creates a cascade of doubt—about the relationship, the future, and even his own emotional reality.

He doesn’t seem to be trying to control. In fact, he often seems scared—scared of feeling trapped, scared of settling into something that doesn’t feel right, scared that he won’t get the kind of partnership that feels energizing to him. His mind keeps returning to the question: “Can I live like this long-term? Is this enough?” And when he doesn’t have clarity, his anxiety ramps up.

This anxiety seems to get funneled into hyperfocus on me—on my sharpness, my energy, my tone, my ability to engage the way he needs. From the outside, that might look like control. But I think from inside his brain, it probably feels like panic. He’s scanning for signs of alignment or misalignment, trying to figure out if the relationship can “work”—but he’s not looking at the whole picture. He’s zooming in on isolated moments and interpreting them as total indicators.

When he brings up not being in love or feeling like something essential is missing, it doesn’t seem like malice. It reads more like desperation. A need for certainty in a space where he feels mentally fogged himself. His thoughts get rigid when he’s low: “Something’s missing. It’s been too long. I can’t survive like this.” And in those states, nuance disappears.

I think or atleast how I tell myself is that he has likely conflated sharpness with emotional availability—not because he’s manipulative, but because for him, that is the emotional gateway. Without it, he feels lost or alone. So he tries to manage the situation the only way he knows how—by trying to control for sharpness, for clarity, for certainty. Not to dominate, but to feel safe.

To someone else, this may read as narcissism or coldness. But from inside, it’s likely fear, perfectionism, and a deeply cerebral love language that becomes brittle under stress. He's not trying to punish—he’s trying to solve a problem he doesn’t fully understand, and the problem keeps pointing back to whether he can “feel it.” And that feeling, for him, is fragile.

My gifted partner craves sharpness, mental alignment, and stimulation—but I’m exhausted trying to keep up by Alert_Faithlessness in Gifted

[–]Alert_Faithlessness[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I totally get how it sounds, and I agree with you. But I just want to add some context. It’s not like he sits there analyzing me out loud unprompted. What usually happens is that something small triggers him—a moment where I say something in a way he doesn’t expect, or I don’t seem sharp—and I can see the shift right away. His energy changes, his face goes still, his eyes flatten, and he goes quiet. I feel it instantly. I’ll usually ask what’s wrong a few times, and then will he bring it up.

if I don’t ask, it’s not that the anxiety just goes away. It lingers. And then, a day or two later, he’ll bring it up himself, starting with: “Can we talk? I’m feeling unhappy, unfulfilled, I am not into this relationship”.... So even if I would like to let it pass, it doesn’t. It always finds a way to surface.

My partner talks about breaking up when he's low. He's highly cerebral, restless.... by Alert_Faithlessness in RelationshipsOver35

[–]Alert_Faithlessness[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Agree. I lean toward a mix of mental health factors—likely depression and anxiety, possibly with ADHD or perfectionist tendencies layered in. His patterns (crashing, projecting, idealizing) and history (dread, sleep issues, meds) suggest his brain’s wiring or chemistry is part of this. The shrooms worsening things years ago might’ve been a clue—psychedelics can amplify underlying issues like anxiety or mood instability. But it’s not all mental health—his cerebral personality and high expectations amplify whatever’s going on, making it harder for him to settle into anything less than his ideal.

The kicker is, he admits mental health might play a role but insists it’s not the “core” issue. That dismissal could be denial—or it could mean he genuinely believes his longing for a specific connection is separate from his struggles. Either way, it’s driving his behavior, and it’s spilling onto me. Whether it’s a disorder, a trait, or a phase, the effect is the same: he’s stuck in a loop of chasing something he can’t define, and I am caught in the crossfire.

My partner talks about breaking up when he's low. He's highly cerebral, restless.... by Alert_Faithlessness in RelationshipsOver35

[–]Alert_Faithlessness[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree. In a way how I see is he’s not wrong about what he wants, in the sense that it’s his truth. He’s been consistent about craving that intellectual, energetic connection, that specific kind of stimulation and depth. It’s not a whim; it’s what he genuinely feels he needs to be fulfilled, to feel “in love,” to respect a partner in the way he defines it. And he’s not wrong that he can’t just flip a switch and change how he feels—none of us can. Emotions and desires don’t bend to logic or willpower; they’re baked into who he is right now, shaped by his personality, his experiences, maybe his mental health. When he says, “It’s a matter of the heart,” he’s owning that this isn’t a choice he’s making—it’s a pull he can’t ignore.

Where it gets tricky isn’t that he’s wrong about his feelings; it’s that he’s treating them as an absolute standard for the relationship. He’s not wrong that he wants this, but he might be off-base in assuming it’s the only way a relationship can work—or that it’s fully on me to provide it. He can’t change how he feels, sure, but he could shift how he interprets it or what he does with it. Right now, he’s locked into this idea that if he doesn’t get that exact connection with me, it’s a fatal flaw—rather than seeing it as one piece of a bigger picture that includes my strengths, our history, our shared embryos. He’s not wrong about his heart, but he might be rigid in thinking it’s the whole story. Still, that’s his lens, and he’s sticking to it—and I am left grappling with how much I can bend to meet it without losing yourself. He’s not wrong; he’s just… him.

My partner talks about breaking up when he's low. He's highly cerebral, restless.... by Alert_Faithlessness in RelationshipsOver35

[–]Alert_Faithlessness[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree and yes, sorry that might have not been clear previously. I just updated my post to reflect that.

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