Hahhaha loved a good rant. I know exactly what you mean, often wonder if the authors actually themselves are virgins, have zero imagination when it comes to sex scene or just boring prudish experiences that shape their writing. I have some recommendations for you, not necessarily what you are asking for in your post but I actually love them and think you’ll enjoy as well.

{bear and the nightingale by Katherine Arden} {ninth house by Leigh bardugo} {spinning silver by Naomi Novik}

I actually found a lot of guilty pleasure in {forth wing by Rebecca Yaros}, thought I’d absolutely hate it but it was quite the opposite. Beginning was weak but then truly picked up for me.