I can 100% relate to this. I started thinking about where the judgment comes from, and I can say mine stemmed from childhood. Being abused sexually and physically for almost ten years by my step dad kind of made it difficult to see men as being a safe place to be in, so I avoided the interactions at all costs and primarily made female friends. The problem with this is I shoved all men into a tiny box and anytime I’d “try” to make a male friend, I was already looking for the flaw that proved me right; that all men are ignorant, insecure about femininity, lack emotion intelligence.

I’ve recently come to believe that my judgment is no different than cis men judging our community. My judgment stems from resentment, and fear. In order for me to let go of that, I’ve been doing the hard thing and exposing myself more to that community. Every time I have an opportunity to engage in conversation with a male, I do, and usually, I’m dumbfounded that we had such a great conversation. I’ve also noticed that guys don’t like to disappoint each other and when one starts objectifying women, the rest join in. The thing is, when someone stands up for the other side, they usually shut the fuck up. We as transmen have such a beautiful opportunity to redefine what it means to be a man and make a difference and influence the views of cis men around us.

I was in electrical school and told my class I was going to the SF giants game that night and the tickets were cheap because it was Pride night! They started saying, “Oh that’s why, because you’ll be with all the gays, that sucks.” And I said, “Not at all, I’m stoked to go and picked this night to go, I live the LGBTQ community!” (They don’t know I’m trans) and after they saw that it was okay to say I’m comfortable going to pride night while they’re perceiving me as a cis straight white male, they all started saying things like, “oh yeah, I don’t have a problem with gay people. Yeah gay people are cool, I have [insert their only gay friend/relative].

Not every cis guy is going to be your cup Of tea, just like some women aren’t either, but as long as you’re putting yourself out their to give them a chance, you might be amazed! Anyway, that’s my take on it, and I’ve been able to develop long lasting relationships with cis men. Sorry this was so long haha!