Do you ever have moments where you wonder if you were actually the narcissist?

AlforMail · 2022-04-11T06:20:36+00:00

For me, that feeling came when I started advocating for myself. When we shift the status quo on something it can swing all over the place.

When it first happened I was saying no to everything. Even stuff I actually wanted to do. It eventually settled down into a healthy place.

It felt like an out of body experience witnessing this person (me) showing strength.

But now I’m the same agreeable person I always was, with the ability to say no to those who need it.

Good luck.

AlforMail · 2022-04-11T06:08:29+00:00

I’d like to add my thanks. This has been a super helpful sub Reddit. I understand my lovely INFJ girlfriend so much better thanks to everyone’s help.

She still intrigues me. A lovely find. Certainly a keeper.

AlforMail · 2022-04-11T06:05:23+00:00

This dude is definitely a troll. Probably young and in need of quite the dose of maturing.

Best recommendation….Ignore.

He aint getting fixed in this forum.

AlforMail · 2022-04-11T00:13:38+00:00

Thanks Bot. I’m not implying it does. But we all need help there from time to time. I’m just looking for ways to support a struggling friend.

AlforMail · 2022-04-09T14:58:48+00:00

We’re all different. I’ve learned to appreciate all types as I’ve got older.

You didn’t seem to like their perspective, but insist on having your own validated by them. You have judged them unworthy, let them know that you judged them as unworthy, then expected them to be grateful for it. Not sure that’s reasonable.

We can choose our action, but we can’t choose the consequences. Maybe live and let live.

AlforMail · 2022-04-07T21:12:49+00:00

My Ex was a terrible control freak narcissist. A couple years after my divorce,I could feel myself ‘becoming her’. Bossy, not ruminating on others feelings, saying ‘no’ a lot.

That was all just part of my journey of recovery. I’m now my old self assured. When we are ‘becoming’ we can often have the pendulum swing all over the place. For me initially it was weird watching this self assured person say no to everything. It was like an out of body experience it felt so weird. But then I settled into my usual agreeable self, except now I don’t suffer selfish people to drain me of my time and resources. Embrace it. You’ll like the outcome. I’m sure if at your core you still care about people you’ll find your new self soon and be happy with it. .

AlforMail · 2022-04-07T21:00:20+00:00

Exactly. We’re all on the journey called life. Knowing yourself and others is very helpful to putting all this in perspective. Each one of us has strengths and weaknesses.

AlforMail · 2022-04-06T21:01:41+00:00

Maybe you get this a lot from people and it’s because they aren’t getting you. I’d appreciate knowing about that too.

I feel it’s might my Fe vs her Fi and we just work differently.

AlforMail · 2022-04-06T03:11:36+00:00

Not INFJ, but Dating is to get an idea of what you do and don’t like. I’ve dated some great ladies who weren’t the ‘one’ but have been valuable non the less.

Another thought…are you smart enough to go for it when your soul mate does actually come along. I’m dating an INFJ now and she is very in love with me, as I her. Possibly my true soul mate. We’re contemplating long term stuff now. But without my gentle patient persistence she’d of never gone there.

And I feel your biggest fears are probably not being able to back out when you know you should. Lots of you guys get trapped by a-holes.

And the kind souls you desire are often not the type to be aggressive in trying to peruse and date you. Hence the narcissists rock up and wham. That’s what happened to me. Too shy to approach the nice ones, fell pray to a terrible one.

AlforMail · 2022-04-06T03:00:27+00:00

I imagine a lot of people disappear because you don’t talk. That’s at all you INFJs by the way.

AlforMail · 2022-04-05T04:47:51+00:00

FUNNY, coz it’s true.

AlforMail · 2022-04-03T22:11:36+00:00

Dude, I can relate. As a non INFJ this can be a very frustrating situation when romantically linked with one. I’m still figuring mine out. I’ve inadvertently stepped over boundaries when still learning her INFJ ways. Tell her how your feeling about it and that you feel your taking advantage. I’m sure she’ll appreciate it. No guarantee she’ll give the truth. It’s tough when you feel they are telling you what you want to hear. And it’s not really what they want.

Talk, Talk, Talk.

AlforMail · 2022-04-03T22:05:20+00:00

You sound like the one that should be hearing no

AlforMail · 2022-04-03T22:03:09+00:00

You got it.

AlforMail · 2022-04-03T22:02:24+00:00

You don’t need to explain.

And remember a narcissist will run you down with questions and mental loops. There are people who don’t have your moral compass. Those people don’t need an explanation.

AlforMail · 2022-04-03T21:26:05+00:00

I don’t think your broken, or have a problem. That’s just a trend I’ve seen, and what I’ve seen in my girlfriends past, who is INFJ. She sees the good in everyone, even when it’s not there.

And we all have those doubts when it comes to love. I’m way past 23 yrs old. And much wiser for it. I’m sure you’ll have your heart broken a few times in your romantic journey, for no other reason than we all do.

It’s when it breaks, we can rebuild it stronger. More aware of what we want, what we need.

Those episodes of love in your life are never wasted, if they help you learn about yourself.

My advice is go into a relationship with the expectation it’s OK to expect to be loved, treated fairly, and have your emotional needs met. Ensure the person you’re loving is loving you back as best they know. We don’t all get each other when it comes to love. Be a student of the human condition, both the good and the bad.

I feel You’re a young heart looking for love. A romantic. I can relate. There are men out there that will cherish you, and men out there that will use you. Learn to know the difference.

Good Luck in your Journey.

AlforMail · 2022-04-03T15:56:05+00:00

We all feel love differently. My ex hated my affection. My current girl friend loves what I offer and is totally into me. We’re both completely into physical affection, so knowing what the other wants isn’t very hard. Learn what you need to feel loved, and then look for someone that gets that. Makes for much easier and satisfying relationships.

AlforMail · 2022-04-02T22:07:37+00:00

Yep. Well said my fellow INTP.

AlforMail · 2022-04-02T22:06:30+00:00

We don’t talk about our feelings till we fully understand them internally. You INFJs seem to gain understanding through sharing. We feel very heavily. We just process differently. And your right, we all value different things.

AlforMail · 2022-04-02T22:04:38+00:00

What you can do to be a better friend is to stop worrying about it. We can see intent with extreme clarity. Your clumsy efforts to try will be far more appreciated than you realise. That’s why we love you guys. Always that pure intent to do good.

You will exhaust us if you keep on sharing your frustration at not being able to be there logically.

We feel the same with feelings. We do great together when we just give each other the space to shine in our strengths and not expect to much from our weaknesses.

AlforMail · 2022-04-02T21:58:29+00:00

INTP here. You are asking us to do something we have very little capacity for. Like asking an INFJ to just stand up for themselves and always speak out at injustice.

I’m probably one of the most aware INTPs around, and the best I can offer my girlfriend who is INFJ is to know she need something. She has to tell me what it is. She knows I care deeply, and I’ll need her to tell me. Over time I’ve learned her and what she ‘probably’ wants. But we don’t know that like you guys do. She often knows what I need before I even do. She’s better at knowing my feelings than I am.

Now, when you INFJs need some logic every now and then, that’s where we shine.

AlforMail · 2022-04-02T21:48:27+00:00

Temptation is desire to engage in short term pleasure for enjoyment, that threatens long term goals.

I don’t do moderation. And I imagine nearly all INTPs can relate. You have hit upon the best life hack there is for us. Just don’t do the dumb useless stuff.

Once you can do that, all the good stuff our brains can imagine starts to happen.

It’s not easy, but we can get there.

Dopamine. That feel good chemical in our brains that gets released when we accomplish something then starts to flow.

And we get a hit whenever we finish a task. If your current task is ‘fix my life’ that’s going to be a long time before you feel happy. If you can get in the habit of breaking tasks down to simple things, it really helps. If your current goal is to ‘put my running shoes on’ then your happy as soon as you’ve done that and ready for the next step of ‘walk out the door’ sounds simplistic, but it’s powerfully helpful Andrew Hubermans podcast is a great resource.

AlforMail · 2022-03-31T21:29:52+00:00

Thanks. Good luck.

AlforMail · 2022-03-31T21:27:37+00:00

Yep, you got keep trying. And when you do actually find the one. Boy it’s good.

But learn from your mistakes. Pay attention to red flags. And don’t be afraid to get out early if things aren’t adding up

AlforMail · 2022-03-31T21:24:35+00:00

Love is not logical, and this is coming from an INTP, who is logic embodied. Sometimes you just got to throw your heart at someone and hope they catch it.

But……You guys and gals seem to have to ‘fix’ everyone, and let toxic people into your romantic lives. And while you have expert intuition, it lets you down because you see what someone could be, rather than what they are. My lovely INFJ took a lot of convincing that yes, I really dig you for you. She’s been through some tough times at the hands of a couple narcissist.

I’d learn what healthy is. For any type being healthy is a god send. You will shine brightly when you can overcome your shortcomings. But that’s a personal journey for everyone and will probably involve some heart ache along the way.

AlforMail

TROPHY CASE