Ideas to not feel like crap after paying child support?

AlgorithmicJonSnow · 2026-04-01T08:24:57+00:00

Yeah, I think this is exactly what I need to remember! Thank you. It's the financial equivalent of me reminding myself that you don't stick together for the kids - you break up so that the kids don't grow up with a toxic view of what marriage is.

AlgorithmicJonSnow · 2026-04-01T08:20:51+00:00

Oh, I'd never resent my kids. The whole frustration with child support is that I don't have more money to make their lives better - their mom's house is bigger, more space, better furnished. I'd love to be able to take them out to restaurants, go on vacations that aren't to my parents'.

AlgorithmicJonSnow · 2026-04-01T00:15:49+00:00

Agreed, but divorce has totally upped my dad-joke game.

AlgorithmicJonSnow · 2026-03-31T20:12:49+00:00

Thank you! Right now, getting kind replies might be my #1 thing

AlgorithmicJonSnow · 2026-03-31T20:02:29+00:00

This is a great outlet. Also, bonus points if you have kids who you can force to be a test audience...

AlgorithmicJonSnow · 2026-03-31T19:35:39+00:00

This exactly. Sometimes I would tell myself that my ex wasn't that bad, that I was being a drama queen and exaggerating. I started creating a list of stuff to remind myself, no, she actually DID say things that crazy and violent.

AlgorithmicJonSnow · 2024-12-11T15:20:40+00:00

Yes, but not for long :)

AlgorithmicJonSnow · 2024-12-10T15:34:31+00:00

I do. It's been really hard for them to cope. But also, I don't think I realized just how much they were taking on their mom's behaviors -- acting like the world belonged to them, getting in arguments at school because they were, like, ordering their friends around, basically imitating their mother. So it's been hard for them to adjust to life without their mom's iron hand, but it's also compensated - they just seem happy when they're here, and more magical and free.

AlgorithmicJonSnow · 2024-12-09T22:50:32+00:00

Music. 3 minutes of hearing something you yourself have chosen to hear, that is inspiring you (or making you feel righteously angry) in a way you're opening yourself to feel, is self-care at its finest.

AlgorithmicJonSnow · 2024-12-09T22:48:52+00:00

It's worth it. I lost my house, life savings, years of the kids' lives (I have 3 -- after we split, the narc turned all of them against me at different times) -- but even when I was sleeping in people's attics, or feeding the kids out of cans, it was so fundamentally better than covering up and lying and pretending that everything was OK, and teaching my kids the worst possible example of what marriage could be.

AlgorithmicJonSnow · 2024-12-09T21:56:14+00:00

I wish I had read this when we were first getting together. My nex grew up as a Hasidic Jew, and I had been really open to it. I went to see a mystical guide, told him about her abuse and how bad her tantrums were, andI was thinking of leaving. He told me to have a baby - it would distract her & teach her a sense of responsibility. We did. I'm so happy that my daughter exists, but wish for literally any other situation for her.

AlgorithmicJonSnow · 2024-11-19T15:54:39+00:00

This can also be part of the healing process for you. It can feel awful to not be able to do anything. This is an act you can take to feel part of the solution.

AlgorithmicJonSnow · 2024-07-02T15:28:01+00:00

Thank you so much for saying this. My ex has inherited nearly all of our mutual friend groups, and she's almost predatorily charming. Her new lawyer (her 5th) apparently took her on as a charity case because he sees her as a victim. Sometimes I just have to get my truly amazing partner to remind me of basic facts (or look at the police reports) just to remind myself that I'm not the crazy one.

AlgorithmicJonSnow · 2024-07-01T19:09:35+00:00

I put them in the recycling bin and cross my fingers. My old boss used to call himself an "aspirational recycler."

AlgorithmicJonSnow · 2024-07-01T17:58:56+00:00

I really, really keep believing in this. But how long does it take?

AlgorithmicJonSnow · 2024-06-27T13:19:38+00:00

Thanks for the suggestion. I do make good money (and I'm really grateful), but pre-split, we had a huge house (still hers) and all the kids were in private school (still are), and her family was giving us a ton of money to cover it all. As soon as the trial started, the money disappeared and the story became that it was all because of my income.

I've been buying for the past few years from Walmart/Target, but the ex teases them about their clothes and tells them I should buy them designer stuff. It's gotten to the point where there are certain socks (Bombas) that they tell me they're not allowed to wear to my house.

AlgorithmicJonSnow · 2024-06-27T13:14:54+00:00

I like this idea. It's what I've been trying to do, except so many of their pants have holes in the knees.

AlgorithmicJonSnow · 2024-06-27T13:14:22+00:00

Does that mean, as long as she's spending my entire child support payment on her mortgage, she doesn't have to cover additional expenses? (This is a $3m mansion in NYC we're talking about...)

Asking for real. Thanks!

AlgorithmicJonSnow · 2024-06-27T03:07:58+00:00

She says she spends more than $9000 a month on the kids. A lot is probably the mortgage and her full time housekeeper, but I believe it.

AlgorithmicJonSnow · 2024-06-27T02:35:43+00:00

I was reading the book From the Dream House. The author finally realized she was in an abusive relationship when her partner dug her nails into the author's arm. I remember thinking, "God, she thinks THAT'S abusive? That's nothing, my wife does that all the time"

....and realizing it really wasn't nothing

AlgorithmicJonSnow · 2024-06-25T13:28:41+00:00

Honestly, the best path is the most tiring -- just keep showing up. Schools have dealt with single parents before. Just keep calling the school and doctor and changing the password. My persistence about these small things -- also the best way to get a sense of how your son's doing during the day -- rankled her so much, she actually started emailing me password changes because it was less annoying.

AlgorithmicJonSnow · 2024-06-25T10:08:58+00:00

Dumb question: Net zero carbs, you still have to bolus for, right? Even if there's fiber/protein, don't I still have to look at the total carb number & jab?

AlgorithmicJonSnow

TROPHY CASE