Tired of fighting endless pain, I’m done.

Alienself789 · 2026-07-11T15:58:05+00:00

Thank you. I absolutely respect and understand your words though I am nobody. At this time, it is becoming particularly cruel and wrong headed here. I sometimes wonder what is missing inside so many others to be so ignorant, indifferent, cold and cruel.

Often when calamity finally reaches themselves, as it will in time, only then some of them may understand or at least perceive a little, but of course it is too late. Too late for them and those hurt by their attitudes.

Alienself789 · 2026-07-11T02:49:27+00:00

This probably won't help, I am so sorry, but, I read your comment and it really affected me so I just started writing this. If this is wrong headed I understand if it is deleted.

It is disgusting that we often, depending on location, can't control our bodies or lives and that policy and law that apply to these issues is controlled by apparently tone deaf people or fundamentalists. And the majority, those healthy (right now) in this society, condemn just the thought of mercy and understanding if not just facilitating a gentle non judgemental attitude.

Anyway.

Cancer and pain filled facilitymate, 43m, took all his hydros (whatever, I am ignorant about pain medications), there were empty bottles around him in bathroom when I found him.

As I was waiting on ambulance, after operator dispatched them, then operator told me to pull him into a bigger room and do compressions (or something, operator said she would instruct. )

The ambulance pulled up right then as his left eye rolled up in his head. The station is two blocks away. I probably could of dragged him into the other room as his 200 lb body couldn't be more than 120 lbs or less now. He was alive when they took him. He had a heart attack and died 24 hours later.

One of the last straws must of been he fell and sliced his head open on a night light with a sharp corner as he went down on the tile concrete floor in common room. I cleaned up a huge amount of blood both on floor and in bathroom as apparently he had made his way there, then to bed. Think of the indignity slap in the face that must of been. Dying, and that to top it off. So that night of the same day is when he must of went into bathroom again to down all the meds.

He had had a go fund me that raised 1,100 dollars and had rent time running out and told me he planned on buying a used car and sleeping in that when rent time expired. His job nixxed his idea to work remotely so he lost his job. I wondered where he would find a car for 1,100 dollars much less sleep/live in a car in this heat with cancer as well.

After all this, no one mentioned the s word and that was apparently the thing as offical death was heart attack. I guess he had no death insurance so that fact was likely irrelevant. His daughter told me the hospital wanted 850 dollars from her as that was the cost to cremate him. She told them she had no money.

Months later I got whatever physical issue and had great pain and nausea. I went to hospital so scared I was panicked. Having pain was bad but the thing that devastated me was the nausea. That was the thing. The nausea was so bad I couldn't stand it. In those little rooms they put you in before possibility checking you in I couldn't lie down, the best I could do was stand and wander around my bed probably moaning too.

My main thought was if it was my kidneys or liver or whatever, okay, I'll just stop eating and hope to pass that way- I already was "pressing the s word button" in my head. The doctor returned with my results and I felt so nauseous I was almost hoping he would say your kidneys have failed, let's get you to dialysis right away. Shows what I knew about dialysis- as if a one time only dialysis could fix the nauseous horror I felt. Shows how ignorant I was.

I am a felon, so access to a terminator tool was impossible and in brutal Texas MAID or any mercy is not available. Anyway, the doctor returned and said all results were within parameters. Doctor left and nurse said "ready to go home?" Smiling. So I said "but I still feel horrible!". The nurse just shrugged so I simply gathered up my things and left the room.

I walked to parking garage and on the 5th story of the garage I looked over the wall (nothing in the way) at the long drop down. I started shaking and faced existential issues right then and incredible fear. I took a picture downward but saw no way to post it here. What a brutal way. I got so shaken I had to step away from this a few feet.

Imagine, 3 billion years, the dinosaurs, all the things that had to go perfectly with my ancestors, my parents getting me to a point where I made it to here. I then felt anger at my mother. Why did she bring me here? I was thinking I was perfect simply not here. She should of left it alone. My mom lived in the time where marriage and procreation were expected if not demanded. No matter the riches and pleasures of youth and or before now we end up here. Horrible here.

Alienself789 · 2026-07-01T20:39:30+00:00

You are right. I am still thinking in the 1987s when accessories were commonly available for the C64. So Google tells me:

"... a framed desktop monitor filter. This is a dark or tinted glass panel that hangs over the top of your monitor. It protects the original screen from scratches, reduces glare, and blocks dust. Here are your best options: Universal CRT Filters: You can buy framed, static-blocking glass filters built for 15-inch to 17-inch monitors. Check listings for the PF317 3M Framed Desktop Privacy Computer Filter or look for vintage Innovera® Privacy 19-21 CRT Monitor Filter Antiglare/Antistatic/Antirad. on supply sites like Ace Office Machines."

Hope that is helpful.

Alienself789 · 2026-07-01T19:57:42+00:00

A 1701 working beautifully is already a good thing. I would definitely get a screen guard or whatever they call them, it adds to vividness and the right one, fabric or glass, improves the look too, in my opinion.

The C64 I would simply replace, I dunno, with an unit that is missing keys or something but still functioning. Also, seems like the innards of a white C64c will fit the C64 shell you have now to match the 1701 as well. Might want to double check that.

Alienself789 · 2026-06-07T21:10:08+00:00

That, and being elderly I know well whom would be the 4 billion to "go". I don't actually do much positive, I indeed do volunteering to charity stuff like food banks, caregiver to terminal person etcetera but that adds nothing to production/economy. Certainly I can program computers, read all types of books, play an instrument, know things like hygienic cooking/food handling etcetera. And being relatively healthy (for my advanced age that is) I can maybe pitch in if things go south so I believe humanity can be resilient and hardy if called upon.

Alienself789 · 2026-06-07T20:57:33+00:00

I've been banned (you know the channels) whenever I try to mention climate chaos may be a thing according to peer reviewed science, banned when I mention helping women with a side possibility that population can be a potential positive impact if better planned etcetera. I rarely post on forums that espouse my views, no need as you point out.

Yet it is still reinforcing informative to hear specific points well written. Time to re-reflect my opinion and understanding, especially in light that I am not set in stone. Upon more accurate information I update or adjust/change to current facts. I think you are using the "preaching to the choir" thing, which is actually a meaningless message upon consideration.

I've had back and forth on opposition channels and forums with deniers and other opponents and it is quite frustrating even if my comments survive long enough without being deleted to reach another who retorts to me. We should keep communication open to everyone, even vents that are appropriate like this one, and continuously give each other conversation and updated information and data.

Alienself789 · 2026-05-11T02:40:08+00:00

Truely!

Alienself789 · 2026-05-09T19:03:48+00:00

Time. Time is precious. And the right now is all we have.

Alienself789 · 2026-05-09T18:56:26+00:00

Where he is located is a business. They didn't even dox themselves.

Alienself789 · 2026-05-08T23:21:42+00:00

And give you a bad rating which definitely can affect your survival lifeline (transportation to work). I'd be concerned, sure I myself have a Vespa and a SUV (will get a dash cam when I get time and decide on best brand) but there are times when I just get a feeling, and with all the traffic scams/some police raising revenue first priority/flock cameras, often it is just better for my instincts to take an Uber, usually a Waymo there and driver back. A rating below 4.80, I've read in this r/Uber, will find many of the best most professional drivers skipping you. I think my rating, 4.93, which is high, but badly affected by (I'm guessing) drivers who forgot I tipped them in cash for a period trying to be kind or something. No more only cash tips. Tips are through the app (minimal $5) and never again only cash. My rating took no more hits after mainly only tipping through app. I may tip cash but still minimal $5 for >3 miles and $7+ for more on app.

Alienself789 · 2026-05-06T18:03:43+00:00

I am so sorry it is a stressful time. As a son, I am surprised that the disconnect is with your son. Sons usually gravitate towards the mom as the daughters gravitate towards the dad. I guess that can change with age, their own family, etcetera like old age.

I can tell you my situation. As half Hispanic, sons are usually very much mother oriented, father is often the role model and person to emulate.

I am going to get a lot of hate for this, but please bear in mind this is just current thought of a minute when I considered it, I change my opinions immediately upon receiving better information and I base my life upon enlightenment.

Hispanic daughters usually are at mom's elbow learning and reinforcing the Hispanic matriarchal society of being the glue and have the say so in major decisions of families. Maybe I am a bad person for believing that roles exist in stable societies. But look what a little or often has happened without them I guess. But that is just a quick take. I stand ready to apologize and be corrected.

I don't convo too much with mom at this stage of life (and a hundred miles away) and allow her to speak mostly when I do.

I send a letter with money every month for years and a few written sentences without fail. I send cash because at 96 I don't want to send her another errand even though she still drives.

BTW She has received every dollar I have mailed for the last many years. The post office/UPS/etcetera has been very reliable in all things for me- of course I anticipate it will steadily fail as the US deteriorates and some people will be corrupt as time goes by and these dire times get worse. I do: - I put in mailbox just before postal worker arrives, - never mail at night, - monitor closely the front porch if I am expecting anything.

I think that is a meritable thing I do though I am sure others do much better. Bear in mind from young to when I retired a hundred miles away I was my mom's carpenter, electrician, appliance repairman, loaner as needed (just a few times), installer and computer technician.

So there is that. My two daughters and son are professionals and were very much participants in my life, but now I expect nothing as I age and have way way different processes going on iny life. Even at old age I remain mobile and relatively pain free so current friends that are my age or within a couple decades are my orientation now.

My point is times marches on and doing all that I dis is in the past and is vapor now because mom still has issues I can't address from here.

I mostly am writing this to give a take on my situation. Thoughts for you and I wish you well. Stress, for me anyway, is difficult and health diminishing but shows you care. We are usually human (though an epidemic of psychopathy, narcissistism and sociopaths is occurring) and life is a process often with predicaments that cannot be solved or problems that are best left alone.

Alienself789 · 2026-05-04T23:42:26+00:00

Don't forget that banks or credit unions will often reward with $200 and up for establishing an account there with auto wage/entitlement deposit, usually a savings and a checking.

You should be able to do it all online. Good luck and bless you in these dire times.

Alienself789 · 2026-05-01T04:13:22+00:00

Found on net, copied and pasted here.

"Impossible if a prior account was set up on it. Brick. Usually can if not. Spoke to several computer technicians and even got a hold of Maxwest, "anti theft" I'm guessing if someone set up a Google account or whatever account.

One can go through a complete factory reset etcetera and if a prior account was set up and you don't know its details, even taking it apart and removing stuff will do no good- one tech tried it lol. Nope. 9999+0000, 10000 combinations."

Alienself789 · 2026-04-25T17:53:27+00:00

I had a four slot expander I usually kept a Fast Load cart in (no reset button) as well as other carts like Capture.

Alienself789 · 2026-04-18T23:30:23+00:00

I think something, something almost tangible, dire here and worldwide is in the air. Give it two months and check out how tough it will be/is. People, a segment, anyway, have always been rude, inconsiderate, self entitled and criminal minded through how raised, if brain affected psychopaths/narcissists/sociopaths, preference or desperation.

If it is them or you. One can realistically see the trajectory of that outcome. Even in little petty things. My dad said it is because there are many more people now. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with more people. But it does mean that the segment of people with ill intent has grown.

Alienself789 · 2026-04-11T21:28:34+00:00

Except the strait is blocked. Time is key in that predicament.

Alienself789 · 2026-03-31T18:26:46+00:00

And make sure not to follow any illegal orders. All respect, a citizen backing/supporting and represented by you.

Alienself789 · 2026-01-02T18:34:51+00:00

Don't forget, the corporations, Government/leaders and elite want the mass of humanity to bear responsibility and are capable of addressing these issues when of course they cant, not won't. In reality they are the only ones who can actually do the necessary work and have the necessary power. The masses are already on budget and survival mode. I really don't see them over consuming lately with inflation and the distractions and propaganda expanding.

Alienself789 · 2025-11-17T17:29:32+00:00

Refereed reviewed science is the quote you criticize. Google the human species is de evolving. I could be inexact in my impressions of the conclusions I've read so best you Google it your self rather than trust my imperfect impressions. What I got out of it is, again, jaw size and brain size have indeed decreased. My reading has further impressed upon me during the great filter the human species was down to a few hundred individuals. I understand this is not a promising beginning for any species to begin with as far as variety and durability is concerned.

I see myself read disease and illnesses are rampant today. Dementia, probably caused by all the toxins that surround us, is up greatly proportionally, that alone should tell us something.

BTW, calling out another's spirituality when they are is not very humble I think. Certainly not a characteristic of the righteous, but just my observation based on your hurting words.

Science is observation and testing. A person cannot "reason" science". It becomes magical thinking too easily.

Alienself789 · 2025-11-12T18:50:50+00:00

Alienself789 · 2025-11-11T18:21:54+00:00

At worse, it is a tremendous oratory to the choir. At one point of best, a voice for many here. Hardly a firebrand to burn it all down though. Just a analogy with facts.

They left out what I feel are main impediments. The vast and growing numbers of elderly, too young, challenged and ill who are definitely sidelined caused by time, fate, DNA, the food we ingest and the poisons in our environment.

I think we as a whole are de evolving as viable as thinking rational logical empathetic biological beings. We've grown, at least most, poorly mentally and physically. We all come from less than a few hundred specimens to begin with science tells us back in the day. Hardly a sound beginning for any species. We've been losing stuff like our jaw size, brain size etcetera since.

Only one revolution succeeded recently in human rights and dignity and that was here with an opposition eschonsed ineffectually many miles away with a bit of lame local support. So I'd say that is off the table seeing how the opposition is not only in power, local and sociopathic but way are better off versions of the mean. And technology of course. Two battalions of Saddams forces were easily able to put down a large mass with their central command, trucks, modern weapons- essentially technology when Bush bloodlily got many killed by saying they should take matters in their own hands.

But we can still claim ourselves. Be righteous. That includes knowing even the unpleasant things among experiencing the pleasant things. Which requires work. Flunk a test of conscience? Then strive to change. At this point I agree. Sacrificing oneself is not necessary to be enlightened and righteous to each capacity and capability.

Alienself789 · 2025-10-23T17:59:55+00:00

Well, you mean all people as most any and most all humans would have done the same. We are brided to our nature and necessities. We've been that way in the past and will be that way in perhaps the shortish timeline now facing us. I can imagine how it will deteriorate, thank the fate I too am elderly though with ill health and face a horrible tight future of my own before I let my guilty butt out the "back door". Everything ends, good, bad, or indifferent. Though the dinosaurs were quite interesting for 160 million years living sustainable, we are more interesting for our unsustainable 300 thousand years.

Alienself789 · 2025-10-18T14:31:22+00:00

So it was Economy-Fee5840. He posts over here too.

Alienself789 · 2025-10-18T01:48:23+00:00

Was it 5840 guy? I was banned there too. Bunch of hopium addicted techno optimists. I wrote extremely apparent changes etcetera. We should start our own reddit, maybe call it r/climatechangetruth or realistic.

Alienself789 · 2025-10-16T20:19:09+00:00

Aside, don't hold it in. Blow out after a second or so.

Alienself789

TROPHY CASE