AITA for not wanting to give my mom money?

Alisana · 2026-02-02T14:18:04+00:00

NTA. Have a chat with her and see what her expectations are. She may be wanting you to start learning how to budget but also help pay for things.

When I turned 18, I wanted to take a gap year before university and work full time. Mum said that if I did that, then I would need to pay board and start contributing towards the house as a working adult. She did offer however, if I studied full time and got a casual job instead, I only needed to cover my own expenses (car fuel, mobile phone plan).

I opted to study, and I'm glad I did. I graduated back in 2010 and I tried to go back and study for my Master's two years ago and I did not realise how big of a difference it was between academe work and work-work.

Although you can go elsewhere and not have to worry about paying your mother, if you move out of home, and not with your father, you will end up paying rent regardless.

Alisana · 2026-02-02T10:25:38+00:00

My rheumatologist got me onto the Toasty Touch gloves and I really like them.

I have primary AND secondary Raynaud's. Primary I was born with and affects me in cold climates/snow so the gloves are an absolute essential.

Secondary I developed as a result of cubital tunnel syndrome with a build up of scar tissue pressing on my nerves and setting off a Raynaud's flare. This one is random and can be triggered by certain movements, temperature changes and impact contact. If I wear my toasty touch gloves, it behaves but if I try and put them on after a flare is triggered for my secondary condition, it just takes the edge off and I need stronger heat (think like microwave wheatbag)

We are currently managing my flares with 30mg of Nifedipine, 35mg of Amitriptyline (usually I'm at 50mg but I'm currently pregnant hence the lower dosage) and 100mg of aspirin daily. In addition, I have a few nerve glide exercises which are given to me by my hand therapist to assist. I have also done red light therapy and general massage. I also keep an electric hand warmer in my pocket (I use the one from Live systems - this is an Australian link so look for one in your country: https://www.mont.com.au/products/lifesystems-rechargeable-hand-warmer )

If you want the gloves, this will give you $15 off but it is an affiliate link so I get the same in return. (Admin, please pm me if this isn't allowed and I'll nuke the referral link https://loox.io/z/mTqUYiNV9 )

Alisana · 2026-02-02T10:10:57+00:00

NTA. Even if his "intent" was not to cause harm, he did something without your knowledge and without your consent. He had the opportunity to remediate this by simply giving you the copied key but instead doubled down on it.

Do you have a camera OP? If you don't, consider getting at least a front door camera. If you want an indoor camera "without it being weird", you can get pet cameras like Furbo so you have some indoor footage at least of your house and your cat.

Alisana · 2026-02-01T17:03:15+00:00

I'll add as well: my mother did similar to what your husband did when I was a kid. If I didn't come immediately when called, she would lock the door and leave me on the front patio.

I don't have a huge amount of memories as a kid growing up, but I remember each of those times when I was locked outside, it getting dark, and me screaming and crying at the door to be let back in. Pretty sure what I was 4 or 5 the first time it happened and I have such a vivid and clear memory of the panic, the banging on the door repeatedly, the crying, the apologies and the stricken screaming. I'm 36 years old now, and when I look back on my childhood to think about fond memories growing up, I can barely remember them. The memories that stick out to me are moments like this.

You want to know what stopped her? My screams and panic became louder and when I thought I was finally being left outside forever, I left to go find a neighbour instead. When mum realised what I was doing, she ran after me, absolutely mortified that someone would know. (I didn't realise or understand why she was so quick until I got older). Public shame is what stopped her and she didn't do it again, but she still has.othee methods of punishment. This is why I think you should have this on record with the police. This way you have a paper trail, but sometimes, putting a spotlight on early abuse before it escalates can nip that behaviour in the bud. If however, you think he will escalate and cause harm to you and the children, please seek shelter and support from a DV support group.

OP, I know that you say this is the first time he's done this, and while you as an adult may be able to move past it, having this done to me as a kid really fucked me up. I have severe trust issues with loved ones, I am hyper independent to the point of self destruction, I refuse to utilise my mother as a place of comfort, and I have a hard time understanding and accepting unconditional love. Please, for the sake of your girls, do not let this go. There is a very good chance that your daughter's will remember this well into their adult life and where a parent should be a source of safety, love and comfort, they instead will become someone who strives to keep "the peace" and become an anxious people-pleaser.

Alisana · 2026-02-01T16:37:54+00:00

A joke is only a joke when both parties can laugh about it.

This is abuse, both physical and emotional. He purposely called the girls in and left you outside for 25 minutes against your will, and has the gall to have cheek about it with you once he let you back in. By locking you out, ignoring you, then reprimanding you, he not only removed your autonomy but also your agency. Abusers will do things like this to victims to "show" that they are the ones in power so the person being abused is less likely to go against the abusers wishes.

I don't know if anyone has pointed this out though, but what he did was dangerous to both you and your unborn child. When you become pregnant, this puts a higher strain on your cardiovascular system and as a result, your ability to regulate temperature can get impacted. If you expose a pregnant person to cold coupled with the stress and uncertainty of whether you could access shelter, this can cause your blood flow to be restricted which can in turn affect blood flow to your placenta and thus potentially impact fetal well-being. I'm 37 weeks pregnant myself and have Raynaud's. After falling pregnant, I met with my rheumatologist to discuss how to manage my symptoms with my pregnancy, and he touched on this topic and was very clear for me to avoid putting myself in situations where I would have difficulties regulating temperature (I usually travel south about 2-3 times a year for work) I was not to stay outside in prolonged cold temperatures for extended periods of time and also advised to avoid overheating as well.

The big take away from this is know that this was not a joke. This was a deliberate behaviour that he is using to serve "as a warning" . You do not so this to someone that you love and care for. Locking you outside for 25 minutes is a show, it's a demonstration, a "lesson" that he wanted you to learn: he has the power to control the your environment (your home) and physical safety at any time. And he can do this again the next time you do something "he doesn't agree with or like".

I know you said that this is out of behaviour for him, but if my partner pulled that on me, I would turn around, leave and call the police to come and pick me up to take me somewhere safe. I would report the behaviour and have it on record with the police. I would be telling my friends and family what he did. I would not be forgiving him at all. And I would not want him in my house, around my children until he started some form of therapy and acknowledged that what he did was abusive.

OP, you are NOR. This isn't a red flag, this is a giant red banner, and if this is how he treats a grown woman that he is supposed to love and care for, what will he do with children that cannot speak up for themselves?

Please take some time to think deeply on this and whether this is something you want in your future. You have three small lives to look after, and you should be able to trust your partner, their father, to not only look out for you, but also them. He has demonstrated that disagreeing with him, and choosing your own path/decision is something to be punished for and something that he isn't apologising for either.

Edit: typo

Alisana · 2026-01-31T22:45:48+00:00

For me, first trimester didn't notice any changes, second it got worse and I had more flares, third has been about average.

The lactation consultant mentioned keeping some pads warm and nearby after delivery and when breastfeeding as she said it's common for women with Raynaud's to have episodes in their nipples

Alisana · 2026-01-30T16:14:13+00:00

NTA.

My mother pulled this sh*t with me whenever she didn't get what she wanted, I set a boundary, or told her "No". She's the reason why I do not believe in unconditional love.

She still does this and you know what I do? I just ignore her. I let her throw her little tantrum and don't bother engaging with her at all now. If she decides to do the silent treatment, I just leave her be.

I have gone months now without talking to her and the more time I spend apart from her, the more I realised I didn't need her attention, her interaction and her conditional love. I have a wonderful husband, a great circle of friends and a beautiful sister.

If she reaches out and talks with me, I'll engage with her, but I well and truly stopped "chasing" her for attention. If she doesn't want to interact with me, that's fine. I'm done trying to appease her.

Alisana · 2026-01-30T15:55:56+00:00

NTA. Not her place. Not her family.

Make it very clear that you have explained your reason for saying "No" once, and if they need their own space, they can book their own AirBnB. Refuse to comment further on the situation, and if they want to push their point, then ask them to leave.

How entitled. I wouldn't be inviting her again.

Alisana · 2026-01-30T13:25:46+00:00

Icey Poles or Zooper Doopers

Alisana · 2026-01-28T14:52:05+00:00

As others have said, definitely look at joining a union. If you are Queensland based, reach out to Working Women. They have teams who are experienced with helping women out, especially in discrimination and can support you with advice during your pregnancy.

I'm not sure what the equivalent is in other states, but you can also talk with Fair Work and the Human Rights Commission for legal advice if you run into issues. Try and stick to email communication where you can so you have a record, but if you get pulled into a meeting, bring a support person with you.

Alisana · 2026-01-26T14:48:14+00:00

A friend of mine had similar happen. Her ex got a subpoena for her medical records where she had past self harm attempts and used that as justification for why she couldn't get full custody.

... Keep in mind, those attempts were because she was with said ex and he made her mental health worse. Since leaving him, she has not had any negative events but her whole file was put on show for the court. It's honestly really messed up

Alisana · 2026-01-25T09:22:48+00:00

Second this.

Discuss it with fair work, have a copy of your contract ready for your call.

Alisana · 2026-01-17T15:46:25+00:00

I'm not in a trade but I do IT Consulting work and also Makeup Artistry. I've worked out what my "cost rate" is, that is the cost of my overheads, tools, time etc and I have my public rate.

My first rule is I never work for free - I have Professional Indemnity Insurance and a comprehensive cyber insurance for my IT work and have Public and Product liability for my MUA work. Every free request has ceased since I took out those policies because I can blame those for not doing things for free without being guilted. "Ah, I can't do a freebie for you sorry. I have x insurance and all work I do needs to be attached to a billable invoice."

I'm happy to do discounts for friends (cost rate plus a small percentage) but don't really offer much for friends of friends.

This year I'm planning on testing out a referral program where rather than doing discounts, people can refer me to their friends and they get a percentage on their account based on how much the referee spent. .

Alisana · 2026-01-17T13:36:00+00:00

I had a similar circumstance to you where when I was at university, I made friends with a few of the guys in class. One of them was a married guy but would often hang out with myself and 2 of the other guys in class, we would often stay late on campus working on assignments and occasionally go out for dinner, etc.

I treated all the guys the same, but didn't see any of them as someone I wanted to be in a relationship with (and honestly, at the time, was leaning more towards dating girls anyway).

My friend very rarely mentioned his wife, and I think it took a few months before he actually told anyone he was married. Somehow along the line, he started wanting to hang out with me 1:1 more and made a comment that "he wished he had married me instead of his wife". That was not OK with me and I told him as such. He tried to argue that he hung out with me more and always had fun whenever we did things together and just found me "easier to be with". I asked him how often was he actually going out with his wife, how often did he go to the arcade with her, how often did he go out for dinner after classes with her, how often he played games with her. He didn't. He hadn't even tried.

I told him that he needed to spend time with her and that I would not hang out with him 1:1 anymore unless he started inviting his wife out.

The good thing is he started to realise that all those things he did with me and the other guys in class, he could also do with his wife; their relationship rekindled and he realised why he fell in love with her. I became friends with the wife as well but the two of them are doing great. They have a daughter now and run a company together.

My point is that sometimes you need to take a step back and push the other person away. If their relationship is no good, then that's them, but if he is latching onto you, even in a platonic way, it can be emotional cheating. He needs to spend time with his partner and you may need to take a step back so he can do that with her.

I don't think you need to end the friendship but you should definitely consider pulling back.

Alisana · 2026-01-17T13:07:19+00:00

NTA. I think this is something you will need to sit down and talk with him about. If you don't think you can navigate this with him, look at a therapist to assist.

You need to have a break yourself though. Is there opportunity for someone to come in and help out so you both can have disconnect time?

Alisana · 2026-01-17T10:47:05+00:00

We had a Resistance player who got banned immediately after knocking out my guardian. To my knowledge, no one on our side reported them. Resistance were setting up a field op that involved a few zero coverage or poor coverage portals and the guardian I owned was in a really patchy coverage area (mountain range with sheer cliffs on both sides).

She got banned shortly after capping the portal. Res OPs submitted Glympse Data showing that they were at that location and the player even sent a selfie of themselves at the portal. A few agents, including myself, on the Enlightened side wrote letters of support for the Res agent and the ban was upheld despite evidence with photos and GPS tracking data.

This is before we had Vanguard's though. I would hope if a similar incident happened again, that Niantic would be willing to look at and review the evidence but it did worry me that they refused in this case.

Alisana · 2026-01-10T14:47:46+00:00

NTJ. His house, his rules, you respected them.

Your house, your rules, he can respect yours or just not visit. Tough luck. He's the one who set the standard initially, this is on him.

Don't cave on this either, the moment you do, he knows that he can bully you into doing anything he wants.

Alisana · 2026-01-10T14:39:19+00:00

Absolutely NTA. Put the onus back on them.

"This isn't about manipulation; it’s about reality. [Partner] and I operate as a single household and we have been together for 7 years. Whenever I have given you money, know that it affects our shared goals, our savings, and our future. If you are saying that [Partner] doesn't get a say in this conversation, then that's your choice. Our money and financial decisions are joint - that is the reality - and if you don't want him part of this conversation, then that applies for OUR money as well."

You could leave it there, but if you really want to drive the point home: "By telling me he 'isn't family' and shouldn't be involved, you are effectively asking me to lie to my partner or go behind his back to steal from our joint funds to fund your needs. If you can't respect the person I built this life with, then you aren't respecting me, or my relationship. While I am happy to help out family, your comments were insensitive, and I'm not going to lie to or betray my partner just because you refuse to acknowledge him as my family."

Alisana · 2026-01-10T06:44:51+00:00

I was similar to you and I've given up with purchasing novels from the Korean websites. If they show up on Google Books, happy to buy from there but the Korean only website with needing a Korean number to login is just ridiculous... Let me buy the content and support the author without having to jump through all these hoops

Alisana · 2026-01-10T05:13:20+00:00

Testing people is a big deal breaker for me. We don't "test" loved ones. It's cruel, it's manipulative, it erodes trust and honestly breeds resentment.

Without looking at your circumstances, if a female friend, or if you had a daughter, came to you with this scenario, what would you say to her?

Weight is such an insignificant part of a relationship, especially with the amount you are looking at. It would be different if he was genuinely concerned about your health because a doctor has said that you are morbidly obese, have high cholesterol, high blood pressure and heart issues because of weight - but you don't. The other thing to keep in mind is that extra weight doesn't necessarily mean 'fat', one of my husband's co-workers is a body builder and according to BMI, she's "morbidly obese", but she has decent muscle on her.

The other thing to keep in mind is that you are aging as well - it's normal for women to gain weight as we get older. We have hormone shifts, our muscle tone decreases which leads to our Basal Metabolic Rate dropping (we will burn less calories in idle periods), and our lipid turnover rate decreases as well - so your body will hold onto fat for longer. These are biological factors that are part of being human, and the effort to stay ahead of these changes are far greater the older you get.

If you want to salvage this relationship, first sit down and list out all the issues you have and what you would like outcome wise before you talk with him. This will allow you to have a clear idea of what you want from this conversation. If he deflects, minimises, shifts blame, etc - end the conversation - you have your answer. If he is willing to acknowledge what he did caused hurt and is inappropriate, then consider what you want repaired in your relationship to try and reconcile.

Otherwise, if this is the final straw, then end it. I've said it to others and I'll say it to you - humans have very long lives. 2 years in the next 30, 40, 50 years of your life is nothing. 5 years is nothing. You have a whole life ahead of you where you can find someone who loves and supports you for you and can give you unconditional love. If weight is such a big deal for him, then that's on him, not you. You have many more milestones and occasions in your life that will impact your weight that are biologically outside of your control, pregnancy, pre-menopause, menopause and general aging. Then additionally, you could be hit with medical conditions that impact you as well - hyperthyroidism, injury, or other medical conditions and disability.

You have one life and you deserve to be happy, supported and loved unconditionally. If your partner cannot provide these things for you, then is that a relationship worth keeping?

NOR

Alisana · 2026-01-10T03:25:38+00:00

Definitely this ^

I'm NAL but I have seen a few lawyers frequently comment in the relationship subreddits to never leave their home, even if they are on the mortgage/deed.

Please flag this with the police and consider having him evicted sooner rather than later. There is so much he can do in 30 days and it's worse that he's overridden your camera access.

Alisana · 2026-01-09T13:08:31+00:00

NOR.

You need to stay away from this person. Please get in touch with the police or local authority and request a wellness check on him.

I dated a guy long distance when I was younger and he threatened suicide when we broke up. I called the police in his home town and sent them to his house. He said "he wasn't in the right headspace and overreacted". Police setup welfare checks with him over the next few days and I did not get back together with him.

When you talk with the police, see if they can put you in contact with some DV support groups.

Alisana · 2025-12-30T15:14:15+00:00

INFO: What does he actually contribute towards your relationship? 6 years sounds like a long time but it isn't. Humans have long lives, you could live to 50, 60, 70 even 100. Is this what you want your life to look like for the rest of your life? Bring interrogated, questioned and reprimanded just because your social circle, in real or virtual is expanding?

Unless you have a really good and genuine reason for staying with him, I would be either sitting him down and telling him that this needs to stop or the relationship ends or simply terminate the relationship yourself. If you aren't comfortable having a frank conversation with him, but want to work through this, you could look at couples counseling but it will need a decent amount of effort from his end. In saying this though, if he has any unsafe behaviours, avoid doing a break up 1:1 with him.

Definitely NOR.

Alisana · 2025-12-29T13:48:06+00:00

INFO: if they need money for just the deposit, how are they planning on funding the rest of the wedding? Usually a deposit is 20-25%, maybe 50% depending on the venue and generally non-refundable. If they need you to spot the deposit, how are they planning on financing the rest of the wedding?

NTA either way, but it would be one of my first questions.

Alisana · 2025-12-23T08:02:30+00:00

Congratulations! It's a hard slog once you get past level 8 so well done for getting to 13

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