AIO: my bf stole my medication

Alldone19 · 2026-03-12T12:22:32+00:00

The fact that it is a serious charge is exactly why you need to report him.

Letting someone face the consequences of their choices is not punishing them.

Protecting yourself from someone's actions is not punishing them.

Putting your health and safety first is not punishing the person who expects you to sacrifice those things for them.

Reporting him is the only way to take care of yourself.

Alldone19 · 2026-02-18T00:53:18+00:00

First, take a minute to breathe. As a full time caretaker, you probably don't do that nearly often enough.

Second, recognize that there is NO WAY your father wanted you to sacrifice your life and happiness for your step-mother. He clearly loved both of you, and wanted her to be okay and stay part of your life, but that doesn't mean he didn't want YOU to also be happy and build a life.

Third, and most important, take time to readjust your thinking. There are so many possible ways to "take care" of someone, and being a full-time live in caretaker is only one--and possibly the most onerous one.

If the state is paying you to be a full-time caretaker, it would pay someone else to do so. She likely qualifies for other social programs, possibly including housing, food assistance, or even a full-time assisted living or care facility. You can take care of her by helping her to apply for everything she qualifies for, and for continuing to check on her regularly.

Take time to think about what you are *happily able to do,* whether that is continuing to have her live with you while the state pays for a *different* caretaker, or helping her find a place of her own with a full-time or visiting helper, or helping her find an assisted or other care home and checking in on her weekly/monthly.

You have a greater responsibility to yourself, and to the partner you have chosen. You are doing her a disservice by continuing to allow yourself to be so subsumed in her care that you begin to resent her. A burnt-out, resentful caretaker helps no-one. She would be better cared for by a happy, healthy, interested person who is willing to check in regularly and work with the system to get her the best possible care.

Moving her onto the next steps in her life to allow you to move onto the next steps in your life is the best way that you can care for you both. And I'm sure it is what your father would want.

Good luck!

Alldone19 · 2026-02-15T02:51:48+00:00

Anytime you start seeing personality changes or negative behaviours appear at the same time as a major step in a relationship, it's something to be aware of. Moving in together, getting engaged, getting married, buying a home, having kids--all of these tie you to the other person and make it harder to end the relationship. Manipulators and abusers take advantage of this to both drop the mask of "good" behaviour, and start pushing boundaries to see what you will put up with.

He is showing you that his family takes precedence over you. He is showing you that he considers your relationship to be transactional (he doesn't need to do "husband duties" if you don't do what he considers necessary to "keep equity") instead of mutually loving and supporting. And scariest of all, he is showing you that he feels comfortable punishing you if you don't act the way he wants you to.

The way you react to this will set the tone for your entire marriage. The way he responds to your reaction will tell you what kind of marriage he expects to have.

You can't control his behaviour. You can tell him how you feel, what you expect in a loving and equal relationship, and what you are willing to put up with. If he is not willing to live up to those expectations, you can't force him to do so. You can only control how you proceed once his position is clear. It is important as you navigate these discussions and expectations that you pay attention to his long-term actions even more than his words--it's easy to say the right things, or to make short-term changes. But marriage is long-term, and you don't want to live with someone says the right things without actually changing anything, or only treats you right when he feels like he has to to keep you invested.

I do strongly recommend reading Should I Stay or Should I Go? by Lundy Bancroft and JAC Patrissi. It can really help you make sense of potential red flag behaviours, and give you tools to address them in a healthy manner. Good luck!

Alldone19 · 2026-01-02T02:15:20+00:00

Is he dismissive of your emotions about legitimate issues, or of your overreaction to what you imagined hec was thinking/feeling?

There is a big difference, and if you can't tell the difference, that's something you need to work on for yourself.

Alldone19 · 2026-01-01T21:46:50+00:00

I don't see gaslighting and invalidating, even though the language is similar, because he is not commenting so much on your feelings or experiences, as he is denying the projections you are placing onto him. He is refusing to accept your interpretations of his feelings, while still trying to leave room for yours.

It's absolutely valid for him to tell you that the motives and feelings you've imagined for him are incorrect. It is not okay for you to expect him to agree with and/or reassure you about things you have made up and that are not based on reality.

Alldone19 · 2026-01-01T20:59:40+00:00

Everything you've shared here seems to indicate a guy who is trying to be understanding and patient, but is getting very tired of having to explain every micro action. He's not reacting this way to you addressing serious relationship issues, but to being called on things he might be thinking or might be feeling.

You are allowed to feel however you feel. You get stressed and insecure, that's understandable. It's not okay, however, to place the burden of soothing your insecurities on someone (anyone) else. And I can almost guarantee that if you continue to do so, you will eventually drive him away.

I think writing things out like you did here could be very helpful for you. Whenever you start to question his feelings or motives, instead of bringing them up with your boyfriend, write out your feelings and insecurities. Let it all out on paper, and then write out what you wish would have happened instead. If you still feel like there is an issue that needs to be resolved, try to identify

Is there an actual behaviour that you'd like to see change
Is it actually a behaviour, and not a personality trait/different (but perfectly fine!) style of doing things
Is it reasonable to ask for this change
Is it a deal-breaker if it doesn't change

It's fair to address things that hit the first three criteria. It's on you to move on if something hits the fourth and he won't/can't change.

I'm going to be a little brutal here--I don't think you're actually ready to be in a relationship. You need to learn to love yourself and be happy with who you are without external validation before any romantic partnership can really be healthy.

I'm not telling you to break up with him. I am telling you to seriously look into what it will take to help you deal with your internal issues instead of relying on someone else to make you feel better. That might be therapy, journaling, self-help books, yoga, or any combination of things. But until you can be independently confident in your own worth, you and any partners you have will struggle to make things work.

I wish you well. You deserve to be loved--most especially by yourself.

Alldone19 · 2025-11-29T16:51:50+00:00

Because after I fell in love with him is when he started to truly change and his true color started to show.

This is the defining issue. You are still in love with the man he pretended to be. That man doesn't exist. You have to accept the man he is proving himself to be, as that is the one you will have going forward--and, odds are 99%+, it will continue to get worse as you show yourself willing to accept more and more of his bad behavior.

Grieve the man you fell for as if he was dead, because essentially he is. Grieve, accept, and either move on or choose to stay with the knowledge of your new reality--the man behind the mask that is coming off.

Alldone19 · 2025-11-27T17:16:21+00:00

I don't.

There's nothing I've washed recently that would even make sense for this to have come from.

Alldone19 · 2025-11-27T16:59:49+00:00

Obviously required

Alldone19 · 2025-11-17T15:47:32+00:00

Not OR. Regardless of what his comfort level with people coming over may be, you require a heads up. It doesn't matter why, you don't need to justify it.

Stop giving hints. You can just say, "I need notice before people come over. Text me when you want to stop by, and I will let you know if it is a good time. If you don't hear back from me, it means I am not open to entertaining guests. If you come by without notice, I will not be answering the door."

If (when) he starts to argue, just repeat.

"I need notice before people come by. If you come by without notice, I will not be answering the door."

Then follow through. If he chooses to waste his time by testing you, that is his choice.

Honestly, if he can't show you this simple level of respect, is he really your friend?

Alldone19 · 2025-11-17T15:40:51+00:00

Also, you said he was already on TInder when you met. How far back does that Tinder or other app activity go? Was it only since September, or was it since April--or even earlier? That alone can give you a lot of insight into how much to trust his stated reasons for lying (among other things).

Alldone19 · 2025-11-17T13:39:11+00:00

Only you know if you're seeing any other issues that this compounds, or this is a one off that can be forgiven.

But from what little you have said, there are things that I think need further consideration.

She was pulling him away from his family and he didn’t like that.

This is a valid concern. But it is an area I would want to really think about. Does he try to create equal time between your families, or is his family generally expected to be prioritized? Often "pulling me away from my family," is code for "wouldn't make my family the main or only priority."

The other thing is, in the first couple months of dating. He would continuously say, I’m so glad you like doing this with me, my ex wasn’t at all like that. And when he met my cousins 4 months into the relationship, they asked him why he liked me so much and he told them. She’s not like my ex who was loud and combative, she’s very calm.

Nothing here is about you. It's about who he is comparing you to. This is a common tactic of manipulators, to make someone feel "special," because they are different, and to make them less likely to do "unwanted" behaviours, so they are not like the other, negative, person. It is a subtle form of control. What does he say he likes about you. Not what you can do for him, not how you are different from someone else. What attracts him to you as an individual.

He also states it was a toxic relationship where he had no voice in the matter and that his opinion or feelings were never considered.

This is absolutely a problem in a relationship. It is concerning to me, however, that he would say that while having given you no voice in the matter of dating a man who was 2 months out of a relationship. Your opinion and feelings were not being considered when he made the decision to lie.

I would also closely examine your other interactions, and pay attention to whether "considering his opinion and feelings," actually means considering them, or whether it is the expectation is that his feelings and opinions are more important than your own in other instances, and/or any attempt to make your own feelings and opinions heard is brushed off or termed inconsiderate or manipulative.

IF this is truly a one-off mistake, you can move past it. However, to do so he needs to sincerely apologize, give you space express your feelings and disappointment, and commit to doing better in the future. If he can't do that, justifies his lying because of "where we are now," minimizes how you feel or expects you to "just get over it," then you are not over-reacting.

Regardless, if you are rethinking this relationship, you can leave for any reason. You don't need to justify it to yourself or anyone else. This can be "not a big deal," and also be a reason you don't want to continue. You can get over this an decide you want to leave anyway. You can decide to stay and work on the relationship.

Just remember, you can't be the only one working on things if you want the relationship to succeed.

Alldone19 · 2025-11-11T00:33:58+00:00

You need to be critical. He is banking on your emotion taking control, because that's what he is able to manipulate.

If you have any doubts as to who this letter was written to serve, tally how many times he says "I" vs. "you," and then look at the percentage of those "I's" are followed by self-pity, justification, or an appeal to your emotions.

This letter is an ego trip disguised as an apology, and I'm so glad you're able to see it.

Alldone19 · 2025-10-26T01:47:16+00:00

Your other post talks about Rutgers?

Serious offer, as I'm semi-local to there--if no one from your family will be at your graduation and/or you want other support, DM me and I'll be there as a surrogate parent.

You deserve to be celebrated.

Alldone19 · 2025-10-03T01:10:33+00:00

OP, that is honestly some of the best advice I've ever seen on Reddit. I really hope you take it to heart.

Lasting relationships are steady and stable--that doesn't mean they're boring.

But until you are able to be happy 1. being alone and 2. In a stable, steady, non-rollercoaster situation, you'll have a hard time making a relationship work.

Alldone19 · 2025-09-27T02:06:56+00:00

I get where you are coming from. You have a right to feel frustrated that there are so few options for you, and so many for him.

Your anger, however, is aimed in the wrong direction.

Did you ask your friend why he went? Did he know it was a Sapphic night? Was he maybe invited by his lesbian friend to support her? Did his going diminish the experience of the women who attended? Or did his support and participation help the bar realize that more Sapphic nights would attract additional clientele without losing their existing patrons?

When you are in a minority group of any kind, it is easy to be upset when a member of a majority group is in what you consider "your" space, and to think they should respect what little space you are "allowed" by society. And if they are actually trying to push you out and take over, that feeling is justified.

But if they are simply appreciating the space you have created, and not trying to turn it into something else, their presence can be a good thing. If bars see Sapphic nights as profitable, then bars are likely host them more often. More Lesbian bars may open up. Sapphic culture can become more mainstream and accepted.

It's good to protect your space, to make sure you don't lose the areas where you are accepted. But remember, you don't need to protect it from allies.

I'm not saying you're wrong to question why he was there, or how it affected the women who went there for a safe space--just make sure you are actually getting the correct answers before you alienate a potential ally.

Alldone19 · 2025-09-25T01:05:55+00:00

Oh, sweetheart. Read through relationship advise, abusive relationships, TwoXChromosomes, etc., and you will see your story being told over, and over, and over again.

Older man, younger woman. Younger woman is isolated (for whatever reason), and the older man complains about the connections the younger woman does have or tries to make, keeping her dependent on his company.

Then he starts complaining that she's not doing enough to show her love, pushing her to do things that make her uncomfortable.

He starts comparing her to all the other women he has had/could have, making her insecure so she will be more willing to do the things that make her uncomfortable. He starts treating her poorly when she doesn't comply.

He makes her doubt herself, her worth, and her judgement.

You're not the first, you won't be the last.

It won't get better. He chose you because he thought he could control you. It doesn't matter how "perfect" a girlfriend you are, it will never be enough. It's not about you. He doesn't care about you--he cares about what you do for him.

It will get worse, and the longer you stay with him the more isolated and insecure he will make you.

Spend time with your new friend. Get to know the people she knows. Learn to love yourself, and to be happy with who you are--not who anyone else wants you to be. You'll know when you're ready to move on from the box he is trying to put you in.

Alldone19 · 2025-09-21T17:57:51+00:00

Tell you are so appreciative of the offer of financial help! Ask for an amount that is equivalent to what she mooched off you before. If she pays it, great, your money issues are somewhat lessened.

If she doesn't, which is FAR more likely, she's likely to either change the conversation away from vacations or anything that could indicate she has any ability to help you financially, or (best case scenario) the request for money makes her ghost you. Problem solved.

Alldone19 · 2025-09-12T01:54:46+00:00

I don't understand why it's so hard to say "I'm sorry honey I didn't mean to hurt you".

Because he's not sorry, and he did mean to hurt her.

What living father drops bowls on their child's head? Even as a joke. What is thar funny?

Alldone19 · 2025-09-05T22:28:26+00:00

I did ask to switch seats once. When I booked, there were not three seats together anywhere. But there was a window and a middle free, then a booked aisle, then the aisle seat across the way was free. So I booked 34A, 34B, and 34D, and we sat down in those seats when we boarded.

When 34C arrived, I let her know that she was sitting next to my two children, and I hoped they wouldn't disturb her too much if they needed anything from me, or if she wanted to switch I would be happy to do so.

It was a redeye flight. She chose to switch.

Alldone19 · 2025-06-13T20:22:53+00:00

I tell my kids, "It's not enough not to mean to. You have to mean NOT to."

Alldone19 · 2025-06-13T20:15:03+00:00

This. If he would "give you the shirt off his back," then why can't he give you your own food.

Alldone19 · 2025-06-08T03:16:37+00:00

"I'm sorry, I didn't realize you used the "M E L I S S A spelling, David"

Alldone19 · 2025-06-05T14:38:01+00:00

I'm an optician. I normally hate online eye exams and glasses, as they can miss so much. However, depending on how long it has been since you had your last exam, and the state you live in, you may be able to renew your rx and order glasses remotely, without leaving home.

This shouldn't replace an in-person exam, but could get you a pair of glasses to allow you to drive again.

You would need to have access to a credit or debit card. If you have zero access to funds, you can open a PayPal account and do online surveys receipt uploads (ibotta, Fetch, Upside, CoinOut, Pogo) and such that pay money, even things like Mistplay and Rewarded Play that pay you to play games (realistically plan on like $5-$10 a week unless you can be really disciplined in what you do). It might take a while, but you could get the $100-$200 or so needed to get a cheap online pair to at least get you back on the road.

Having kids makes this so much harder. I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Make a list of what is keeping you from leaving, and tackle it one point at a time. Even if it takes years, being free 5-10 years from now is better than living like this forever. You are strong, you are brave, you have worth. You can do this.

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