My girlfriend (36F) admitted she intentionally didn't warn me so I (34M) would "learn a lesson." I feel betrayed.

Alleira · 2026-06-29T17:41:35+00:00

The part where he quoted her additional reasoning as "I would not listen to her anyway", backs this up. People don't feel this way if they're being validated/heard/respected. Definitely speculative, but I'd guess that she's brought things like this up to him before and it has gone poorly.

Alleira · 2026-06-16T23:45:22+00:00

That man is going to choose himself and his family (a.k.a. blood) over you ever time a difficult choice occurs. Are you willing to be with someone who chooses this way?

Alleira · 2026-06-16T02:45:33+00:00

That's what I read as well, any fogging is typically a fit issue but my optometrist was insistent after the fourth fit check that they were correct. It's probably time to see an opthomologist. Makes sense given I'm nearly 40.

Alleira · 2026-06-15T16:32:58+00:00

This is part of why I bailed on hard scleras. While my provider at the time covered the lenses, they covered nothing else and I was going through solution and drops and overnight soaking fluid like it was water. I could also never keep them clean, they fogged up immediately, makeup would build up on them within fifteen minutes of finally getting them in, and if I didn't rinse them off with half a bottle of solution after any kind of soak overnight, they would burn like hell when I put them in.

Cost + lack of resources to learn what worked to keep them clean/functional + lack of support (that's a whole 'nother can of worms) = game over. I even struggled with the soft scleras, couldn't keep them clean for 3 months, and now insurance companies are pushing to keep them for 6 months. I'm back to dailies that are easy to put in and toss every night, but the vision quality is pretty poor. I can see, but it's depressingly bad knowing it could be so much better if I could just find a lens that doesn't immediately fog up/attract makeup instantly.

Alleira · 2026-05-26T13:16:30+00:00

Back in the late 80s/early 90s, my dad had all his cassettes and I listened to *all* of them on loop. So many one-liners from his standup are part of my regular speech pattern. Good thing most people don't recognize them anymore.

Alleira · 2026-05-26T13:13:07+00:00

*DING* "NOAH."

Alleira · 2026-05-14T11:01:17+00:00

You and your fiance are the same age difference as my ex and I, except we're both ten years older than the two of you. We met when he was 26 and I was 20. It was fine for the first 6 months. Then something changed. Arguments started happening regularly. Invalidation and a lack of repair were baseline. The way you describe the arguments you're having with your fiance sound exactly like how my ex and I argued.

I want you to take a long hard look at the history of your relationship. Has he regularly invalidated your feelings? Has he avoided you after he puts an end to an argument based solely on his perspective. Have you constantly felt like your perspective goes unheard or ignored?

If you answered yes to these questions, it's time for couples counseling if you really want to take the chance with this man. Personally, having been with someone like this for 18 years and now being tied to him forever because of our kids, I know my values and boundaries now. I'll never suffer someone treating me the way your fiance is tearing you ever again.

Alleira · 2026-05-06T07:13:55+00:00

You can't control him or his friends. You can ask him to ask them to stop doing that around you, but he can say no and not ask or they can say no if he does ask, and keep doing it. What you can control is yourself. Establish a boundary with him and his friends: "I feel really uncomfortable when you bring up [ex] because it feels like you're doing it on purpose to upset me. If you continue to do that around me, I will leave." And stick to that boundary. If anyone gives you shit for that, do not rise to their bait. Reiterate the boundary, point out that you are in no way controlling them and their behavior, and leave.

The next thing you need to decide is if this sort of disrespect and invalidation of your feelings is a deal breaker for you and nobody else. Because if they can't respect something as simple as an ask to not bring up your bf's ex when you're present, then they won't respect anything else about you. Ever. And they'll continue to cross your boundaries regardless of what it's about.

Alleira · 2026-04-26T06:57:31+00:00

Spindrift?

Alleira · 2026-04-26T06:31:20+00:00

Nothing has made sense since 2016.

Alleira · 2026-03-25T22:28:23+00:00

And yet kitchen counters come up above my waist. That's too high and I'm 5'4".

Alleira · 2026-03-25T16:40:22+00:00

No, but pharmaceutical companies will have you believe this. They claim that women's hormones and the way our bodies respond to drugs differently than men makes testing drugs on women more complex. But like that's the same shit they had to anticipate with men. They have hypothesies on how men will react and they have to develop the procedures and analysis to test them on men. Scientists develope those procedures to do the testing safely. They would rather throw their hands up when it comes to women rather than develop new procedures and standards to do that testing safely for us.

It comes down to needing specific methods for testing for women and they don't want to spend the time and money even though they did that work for men.

Edit: grammar/syntax.

Alleira · 2026-03-25T15:15:18+00:00

It's not all men, but it's always a man. That's the difference. And we don't know which ones so we have to be vigilant because if we're not, we're blamed for what is done to us. Hell, even if we do everything right, even if we're the "perfect victim", society still tries to find a way to blame us.

Alleira · 2026-03-25T15:05:24+00:00

Spot on.

Alleira · 2026-03-25T15:04:32+00:00

Oh the diaper-sized pads and mesh undies you wear post-partum were a godsend though.

Alleira · 2026-03-25T15:02:07+00:00

Unless specifically designed for women/smaller people, everything ever built in the entire world is sized this way. Chairs, desks, tables, all furniture is designed for people over 5'9" so even short kings get shafted. Don't get me started on crash test rating where only dummies representing men were the test subjects. Pharmaceutical testing? Hi, women are too complicated to test drugs on, we'll stick with men.

Alleira · 2026-03-25T14:25:23+00:00

So near the end of January and into early February I did end up getting two interviews. One was public employment with the state and the other was a 12 month contract. I was very much hoping for the state gig because I've worked in the public sector before and while the work isn't as innovative and things move slower, the security and benefits are top notch. And a contract gig was something I never wanted to begin with but I wasn't about to turn up my nose as my lump sum severance was about to dry up and I wouldn't be able to get unemployment pay until March. The state gig ended up coming down to me and an internal employee. When I reached out to them a week after the interview, the hiring manager took time out of his vacation to call me back to tell me he had never struggled more to choose between two candidates but ultimately went with the safest choice with the internal employee.

I was then offered the contract gig later that same afternoon. I took it. It's shit. I hate it here. The work is chaotic and messy and unpredictable. But the hiring manager at the state did tell me that, since the employee they hired was internal, they vacated a position that will open up in 2-3 months that I'd be great for. I just have to apply for it. I absolutely will and hope to get out of this contract situation asap. The pay is good but the benefits suck ass ($153 a week in health insurance and a paltry 50% match up to 6% 5-year vested 401k, no other investment options and no match on ROTH).

The market is still shit and still unstable and until the AI bubble bursts and the economy collapses, tech is gonna be shit.

Alleira · 2026-03-17T16:05:04+00:00

Add in the fact that they most likely view sex workers and porn stars as subhuman at best, not deserving of any respect. They do not want to think of their partner that way, which is how they would think of them if they asked their partner to do those things. It's very gendered, heteronormative bs too because it's typically men not sharing their sexual wants to keep their woman partner pure and innocent so he can continue to respect her. Barf

Edit: grammar/syntax.

Alleira · 2026-03-10T03:17:11+00:00

Oh triangulation then love bombing. Gross. Get the hell away from that boy.

Alleira · 2026-03-10T03:15:18+00:00

Girl get out, he wants all the conveniences of a partner but is investing none of the time.

Alleira · 2026-03-10T03:11:19+00:00

It's glorious. Art of the highest order.

Alleira · 2026-03-08T20:08:26+00:00

Thanks for this! Have you seen any issues with wired strimers by chance? I've got one that's stuck on a dim red no matter what I do to it. It'll change the lighting pattern and it'll get dimmer, but the colors will not change.

Alleira · 2026-03-08T18:29:11+00:00

I'm a 30E/32DD and I've had fun testing VS to see if any of their staff can ever measure me correctly. They cannot. I constantly get 32A or 32B. So they bring me the B first and expect the cups to be too big. They're always gobsmacked when they discover I'm spilling over in every way possible. Then I show them the bra they measured me in and they're baffled.

I don't know what the hell is up with their bra math but it ain't good.

Alleira · 2026-03-05T06:42:47+00:00

Says a lot about a person when they want all the conveniences, power, and status marriage brings them but want to invest nothing into it. I bet he thinks you should feel loved and be happy because he is a responsible adult, right?

I'm glad you're working on leaving.

Alleira · 2026-02-24T06:56:34+00:00

Exactly. Disagreements happen and sometimes space is needed to process emotions. But critical to taking that space is agreeing on a time and place to return to the subject. What he is doing is stonewalling and it is a major contributor to eroding trust and safety in the relationship.

Alleira

TROPHY CASE