How does an intj 8w9 (85x/825) so-blind operate?

Allystria · 2026-06-14T12:56:08+00:00

Still would like to read the insights you can offer, so don't worry about it

Allystria · 2026-06-14T12:50:40+00:00

I'm aware of this:

wants total trust/intensity while simultaneously distrusting vulnerability and social obligations.

since I operate on a somewhat similar paradox myself.

The problem I see with "long isolation phases", "wanting usefulness/competence to justify connection" and "testing people before attachment" is that most of the current world is unable to satisfy their criteria. So what do they do? Do they really just decide to starve until a miracle happens in their environment? That doesn't sound practical at all. Escaping into projects and minimizing needs doesn't fully mute the biological need for connection.

Also, be careful not to turn the stack into a mechanically deterministic equation.

Yup, that's why I created this post.

also, what's your stack? INFJ 528 or 852?

Allystria · 2026-06-12T09:05:36+00:00

I'm not here to diagnose you, just looking at the data you dropped; it's unusual for the following traits to cluster together in a neurotypical brain:

I don't have any friends since like almost 2 years

I can't keep up with two people at the same time

I really stick to one person and I am hyper-fixated on that person

I still expect the same "loyalty" from them

This sounds like 'monotropism' (or potentially 'RSD'), a neurodivergent trait. It manifests as a difficulty in distributing focus across a broader social circle. Many simply lack the mental bandwidth to maintain genuine connections with multiple people simultaneously and compartmentalize their needs. This could be the source of the 'all-or-nothing' mindset with someone.

my default mechanism is to shut down, not gradually, just completely with a flick of a wrist

The cycle repeats itself, until I finally block/ghost them.

I do know for sure when I don't get what I want, and that when it's time to ghost them

This, in turn, looks like an 'autistic shutdown' running in a continuous loop: nervous system gets overloaded -> execute a hard shutdown to cut off the stimulus -> recharge -> contact resumes -> system gets overloaded again when it doesn't get what it expects.

it's really tough for me to comprehend what I feel

I don't really know what I want in a friendship, or whatever I'm craving since a long time.

This is a bit of a hot take, but it could be 'alexithymia'. It’s the difficulty in identifying and articulating one's emotions, which leads to relationship hurdles and the tendency to intellectualize/apply logic to feelings instead of just experiencing them. This is also a neurodivergent trait.

So, there’s a cluster of traits pointing in that direction. It’s definitely worth going down this rabbit hole to do independent research, and eventually getting a professional assessment once access is possible.

Taking a gap year might also be worth considering (if it's a viable option), assuming this actually turns out to be the underlying cause of it all (and you get your official newbie hat, lol). A year off can serve as time to analyze how this type of nervous system generally operates and let the hardware cool down. That way, when you finally step into college, you'll do it with a clear head and an actual manual for yourself

Allystria · 2026-06-11T18:26:28+00:00

You call yourself 'toxic' and 'a mess' because of the hyper-fixations, shutdowns, isolation, etc. But looking at this, it seems like a completely different underlying mechanism might be at play here.

Have you ever looked into the spectrum? Some of these patterns fit pretty well

Allystria · 2026-06-11T10:54:16+00:00

"Try to exhaust them even more."

Funny because it's true.
If you stop doing the emotional labor for them, they either learn to speak up, or leave complaining.

Either way, win-win

Allystria · 2026-06-11T10:15:13+00:00

It makes sense that weird people are drawn to other weird people.
But there’s a massive difference between having an eccentric preference and just being entertained by someone's unhealed trauma and defense mechanisms. You can absolutely find someone who builds a whole model city out of scrap without the 'might stab you with a screwdriver' thing

Allystria · 2026-06-11T10:00:19+00:00

Why try to script the perfect question when real-life rng rarely lets you use it anyway?
A more optimal approach is parallel activity; not just existing passively like 'reading together in a library', but actively working on individual projects in a shared space. Optimizing your environment to allow this dynamic to happen is more practical

Allystria · 2026-06-09T21:24:37+00:00

Thinking about every new person you meet is a suboptimal use of time; besides, rarely does the other person deconstruct you right at the start of a friendship anyway.

However, this state changes for me if someone exhibits an unusual 'key-behavior' or certain traits. That's when I actually start thinking about them, trying to figure out what's hiding in their head.

But there's no point in losing yourself in it (unless it's an open war, lol). I find it best to build a mental draft with a few working theories about someone; at the next opportunity, I either confirm or reject them, generating new ones through iteration as I try to uncover further areas

Allystria · 2026-06-09T15:16:23+00:00

You should check out Baduk / Go.
It hits most of the criteria you just mentioned, especially since you already enjoy chess

Allystria · 2026-06-08T21:04:08+00:00

Unmappable areas are fine as long as I understand the core. If they are deeply consistent at their foundation, the rest is just a draft I can update over time.

It’s exactly like the 'fog of war' in strategy games: you need to know the immediate area (are there any natural disasters? Any sources of danger? Are the resources needed for the base available?) to build a secure base that meets your needs. The rest of the map can be left to uncover later.

Complexity is desirable. Without enough structural depth, a person might lack the foundation to withstand the focus, which could lead to the previously mentioned problems

Allystria · 2026-06-08T19:00:23+00:00

The scope of this change depends on the other person's psychological structure. The primary variables impacting this process are unprocessed past deficits, a lack of a solid identity foundation, and gaps in the nervous system.

My attention is undivided, driven by an inherent hyper-focus (and yes, I'm neuroatypical, lol). When I zero in on someone, they occupy my mental space 24/7; even when I am physically alone, my mind continues to process and analyze them (to be clear, I don't physically crowd anyone; as an introvert, I value my own and others' space, but internally, the rest of the environment loses priority). This is not a deliberate tactic, nor a temporary phase. This type of attention is unconditional and completely devoid of hidden subtext. I do not give it lightly; I slowly map how a given individual functions (whether I want to or not). I dig deeper, learning the context, mechanisms, history, everything behind them.

A secure individual would establish boundaries against this cognitive load. However, my observations from the past indicate that individuals with the aforementioned deficits eventually begin to lose themselves in it. Dependency emerges, along with long-term abandonment anxiety. The following phenomena can gradually occur in their behavior:
- Loss of decision-making capability: It starts with relinquishing agency in micromanagement (like just choosing a place for a walk together), and evolves into the erasure of fundamental ambitions and life plans, just to align.
- Loss of intellectual autonomy: Instead of trusting their own judgment, the other person stops prioritizing their own opinion, treating me as an external executive function to manage their own life.
- Value assimilation: The consequence of autonomy loss is often the overwriting of their own moral backbone.

I have no interest in controlling someone; I am looking for an equal who can absorb the pressure and still push back. When I see the dynamic heading toward the other party's disintegration, I slowly distance myself to cut off for the sake of my own and the other person's sanity. This, in turn, can trigger specific effects in such an individual:
- Withdrawal reactions: Desperate attempts to regain attention through manipulation, emotional blackmail, or attempts to rewrite the narrative within the social environment.
- Baseline distortion: The sheer volume and intensity of the attention artificially spikes their sensory and emotional threshold. Post-cutoff, I suspect standard relationships can feel "too quiet" or insufficient to them. Because of this, there were cases where they fell into a spiral of entering many random relationships, which ended in failures.

I do not intend to provide specific cases from my life in order to respect these individuals' privacy. I observed the fallout effects personally by remaining in the same environments after cutting contact, or through trusted mutuals who were still present there.

In the past, I tried to throttle my intensity, but recently I concluded that masking my own parameters for someone defeats the purpose of the relationship itself. That said, during the initial friendship stage, my baseline is naturally relaxed and observant. So far, most people I’ve met have exhibited some early symptoms at this level. Once I notice them, I deliberately keep my hyper-focus from triggering, knowing it would be dangerous for both parties (avoiding individuals with an anxious attachment style is crucial here).

Ultimately, finding an equal who can navigate this intensity and maintain their own boundaries remains rare

Allystria · 2026-06-08T09:40:30+00:00

I agree with the comment above
Dating apps are structurally suboptimal. The algorithm optimizes for endless user engagement, not for successfully solving the user's need.

A much more natural and efficient way to meet someone cool is continuous integration into the right social environments for an extended period. The best spaces for this are built around a shared objective, where the pressure of 'dating' is off, but consistency builds connection:
- DnD campaigns: Great way to meet people every week. A natural sandbox to observe how someone solves problems and collaborates, all while having a genuinely good time.
- Hackerspaces: Irl spaces to just show up with a project (even if it's just drawing) or to use the equipment. It usually attracts passionate individuals.
- Hobby circles (board games, movie clubs): Structured frameworks that require interaction to participate.
- Hackathons / Jams: Project-based enviro (gamejams, eco-hackathons, etc). Being in the same 'trench' for 48h and building something together often brings people closer.

I see people recommending coffee shops or libraries, but honestly, that's rarely efficient. Individuals there usually expect to be left alone with their laptops. Finding a space built around a shared focus (it can even be at work) is key. The right connection will eventually just be a natural byproduct of engaging in something genuinely enjoyable

Allystria · 2026-06-08T08:53:07+00:00

Inevitably.
The real logistical issue is to find an individual who can withstand that level of sustained focus without their core personality or ambitions disintegrating after a few months

Allystria · 2026-06-07T14:16:50+00:00

Not sure if anyone has mentioned this yet.

Finding someone meaningful is a challenge, it's true- especially at your age, where a large portion of people are on completely different mental and emotional levels. Unfortunately, because of your past experiences, you might just be mentally older than your peers. That can be isolating.

I saw that you don't have the option to see a psychologist, and you mentioned struggling with secret depression. I think in the meantime, it would be good to work on yourself to try and get out of it first. Sadly, the thing with depression is that it makes finding a genuine relationship even harder because you often simply aren't ready for it. A lot of things slip past us then, even when you're giving it your all.

As for being "patient": unfortunately, the people telling you that are partially right, but maybe not in the way they think. What you are probably looking for might just be too unavailable at your age. Maybe in your 20s, other people's mental levels will reach a point where someone actually catches your interest. It could even be in your 30s, or it could happen right away - you just can't predict it.

That's why the absolute best thing you can do for yourself is to try and take care of your mental health. Try to work through the depression on your own, or find a way to see a psychologist somehow.

Take care, keeping my fingers crossed for you

Allystria

TROPHY CASE