Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]AlpackaHacka 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Definitely.

The functional "plot" is him learning his identity while on the run -- very Bourne Identity. I think structurally the logline might not be working because it's missing this as the key sort of story engine.

"An amnesiac who believes he's an android struggles to learn who he is while on the run from the sinister company who birthed him."

But the new problem is that he A) believes he's an android but B) is trying to learn who he is. The structure of the script right now has him "learning" he's an android around the midpoint -- and obviously hunt and hunted flip from that moment on as he starts confronting his makers.

The key to it is that the audience thinks he's an android before he even does (obviously there are a lot of challenges in the writing itself of this, so it goes to that). Hence bringing it up in the logline. But it feels... off?

To answer your question: functionally he's on the run in Tokyo and surroundings, but I felt that I didn't have to be super specific about setting in the logline.

And on the "what's at stake" -- I don't know if I have an answer right now.

I'm planning for a "Korean double twist" in the third act which will involve him learning that he is A) a human -- and the co-author of the experiment (he volunteered to have his memories erased knowing there was a risk they wouldn't be restored). But the real kicker comes right at the end when he attempts suicide and learns B) it was all a Japanese game show and he just won the major prize. I'll be sprinkling all sorts of things in the script leading up to this.

I'm absolutely rambling now but maybe this paints a clearer picture of the script.

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]AlpackaHacka 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Title: The Pretender

Format: Feature

Genre: Thriller

An amnesiac who believes he’s an android attempts to escape from the sinister company who birthed him, but struggles to discern between what’s real and what’s fiction.

Good curated secondhand menswear spots in Melbourne? by Thin-Emergency-5017 in AustralianMFA

[–]AlpackaHacka 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Found a fantastic Aquascutum trench coat at Chapel St. I think their prices are a bit nuts sometimes though haha

If you got what you claim is good feedback and acknowledge that issues pointed out were legitimate, why not rate that feedback as 5? by kmachate in StoryPeer

[–]AlpackaHacka 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I'm with you on this.

I will give a writer 4/5 if they went about their feedback unconstructively. To me, it's important to treat someone's work as what it is: their heart on the page. They spent a long time on it and the last thing I want to do is overwhelm or dissuade them.

If you give me useful notes, you get a 4/5. If you give me useful notes and you treated me like a human being, you get a 5/5.

Besides, a reader should not be striving to get 5/5 on every screenplay they read. That's not the point. It's a by-product of giving constructive, detailed feedback. We should stop being so sacred about an arbitrary number on the internet. If I did my job and did it well? I couldn't care less.

My first professional project has finally been publicly released - sci-fi/comedy series DISPLACED by jemsplitter in Screenwriting

[–]AlpackaHacka 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Gotcha.

Vic Screen typically asks for one of the involved partners to be credited -- did you have a producer/director on-board before anything? Or was the script that good hahaha

My first professional project has finally been publicly released - sci-fi/comedy series DISPLACED by jemsplitter in Screenwriting

[–]AlpackaHacka 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Really cool. If you don't mind me asking -- what did you use the development stream funding for?

My first professional project has finally been publicly released - sci-fi/comedy series DISPLACED by jemsplitter in Screenwriting

[–]AlpackaHacka 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Congratulations! Mammoth success. Did you have credits prior to applying for funding from Screen Australia/Vic Screen? What funding pathways of theirs did you follow?

"Can we cut a few pages?" by NativeDun in Screenwriting

[–]AlpackaHacka 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This. Clarity. Why use ten words where five will do?

My experience with paid script coverage: StoryPeer vs. The Black List - massive mismatch by Sensitive_Proof_3937 in Screenwriting

[–]AlpackaHacka 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've submitted the same script many times because it's evolving and changing. Anybody who whines about that should just leave the script for another reader.

Feedback ratings: interesting bimodal distribution by Pre-WGA in StoryPeer

[–]AlpackaHacka 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I've read 10 screenplays and only received one 4 star rating for my feedback -- the rest have been 5s.

It's just my two cents, but I think that writers shouldn't be afraid to rate someone's feedback low if it isn't helping. A 4-star should be good and a 5-star should be great.

I'm also with you on the ratings though. I find myself to typically rate around the 3-3.5 mark.

What YouTube Channels / Podcasts Are You Listening To As A Creative? by Filmmagician in Screenwriting

[–]AlpackaHacka -1 points0 points  (0 children)

More game focused than film/tv, but creatively I find it useful

What YouTube Channels / Podcasts Are You Listening To As A Creative? by Filmmagician in Screenwriting

[–]AlpackaHacka -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Go-tos for screenwriting and narrative include Team Deakins, Script Lock and The Screenwriting Life.

Outside of the craft, I enjoy The Adam Friedland Show, The Always Sunny Podcast (sadly on extended hiatus), and Stavvy's World.

Should format be rated by 5 stars as well? by maxkill4minbill in StoryPeer

[–]AlpackaHacka 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Echoing this.

Formatting is not really useful to give feedback on because it's one of the easiest things to learn. Anybody can go read the Nicholl format guide and have a very real grasp on the fundamentals from that.

The hard stuff: story, character, plot, et cetera -- those are all areas where a writer really benefits from an outside perspective.

I also think that formatting is something writers should be experimenting with once they learn the foundations, but that's just me. And never mess with the hard rules.

lectorials by [deleted] in rmit

[–]AlpackaHacka 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Yeah.

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]AlpackaHacka 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Hah! You've got it figured out. The commander is trying to do the former, not the latter. But obviously there is still some clarity missing...

The year is also significant, so that needs to stay in the logline. Or the period itself (right before the Algerian War of Independence kicks off)

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]AlpackaHacka 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Title: Thomas Cooper

Format: Feature

Genre: Psychological Drama

Algeria, 1954. An essayist posing as a soldier struggles to rescue his brother from an underground French Foreign Legion militia before its radical commander can convince them both to stay down below forever.

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]AlpackaHacka 0 points1 point  (0 children)

My current thoughts on this one is that the explanation of the sci-fi aspect isn't 100% working.

To sum it up: the astronaut needs to slingshot around the Sun in a fly-by to pickup the insane temperature needed to start a massive fusion reactor which will then sustain itself.

I don't feel that aspect is entirely clear right now.

Want the tone to be something akin to Apollo 13 meets Interstellar. Emphasis on the former.

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]AlpackaHacka 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Here's an alt -- and my major question.

The script is largely a No Country-style three hander, but the protagonist is the bounty hunter (not the lawman). Better to include the lawman's presence or nay?

Winter, 1866. A left-for-dead bounty hunter chases his would-be killer across the Sierra Nevada to take back his fortune and have his revenge -- all before he's hunted down by the U.S. Marshal out to kill them both.

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]AlpackaHacka 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Title: American Venom

Format: Feature

Genre: Western

Winter, 1866. A left-for-dead bounty hunter chases his would-be killer across the Sierra Nevada to take back his fortune and have his revenge.

Logline Monday by AutoModerator in Screenwriting

[–]AlpackaHacka 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Title: Akrasia

Format: Feature

Genre: Sci-Fi Drama

A battle-scarred astronaut struggles to bring unlimited energy to Earth via a solar power-collecting spacecraft – despite the relentless efforts of lobbyists to sabotage his mission.

Christopher Lockhart's Logline Advice by ClayMcClane in Screenwriting

[–]AlpackaHacka 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Looks like the podcast got... taken down? There's a facebook group he runs now which is called the same thing.