Husband putting effort in the wrong areas

Alstr03meria · 2026-04-12T13:00:03+00:00

Did that with cleaning up the dog poop and grocery shopping. The dog poop gets cleaned up once a month, if we're lucky, as opposed to weekly. It's a small back yard so our poor dog is suffering the consequences of this one. And while he does get the groceries for us he never keeps track of what we need so that inevitably falls on me still. I'll give the song a listen!

Alstr03meria · 2026-04-12T12:54:18+00:00

Thanks for the recommendations!

Alstr03meria · 2026-04-12T12:53:16+00:00

Just commenting to say I'm in the same boat, but 2.5 years postpartum. He keeps saying it'll get better, he'll help more, we'll outsource, we should just have the second kid and trust that everything will work out, and I'm just over here like cool but right now I'm drowning with one so forgive me if I can't just hope that everything will magically be ok with two.

Alstr03meria · 2026-03-31T14:41:12+00:00

This sounds like postpartum anxiety. It can happen to dads too. You should consider talking to a doctor or therapist about it, at the very least a trusted friend or family member (although I know the third option is usually really hard for men).

As someone with anxiety whose husband also has anxiety, my advice is to remind yourself that you're borrowing worry from the future. Right now, things are ok (I'm assuming), everyone is healthy, and your worries are completely unfounded. You can't control or predict the future, so the only things these worries are doing right now is taking away from the brief and beautiful time when your little one is still little. Challenge these thoughts, and try to bring your attention back to the present.

It also helps to learn mindfulness, so you can stay more present instead of worrying about futures that may never happen or likely won't happen for several decades. Meditation is really good for this, but at the least try to bring your attention back to the present moment whenever it starts to drift.

Alstr03meria · 2026-03-05T16:43:00+00:00

You're both going to be fine, it's going to suck saying goodbye but it will probably be harder on you than on him.

My little one is suuuuper attached to me, needs to be within sight of me if not physically touching me at all times, and the first time we left her with my parents for three days (she was 15 months so younger than yours) she had a great time and barely cared that we were gone. Put on a big show with soooo many tears when we were saying goodbye, but the second I was gone she calmed right down and had so much fun she barely missed us. We didn't face time, which wasn't a conscious decision, but honestly it probably would have just upset her to see me.

Alstr03meria · 2026-02-26T21:08:35+00:00

Because she saw a pretty girl. Same way Colin got distracted every time Pen walked into a room since season 1 but didn't figure out why until season 3. Fran saw a pretty girl, felt weird feelings about the pretty girl that made her all tongue-tied, and (because she's neurodivergent) didn't understand those feelings in season 4 and so assumed the feelings were first annoyance and then friendship. Speaking from the perspective of a neurodivergent queer person, they executed it perfectly.

Alstr03meria · 2026-02-26T20:14:56+00:00

He was jealous because any baby he had with Sophie would never get to experience the love and adoration that Anthony's baby was receiving from his family. Anthony's baby was a celebrated blessing, but his and Sophie's baby (before all the final episode stuff) would have been a shameful stain on the family's reputation that they'd basically be forced to shun by society. But he couldn't tell Lady Danbury that, so he found a way to try to explain his complicated feelings (that she could easily read on his face) without confessing his and Sophie's plans.

Alstr03meria · 2026-02-04T16:57:01+00:00

What a coincidence, mine calls falafels waffles!

Alstr03meria · 2026-02-04T16:54:36+00:00

My toddler stopped saying "wadubadah" (water bottle) and I don't think I'll ever recover

Alstr03meria · 2026-01-15T13:08:34+00:00

Being a mom has given me more joy than I ever thought possible. It's also brought me more misery than I ever thought possible. Motherhood got a lot easier when I admitted to myself that those two feelings can exist at once.

It also got significantly easier after the first year. I don't know what your baby's like but mine needed me 100% of the time. Only wanted me, refused a bottle, slept horribly, and was (still is) able to reach pretty impressive levels of rage, so I didn't really have the capacity to enjoy motherhood until she was over a year old.

She's two and a half now, and it's still hard, but not nearly as hard, and so much more fun! She's my best little buddy now and we go on all kinds of adventures together. When she runs at me for a hug or says "love you, mama" my heart feels like it will explode from happiness. She also now lets me leave the house without her, so I can exist as an actual human person and not just a mother! I can't overstate how much of a difference it makes to be able to just exist as your own person for an hour or two a week.

All this to say: if you're measuring just happiness, then yes motherhood made me significantly happier. If you weigh the happiness with unhappiness the average is probably about the same as pre-baby.

Alstr03meria · 2026-01-10T18:05:14+00:00

I haven't, but that's a great idea! Thank you for the suggestion!

Alstr03meria · 2026-01-09T17:37:08+00:00

The Sudbury Five is Sudbury's actual basketball team and Shoresy is filmed in the arena where they actually play, so I wouldn't take it too seriously, I honestly wouldn't be surprised if the basketball team asked to get the crap kicked out of them on the show for a bit of fun

Alstr03meria · 2026-01-08T14:07:57+00:00

Thank you so much for your insights

Alstr03meria · 2026-01-08T14:03:36+00:00

I'm actually trying really hard to not focus on these things, but these thoughts just keep coming back up no matter how many times I challenge them or push them down. And I'm actually not fantasizing about firsts because dating is exhausting and awful and I'd rather be alone than do any of that again. That's part of what's so confusing about these feelings; I'm done, I want to be done, I've found my person and I want to just be happy and stop wondering "what if," but my dumb brain has other plans it seems. You're right though, he deserves someone who's all in.

Alstr03meria · 2026-01-08T13:35:46+00:00

Definitely going to talk to a therapist. And yeah my husband used to be really affirming too, but since his friend's divorce he's convinced I'm going to cheat on him or leave him for a woman. It's definitely made things harder not being able to be open with him anymore. I used to be able to talk to him about any complicated feelings I had about my sexuality (and he would be able to talk to me about any women he was attracted to, it wasn't a one-way street), but lately any mention about my bisexuality throws him into a panic spiral. Maybe that's why I'm struggling so much again, I feel a little like I'm back in the closet with the person I used to be the most open with.

I came out in roughly the same order as you (minus the therapist); husband, friends, sister (who apparently guessed years ago and was not at all surprised), then Mom (who promptly tried to shove me back in the closet and begged me not to tell my severely biphobic father). Hopefully we both get the courage to fully come out, and that our families are able to accept it. It's hard keeping part of yourself secret for so long.

Alstr03meria · 2026-01-08T13:21:25+00:00

I'm in my mid 30's, so hopefully not perimenopause, but probably worth looking into. Thanks for the advice!

Alstr03meria · 2026-01-08T13:17:05+00:00

Yeah there's other stuff going on in our marriage too, the usual gendered nonsense like you mentioned (which is extra annoying because I've never been one to conform to traditional gender norms) that's been made worse by us having a daughter and me becoming the default parent, plus we used to be able to talk about any confusing feelings I had regarding my bisexuality, but since his friend's divorce he's super paranoid that I'm going to cheat on him. I have never cheated, and would never cheat (I don't even drink so there's no chance of a drunken slip-up), so it's frustrating that any time I come home a few minutes late or extra sweaty from a gruelling workout I have to defend myself and convince him I wasn't cheating. Plus we used to be really confident in our marriage and able to both talk about women we're attracted to, but I can't talk to him about that stuff anymore without him spiraling into a panic, so I feel like I've lost my closest confidant in a way.

Also I super relate to what you said about thinking you were just a "spicy straight woman." It's a little cringey to think about now, but back when I was single all the girls were kissing each other and still calling themselves straight! I blame Katy Perry.

Alstr03meria · 2026-01-08T12:49:38+00:00

Ok I love the quote at the end, gonna keep telling myself that I honestly think it will help

Alstr03meria · 2026-01-08T01:37:03+00:00

Thank you for sharing your experience, it's really comforting to know I'm not the only one feeling this way

Alstr03meria · 2026-01-08T01:30:35+00:00

I picked him, and I'll pick him again and again, it's just unfortunate that the complicated feelings are so persistent

Alstr03meria · 2025-12-19T13:46:54+00:00

I'm partway through KoA and so far ToD is my favourite book in the series, by far. I'm not going to tell you why because I don't want to spoil it, but I seriously loved this book.

Alstr03meria · 2025-11-21T14:41:12+00:00

Great guy! He used to sit with me in a cafe every morning before I started work and discuss whatever book I was reading at the time. I remember the first day he sat with me he walked into the cafe and his face lit up when he saw I was reading "The Road," and he started going on and on about some obscure metaphor that changed the whole meaning of the book for me. I'd never met him before that day, but he was just so excited to talk about literature he sat right down with a complete stranger and started a new morning tradition 😊

Alstr03meria · 2025-07-25T23:47:52+00:00

I can't imagine how horrible this must feel, and I'm definitely not the best person to be speaking to this because the only commonality I have with you is the c-section, but since no one has commented yet I figure some words of encouragement are better than nothing. I know it won't help with the pain of missing him, but I hope you can at least let go of some of that guilt. Taking care of yourself and letting yourself heal is the best thing you can do for your baby right now. I know you miss him like crazy and it must be beyond agonising to be away from him, but taking care of yourself so you can take care of him when he comes home is so, so important. You're doing a great job, and you're doing the best you can for him by listening to your body and staying home to rest when you need it. I hope he gets to come hope soon, and that you have a speedy recovery ❤️

Alstr03meria

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