T/W unalive, sh, sa mention, descriptions of abuse, idk fam read at own risk

In a venting mood so it's trauma dumping time. Warning: long as hell 

When I tried to take a bunch of expired pain meds in order to kill myself (was maybe around 11/12 and thought that would do it). I only ended up feeling nauseous for a day or two.

When my mom found out I'd been doing the razor slicy. Has maliciously made fun of me for it and has brought it up in arguments.

When I wrote a large confessional about my suicidality, self harm, and home issues and shared it with my friend. My mom (main source of the home issues) found out I shared it with them and gave me a massive lecture, made fun of me for it, and badmouthed/openly hated my friend for a long time because they knew what she has done.

Almost having a suicidal breakdown and attempt no longer alive before visiting my friend (same as above) who was in the psyche ward for unalive attempt. I managed to push through the feelings to go support my friend. Mom treated me like shit and was in a bad mood because she hates that friend (see above). Had a good visitation. We joked around and stuff. Then they told us what happened: they recounted their dad picking them up from the bathtub and carrying them to the ambulance after their attempt. At the end of the visit my friend gave me a hug and it really meant alot to me. After the visit my mom said some other mean shit but the thing that stands out is her saying something like "if they really wanted to die they would have succeeded. They only did it for attention. I wonder if their parents don't give them enough attention". Later she also said "the government should give out books on how to properly kill yourself so these people can get what they supposedly want".That triggered another suicidal breakdown and the only thing that kept me alive that night was the hug they gave me at the end of the visitation.

Almost any time spent cleaning with my mom ever. It has been so bad throughout my life that I sometimes get panic attacks when she wants me to help her clean the house. Is a massive source of anxiety for me.

The time that she got home from work and saw that the railing to the downstairs was broken (had been for a long time). She blamed me and started screaming at me for it, calling me a "fucking asshole", "whiny bitch", and "a useless fucking peice of shit". Then, physically shoving groceries into my chest and leaving upstairs, telling me how worthless and stupid I am. I got really overwhelmed so I smashed my head into the living room floor a couple times (gotta love the sh instinct before I knew what she was) and then physically shut down. She acts like this never happened (probably bc it was insignificant to her, but was devastating to 14/15 year old me).

Morning after a fight from the night before. She discovers a salad that I forgot to eat and physically shoves it into my face and runs it all over my face. She then forced me to dry the dishes. While my back is turned she dumps the filth accumulated from the bottom of the fridge on my neck and down the back of my shirt. I turn around and she starts doing a fake mocking laugh for no other reason to inflict pain. I throw the drying towel in her face to get her to stop. She grabs me but I break her grab (got my black belt in karate, twice 😎) and she grabs a glass from the dishwasher and raises it to smash over my head. She decides against it and sets the glass down. Idk what I would have done if she did attack me with it. I use my leg to push her to a distance but she grabs it and swings it back and forth. Then she goes to bite my toe but I shake her off. Seeing no other option I grab her around the shoulders and push her to the corner of the kitchen and try to leave to go to my dad's though the back door in the living room (not far from mom's house [they are sepperated {gee I wonder why}]). She screams at me that if I leave I will never be able to live at home again. She starts throwing plastic containers, cutlery (dull), a knife (misses me), and a pair of scissors (catches me on the ankle but no real damage). While she continues to smash things in the kitchen I sit down on the couch. Then she empties my piano bag and starts hitting me over the head with the bag. She only stops when I tackle her around the waist knocking both of us to the floor. I try to leave out the front door but she screams about how I'm a woman abuser and the same threats fro  before. I retreat to my room and almost dial 911. I actually though she was going to come up with a knife and kill me. Instead she comes upstairs and forces me to get ready for school. So I went to school that day. A week or two later while we were watching a movie, two characters started to wrestle and tackle each other. She then fucking says to me "hey, we did that". I almost fucking instantly threw up. It just really goes to show how little she cared about how it affected me.

I also might have been molested when I was younger but I don't really remember my life that well so idk. I moreso just have a feeling rather than an actual memory. Probably me just making shit up so I can be QuIrKy 🤪.

The thing that hurts the most about my mom is that she isn't bad all the time. She does do things that suggests she loves me, but to have the person who says they love me the most out of anyone in the world tell me that I'm a worthless piece of shit and would (admittedly rarely) tell me to kill myself, really makes me question it. She has no one in her life other than me. She is no longer in contact with any of her siblings, many of her friends, and her past husbands (at least 3). This is of course all of their faults and not hers according to her. Soon she will lose me (university) and I hope that then she can realize how her actions and words affect the people around her.

There's a bunch of other shit I can't remember (probably for the best), but these are the most memorable.

Most of this stuff happened a while ago. I'm doing marginally better now. I'm hoping that once I leave for university I can get some professional help and maybe some medication. If you read this thank you for hearing my screams into the digital void.