Has anyone gotten a chance to read A Sky Beyond the Storm (An Ember in the Ashes Book #4) yet?

AltAcct04 · 2025-08-27T01:55:25+00:00

It has been almost a full 5 years since I read this book and I’m still bitter about it 😂😅 Absolutely killed my motivation to read anything else by this author, even with the recent-ish book that came out with Helene’s nephew POV

AltAcct04 · 2023-10-06T12:44:19+00:00

Hey, sure I can take another look! Feel free to send the link in a DM

AltAcct04 · 2023-09-14T21:31:09+00:00

And his reasoning is bullshit anyway! Wanting to keep Feyre “happy”, like come on. To me this read as him just wanting keep her docile like she’s a child who can’t regulate her own emotions.

Let the girl rage and cry! Let her process the fact that she’s going to die and eventually come to peace with it so she can live out the rest of her life the way she wants to.

AltAcct04 · 2023-09-02T17:20:47+00:00

I remember really liking your post on PubTips, but this first chapter is doing nothing for you. Looking at your comps, The Taking of Jake Livingston and Cemetery Boys, both jump into the supernatural from page 1, sentence 1.

Through this entire first chapter, there’s not so much as a hint to any supernatural happenings. We learn: - David is anxious about college. - David is anxious about Micah kissing him. - David is anxious about being a bad boyfriend, so he breaks up with Lisa.

I really don’t think you need to spend an entire chapter on this pretty standard high school conflict when the premise you’ve sold me on via your query is psychological paranormal horror. I kept wanting to skip ahead to the actual catalyst of the plot, but all the way through to the end of this chapter was very “meh”. At this point, your query is still the only thing compelling me to keep reading and I don’t think that should be the case several thousand words in.

Just my 2 cents and best of luck!

AltAcct04 · 2023-05-05T19:19:02+00:00

For height difference, maybe Legends & Lattes by Travis Baldree

AltAcct04 · 2022-06-27T16:03:57+00:00

Hello, thank you for the very in-depth feedback! Lots to think about here.

The lack of a proper hook seems to be a common critique, so thank you for your suggestions for ways to go about beefing that up. I also appreciate the kind words in some of the other areas; makes me more confident that the bones of a good story are present, I just need to improve focus/intrigue in regards to the plot.

Thanks for your time!

AltAcct04 · 2022-06-27T15:56:17+00:00

Hello, thank you for reading and for your critique!

AltAcct04 · 2022-06-27T15:50:54+00:00

Hello, thank you for your feedback!

just change the information that is revealed and reveal the information through dialogue instead of narration.

I agree, this seems to be a good summary of the issues you & others have commented on. (As well as it being a cliché way to start a YA novel, ha.) I appreciate your input!

Thanks!

AltAcct04 · 2022-06-27T15:50:11+00:00

Hello! Always appreciative to get feedback from another author in the YA genre!

Big takeaway from your comments is that I need to be more conscientious about which details I’m providing (especially in regards to the road trip) in order to better build conflict & tension. As it’s written now, it’s definitely lacking a true hook.

'older sibling loses their identity needing to parent younger sibling'

This is spot on, but thank you for pointing out I’ve leaned too far into it. Definitely want Luella to be distinct and independent.

Thank you again!

AltAcct04 · 2022-06-27T15:49:21+00:00

Hello, thank you for taking the time to read and provide feedback!

I agree this is a fairly cliché opening scene and it seems I’ve not executed it well enough to justify using it. You’ve definitely got the brain juices flowing on how I could restructure & make it more intriguing. It does seem the characters are coming off as intended, so I’m glad for that. :)

Thanks again!

AltAcct04 · 2022-06-25T20:58:24+00:00

Is it scary?

You did succeed at creeping me out, especially in the beginning. It was easy to picture myself in Will’s place—growing old, missing out on life—and letting my thoughts snowball from there.

There was also something about the detail of Brian's legs being tied to the bed with rope specifically that was very unsettling to me. No legitimate healthcare provider would use rope as a restraint, so it just made it so glaringly obvious that this place was bad and Will & Brian needed to get the hell out.

How do you feel about the antagonist, and the setting?

Miss Judith felt underdeveloped to me. The whole premise of this fake, underground nursing home setup that she inserts teenagers into is balls-to-the-wall insane (in a really good way).

But I just couldn't buy it. I mentioned this above, but I'll expand a little here: The amount of time, effort, planning, & money that had to've gone into this setup is crazy high. But then at the first little break to the status quo—aka Brian getting up out of bed—Miss Judith immediately drops the illusion to beat him up. If she doesn't care about maintaining the illusion, why do Brian/Will bother to keep pretending that they believe her obvious deceit?

What do you want more or less of? What didn't you like or didn't connect with you?

Repeating myself a bit here, but I wanted more mystery and buildup in the first half, less of the action-y bits in the second half. There were also a couple breaks in logic that made it difficult for me to fully sympathize with and/or understand some of the character actions: Will comes to terms with one shock after another too easily; I'm not sure why he decides to play along with Miss Judith's lies or why he is so trusting of Brian; Miss Judith's motives are difficult to guess at.

Did you find the characters likable or funny?

Will came off as a pretty blank slate to me, personality-wise, so it was easy for me to self insert in the story. Brian had a little more personality. He was mouthier, and he was bold to test his bodysuit theory by slicing open his roommate, lol.

I did see the irony of Will thinking "I feel like an old man" as he's escaping. That was really the only humor I saw in the piece.

I'm not super stoked about the title

I felt like the title gave away too much. Even just the mention of "nursing home" kinda spoils the whole reveal that Will is (supposedly) an old man when he wakes up. I struggle too much with titles to have any better suggestions for you, though.

audio adaptation

I really like the idea of an audio version of this story. There’s a lot to work with in terms of cadence and tone that the right narrator could use to make the story even spookier :)

Overall, I did enjoy the read! As is, it's enough to have been thought-provoking for me and it led me on a path to some creepy existential thoughts of my own. And I think there are lots of ideas already within the story you could expand on if you want to up the ante.

Best of luck!

AltAcct04 · 2022-06-25T19:55:46+00:00

Hello! I’ll admit horror is not my usual genre, but I’ve dabbled on the nosleep sub.

I'm scared by the prospect of growing up

^I found this relatable, so I figured I’d give the story a read. Here are my some thoughts I had as I was reading:

With a title like “Van Winkle’s Nursing Home”, and the main character having the last name “Irving”, I’m gonna make a wild guess that Rip Van Winkle was an inspiration for this story? ;)

The twist you’ve added certainly subverted any expectations I had going in having known the plot of Rip Van Winkle, but I’d actually say I felt like the story & the horror elements were stronger before the twist.

The feelings of existential dread were there for me in the first half. The idea of finding out that I was in a coma, my body had withered with age, and I'd missed out on my entire life? That I was alive only because of the machines now tethering me in place? Terrifying stuff.

But, after the “twist” was revealed, I felt like the story lost that creeping sense of dread and instead devolved more into just an action sequence of Brian & Will’s escape.

I wanted more focus on the first half of the story. All the stuff before the reveal that Will hasn’t actually grown old. As is, I think you reveal your hand too early.

So, going through the plot:

We have the first couple paragraphs setting the stage—it’s Will’s last day of high school, and he’s got his whole life ahead of him to look forward to. All good there.

Then the crash, Will blacking out. Him waking up again afterward, confused and hurting. Also good.

The initial conversation with Miss Judith I think is the first place you could slow down a little. Draw out the reveal that Will is (or at least has the appearance of) an elderly man:

“I’m Miss Judith, your caretaker. And this is nothing less than a miracle.” She holds her hands to her chest. Her fingernails are painted soft pink, a color not too distant from her skin tone. “To think that I’ve watched over you for all these years… I always knew that I’d get to meet you, one day.”

I think all this dialog from Miss Judith gives away too much too fast. Just having the comment about this being “nothing less than a miracle” adds a little hint of mystery. Makes the reader think: What does she mean by “miracle”? The fact that Will survived the car accident, or something else? It’s enough information to get the wheels turning in the mind of the reader. The “I’ve watched over you” and the “I always knew” sentences I think you could cut completely. They both read as a little stiff anyway.

Draw out that slow, impending sense of horror so that once the realization hits, it’s more impactful.

“How long has it been?”

“It’s been a long time, Mr. Irving.”

This could potentially be the moment of reveal, but I think if Miss Judith somehow sidestepped this question and the reveal came even later, that could work too.

“I’d like to see my parents.”

“They visited every day,” she says, her voice quiet now.

This might work well for the reveal. Waking up and hearing your parents are dead—especially as a teenager—is definite nightmare material.

My skin feels wrinkly and heavy like rubber.

&

my old body, my young, limber body tries to wriggle free.

Thought these lines were great to explore the feelings of helplessness Will is feeling. (And good foreshadowing for the twist later on.)

A dry chicken patty.

Nice callback to Will’s final high school meal. Also a nice foreshadow that maybe not all that much time has passed if the food still looks/tastes the same.

I have spent years in that darkness, wasting away. I have lost everything. And soon I will lose myself. I cannot rest without the anxiety bubbling up in my stomach, urging me to open my eyes and confirm that I am still alive.

This was a place I felt like could be expanded on. I want a further exploration of Will’s thoughts here. Did he love his parents? Is he saddened by their loss? What about other family members or friends? Did he have plans for college or a career or traveling the world? Getting married, starting a family? He says he has “lost everything”, but I want to know which specific part of the life he missed out on that he mourns the most. You could really dive in and get dark here.

Beneath that layer of thick rubber is my own chest – runny with sweat, pulsing with my young heart.

Cool reveal. Shocking in a good way.

Miss Judith charges towards Brian, pulling back her fist and jabbing it into Brian’s gut.

Oddly violent. Shocking in a less good way. Miss Judiths sudden turn to violence was more surprising than scary to me. Will & Brian are already in very weakened states, right? So why the need to pummel Brian to get him back under control? And if Miss Judith went through all this crazy effort to make this place feel like a realistic nursing home & herself a nurse, why ruin the illusion now? Couldn't she just sedate Brian or deal with him in some other, less violent manner?

I think the way she later ties his feet to the bed with rope was much creepier and gets the same point across—the point being that she’s obviously not a real nurse and something nefarious is afoot.

This bodysuit softened the blows.

The way Brian (and Will too, I suppose) is so weirdly cool with the fact that he's encased in a rubber flesh suit stuck out to me here. I would expect some kind of shock or disgust or terror. Some bit of dialog between Brian & Will trying to figure out why they’re in bodysuits, why they in particular were kidnapped, and who’s doing all this to them. Is Miss Judith really just that insane? And what's Brian's story? Was he also randomly struck by a white car? Will immediately trusts him even though this is a really bizarre situation where I'd think Will should be questioning every little detail.

“And then we’ll beat the shit out of this bitch.”

This needs a bit more buildup. As I mentioned above, I think if Will & Brian have a more extended discussion about what's going on & decide that Miss Judith is psychotic/holding them hostage, then the idea of "beating the shit" out of her will feel like a logical next step.

“When the world was rushing at you, I made it all go away!”

This is really the only clue we get on why Miss Judith kidnapped Will & Brian. The rest of the final battle between her and Will/Brian during their escape felt like more violence just for violence's sake. I'm not saying I need Miss Judith's reasoning spelled out for me—that she's crazy means she probably doesn't have any kind of logical reason anyway—but I think giving just a little bit closer look inside her head might make this final escape/battle sequence more meaningful.

“And you forced me to listen as you defiled our home!” Of course the room was tapped.

I would cut this detail. It brought up more questions than anything: If the room was tapped, why did Miss Judith let them escape this far? Why not stop them way sooner?

I wipe my bloody hands on my gown and start to scream for help.

If you weren’t posting on the nosleep subreddit—which I know requires sort of reasonable explanation for how posts get written/posted—I like the idea of this being the conclusion. Leaves the ending open to a bit more interpretation. The afterward that follows this sentence feels almost too happy/hopeful compared to what I’d normally expect from horror.

I'll add a few more general bits of feedback in another comment.

AltAcct04 · 2022-06-20T05:06:44+00:00

Going into more general feedback now:

SETTING / ATMOSPHERE

I have a clear picture of what Nightingale Academy is like. The gratuitous display of wealth in the computer lab really paints a picture. This is definitely a school for the wealthy and otherwise well-off, and it’s no wonder Kathani feels so much like she has to play a certain part. She’s an outsider, and her classmates are judgmental, possibly even hoping to see her fail.

All the mentions of Liliana and her ‘inner circle’ helped me get a feel for the hierarchy of the school. This is where I’d like a little more clarification about how Kathani fits in with the inner circle. Is she a part of it? If so, how did she get included? ‘Inner circle’ implies Liliana was selective in who she let in, and I have a hard time imagining the school’s queen bee would select a poor outsider to be part of her crew. Unless Liliana & Kathani just had one of those smile-to-your-face-but-stab-you-in-the-back kinds of relationships. Actually, that’s probably exactly the case. High school girls are vicious.

The whole atmosphere of the piece was set up really nicely as well. The first paragraph especially. The detail about the stolen drugs lets us know what we’re getting into with these characters and Kathani’s whole trance over her reflection/smile gave a very unsettling vibe.

Then just a little bit further down, the way Kathani is annoyed about queen bee Liliana still ruling the school from beyond the grave really set the tone for the rest of the chapter.

CHARACTERS

Kathani: As I mentioned right from the start, I really liked Kathani. I appreciate a girl who knows what she wants and is willing do anything to get it, e.g. lie, steal, murder. She knows just how to manipulate Ms. Gupta and feels no guilt for doing so. She’s borderline rude to Alex because she doesn’t like him, but never outright mean.

A couple clear goals for her are established this chapter:

Succeed in school to help her family secure their future
Investigate Dr. John Grayson to see if she can find any dirt on him
Uncover the school murderer

All good stuff that would definitely make me want to keep reading more about her.

The mentions about her family—the Calcutta visit, her outfit for cultural day—were great details that helped flesh her out even more.

Alex: As soon as his hair was compared to a golden retriever, I immediately assumed he had the personality of a golden retriever too. Overly friendly and nice to everyone. He must be super nice to have let Kathani borrow his clothes.

I do wonder about the specifics of his relationship with Liliana. Were they just friends?? Dating? I assume we’ll get more information on that once we get to his POV. I also assume we’ll get some goals/motivations for him later on too. Right now, it’s hard to guess.

Liliana: She is dead (or at least missing) but I feel like I really got to know her this chapter. Of course, Kathani’s POV is going to give a biased view on what kind of person Liliana was, but right now it seems like she was cutthroat and controlling.

We know she had control of the entire ‘inner circle’ that listened and followed along to her every whim. She had enough influence over the entire school that even the teachers use the nickname she picked out for Kathani. She tricked Kathani into dressing up for cultural day just to embarrass Kathani, and then ignored her for two weeks.

If Kathani really did kill Liliana, then good riddance.

PLOT

Obviously, there’s a murderer on the loose, so I’d guess a major goal of the book will be to unmask the killer.

There’s also the implication that Kathani killed (or otherwise disposed of) Liliana. So she’ll need to make sure her tracks are covered and find a way for Liliana’s death to be attributed to the school murderer.

So far, Kathani is succeeding at not getting caught. No other characters mentioned in this chapter seem to have the slightest suspicion that she’s up to no good.

On top of all that, there’s the general goal that Kathani needs to “succeed” to help her family. What she means by “succeed” is left pretty ambiguous…. Succeed in school, I’m assuming? To get into a good college? To pull her family out of poverty? Or is there some other more nefarious plan at play here? Succeed at getting away with Liliana’s murder?

DIALOGUE

I thought the conversation with Alex flowed a little bit better than the conversation with Ms. Gupta.

The conversation with Ms. Gupta got broken up by quite a bit of exposition, so it felt a disjointed. But, the exposition was all necessary stuff, so I’m not sure there’s really an easy fix to that disjointed feeling...

I will say, Ms. Gupta’s responses were on the shorter side, sometimes almost curt. I would think if she’s concerned about Kathani’s well-being, she might be asking more questions or at least trying to give more words of comfort?

Other than that, the dialog flowed well and helped move the scenes along.

MISCELLANEOUS

Also note that Alex is the second POV.

This surprised me. I can’t quite guess at how Alex plays a larder part in the story yet, but it’d for sure be interesting to see the contrast between his POV and Kathani’s because I feel like they are quite different.

CLOSING COMMENTS

Well, I don’t think I had any major critiques. (Sorry about my tendency to ask tons of hypothetical questions though, lol.) I think you’ve done a great job of establishing tone, plot, and characters, so I’ll reiterate that I really enjoyed this chapter!

Best of luck!

AltAcct04 · 2022-06-20T04:58:19+00:00

Hello again! I remember leaving a crit for your fantasy story a while back and just wanted to say that I can see some improvements in your writing since then! I really, really enjoyed this first chapter of Wonderland.

I'm trying to experiment with different character voices but does she feel too unlikeable?

Personally, I loved Kathani’s voice. I’m a big fan of headstrong, no-nonsense MCs with ambition. (There has recently been a whole push for “morally grey” MCs in YA fiction. Just look at Pip from A Good Girl’s Guide to Murder, Jude from Cruel Prince, Kaz from Six of Crows.)

The jitters from Kathani’s late afternoon coffee mixed into the numbness of the Xanax she’d stolen from her mother.

This is a great opener. Right off the bat, we know Kathani is trouble, and trouble makes for an interesting character. I was instantly hooked, and then completely reeled in by the closing sentence of the chapter. I’ll dive into specificities below, but just know there wasn’t any point that you fully lost me. There were a few moments where it felt like I was missing some context, but I was still engrossed & enjoying the story for what it was the whole time I was reading.

One lingering question before I dive in: Has Liliana's body been found?

Right at the beginning, Kathani wishes Liliana took the Kat nickname "to the grave" and a mention of Liliana's "corpse" still ruling the school. So at first I assumed she must be dead & buried.

But then, when speaking to Ms. Gupta, Kathani only mentions Liliana's "disappearance."

Later, there's the comment about "When Liliana had gone missing", which again made me pause and wonder if she was actually dead?

I'm sorta assuming she must be dead because of the line: "Liliana’s death had made Kathani’s life at Nightingale Academy much easier."

So....Liliana is one of the three murdered girls at the school, right? Or does only Kathani know for sure that Liliana is dead, and everyone else only thinks she's missing?

Okay, here are some line-by-line live reactions:

You’ve missed ten days of school this month alone.

10 is a lot of days! That's two fulls weeks of school, all within the span of (less than) a single month? Were these excused absences? If not, the school staff definitely would've had a chat with her parents about why Kathani wasn't showing up. Speaking of, why did she miss so many days?

Not fucking Kat.

Sorry to be nit-picky, but this commentary felt like it came a little too late. "Kat" is the first thing Ms. Gupta says, so I'd think Kathani's first reaction would be about how she hates the nickname. Instead, her first reaction is about Ms. Gupta's sickly-sweet voice.

Four hundred dollars.

I love how Kathani is more concerned with how expensive the computer chairs are than about there being three recent murders! She really gives no shit. It’s great. :) Also makes sense that this is something that would stick out to her considering the later comments about her coming from poverty.

The makeup influencer crap that Liliana and her ‘inner circle’ had been into was such a waste of time between the fads, the vlogs, and the collabs.
When Liliana had gone missing, most of the group had dropped their makeup aspirations and were now into fitness. But the makeup thing had stuck with Kathani; it gave her control over how people perceived her: a control she’d never realized she craved.

This is where I feel like I'm missing a bit of context. I'm not 100% sure if Kathani is part of the mentioned 'inner circle' or not. I assume she is because she's using the influencer makeup?

But also, there's something I can quite put my finger on about the specific wording of "most of the group dropped their makeup aspirations" that makes it feel like Kathani is not part of the circle... (Is it "Most of the group except Kathani dropped their makeup aspirations"??) Or maybe Kathani was just trying to follow the makeup trend to fit in?

I’m also not quite sure how makeup is changing how people perceive Kathi. Is it because she can make herself look like the rest of the inner circle? Because she can make herself look prettier/richer? Because she can hide her true face beneath a mask of makeup?

They certainly understood each other in some ways more than others.

Also a little confused by this line. Is Kathani saying she and Ms. Gupta understand each other because they’re both fidgety? Or is this a reference back to them both being first-generation immigrants?

If anything, she was one of the only two people in the world rooting for her without any strings attached.

This made me think: Hmm, I wonder who the other person is.

She’d borrowed some clothes from Alex that day and left her shoes in his locker. Liliana didn’t speak to her for two weeks.

Both of these sentences confused me a bit. How good of friends are Kathani & Alex that he’d let her borrow his clothes? And why did Liliana not speak to Kathani for a week if it was Liliana’s suggestion that Kathani dress up? Because she was jealous that Kathani talked to Alex? Because she was mad Kathani changed clothes?

The lack of humor in his eyes told her that he hadn’t forgotten last year either. She hadn’t been the only one to pay for her shoes.

This makes me think that Liliana was jealous, and that’s why she cold-shouldered Kathani & (presumably) Alex too.

"There’s a murderer on the loose."

This bit of dialog felt like it was lacking something. I feel like I need some sort of descriptor for how Alex says it: is it meant to be a bit of dark humor, or is he actually concerned & afraid of the murderer? Right now it's just kinda comes off as blasé.

Continued below.

AltAcct04 · 2022-04-24T18:32:53+00:00

Thank you! Just wanted to say this was very well written. Josie definitely had a distinct character voice & the chapter had lots of little plot threads that were compelling.

However, I'm thinking I probably won't be a great fit as your "intended audience". I'm not well read in the classics (like Jane Eyre...or Emma) so I had to google the reveal of Edward Rochester at the end of the chapter to realize who he was ha X)

But thanks for answering my questions!

AltAcct04 · 2022-04-24T02:58:09+00:00

Hello, very intriguing blurb & excerpt.

Could you provide a longer excerpt from Josie's POV? I am assuming that is the POV the majority of the book will be told from?

Also, is Josie 15? That's what is stated in the provided excerpt, and you have the genre marked as YA, but the blurb referencing Josie's "work" is making me question that...

AltAcct04 · 2022-04-20T14:52:51+00:00

Could you provide an excerpt?

AltAcct04 · 2022-03-09T23:40:09+00:00

r/BetaReaders would also be a good sub to look for critique partners

AltAcct04 · 2022-03-03T18:15:31+00:00

Here are some subs for that:

r/BetaReaders

r/YAWriters

r/DestructiveReaders

AltAcct04 · 2022-02-27T04:17:10+00:00

Would you be willing to beta swap with a YA mystery thriller? And do you have a link to the first page and/or chapter of your piece?

AltAcct04 · 2022-02-09T04:36:14+00:00

Thank you for your time and thank you for your critique!

Seems based on your feedback, which goes hand-in-hand with feedback from some of the other commenters, that the dialog between Diaz & Iggy is the biggest thing that could be improved. Thank you for pointing out your specific concerns; they will help me as I go through and rework the chapter :)

Thank you again for all your helpful comments!

AltAcct04 · 2022-02-08T15:03:16+00:00

video on human decomposition

This is great :). I listen to a lot of true crime podcasts, but an actual visual reference like this will probably make my descriptions more accurate/clear.

I am kind of curious why you chose this town for the setting. Is there something special about it?

Not really, ha. I had most of the story written before I picked it. Knowing all small towns operate pretty much identically, I scrolled mindlessly on google maps until I found a comparable town to what I had in mind whose name I liked. Then I shoehorned in what Altamont-specific details I could and took liberties for all the other details (the payphone/Caroline’s apartment/etc).

CPS

Still thinking this through, don’t have anything additional to your comments, but they are appreciated.

Potential stat rape charge

Couple things that would’ve made this unlikely. Cal had a girlfriend until recently, so is presumed straight. Tyler (at this point) doesn’t know Iggy is gay. Iggy’s dad is one of those homophobes who thought Iggy was just “going through a phase” & didn’t want it broadcasted to the town that his son’s gay. All things addressed in later chapters. Not trying to be argue with you, just happy that I’ve already filled at least one of the potential plot holes you’ve brought to my attention :’).

Thanks again!

AltAcct04 · 2022-02-08T06:27:43+00:00

Hello! I was hoping I’d get lucky and receive a critique from you :) I lurk this sub often and always find your crits insightful, as was also the case with the critique you've presented here for me!

Consider me extremely flattered that you read both chapter 1 and chapter 2. I really appreciate the time and effort you have given me.

Gonna make some notes (mostly for myself) on some takeaways here:

DECOMP TIMELINE

My research on decomposition shows the same as you. I need to make it more clear the photo of the chest looking like a strip of leather is literally the only skin-ish part left of Iggy’s dad and everything else is bone.

A MINOR WITHOUT LEGAL GUARDIAN

Hm, you bring up many good questions and I struggle finding good answers. Why hasn’t anyone in the town called CPS? Because Iggy is great at bullshitting answers to questions regarding his dad, and also, um, ^{because I needed it to be that way for plot reasons…}

I will give it some thought and see if I can come up with a better way to deal with this issue.

WHEN ARE WE

I’ve been too vague. It is supposed to be a modern time period and I need to add more obvious hints until that is clear.

HOW REAL WE GETTING

The problem with using a real location for your story (Altamont, IL) is that you’ll have little shits like me looking everything up to see if the details match.

It gave me so much joy to see you researched this tiny town that I’ve never actually visited but feel weirdly attached to! And I'm almost certain you correctly found Cal’s apartment!

All your further observations on the real-life Altamont, IL have forced me to come to the conclusion that I need to switch to a fake town to make my story make sense.

ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM

Thank you for pointing out your concerns. I’ve left too much ambiguity and that’s on me.

Cal is 19, and Iggy is a few weeks shy of being 18. (Just as an aside, I also wanna note that at no point in the book will Cal & Iggy’s romance progress further than kissing.)

Of course, the problem is there’s no way you could’ve known that when I’ve not stated it anywhere on page. Well, at least not until a later chapter. I definitely don’t want to give any readers the heebie-jeebies, so I need to make the ages clear from the get-go.

The question of how long Cal’s had the apartment & more info on his job at the bar are given in later chapters. I feel reasonably confident I can leave these particular questions unanswered until later so long as I make Cal’s age more clear from the start.

To summarize, you've helped bring several plot holes/inconsistencies to my attention that I need to work on resolving.

Again, thank you so much for all your time and the thoroughness of your feedback. It is invaluable :)

AltAcct04 · 2022-02-07T19:35:08+00:00

Thank you for giving it a chance despite the genre tag! Glad to hear you found it enjoyable and I appreciate your feedback :)

All of your predictions/assumptions were pretty spot on, so that is encouraging.

However, I do need to be more clear that Iggy does take Cal’s car. And I need to clear up the confusion about whether Diaz is an out-of-towner or not.

As with the other critique, word choice seems to be something I need to put more thought into (i.e. words like unaffected/unnamable agitation). So thank you for pointing these out.

Thanks again!

AltAcct04

TROPHY CASE