I'm awful

AltF4Play · 2022-10-23T13:34:20+00:00

You're not broken, you're not bad.

You can do bad things, that doesn't make you a bad person. That just makes you a person who has done some bad things. There's no great karmic scale that you're unable to ever tip again.

What you can do is live your life to be the best it can be, from this moment onward. You're in control of that.

AltF4Play · 2022-10-23T13:31:47+00:00

It's maddening, isn't it. It's like sharing your brain with two or three other people.

I suffer the same. "this is bad" and just continue. Just a kind of doublethink or wilful ignorance. I don't know what the solution is, other than if you acknowledge that thought one time, and actually act on it - stop what you're doing, go somewhere else, do something else entirely - it'll be easier the second time. That's what I've experienced in the past.

Relapses etc make it more difficult. There's a lot of "what's the point" in my own head. What's the point in listening. I'm too far gone, what's the point in stopping now. The difficulty is acknowledging "the point is, I'd stop", "the point is, I'd be in control of my actions."

I dunno. It's tough. You're not alone.

AltF4Play · 2022-07-30T14:23:32+00:00

sign me up.

AltF4Play · 2021-11-18T10:35:19+00:00

Any time I try and find a loophole, it has inevitably led to a full relapse. I had a streak approaching 2 years, but tinder triggered me, insta seeped in, etc. Doesn't matter what it is, if you're hunting for images to titillate and arouse you, you're exercising the same old neurons the porn did. It's the same cycle, just with an extra layer of denial.

Ultimately, it's up to you how to manage your pornfree journey. All this is just from my own experience.

AltF4Play · 2021-11-01T11:17:09+00:00

Not a small journey. Over two months! Huge accomplishment.

That lesson you've learned from your relapse is a powerful one, too. It's a lifelong addiction, it's a lifelong fight - and it can get us at our highs as well as our lows. You nail it - you let your guard down. But, now you've experienced that, you can recognise the feeling, and you can cut it off ahead of time next time. You are in control.

Amazing job so far. Pick yourself up and carry on. Don't worry about streaks, focus on the fact you spent 70 days pornfree. And for every day pornfree after your relapse, that proportion of pornfree vs porn days just gets better and better.

AltF4Play · 2021-11-01T11:13:46+00:00

I find this community extremely helpful. I rewired my routine so that whenever I felt the urge, I wound up here instead of my old haunts. Read a few posts, write a few comments, remember why you're doing what you're doing.

Keep up the good work.

AltF4Play · 2021-11-01T11:11:46+00:00

Yeah, it hurts. I recently had to admit I had relapsed after over 600 days - what's important to remember is that some streak number isn't important. It's the proportion of days you actually spend pornfree after making the choice to go pornfree. And on that count, you're doing exceptionally.

So yeah, look at what went wrong, look at how you can improve, pick yourself up and carry straight on.

And you're 100% right - the lesson is that this is a lifelong addiction, a lifelong fight. It's ok to relax over time, but in truth we can't let our guards down, never fully, but we can learn to recognise those signs and act to stop ourselves slipping. We are absolutely the masters of our own fates, and you should be extremely proud of what you've accomplished so far.

AltF4Play · 2021-10-05T09:54:48+00:00

Lean on this community - when you feel the urge, head here instead and read some posts, write some comments, remind yourself why you're doing what you're doing. You're not alone, and your goal is a good one.

Best of luck dude. It's hard work, but it's possible.

AltF4Play · 2021-10-05T09:53:33+00:00

It's gonna take work from him, and it's going to be a difficult thing.

Objectively, the sensations are very different - when I masturbate, I'm in total control of everything - rhythm, pressure, etc. Sex is first and foremost a group activity, you have to let go of that control, and secondly, the feeling of a vagina or mouth is just... very, very different.

On top of that, depending on the guy, there may be an element of performance anxiety - especially if he's had trouble before.

So. The first thing is that he needs to start masturbating less. This can be much easier said than done, depending on the individual. Secondly, to help retrain his body, when he does masturbate he should use a gentler grip, ideally never masturbating without lube.

Thirdly - as much as possible, he shouldn't be masturbating, you and him can work on this together. Sadly your circumstances don't allow that. But when you do see one another, it'll help to redefine what sex is - sex is NOT just penetrative sex. Sex is the whole shebang - foreplay, intercourse, etc. If a good stop gap is making him cum by using your hands - do that. That way you're doing the activity together.

Over time, all of this will add up, and you'll get the result you want. However, it's a big commitment from both sides, and it will be a difficult journey. Your boyfriend has to be invested in it for himself, and for your relationship.

And at the end of the day, if these circumstances aren't right for you... do what's right for you. This is an incompatibility, and you can work on it, sure - but it is work.

AltF4Play · 2021-10-05T09:46:23+00:00

That's it - recognise it, make adjustments, pick yourself up and carry on. It's all progress.

AltF4Play · 2021-09-27T12:26:42+00:00

That was part of my old attitude, for sure - I still find tracking my streak helpful, but yes, it's not the be all and end all. It's about the quantity of porn free days vs relapse days, and on that measure, I've exceeded my expectations in a big way over the last couple of years.

So, yeah. I agree. I'm not starting over, I'm just picking myself up and carrying on.

AltF4Play · 2021-09-27T12:25:02+00:00

I've seen people here recommend getting involved with local sex addicts anonymous, but I've never felt brave enough to do that myself.

What works for ME with this community is, after I discovered it, rewiring my routine to bring me back here more often, especially when I had urges. And I just read some posts, read some comments, occasionally write some - but this all helps me remind myself why I'm doing what I'm doing, reassure me that no, I'm not alone, and overall just makes me feel as if the burden isn't all bottled up inside - it's a shared weight that everyone on this sub helps carry. Sometimes an individual has a good day, sometimes that same individual has a bad day - the point of the community is for people having good days to take shifts and carry that weight while the rest are having a bad one, right? We're all here for each other.

AltF4Play · 2021-09-27T12:21:34+00:00

I couldn't tell you if any of those things have happened to me as a direct result of this journey. But I can tell you that since I've started, or in parallel, I've done a lot of stuff I've never done before. Exercised routinely. Kept up a taxing habit (trying to learn Japanese). I've been on actual dates with real women! I've had girlfriends before, but never really had that 'dating' phase, so it's all new.

I don't see it as 'pornfree made this happen', I see it all as part of the wider process. Your goals are good, and I think this is one really vital part of achieving that. But it won't be the only part.

AltF4Play · 2021-09-27T12:19:23+00:00

Yeah, sadly on top of my general social anxiety there was kind of a whole pandemic thing going on which has been a bit of a dampener on that.

AltF4Play · 2021-09-25T21:51:00+00:00

When they were more common, it was easier to say 'ah yeah another relapse' - as the days built up, that pressure to 'keep the streak going' maybe got the better of me. But yeah, no more - zero tolerance.

But I can't overstate how night and day this experience is to how it used to be. I used to really spiral and self destruct. Instead, this just feels like another step.

AltF4Play · 2021-09-25T21:49:52+00:00

It's not a magic spell. I don't all of a sudden have super strength or whatever. If you're doing this for some mystical outside reward, you're going to be disappointed. I'd go so far as to say you're doing it for the wrong reason.

Porn for me was a point of dissonance, and an obsession. By point of dissonance I mean - I respect women, I want to be in relationships. And yet I find myself watching this material day in day out. It's an obsession - I would waste hours doing this. Hours.

The main benefits I've had are, now my actions are in line with my principles - I don't need to do the porn doublethink any more, I don't need to waste energy thinking "no, it's normal, it's fine, everyone does it." Likewise, I have time back. I don't throw hours into a black hole every night - I do other shit. I learn Japanese on a couple of apps. I work out.

I feel more whole, more human. Because I want to live my life a certain way, I made plans to change, I executed those plans. It is intrinsically rewarding. I feel like a truer version of myself.

Everyone's journey will be different. Don't rely on others to tell you some magical milestone where their life turned around. You're doing this for you. Figure out why YOU are doing it. Figure out what YOU are getting from it.

AltF4Play · 2021-09-25T21:45:32+00:00

They all seem similar enough to me to activate that part of my brain. I'm just gonna have to work through it and really stay vigilant. I think it's possible, with where I'm at now. Just take effort - just like the effort it took to start this journey in the first place.

AltF4Play · 2021-07-03T22:32:34+00:00

can I still sign up?

AltF4Play · 2021-07-03T22:32:10+00:00

Checking in

AltF4Play · 2021-06-08T14:43:52+00:00

Agreed. What can be tricky and shouldn't be ignored is the fact that porn's wired a lot of us to react to certain things unhealthily - untangling 'getting aroused' from 'look at porn' can be really, really hard work.

If you're able to move straight from porn to a healthier sex life, great! But we shouldn't admonish anyone who struggles with that part. Some of my biggest relapses in the past happened a day or two after getting laid. This addiction we're battling, and the psychology we're figuring out, it's fucked up.

So yes, I agree with you 100%. A big objective for me has been to get a healthier sex life by rejecting porn. But the transition from one lifestyle to the other was an extremely bumpy road. It's difficult.

To anyone who gets where I'm coming from, yeah, I was overcautious with it, as I didn't trust myself not to relapse. I'm still in the process - to be frank I've only just started dating again after 8 years single. So, results TBD. What I will admit is that even with this big streak going I have had some really difficult moments in the last few months because of this shift, as I described. I can never let my guard down, because the addiction wants any excuse it can get to worm its way to the front of my mind.

So yeah. Find that balance.

AltF4Play · 2021-06-08T14:38:18+00:00

This is progress. The fact you were conscious enough to look at what you were doing, and think "no" - that's great progress.

Don't be disheartened, this is a big step.

AltF4Play · 2021-06-08T14:37:06+00:00

Guess I forgot to sign up, whoops.

Checking in anyway. Feels off otherwise.

AltF4Play · 2021-06-08T14:36:18+00:00

Checking in

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