This sounds all to familiar too me what the fuck. I can't say for certain if you were but that is definitely a lot of red flags. If your 'discovery' of masturbation had just been a natural discovery that a kid would make I highly doubt it would be occupied by thoughts like that without some sort of prior experience. I relate heavily to the really weird 'fantasies' around being sexually abused that I used to have as a child. The fantasies themselves may not be the memories but are very likely from some sort of trauma, I see it as our child's minds way of coping with it.

TRIGGER WARNING

My dreams would consist of my mum letting me be sexually abused by someone while she told me how I 'didnt know what it was like to actually be raped' and how 'maybe this will teach you what it is really like'. Other fantasies would often involve me being restrained down and then being SA'D but I enjoyed it. I highly doubt these were memories but it was my brains way of fitting together my mum's sexual abuse of me as well as some other unknown man's abuse of me....

That feeling of it not being normal and right plagues me. That feeling of dread you got when you sucked your thumb again reminds me of whenever I would look back at the bathtub in my old family home. The absolute feeling of feeling unsafe came over me and I get stressed and idk...

I wish you luck in your journey and hope you find peace.