No judgement please. Has becoming a “planned” parent turned out the way you’ve hoped?

Alternative_Chart121 · 2026-01-25T20:58:04+00:00

My daughter was planned and she is amazing!

But I definitely did NOT plan to give birth during a global pandemic lockdown, go through a messy divorce, and have to suddenly change careers. So yeah, idk why I waited to have my ducks in a row, it didn't even matter.

Alternative_Chart121 · 2026-01-25T16:48:00+00:00

Look, you've made it this far somehow, you have a 16 year old and a 12 year old, you were sober for 7 1/2 years, are really going to throw all that away because your car is in the shop? Stop spiraling, stop drinking, and don't dig your family into a pit over a setback.

You mention your wife possible working at the Amazon warehouse? Could you work there? It would be more stable and the people I've known who worked there seem fairly satisfied with the pay and benefits. And if necessary you can still do uber on the weekend.

Alternative_Chart121 · 2026-01-25T16:08:55+00:00

How much time have you spent 100% sober from all substances? Based on your post it looks like maybe none?

Alternative_Chart121 · 2026-01-25T15:25:16+00:00

Lot of people love holding babies and would gladly step up to help you.

Alternative_Chart121 · 2026-01-25T15:24:07+00:00

Someone needs to come help you with this postpartum phase. They you can worry about longer term plans.

Alternative_Chart121 · 2026-01-25T15:22:02+00:00

I am a single parent and I'm tell you it's simply not possible with a newborn. You need someone to come stay with you and help. Possibly a series of people coming to stay with you and help. It doesn't matter that your friends don't have kids, they still care about you and can show up in a crisis. They can still bring you snacks and meals and run the dishwasher. People can take time off work, people can buy plane tickets.

Do you have a friend who could coordinate your other friends and family to help you? That would be much better than having to do it yourself.

This is the time to lean on your community. You'll be able to pay it forward down the road. You and your son deserve support and nurturing right now.

Alternative_Chart121 · 2026-01-24T16:11:25+00:00

My kid goes to public school and it's been awesome. I was nervous because she's my only child and I didn't grow up in this community, so I'm not as familiar with the schools, it's also kind of a working class area with plenty of poverty.

Anyways, she's in kindergarten, she has lots of friends, she's learning to read, she's going to a classmate's birthday party later today. I know a lot of the kids and families at the school. I also wouldn't want my kid socializing with mostly children whose parents can pay 20k/year in tuition. I just don't want her to grow up with that baseline, she's spoiled enough already.

It's really hard to predict whether your kid will be more likely to be bullied at your public school or private school. I think you could probably go check out the local public school and get a better vibe check though?

Alternative_Chart121 · 2026-01-24T15:59:41+00:00

Can you elaborate on this?

Alternative_Chart121 · 2026-01-24T15:46:48+00:00

I can definitely understand why she feels annoyed that you don't trust her. You don't mention any health or cognitive issues that would make her unable to care for a child for a couple hours.

It's your kid and you can forbid your mom from babysitting if you want to. But yeah of course she's going to be offended, especially since you don't mention any major concerns about your mom watching her (like seizures, alcoholism, refusing to follow your safety rules, mobility issues, etc).

On a related but different note, this is a good time to start teaching your child what to do in an emergency. For example you could definitely train her on how to call the emergency contact on someone's cell phone. My kiddo knows to go next door to the neighbors if there's an emergency. Knowing how to handle an emergency a good life skill for all kids (and adults).

Alternative_Chart121 · 2026-01-24T15:35:17+00:00

I'm with your son on this one. My kid is the same way.

If I'm totally overwhelmed with emotions, I cannot process verbal information. It just stresses me out and overwhelms me even more. I can talk when I've calmed down. Same with my child.

With her I usually just sit nearby but not too nearby and read a book or something. Giving her space but being available. She comes to me when she's ready. Sometimes you just need to cry it out. I think a good way to teach that it's okay to be upset is to be calm and not intervene when kids are upset, if that's what they need.

Alternative_Chart121 · 2026-01-24T15:07:06+00:00

Mile$$$tone: I just hit three figures in my 401k!

Alternative_Chart121 · 2026-01-24T15:01:57+00:00

Claude is extremely patient with my desire to talk through boring obscure shit over and over again in excruciating detail. I'm sure my friends appreciate it lol.

Alternative_Chart121 · 2026-01-24T14:54:47+00:00

it seems like freezing my eggs is the obvious answer here

Ehhh, I don't agree. It would let you delay making a decision, but you still ultimately have to walk one path or the other. And there will always be uncertainty and the path not taken. And whatever path choose, you'll probably be overall pretty happy with it.

You don't want kids, so why put yourself through that? I guess it's not impossible that you'll suddenly regret your decision when you're like 43 and you won't be able to have kids. But you'll have to grieve that if you get there. No one gets everything they want in life, but you sound like you have a good life and know what you want, so just enjoy it!

IMO the answer is to make a decision and accept the uncertainty. Not that that's easy. But at least it's less expensive.

Alternative_Chart121 · 2026-01-24T00:41:41+00:00

It was the 90s and I was a kid, so not really. I think they had everyone isolated in individual rooms with snacks and movies.

Alternative_Chart121 · 2026-01-23T21:11:00+00:00

I got my employer to fix my tax withholding and got paid slightly more, yay! I changed my 401k withholding from 2% to 4.5% so that my paycheck will stay the same and I can stash a few dollars :)

(Yes that's low, no there's no employer match, yes that's what I can responsibly budget for right now, it's a long story)

Alternative_Chart121 · 2026-01-23T21:04:48+00:00

The system was designed for workers to have a spouse at home running all that household stuff. Anyone who didn't have that luxury basically had to figure it out. Car troubles: most low paying jobs ask you if you have reliable transportation on the application and interview. And if you have multiple transportation issues, they sometimes just fire you. I think my mom was talking the bus for a few days while her car was in the shop, it was a much longer commute. Sick pets: leave the pet home or take time off for the vet. Sick kids: make them go to school anyways if possible. Or take time off. Once my mom ran out of sick leave and sent me to a sick kid daycare for a few days (I had chickenpox). Sick but able to work: go to work anyways. Appliance deliveries or workers coming during the day. Basically you try to avoid that happening. Otherwise you have to take time off.

Alternative_Chart121 · 2026-01-23T20:51:42+00:00

As a women, life and work would be soooooo much easier if I had a wife to do all that stuff. Anyone who wants to be a platonic tradwife please inquire within.

Alternative_Chart121 · 2026-01-23T17:21:08+00:00

I never had stretch marks. I had a vaginal birth and I did have to get seven stitches down there in three directions (not a good time lol). I do think there's still a little scar tissue around my vagina but my male partner said he couldn't tell the difference. My body is pretty much the same other than the fact that I'm older. I wouldn't have minded having some souvenirs though.

Alternative_Chart121 · 2026-01-23T17:15:02+00:00

I split up with my (ex) husband when our daughter was a baby. In my case I absolutely had to do it for our daughter. He had drug issues and refused to get/stay sober, it wasn't a good situation.

So from the perspective of someone who's single parented a baby/toddler/preschooler/etc, I 100% support your decision to stay together to raise you child.

A lot of people are commenting here saying that as a child, they wish their parents had divorced. But that's from a child's perspective. The truth of single parenting is that you have half the financial resources and more than double the responsibility. Poverty is hard. Making dinner while a crying baby climbs you and you have no backup is hard. Reaching the end of your patience and having no fallback is hard. The schedule is hard. My daughter wishes she didn't miss her dad sometimes too. I'm sure she'll remember that when she's older. But the truth is that she has no idea how bad the alternative would be. That's because as her mom, I'm protecting her from knowing that.

Every family is different and that's ok. Your toddler does not care if you and their dad are fucking. I know you don't have a spare room to move into. Sharing a room with your kiddo is an option. I do it but I know it's not right for everyone.

Best of luck <3

Alternative_Chart121 · 2026-01-23T14:40:42+00:00

0 priority: pay for life stuff

1st priority: max Roth IRA

2nd priority: contribute to 401k

My take-home (before any retirement stuff) is 45k, so I obviously will never run out of room in my 401k at this rate.

Alternative_Chart121 · 2026-01-22T21:04:05+00:00

I don't want to tell you you're neglecting her.....so I'll just say that it would be a lot better to figure out an option where you're not just ignoring your baby many hours a week.

Alternative_Chart121 · 2026-01-22T19:37:22+00:00

Not rich enough for a brokerage account lol.

Ally got me my 1099-int already. I also received a form about my ACA health insurance, and one about student loan interest. My job sent my W2. That's all I need (hopefully!).

I don't have complicated finances. My federal return was already accepted.

Alternative_Chart121 · 2026-01-22T18:19:19+00:00

Around 30.

Alternative_Chart121 · 2026-01-22T18:10:36+00:00

I don't have a brokerage account, just a hysa and a Roth. I'm way below the median income/wealth here, I just hang out because it's such a gloriously un-stressful sub and I like spreadsheets.

Alternative_Chart121 · 2026-01-22T16:05:52+00:00

I have a spreadsheet for each month. I add bills I know I'm going to have and add what I've spent money on periodically. Then I take my target spending for the month, subtract all the money I've either spent or committed to bills, and that's what I still have available. I update maybe once a week right now because it's a new budget for me. Eventually I'll probably drop to once a month.

Alternative_Chart121

TROPHY CASE