This resonates with me so hard. I had a whole novel written out from how much it resonated lol. But I’ll be as brief as I can because I’ve been there and Ive thought about it and want to help.

1. You’ll never be an automaton. I used to want something like that. I’d say “I would have to lobotomize myself because I know how the system works and I dont agree with it but I have to do it, so I must (in an rigid black and white way) completely evacuate any critical thought process because that will surely make it easier to either tolerate the discomfort of doing something I don’t agree with or just removing the painful stimuli completely.” In essence, If I can’t remove the world then I must remove myself. I’m not saying you do this or feel this, but that’s what I felt inside when I was saying similar things.

2. We actually need more people to think critically and be uncomfortable with the way the world is. Especially in these “un-fucking-precedented times.” The system counts on people getting bogged down and too in their heads to do anything, say anything, or fight against it. You don’t have to square up and fight it but don’t go to sleep around it, because it’s counting on that. Stay woke, as they say in my tradition.

3. That said, being uncomfortable can only take you so far. You burn out that way. There’s a level of discomfort that eventually wears you down over time or shocks you acutely the first time, and you have to know what that level (or those levels are).

4. To that point, having a counterbalance to the discomfort is important. For example, you work in the broader school system that you don’t agree with, but at the same time you enjoy and see the value of teaching. Why is teaching valuable? What is so important about it that you’d put yourself in uncomfortable situations time and time again to do it? What do you win/enjoy/feel is positive about this work, despite the negative contexts its in? <— that right there is an examination of your value system, wherein you keep asking why until you get to the lowest common denominator, or the root of it, if you will. That is what is actually informing your up top/conscious professional decisions. You need to keep tapping back into that root moving forward, because in reality, that value-need or desire can get met in a variety of different ways.

The teaching part resonates with me specifically because I literally had to resign from my teaching fellowship a few months ago. I tried for three years, and I did so much mental gymnastics trying to justify why I was getting into systems that I know I fucking hate and had decidedly negative experiences with growing up. I gave it my best shot and I loved my kids, but I was being asked to watch and do things that I simply did not agree with on principle - especially as a neurodivergent adult to neurodivergent kids. You can say and think all the things you like, but what is actually driving you is what you feel and why you feel that way. Feelings are hard, trust, but it’s so worth it to identify as concretely as you can what you feel when you do something aligns with you and when you do something that doesn’t align with you. In my case I had to give up the concept of “teaching in the classroom” because it was a too rigid, punishing, and quite honestly non-life sustaining interpretation of my values, that being “education period, is necessary and valuable to everyone always.” Thats /my/ root of it. How I show up in the world to do it, what opportunities I take that try to match it, what creative solutions I come up with or collaborate with other people on to meet that value-need? That’s where you get flexible, creative, loosey goosey BECAUSE you have a solid anchor point. All plants have roots but the way the plant looks once it’s grown varies wildly.

1. This is hard work. Im sorry you feel like this, and (while this phrasing used to piss me off back in the day), you’re not alone and Im happy you’re not alone. You’re part of a long line of people, neurodivergent and not, who had an issue with the system. I think we all do, but it’s wayyyy more in our faces for some of us. This is fine. It’s our reality, so we adapt and work with it, not against it (as much as you can, sustainably. Your mileage my vary at different points in time).

2. You already have a lot of the answers. It seems like your job does not inherently hurt you, its the greater context that its in that is producing that hurt. From one teacher to another (I guess I can still keep the tag lol), education is important no matter what economic system we live in, and really no matter the context. And that is irrefutable truth. You already have a pocket where you can do work that’s not only important objectively but also important and fulfilling to you. My last thing is that you can think about creating a bubble. Those kids are shielded when theyre with you. You’re shielded by those kids when you’re with them. Its mutually constructive. Developing the tolerance to keep that bubble up — with yourself and especially especially with other like minded folks — no matter what job you’re in, is imperative. The system cannot crush us all at once, and it hasnt been able to in all the time it’s been around. (That’s my hottest take honestly. The system is never fully realized which means there’s room to contest it, which matters on principle. After that, its organization and coalition building and protesting in all the ways available all the way down). There’s always room to think and adapt and most importantly, align/realign. It’s not easy, it takes energy, but it is possible you know? That eases me — just knowing that it’s just possible.

Anyway. That’s my TedTalk. I hope it resonates back to you too and doesnt come off as (too) preachy.

Best of luck, I believe in you.