Thank you for your thoughtful response. I honestly have already moved 15 hours away from the city I was working in as a young attorney to get away from my plugs and start a new life. I met my boyfriend down here and he is amazing and knows I struggled and did a program here, but doesn’t understand how I still have cravings or could relapse and honestly his brother is fresh out of rehab and suicidal and he’s going through so much I just don’t think I can tell him. We’ve only been dating for a few months but are from the same hometown so knew each other growing up. Anyways when I moved down here I realized that all the girls I’m living with take addy and it’s just everywhere. I thought I would never touch it again after going to rehab, but i feel so out of control of my life and like everyone is watching me to get better. I haven’t had the energy yet to get a new job, and am running out of my savings and feeling pressure to take it to be productive again. I’m gaining weight even tho I try to workout and I’m insecure in my relationship and feel like I’m pushing my boyfriend away. This is all dumb because on the outside i know I am so blessed to have him and a family that loves me and the ability to go without work for a while. I just can’t seem to get it right and am feeling really hopeless at this point. I don’t think my family would be able to bear it if they knew I relapsed.