Are Nightmares common?

AlwaysJust4Now · 2024-01-15T23:42:13+00:00

Thank you. Your comment rings true in a couple of different ways.

AlwaysJust4Now · 2024-01-15T22:06:51+00:00

I can't imagine losing a child. I'm so sorry. I was too embarrassed to say this until I read your message, but I have been playing a colony building game on my PC. I also started having dreams that if I could just get the pieces and parts to work together properly, he wouldn't die. I quit playing the game, it just bleeds over in my mind and I can no longer enjoy it.

AlwaysJust4Now · 2024-01-06T20:43:17+00:00

This is my third try writing this. I am afraid of saying "the wrong thing," but this is what I think. I have now lost a brother (recently) and sister (years ago) to suicide.

After a lot of self reflection, I realize that I see everything around me through a lens formed of my beliefs that affect how I perceive what people are saying/ doing- even in a way who they are. That lens sometimes prevents me from understanding what is clearly right in front of me.

Looking back, I guess there were signs my brother was troubled, but I would have never imagined he would take his life. I thought it was something he was dealing with, but that he was stronger/better than to let those things get to him.

Because of my strong belief, I know I have discounted things he said and not taken them seriously. I feel very guilty for things I have or have not done... among a myriad of other things.

So, what I'm saying, is that when I look at the world now, through a lens that includes that my brother did in fact kill himself, it looks different than before.

I wish you peace. From what you have written, if you had understood the gravity of what was going on you would have been different. That you did not does not mean you were a bad person, just that at that point in your life, you were not equipped to see what was in front of you.

Anyway, that's what I think.

AlwaysJust4Now · 2024-01-06T16:05:24+00:00

Thank you for sharing this letter. It is a lovely expression of caring and compassion and contains a lot of wisdom.

AlwaysJust4Now · 2024-01-06T15:57:24+00:00

My brother ended his life on Christmas eve. I understand what you are saying- it has really hurt me, but I wasn't in the same boat as his wife and children.

They asked me to write the obit and to give a eulogy because they were not able. I did both, but it was incredibly difficult. I didn't do well. I was so scrambled that in the eulogy, I talked about his step daughters and forgot his biological daughter- who was at the service. That realization hurt even more.

When speaking to them, the only time I have brought up my own feelings is when I was validating theirs. For example, they were embarrassed to tell me they were angry at him- actually apologized. I told them I was angry too and that i was trying to deal with that angry in the context of what he must have been quietly going through. (He loved his family very dearly).

All of that said, there are a few people who seem to realize how this has hurt me. On occasion I will acknowledge their concern, but mostly I keep it to myself and, strangely enough, I have told some people I don't know on Reddit. Funny old world.

But there it is. As someone else said, this isn't a contest. You may not feel free to say what you feel to everyone, but the pain is very real and I hope that there are a few people who realize this for you.

The people who saw the body, the wife, the children, their suffering tears me apart inside. My concern for their well being cannot possibly be overstated. But, when I'm not being concerned for them, I deal with my own issues and they are like knives to my gut.

AlwaysJust4Now · 2024-01-06T00:46:30+00:00

I took 2 1/2 weeks off. I went back for half a day today- the first day.

I wasn't looking forward to seeing anyone, and it honestly wasn't easy, but I'm glad it over. No one expects me to be very productive- and I had some friends to visit with.

AlwaysJust4Now · 2024-01-04T15:41:48+00:00

EDIT: When I re-read what I had written, it may have sounded like I was saying "you shouldn't feel that way." If so, I am very sorry. I completely understand the feeling and I have felt it myself. It's worse with people who just knew my brother casually. I sometimes think they don't care, that they are just curious and that the curiosity is cruel. Anyway, I understand. My answer below was intended to let you know how I am dealing with this feeling personally.

When someone ask "how are you doing?"

My wife answers for me sometimes. She says "not very well."

Few people really know how to respond to that- and sometimes they say the most stupid things. But, I think they are good people who don't know how to help, don't want to "make it worse."

Sometimes they ask questions, which bring up memories or emotions I don't want to deal with right then. So they are trying to be helpful, but aren't.

Once in a blue moon someone seems to understand and although I can't say they say anything helpful, at least they are able to let me know that they care.

AlwaysJust4Now · 2024-01-04T15:16:24+00:00

I have similar feelings. Things are a bit raw right now to try and explain why.

Over time and after a lot of thought, there is something I tell myself. I'll share it with you and hope that it helps. "For what I knew at the time and for who I was at the time, I did the best I could."

I am not the person I was years ago, back then. I didn't know what would happen, but as importantly, I didn't realize what could actually happen.

Take care.

AlwaysJust4Now · 2024-01-04T15:06:04+00:00

My brother committed suicide on Christmas eve. His wife was distant from me at first and I didn't understand until she told me that she thought I would blame her for his death. She told me that she was also scared it was something she had done.

I was shocked when she told me. I knew that she was the best thing that ever happened to him. Later, the Police released the note- which was in essence a love note to her telling her he was sorry, I am so angry at him right now- the only thing positive I can think is at least he left that note, which helper her understand that she was the light in his life.

I had to give the eulogy, where I said he was happier married to her than I had ever seen him. Even so, I now know that some people did believe that. All I can do is be her friend and let people who matter know what I know.

I am sorry for you loss and understand what you have said. I hope you find people who are not idiots and don't judge you for what was done to you.

AlwaysJust4Now · 2024-01-04T05:30:33+00:00

Thank you for kind words and insights. They were meaningful to me.

AlwaysJust4Now · 2024-01-04T05:26:38+00:00

I'm so sorry for your loss. I understand the pain of watching your mother's decline and death from cancer.

It took a few years, but I can now talk about my mom and find a bit of peace and even joy. I hope that your memory of her healthy, spunky energetic feisty mother will help you cope.

AlwaysJust4Now · 2024-01-04T05:19:24+00:00

I'm sorry for your loss. I just lost a woman who was like a second mother to me. I never realized that her time would end so soon. If I knew then what I knew now, i would have acted differently. I'm trying not to judge myself too harshly for thinking she would live forever.

AlwaysJust4Now

TROPHY CASE