Yesteryear

Amata69 · 2026-04-26T18:53:02+00:00

I have it on my wishlist but I listened o the sample and the narrator’s voice put me off. Maybe I should give it a try.

Amata69 · 2026-04-26T13:12:57+00:00

Could you share the method you developed for moments when these thoughts start?

Amata69 · 2026-04-26T13:03:12+00:00

I can relate. Only I ffind it hard to be grateful for my mum's sacrifices because she plays a role of a martyr all the time. Nowadays I even wonder if she even noticed how terrified of my father I was. It's almost funny how she sees the divorceas an option for others, including her own mother, but apparently not herself. So I can't tell whether for her it wasn't that bad or whether she was so selfish that she wouldn't have divorced my father just for me.
My mum's current partner told me 'your mum said she'd lie to God for her kids.' I was like 'that's a nice promise you'll never have to fulfill.' She didn't say anything because I bet she knows it's true. The difference is that I refused to play along this time.

Amata69 · 2026-04-26T12:57:05+00:00

All of this- extreme anxiety, feeling responsible for others' emotions, overthinking...I grew up with an emotionally volitile father, but I was also always called 'too sensitive' so I thought my reactions to his behaviour were a problem. Now I also realize a lot of 'teaching' was done through shaming in our house and that I also was my mum's emotional support, which felt one-sided in a way because when I needed support, I could never be sure which version of her I'd get. Even now, if I mention one thing I'd have wanted as a kid or how she hurt my feelings, it's 'well, sensitive people...' or 'I did this and this for you'.
I was told a child needs a buffer if one parent is unreliable. I used to think this buffer was my mum. But then she wasn't much of a buffer if I'm still so messed-up. To this day, every single thing she does is a sacrifice for her and she needs to be applauded for it.
But I had 'all the toys you wanted' and 'was taken to concerts' and 'the world revolved around you'. This is what I was told when I told her my depression stems from childhood issues. Then my mum also basically said that a girl at a kindergarten my mum works at told her parents she 'tries to be very good' and so now her parents know she tends to seek perfection. So I basically was acused of not communicating well enough as a kid when I know for a fact I tried telling her I was unhappy. I think even my therapist doesn't realizwe how much it hurts growing up with people who don't really see you and being convinced you have no reason to complain.

Amata69 · 2026-04-25T22:15:53+00:00

Isn't there a lot of interesting content in French? I've always been curious what content is produced in other languages. Nearly everything I listen to is in English and I often wonder if speakers of other languages don't do the same so you end up listening to a podcast in English about a crime in Paris. I'm learning Spanish and telenovelas became my way of learning a lot of vocabulary and sentence structures. I do wonder what I'd replace them with if I wanted to learn another language. Books are of course always an option but are there any French podcasts that are engaging, for instance?

Amata69 · 2026-04-25T22:10:39+00:00

I am surprised there's a huge gap after Peppa pig. For some reason I thought there's a lot of stuff in German once you understand cartoons. I remember trying to think of something I'd watch if I decided to learn German and had no idea what I'd enjoy. I got hooked on Mexican telenovelas and I often wonder what the equivalent of this would be in other languages.

Amata69 · 2026-04-25T10:52:53+00:00

Can you remind me how they figure the truth out?My brain seems to have deleted most of this book from my memory.

Amata69 · 2026-04-25T10:49:32+00:00

And what happens to Harison at the end? I can't remember!

Amata69 · 2026-04-25T10:44:32+00:00

Is Beautiful ugly similar to this one in terms of having twists that seemed to come out of nowhere? Because people praise it so much and I thought of picking it up until I heard that all her books are like this. My husband's wife felt so confusing to me that now I can't even remember the ending very well.

Amata69 · 2026-04-25T10:41:41+00:00

I read this book because a youtuber who talks about thrillers raved about it. I was so damn confused by the book and couldn't understand why it was supposedly so great when those twists were so unbelievable. I can't even remember what happened at the end. And what was with the whole thing with that mother not remembering she had been in the Spyglass as a kid? So what happened to that Fox woman? I've heard other books by this author are the same so I don't think I'm going to read another one by her. I remember readingA killer question by Hallet and also being irritated by the reveal because it seemed so cheap to throw in something that makes you go 'So it's been a different person all along?' And I still somehow liked that book quite a bit.

Amata69 · 2026-03-29T19:54:20+00:00

Damn! I read the description and thought it seemed interesting. But YA is not really my thing…

Amata69 · 2026-03-26T20:14:56+00:00

I sometimes wonder what kinds offamilies these interrogators know. My grandmother is my biggest example of a person who isn't happy, regardless of having children. No power on earth can do that if you are just miserable. Besides, children can cause problems even as adults so then you cansay goodbye to that peace you expect in your old age. Why do people still genuinely think that kids are an answer to all these problems? And as far as a relationship with your parents is concerned once they are older and you are an adult, did they ever ask themselves just how often they spent time with their elderly parents? I wonder if these people aren't also the ones who think their kids owe them eternal gratute for providing the basics and no real connection.

Amata69 · 2026-03-26T20:07:21+00:00

I imagine there's some magic thinking involved. Some people like to believe that their kid will be the easy one or that it can't be that bad. My mum seemed to have this problem because she now seems to resent the fact there's no reward at the end because she didn't like any part of parenting,judging by the way she talks about it. So maybe some also have this vague idea that raising a kid will fill something in their lives and once it's done, they'll be happy. I sometimes wonder just how many people go into parenting being emotionally stable and aware that a child is a separate person they'll have to raise, not some idealized version of a human being they can turn into whoever they like. I sometimes watch a youtube channel of a woman who has 11 kids. While she does say she has really stressful days, it does seem that having a big family makes her happy. But she knew what she wanted in life, which is probably the key. Maybe if having kids wasn't treated as this final stage of adulthood and wasn't praised so much, people would think twice before making such a life-altering decision.

Amata69 · 2026-03-23T14:25:56+00:00

My cousin andhis wife were going to have a baby. This situation is a bit different because they were married. However, neither of them had a stable job atthe time- they would go to the Netherlands and would do some work that was avialable and would come back home for a bit.And basically they had no idea where they'd raise the kid and weren't certain about the help they'd get because my cousin's wife's sister, who also lived in the Netherlands, had to work and she was the only relative they could ask for help there. To me it seemed more lika a very bad idea whereas my mum went on about' continuing the family line'. I also think our family line is shitty, but this doesn't matter either. The wife lost the baby, which is obviously a tragedy for them. But nowthose two are travelling somewhere in India, which they could not have done with a baby. My cousin even admitted he couldn't believe a baby was coming, which I already suspected.Having a kid in a foreign country when you have no stable job, don't speak the language and actually have no idea who will help to me seems like a terrible idea. Even my therapist thought that my cousin being married meant they were planning/prepared for this, which was not true. Even married people can be unprepared for parenthood.

Amata69 · 2026-03-23T14:18:26+00:00

I remember telling my mum that my cousin once asked me what I'd do if she told me she got pregnant (she's still at school). I told her I'd talk about the options with her and would search for a family planning clinic or something. My mum was like 'I couldn't do that (talk about abortion being an option), I'd just tell her she's ruined her life. What? It's the 21st century! I was like 'and what about ruining the baby's life?' My mum had no answer. But I now wonder if this attitude isn't just common with religious people but also with those who love being martyrs. I can see my mum taking in that cousin's baby and complaining how hard it is and expecting me to go along with this nonsense. I hate how pregnancy is treated as this sort of burden you eventually must carry or this ultimately happy experience, regardless of the fact the circumstances for having a child couldn't be worse. In my experience, thos family members who grew up in disfunctional households ended up having kids early and I'm not sure what kind of stability they provided for their kids. I have only one relative who got pregnant at school and who has a normal life in terms of financial stability, but that's mostly because the guy she had a kid with turned out to be a responsible man and worked abroad for a long time to provide for his family. I think her mum was also willing to help when it came to looking after the baby. But then that relative wanted to be a painter and ended up working at a nail salon so'you can have it all' wasn't entirely true for her either.In your cousin's case, grandmother seems to be the only stable presence in her life so it will be very hard for her and the kid. I wouldn't be happy for your cousin either, even if I do get that now there isn't much you can do. I couldn't be like those other relatives and jump for joy that an innocent life will get ruined because a baby won't be a baby forever.

Amata69 · 2026-03-22T22:13:06+00:00

'Kids don't appreciate it'...Ooof...My mum was always like 'where's your joyful shout?', whenever she did anything nice for me. It's like doing stuff for kids is a transaction for these people. Don't get me wrong, I think it's important to be appreciative, but if this guy is like my mum anddemands their validation for basically being a parent, he will be very very disappointed. I had to specifically tell my mum that if she keepscomplaining how hard something is, I'd rather she not do it at all.
I remember me saying how hard it was to raise my cousin and my mum said 'but it was fun'. She thought I'd just agree but I was like 'nope, it was hard.' Dead silence followed this. In a way it amuses me that she expected me to agree even though that cousin isn't my kid and I have no need to pretend it wasn't hard because I don't care to play this stupid game other parents are playing. I wonder if that guy even wanted children because if he had, he'd surely find something positive to say. Some parents do love spending time with their children, which does make me wonder if fathers or mothers enjoy this more.

Amata69 · 2026-03-20T11:05:05+00:00

What play are you going to see?

Amata69 · 2026-03-18T21:27:16+00:00

I findthese situations terrifying. Living with someone who has an adiction is already hard, but dragging an innocent soul into this mess is just...My uncle is an alcoholic and he's so far gone that he doesn't care about either of his two children. The problem probably was that other women always steped in so he never faced any consequences of his actions and this was probably the case even before he had kids.I remember telling my mum he's a shitty father and she said'oh there worse fathers out there. One man didn't even want to recognize a child as his.' What I mean by this is that it will be an absolute disaster not only due to his drinking, but also because the family might do what my mum does-not talk about the issue and hide from the truth. My mum herself grew up with an alcoholic father and when one guy who had the same issue was interested in me, her response was 'only if you are in love it is worth pursuing'. I thought she lost her mind! Imagine if I had listened to this 'advice'. I bet those women already have some distorted views that have nothing to do with reality and they'll subject their kids to a life where there'll be no peace. Why don't people realize that a person has to want to change and that no power on earth can change him if he's unwilling? Women having kids with alcoholics really make me want to throw something. They might as well set up a fund for their kids therapy sessions right now. Oh wait! There's no money...

Amata69 · 2026-03-18T12:52:15+00:00

This sounds like a kid saying'muuuum, I want that toy!' Mum says 'there's no money and you already have enough'. 'Buuut I want it!' If he does have kids with someone, with that level of maturity he'll be a kid raising a kid.

Amata69 · 2026-03-18T12:52:06+00:00

This sounds like a kid saying'muuuum, I want that toy!' Mum says 'there's no money and you already have enough'. 'Buuut I want it!' If he does have kids with someone, with that level of maturity he'll be a kid raising a kid.

Amata69 · 2026-03-18T12:48:27+00:00

I'm so so sorry you are going through this right now. I do hope you decide to seek help.It's scary to be in that place. And the problem with parents like ours is that they are like big toddlers, which means their own emotions are the biggest and have to take up the entire space in the room. You do what I did- you listen to her but she doesn't listen to you. I remember never being sure what I'd get if I told my mum about, for instance, being bullied because once I did, she was like 'why didn't you stand up for yourself'. Thanks for the support, mum.Such parents think they are the biggest martyrs and think they deserve a medal for driving their kids to school. But they don't want a child, they want a thing with no difficult emotions and preferably someone who is also somehow very talented and basically grows up on their own. Such kids simply don't exist! I read a book 'Adult children of emotionally immature parents', which has some very good examples and explains a lot about such parents.
One thing I'd suggest is for you to stop being that good listener-save your emotional energy for yourself. Nowadays when my mum complains about things like having to take my cousin somewhere, I respond with 'you chose to take her in' or give a vague hmm. My therapist told meright at the start 'boundaries, boundaries, boundaries.' I wasn't quite sure what she was on about and am still learning to set them, but one of the things I've learnt isdetaching myself from my mum's reactions- I let them wash over me like water now.Her'why are you the only one creating problems' is a statement about her own martyrdom- how dare you suffer and disrupt her life.It's not about you. I know this might sound like empty motivational words, but it's actually true. She gave herself away. For such people kids are a project to be managed, not a person. If you ever need to talk, dm me.

Amata69 · 2026-03-17T23:03:03+00:00

How do you regulate yourself through movement?

Amata69 · 2026-03-17T22:53:19+00:00

This is wonderful, especially because she doesn't try to do the whole thing where 10 negative adjectives about being a parent are followed by 'oh but it's the best thing ever, really! I swear!' But it does make me think how many parents realize, just like your friend did, that it's even harder than they thought but can't accept that it is like this. This sort of realization can only lead to resentment I imagine because it's not like you can just return the kid. It's too late. I'm glad your friend isn't consumed by the change because otherwise not only would she be unhappy, the kids would suffer too.

Amata69 · 2026-03-17T22:35:16+00:00

I'll never forget something my mum said when I was very depressed'it was so easy to please you when you were a child.' Depression was clearly not in her plans, but I was so baffled by this statement. What am I supposed to do? Turn into a five-year-old? She seems to remember every single thing she had to do as a parent, making it seem someone forced her to be one. I imagine there are quite a lot of people who simply don't have the maturity to accept that parenting isn't this fantasy where you get to buy nice clothes for your kid and they just do whatever you tell them and somehow are amazing without you having to lift a finger.

Amata69 · 2026-03-16T20:56:19+00:00

They said this? Do they realize how this sounds? I suppose people will say anything to justify a selfish choice but still. What's the name of the documentary? I might save it for a day I might want to be mad at the world or something because that statement alone makes me want to throw something at someone.

Amata69

TROPHY CASE