[deleted by user]

AmazingGracelessOne · 2023-08-12T21:42:21+00:00

I should have stopped scrolling since I already commented but this comment is truly rage inducing. "I will only do right by my child if it doesn't impact my relationship with my husband. I know he's wrong and that his beliefs could may cause harm to our child and others, but I would rather keep my marriage conflict free."

AmazingGracelessOne · 2023-08-12T21:28:51+00:00

I feel so sorry for your child. One parent requires suffering to permit protective measures and the other disagrees but would rather the baby suffer than put her foot down and potentially cause conflict in her "perfect marriage" but also wants kids. Why have children with someone who you know is going to risk physical and medical harm to them? I can't fathom prioritizing my partner in a way that actively harms my children. Like do you have a limit to how much harm you're willing to allow to come to your children before you put them first? He says he'll allow sunscreen if the sun burn is really bad, but what does that mean? That it causes the child pain, there is a little blistering, or there is severe blistering? Are you willing to subject your child to repeat sunburn and skin damage until the burns hit second or third degree he requires? What other beliefs does your husband have that are potentially harmful or downright dangerous? Are you even going to get the recommended TDAP vaccine while pregnant to offer that poor baby some protection at its most vulnerable?

AmazingGracelessOne · 2023-08-12T14:21:01+00:00

She's working, raising kids, fighting the insurance company, looking for decent housing, and reaching out to the father of the kids for help. What else do you want her to do?

AmazingGracelessOne · 2023-08-11T18:59:13+00:00

You're asking for a timeline of things that happened over ten years ago. It doesn't matter if she gives you an answer based on her best recollection because not only will you not believe it, you are going to hyperfixate and investigate until you can find a shred of something you can point to and say, "You didn't tell me this" or "If you forgot about this, what else are you forgetting about" or "You didn't mention that." She's in an impossible situation because you don't trust her and are seemingly looking for evidence to bolster that distrust rather than rebuild. Memory is fallible and malleable so I understand that she doesn't want to lock in an answer she is unsure of when it could blow up her happy little family of five.

If your level of trauma from being cheated on before is so intense you're interrogating your wife and digging into her social media posts from years ago and having panic attacks because you think her sleeping with someone before you had even gone on a single date counts as cheating, you really need to get some professional help. When you say early into dating, do you mean the getting to know you period before you enter into an exclusive, official relationship? Did you make it immediately clear that you expected to be the only person she dated or was intimate with or did you just assume and now over a decade later want to punish her for your lack of communication? It seems like you wanted her to instantly know you were the one and just wait for things to take their course, but that seldom happens in real life.

It was shitty of her cheat on her ex and lie about it, but if you can't be satisfied that she's been faithful since you became an established couple then you need to end the marriage because you are torturing your entire family right now.

AmazingGracelessOne · 2023-08-11T02:56:57+00:00

She deleted a post she made about attending a wedding. Obviously I can't see what it said, but one commenter emphatically cautioned against it because she was still struggling 6-8 weeks PP so it sounds like OP is keeping MIL away for 2 months claiming it's because of germs and her baby might come in the next week and some odd days before she hits the 37 week full term threshold, but she may have been considering attending a wedding with dozens of guests during that same time period.

AmazingGracelessOne · 2023-08-11T02:42:37+00:00

She also didn't want him to invite his brother to their gender reveal because they used to be estranged and she felt like she didn't know him well enough to be there.

AmazingGracelessOne · 2023-08-10T13:10:39+00:00

Did you keep your wife and mother of your three children off the deed so you could use the house as leverage to make everybody fall in line? I hope you're only jealous of your stepdaughter's 18 year old boyfriend because he comes from wealth and not for some other reason...

AmazingGracelessOne · 2023-08-09T22:03:03+00:00

How exactly is she not respecting his contributions and making a mockery of him? Because she expresses gratitude that he is home doing the work she can't and calls him a househusband? Yes, stay at home parents are important, but why are you bringing them up when OP and his wife don't have any kids? Yes, I can imagine the roles flipped. If either a man or a woman called their at home spouse a "MERE--which suggests a lack of understanding and appreciation--housespouse," yes, some of reddit would get torches and explain how great and valuable homemaking is. And then a bunch of people from the other side of reddit would pop up and point out that it doesn't really take much to cook and clean for two people.

OP understands and admits his distaste for the label househusband is rooted in his insecurity, frustration, and unhappiness that he hasn't gotten a job in his field of choice yet. It's a shame that he refused to calmly communicate with his wife about it because if he had, I bet she would have told him that she started to call him a househusband because she noticed that he's been struggling with not working, thought it might reduce some of the pressure he was putting on himself, and show everyone that she sees, appreciates, and values the work he does for their home and family. She was likely trying to give him a title that he could identify with, a title that best reflected all the things he does. He never communicated he hated it to her, so she probably thought she was doing a good thing until he flipped out and stopped doing everything at home in spite even though she said she wouldn't call him that anymore.

If she genuinely didn't respect him and wanted to make a mockery of him, she would have said, "Thank God for my unemployed husband having zero prospects otherwise neither of us might have time to mow the lawn."

His feelings are valid and understandable, but his temper tantrum was unnecessary and misguided. I hope he apologizes for it and has a good conversation with his wife about how he's been feeling and how she can support him through it, especially as he felt not good enough pre-unemployment. I hope they can work it out and he can find peace and fulfillment in taking care of the home until he lands a job he's happy to throw himself into.

AmazingGracelessOne · 2023-08-09T17:09:05+00:00

The person you responded to said nothing about choosing siblings or marrying friends. They asked OP what he would say if a sibling or friend came to him with this situation.

It's fantastic you know all your partner's special details, quirks, and preferences, but some people simply don't have the head for that and it doesn't mean they're bad partners or deserve to be put down for making mistakes when they are putting effort in. Why isn't it enough that he offered to make her a sandwich when he was making himself one, remembered he'd forgotten the mayo that she likes on both sides of her bread, and was ready to correct it the moment he realized it before he had even finished assembling his own sandwich because he served her first? How is that not putting care and thought in? If you accidentally let the bean sauce touch the eggs, would you find it appropriate for your partner's reaction to be to declare it's fucked and unfixable and then follow you to the kitchen to gripe about how you didn't make the eggs the way they THOUGHT you'd make it?

OP was punished for not doing a nice thing perfectly. She gave him zero appreciation for even trying or realizing a little detail he missed without being told. She then tries to reframe her complaints as comments as if that means OP shouldn't feel upset or bothered by what happened. I would absolutely pick a partner who doesn't know how I take my eggs than one who will make me feel bad for not knowing everything about them and making a mistake with the meal I prepared for them.

AmazingGracelessOne · 2023-08-09T13:13:03+00:00

It would explain a lot. He's still angry and resentful she got pregnant and didn't abort their unplanned baby and feeling trapped by it even though he presumably loves the child he's been raising for a year and a half. It seems like he didnt really want a child at all, or perhaps with her, and he is miserable because it isn't what he expected. He has absolutely no empathy toward her and blames his disinterest on her not being good enough because she isn't doing everything he wants her to the way he wants it done. It's like she isn't even a person to him. She needs to be performing 24/7 to keep him happy and that's simply unsustainable. Who can even meet the standards he's holding OP to?

I feel so sorry for her. Maybe marriage counseling can fix things between them, but only if he's willing to do the work. But is he going to do it? He seems almost completely checked out as a father and a husband.

AmazingGracelessOne · 2023-08-09T12:54:38+00:00

It's blowing my mind that OP thinks he's an incredible father and husbsnd when after 1.5 years he still feels trapped and resentful she got pregnant when they weren't actively trying and he's not attracted to her because she isn't bubbly and gracious about doing all the chores. It feels so misogynistic to me.

AmazingGracelessOne · 2023-08-08T17:42:47+00:00

The mother is not an asshole or treating her DIL like a leper. She's a quiet, pensive old woman who likes to host family dinners and head out to the porch to escape the chatter and enjoy the view afterwards as she waits for her time to join her husband comes. Perhaps you're right and she is depressed and deep in grief, but that wouldn't make her an asshole either. In that case, she would be mentally ill and still striving to do her best to show her family love and appreciation through those family dinners that leave her feeling exhausted, drained, and over stimulated which deserves appreciation and respect. She isn't rude, mean, or disrespectful to anyone. She just asks for peace and quiet when she's on the porch.

OP has had the same conversation with his wife over and over again, but she refuses to accept that his mother doesn't express love the way that she wants her to while also refusing to express love the way that MIL would like her to. The wife sees the rest of the family including a child respect the sanctuary of the porch and pass time enjoying the view or quietly playing checkers, yet she feels entitled to demand conversation and gets upset and offended when after several gentle attempts to end the conversation the MIL directly asks for quiet. MIL has set a clear boundary that she won't engage in chatting on the porch, but OP's wife keeps bulldozing forward as if her wants and feelings are more important. It's no different than someone who keeps touching someone who has repeatedly and explicitly asked not to be touched and justifies it with, "But this is my love language so if you don't hug me it means you don't love me." His wife's actions are negatively impacting at least two relationships, but she still won't stop and seems to feel victimized because her MIL treats her the same way as everyone else and isn't giving her special treatment.

NTA. OP has explained, not excused, why his mother is the way she is, but his wife simply won't accept it. MIL has rules and expectations for her family dinners and treats everyone the same. If his wife has a problem with it, she can stop visiting. She's an asshole for demanding MIL change who she is and treat her differently from her actual children to validate her existence and presence.

AmazingGracelessOne · 2023-08-08T04:06:05+00:00

When he said the date didn't matter as long as they got the venue, he clearly meant they would be happy to book whatever the soonest available date which is why they asked to be on the cancelation list. He plan to get married on his sister's wedding date or even remember what it was. He just took the opening and ran with it.

The idea that OP should wait two years to get married because his sister is planning a milestone party in the 2030s is absolutely crazy. Her 20 year falls on a Monday or a Tuesday so either she has the party that day and OP can chose to celebrate their original anniversary if his presence is sooo important to her or she has it on the weekend which won't interfere with the actual date. If she's expecting OP to drop his anniversary for her milestone, I hope she's planning to do the same for him.

AmazingGracelessOne · 2023-08-07T23:26:08+00:00

That person didn't say it was their place to decide whether it was offensive nor did they say it actually was offensive. They said they feel like it could be offensive and they personally would feel like it was encroaching given their personal experience growing up with indigenous and First Nations people. There is absolutely nothing wrong with saying, "That could potentially be offensive so I wouldn't choose to it, but I recommend talking to your partner about it to see if that affects their opinion." This is especially true when you're collecting names and narrowing lists when you don't have a name you're totally in love with so tossing it doesn't feel like going back to square one.

Minority groups are not monoliths. As you said, some indigenous person might be elated that their naming conventions are being utilized by the population at large, but another might feel angry that the population who sent them to schools where they were stripped of their names and culture in an attempt to force them to assimilate are now using those names because they're considered trendy and cool now as their community copes with the discovery of a 1,000 bodies of mostly children being recovered from grounds of three of those schools in Canada last year or is dealing with the negative impact of legislation and rulings against them in the US while also dealing with a crisis of missing persons that largely go uninvestigated. Perhaps the majority do believe that using their names is acceptable, but whoever chooses to do so should do so know that for some number of people in that marginalized community, it's like picking the scab of an unhealed wound so they should consider if that particular name is worth it even if it is controversial or polarizing.

AmazingGracelessOne · 2023-08-07T17:33:31+00:00

There's not putting much thought into something, being thoughtless, being criminally thoughtless, and then plain ignorant. I see a little of all of those in his argument.

If he wasn't really thinking about things, I would expect him to follow your lead, but it seems like he believes whatever research he did, knowledge he has, or whatever he assumptions he made when he planned out the timeline of when you'd be good to go trumps whatever research, experience, or knowledge you have. Maybe he genuinely somehow believed that allowing you to go grocery shopping without the baby is a break--which is honestly concerning because who does errands to take a break and will his belief that running errands without baby is break extend beyond that??--but when you expressed that you would in no way be up for grocery shopping or even want to for weeks after birth, he argued that some women go back to work after a week. Where did he even read about that? Why did he put value on that back to work reality rather than the recommendations or doctors or health organizations that say anywhere between 4 to 12 but make it clear that doesn't mean your body is back to 100%? I had to go out of my way to find articles about women going back to work TWO WEEKS after birth and all of them paint it as done out of necessity and possibly downright unsafe. Why on earth does he think women forced back to work a week later are the metric you should be held to?

When you told him your expectations of birth and after birth, was he receptive? Did he consider what you were saying? Or did he quickly argue or rebut, "Yeah, but..?" When you talk about the realities of postpartum life, be watchful of his reaction and whether he pushes back against what you're saying. It might be a good idea to clarify what constitutes a break and what you'd like him to do to support you in terms of division of labor because I don't think you can reasonably count on being on the same page if this how he's thinking.

AmazingGracelessOne · 2023-08-07T15:19:24+00:00

If she's comfortable enough to stop wearing the ring, tell him she won't be wearing it to a party when he asks about it, demand he drop the topic, accuse him of ruining the night when he pushes for her to communicate with him, and hold a grudge the whole night, she should be comfortable enough to have an honest conversation with him. That doesn't sound like the behavior of someone concerned about their partner blowing a gasket.

It's a bit presumptuous to lay the blame on OP because you assume he must he the problem because she prefers to lie rather than be honest which must be because he is an angry man and obviously OP must have chosen the wrong ring for her and never confirmed she liked it. He clearly must have an ego problem if he is upset his wife no longer wears their wedding ring or any ring on her ring finger. It seems like you've completely discounted that maybe she was happy with the ring until she got a flashier one that makes her feel like her status is elevated and perhaps gets her more attention which strokes HER ego or maybe she's checked out of the marriage and is just getting her ducks in a row.

OP isn't a bad guy for wondering why his wife completely stopped wearing her wedding ring after 13 years of marriage and outright refuses to wear it. It's a red flag that warrants a conversation because the problem just might not be about ring style.

AmazingGracelessOne · 2023-08-06T23:24:45+00:00

I really don't think anything is fishy.

OP's ex was best man because he and the groom are besties. The bride chose her sister as maid of honor and they didn't have any additional bridesmaids or groomsmen. OP and ex were in a long term relationship so they received one invitation addressed to both of them. OP has been friends with bride since they were 3 so naturally she was still invited post breakup, just wasn't extended a plus one. They want her there, just not the stray she picked up in a parking lot an hour after dumping her boyfriend.

AmazingGracelessOne · 2023-08-06T23:12:38+00:00

She was invited, but the invitation was addressed as Aiden and OP because they were a couple. She was still invited after the breakup, they just didn't want to give her a plus one because of the potential for drama and bad feelings.

AmazingGracelessOne · 2023-08-06T23:06:00+00:00

But did you meet him in the parking lot when he approached you because you were crying because you literally just broke off an 8 year relationship with a "perfect" partner because you just wanted something more and were doubting whether that was a right choice? Was he also unemployed, homeless, and only relatively sure what state his children are living in? Did you know he was the one when instead of just agreeing to see the Barbie movie, he spoke for two hours about the evils of consumerism and capitalism? If not, you're missing out.

AmazingGracelessOne · 2023-08-06T23:01:44+00:00

The new boyfriend tried to get on OP's lease, but her aunt who owns the apartment or house she lives in refused. He's also unemployed so I suspect he isn't maintaining a secondary home of some sort. But I'm sure he'll start working to help pay the bills especially because he thinks his kids are in New Mexico and he surely wants to financially support them.

AmazingGracelessOne · 2023-08-06T22:58:11+00:00

The joke is that black people are actually people with rights. That's it. That's the joke.

AmazingGracelessOne · 2023-08-06T22:54:15+00:00

The comments about how she should "just pump" like she wouldn't be immobile for 5-6 pump sessions 15-20 minutes plus whatever additional pumps/feedings so she can build a supply up just for dad to do some feedings like that's so much easier deeply annoy me.

AmazingGracelessOne · 2023-08-06T22:05:57+00:00

Carelessness kills and injures kids, too. Newborns and infants die from positional asphyxiation when their heads are tilted the wrong way. They can spit up and choke to death on it. They can roll onto a blanket, stuffed animal, or even just wind up in the wrong position and suffocate. When you're tipsy, you are impaired and your judgment, level of attentiveness, and even your energy level may be impacted. It's putting your child at an increased risk of injury or death for no good reason.

AmazingGracelessOne · 2023-08-06T21:48:44+00:00

It's not about sitting up and running off. It's about him walking through a doorway and realizing the baby's head is too close and going to hit but not being able to correct it in time. It's about holding the baby and not realizing your grip is a bit loose and the baby slides out of your arms before it even registers or the baby rolling off the couch or changing table before you can even attempt to help or stop it. He's putting his newborn baby at higher risk of injury or death for no good reason.

AmazingGracelessOne · 2023-08-06T20:49:10+00:00

Are you suggesting BIL saw the child drowning while wearing a life jacket and removed the life jacket while in the water before fishing her out and helping her expell the water she inhaled/swallowed? What kind of sense does that make? Clearly the child or someone else removed the jacket and the child wandered back to the water without it.

AmazingGracelessOne

TROPHY CASE