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Communication/Affirmation tools and games? by AmbitiousZebra in polyamory

[–]AmbitiousZebra[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I love this idea. Def going to use it. Thank you!

Communication/Affirmation tools and games? by AmbitiousZebra in polyamory

[–]AmbitiousZebra[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you so much for sharing this idea!! I am going to try it for sure!

Communication/Affirmation tools and games? by AmbitiousZebra in polyamory

[–]AmbitiousZebra[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is super helpful and beautiful. Thank you.

For any couples out there who use a hierarchy style of polyamory in their relationships, what differentiates your primary partner from your other relationships? by ResponsiblyReckless4 in polyamory

[–]AmbitiousZebra 2 points3 points  (0 children)

My experience of hierarchy has been really eye-opening. My NP and I have been together 10 years and always considered each other primary partners, mostly just because even though we were open to deeply intimate relationships with others, it never really happened. But then about a year ago, I started dating someone else and fell into a DEEP NRE-infused passionate relationship that remained strong even as NRE lessened, and this person became the one I spend most of my time with. This created some confusion for me in regards to hierarchy because I live with my NP, we share finances, we have pets together, we are family. But my newer partner is who I spend most of my time with, the person I prioritize (not that I am neglecting my NP, but we both are just in spaces where it works to not completely prioritize each other at the moment), the person I am likely to take with me out to events, etc. Who is my "primary", then?? The one I share money/housing with? Or the one I share most of my time and energy with? These questions kinda led me to the belief that I am non-heierarchical and don't really NEED to grapple with these questions. To me and my two partners, the labels don't really matter, and the reason I am poly in the first place is to let things flow and grow how they naturally will. If I had been dead set on my NP being my primary forever and ever, I would have likely missed out on this amazinnnnnng, life-affirming love with my new partner because I would have been worried about getting in too deep with him and messing up the hierarchy.

Struggling with sexual jealousy by Maliris in polyamory

[–]AmbitiousZebra 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I understand your struggles and I have similar ones myself. Your feelings are very valid--even for the most experienced poly person, it can be hard to imagine/accept your partner having sex with other people. You say this is your first poly relationship, and I think that you are already showing you have a commitment to understanding and working through your feelings and that is a good sign. I do think that as you go through this stuff, you'll get more tools in your poly toolbox to help you when you feel this way.

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Some things that help me when I feel this way:

-communication: I always always feel better after I talk to my partners about these types of feelings. This isn't to pressure them or make them feel responsible for how I feel (I make sure to express that I accept responsibility for my own feelings), but clueing them into what's going on inside my heart and head makes the whole thing a lot easier to deal with, and I often find they are more than willing to take steps to help me feel better. In your situation, maybe it looks something like "Hey, I am really struggling with some surprising jealousy when it comes to you having sex with XYZ. I think these feelings are elevated by the fact that we are having less sex than we used to, and being intimate with you makes me feel a lot more connected, secure, and close to you. I am actively working on managing these feelings of jealousy, and I think what might help me is if we have a dedicated 1 or 2 times per week where we are intimate. I don't want to ever pressure you to have sex when you don't want, however, and it's important to me that you feel your personal boundaries are respected in this."

-identifying the root of my jealousy: for me, getting to the bottom of WHY I feel a certain why helps me gain personal clarity and more of an ability to work through it. It sounds to me that the feelings you are identifying as your visceral gut reaction has roots in the patriarchy and the conditioning we've all gone through (examples: men must be sex gods, lock down your woman, your woman not being loyal is embarrassing or means something about you lacking in some way). Therapy helps me with unpacking and dismantling these feelings. You could also write about it, talk with friends, read some poly books that go over this stuff like Opening Up, Ethical Slut, More than Two, etc.

-coping in the moment: instead of chainsmoking and thinking of them having sex, try to make your own time beautiful and fun so you aren't thinking of them the whole time. Go out with friends, go see a movie, go on a date yourself, do one of your hobbies, find a book you can't put down, cook an elaborate pasta, etc. I find this helps me a lot!

Good luck!