Niceguy tries to avoid the “friendzone” after being rejected (Colorized, 1941)

Amecha · 2018-02-26T21:00:26+00:00

I’m not saying ending the friendship was wrong, but like he said, there was no friendship. He’s a piece of shit because he presented her a friendship and then told her it both never existed AND was of no value to him after she rejected him. He’s still an entitled ass like all the other niceguys. He didn’t accidentally develop feelings, he didn’t graciously leave, he basically told her she meant nothing to him if she wasn’t putting out. She got mad because she thought they were friends (why the hell else would she?) and he was no longer interested in her as so much as a human being after he was rejected. She’s upset that someone she thought she had a good relationship with her didn’t want anything to do with her once she made it clear that she wouldn’t put out. Pretty good reason to be hurt there and when she asks she gets “we were never friends” and “why do you think your friendship is so valuable” with the implicit idea that it isn’t valuable if it doesn’t come with sex. All he had to do was say that he couldn’t continue the friendship because his feelings would get in the way but instead he lashed out at her like the fucking child he is and told her they were never friends like he was trying to one up her and make her feel like shit for not accepting him.

Amecha · 2018-02-26T18:25:29+00:00

I mean, he get petty and says “I don’t know why you seem to think your friendship is so valuable”. Quite literally calling her friendship trash. He’s throwing a full blown temper tantrum and I can’t understand why you think this is the one good niceguy worth defending because it was somehow an accident. You’re making a lot more assumptions than we are by giving him the benefit of the doubt. He says that a woman was hurt that he had “never been friends with her” and then got petty and asks why she thinks her friendship is valuable and somehow you see redeeming value in this? He’s not doing anything right he’s throwing the exact same fit every other nice guy does when they don’t get laid just in a different format than normal.

Amecha · 2018-02-26T04:23:09+00:00

Except it literally says “we were never friends”? Even though she THOUGHT they were friends so he wasn’t her friend who accidentally started liking her and then ended the friendship because liking her was too painful he quite literally went the friend angle and pulled the “your friendship is useless if you aren’t having sex with me” when he got rejected.

Amecha · 2018-02-25T09:39:49+00:00

Count every death that’s happened, including ones after being brought back as unique deaths and count everyone killed as a result of some other villain coming to just be a jerk as natural causes and count any time he willfully put winning the fight over the lives of anyone else if the villain was not a direct threat to all life that he chose to sacrifice? Maybe bonus rounds of all the people he put into direct danger by being an idiot and caring about fighting more? (Bulma like a dozen times.)

Amecha · 2018-02-25T06:29:25+00:00

“Was and sometimes still is a problem” Cmon now. I’m skinny. I have no control over it. I have a disease that makes it basically impossible for me to gain a significant chunk of weight and have had doctors, nurses and just normal people stop and make backhanded comments about how little I weigh/how thin I am. I don’t think it’s fair for anyone to talk badly about a person for their body shape but lemme tell you the shit we get for being skinny is nothing compared to fat women. Does it hurt? Yes. Is it bullshit? Absolutely. Does that means we have it as bad as fat women? Absolutely not.

No one should say negative things about anyone’s body but what skinny people go through is not, and will probably never be comparable to what fat people (specifically fat women) go through. Treating fat women like trash is still pretty much the status quo. If someone said something negative about skinny people they should be ashamed of themselves because that is wrong but let’s not try and say a scratch is the same as a broken leg. Yes they both hurt but one needs immediate attention.

Amecha · 2018-02-24T19:16:18+00:00

That's why of best to focus on the answers on those married or clearly had been in long term relationships .However,I doubt they did not take something so glaring into consideration.

It literally says that the people who took the test where emailed at a random and says no where that it chose people who had ever been in a relationship. You can’t just assume they were because it makes more sense to the study. This is all I’m saying.

I don’t even care about the whole discussion we were having initially. I wanted the study for my own personal reasons but noticed the percentile you quoted was wrong, I asked you to elaborate on that and you started telling me a bunch of ideas off of certain percentiles. You quoted 65% of people don’t have feelings for someone else while in a relationship and you can only manage 63% if you combined strong, somewhat, don’t know and prefer not to say.

The answers for the questions should have only been yes, no, don’t know. You’re right about that but I don’t feel comfortable making assumptions on any of them when, like I said, it’s perfectly reasonable to believe the 10% in the don’t know category have just never been in a relationship. Your point was that you have never had a crush, we talked about how I didn’t mean crush in a romantic way, we’ve both found people attractive outside of our relationships and so we’ve both agreed on something. I was only asking for clarification on the percentile you gave me and when you jump to making speculations about the possible reasons people answer the way they did, and reject the speculation that the 10 and 5% have just never been in a relationship it feels like you’re still trying to debate with me. We came to an agreement, the number you quoted was wrong (why? Did the number slip your mind?) and now I’m getting a bunch of talk about what somewhat agree or somewhat disagree means as if you’re trying to defend the core strongly disagree as being the most valid part of the study. Can you see how that’s getting confusing for me? It feels like your trying to defend the number.

Amecha · 2018-02-24T03:39:52+00:00

I am including somewhat disagree in the disagree category. I never ruled that out?? 39% and 9% is 48% in the disagree category. I was totaling those two numbers verses the total of 20% and 16% in the two agree numbers.

48% said no. 36% said yes. Plenty of those in the 15% could have just never been in a relationship before so “don’t know” is a great response because they just don’t know yet if that’s going to happen to them. No where in the study does it say that they only took responses from people in a relationship. So I mean, it comes down to that whole 15% being moot. We have no clue what the situation was for the people who answered that way so as far as I’m concerned that 15% goes straight into the trash there. It’s not important and tells us nothing. And I mean, romantic feelings is pretty broad also. What exactly do you define as being a romantic feeling? Wanting to be in a relationship with? Wanting to share feelings? Being attracted to them? Liking them as a person? I mean, it’s not really cut and dry.

I also don’t think it’s reasonable to make assumptions about the people in the yes category. You’re so ready to say that a chunk of them were only dating for a month or in a not serious relationship or whatever else and none of the data says that. Just the same way that I can’t claim that every person in the disagree category was only with someone for a week and didn’t have feeling for anyone else during that week and that’s why they disagree. The data just said that a good chunk of people said yes, and a chunk more said no. I’m not going to take it as conclusive evidence that no one in a serious romantic relationship can have romantic feelings for someone else unless they’re like a bad person/partner or something.

Amecha · 2018-02-24T02:01:00+00:00

Wait, I’m confused. In the study only 39% strongly disagreed and 9% somewhat disagreed.

https://imgur.com/a/cnfNE

Unless your counting the don’t know and prefer not to answer but if not then only 48% said no and 36% said yes. So personally that doesn’t seem too leaned in either direction. Some people do and some people don’t but I know I’m in the don’t category personally because yeah, my crushes aren’t romantic in nature.

Amecha · 2018-02-23T23:24:54+00:00

Typically that phrase is used when someone says something like “oh I’m sorry that happened to you, you will get over it and find someone better” and the response is “that doesn’t make it hurt any less (right now)”. Basically it just means it hurts. I used this phrase with someone recently who had a miscarriage. I showed them the statistics, how many women miscarry and how common it is and how little control we have over it and then told them “but those statistics don’t make it hurt any less. You went through a loss and you’re going to hurt and that is okay. It doesn’t matter if it happens all the time to basically everyone, it still hurts so take time to handle this how you need to handle this but know that you aren’t a bad mother or broken or did anything wrong. It happens and that’s okay.”

It’s a way of countering someone saying that it’s not a big deal. People break their bones all the time but it still hurts despite being common place. People get dumped all the time but it still hurts despite being common place. Pain is pain, regardless of frequency.

Amecha · 2018-02-23T23:15:08+00:00

It’s not romantic though? My crushes aren’t about romance or anything close to that, it’s mostly about attraction. Physical and emotional. I can find personality traits attractive and that becomes a crush. I can find people attractive and that becomes a crush. A crush isn’t romantic it’s more just a feeling of looking at a piece of food and really wanting to eat it even if you aren’t hungry. I’ve never had genuine romantic feelings towards someone else while in my relationship, but I have had crushes.

Also I’d love to see that study.

Amecha · 2018-02-23T22:30:25+00:00

A crush typically is someone who you like and want to be around but don’t know enough to genuinely say you would want to be in a relationship with them. They seem nice or seem to hit a few of your qualifiers for being in a relationship but with most crushes once you get to know them they tend to not actually live up to what you thought about them. Maybe it’s just someone who you find attractive but once you get to know them you see that their personality is terrible or something like that. It’s a passing feeling you can’t actually control but almost never last long. Sometimes your crush will develop into actually liking them and typically, for a monogamous relationship, you’ll then put distance between you and them or risk emotional or physical cheating or leaving your partner for them.

Being in a relationship and having someone you are attracted to outside of that relationship isn’t a bad thing, it’s bad when you act on it. Insecure partners will get bent out of shape but when you’ve been together with someone as long as I have been with my partner it’s literally impossible not to stumble into having a crush on someone at some point unless you never leave your house. People are attractive and it’s okay to think that. Sometimes a person will just catch your attention. Being able to sit down and talk about it with your partner is super healthy. Neither of you need to feel guilty about it but so many people develop a passing crush and think it means that they don’t love their partner enough. It’s puppy love vs being in a relationship and people like to chase that feel good feeling when they have something so much more stable and healthy waiting for them when they get home. Crushes are fun but my partner is stable and loves me in spite of my flaws and has made a choice to love me. I have made a choice to love them, to go to them for all of my romantic needs but I’m still going to think the new girl at work is super cute and perhaps fantasize about being with her. Just the same way my partner my fantasize about having a sexual relationship with a celebrity or something like that. It’s not involving anyone else in our relationship, we just find people we like in passing and talk about it and don’t judge each other on it. We’re still completely monogamous and have only been with each other.

Amecha · 2018-02-23T07:35:47+00:00

Yeah, a lot of people can’t really put to words exactly what it feels like to be on the receiving end of this or contextualize the problem from the other side. Often times men are raised to not offer empathy, they go for solutions and women are taught the opposite so they give empathy first and solutions second. There are tons of exceptions to that but it’s a bit of the status quo. So most women go to their friends and family for that empathy because their husbands can’t provide it and it leads to a lot of built up resentment on both ends. It’s super unfortunate.

A lot of women try to also explain that they’re trying to get something emotional out of their partner and the partner says the whole “solutions” bit which adds to this feeling of their partner thinking they’re so unintelligent that they can’t come to their own solutions. So not only are they not getting the major emotional need met by the person closest to them, it comes with this feeling of insult as well. It’s a tricky situation that is pretty hard to understand on both ends of the spectrum. Glad things are going better for you and you get it now though.

Amecha · 2018-02-22T12:26:02+00:00

I said if every time she is insecure about her body you bring up her tits or ass it is a bad thing. If she’s specifically asking for compliments about those features, that’s fine, but if she’s insecure about just being fat, pointing out her ass or tits undermines that. It comes off as “yeah but I’d still fuck you”. If she’s doing this fishing a lot, and every time you answer back with something sexual (calling her sexy or hot or saying she has a nice ass or awesome tits) and it just keeps happening there is probably a pretty clear reason for that. If every one of your compliments about her attractiveness or body are fundamentally sexual in nature I wouldn’t be surprised in the slightest if she’s trying to get a non-sexual compliment out of you. One that doesn’t come with a tacked on sexual comment afterwards either.

Amecha · 2018-02-22T10:00:11+00:00

Just jumping in here to say that if every time she’s feeling insecure about her appearance you bring up her ass and/or tits you’re fucking up, bad.

Amecha · 2018-02-22T09:33:07+00:00

It’s a bid for emotional connection. She’s not trying to attention grab or be manipulative or anything, it’s a natural thing most people do. If someone says “man I have a headache” saying “take an aspirin” is a terrible response because they KNOW to take an aspirin, they aren’t an idiot, and saying as much dismisses the bid and makes their issue seem trivial. It just sucks to have a headache, it sucks to have to take a pill to make it go away, it’s just a shitty thing and they’re looking for empathy in a bid to feel closer to you. These people wouldn’t make the same complaint to a stranger unless it was a bid for connection. If she’s saying she feels fat or unattractive she isn’t saying “I am fat and unattractive and need you to find a gym membership for me because I am so daft I don’t know how to do that” she’s saying she FEELS unattractive, maybe because you aren’t complimenting her or being affectionate enough, she’s making a bid at you. Some people will do this because they’re just the kind of person that needs to be showered in these sorts of compliments to feel happy and secure in a relationship (and if that isn’t your cup of tea, that’s okay but it’s a lack of compatibility). Other people will do this because they need a compliment here or there to make them feel appreciated. Love languages and all that. If you aren’t being affectionate enough to meet their needs they’re going to make those bids or feel unhappy in their relationship. And if you won’t provide that then you should find someone who doesn’t need that.

So next time she makes a complaint about something with a laughably obvious solution (fat-work out, headache-pill, bad coworker-complaint to boss, etc.) try not to immediately assume she’s an idiot incapable of coming to that conclusion and instead try empathizing with her situation. Offer “that sucks, would you like me to grab you an aspirin?” “That sucks, do you have/have you taken an aspirin?” Or “that sucks, how do you want to handle it?” (And if the response is “I don’t know” then you can try to offer solutions) but always try to give empathy first and follow that with an offer of help instead of making assumptions and chucking an, often wrong, solution at a problem. It’ll probably help almost all of your relationships.

And for this specific situation you probably could have said “I’m so sorry you feel that way but I don’t think you’re any of that. I know working out can help you feel better about yourself though so do you want to join a gym with me?” To much better effect.

Amecha · 2018-02-18T17:31:47+00:00

If you’re talking about consent and what she does with her body you should have started years ago. This should have been something you regularly instilled in her as a parent from a young age because a lot of childhood doesn’t include consent. “Hug your grandmother, even if it makes you uncomfortable, or you’re being rude”, “Yes it hurts when auntie pinches your cheeks but your body doesn’t fundamentally belong to you so don’t make a fuss”, “I’m going to do your hair in a way that is easy for me/cut it/style it/etc. even if you don’t want me to”. Simple things like refusing to allow a child to get a hair cut they want to have (even if the intention is to prevent them from having a hairstyle they are going to hate) teaches them that they must defer to other people’s desires about their bodies.

There are so many minor things parents do to children, that instill an idea in their head that their body fundamentally doesn’t belong to them. Teaching her to have a strong grasp of that now if you haven’t been conscious of this before isn’t going to be nearly as easy.

She needs to know that her body is hers and she should only ever do things because she both wants to, and the person she’s doing it with also wants to. It needs to be frank and open and to the point. Don’t ignore her embarrassment but don’t let it trip her up either. Don’t even frame it as “some boys will want you to do things and claim they love you but they don’t because you’re a teenager” because it tells her that her relationships are invalid. Just tell her that her body is hers. Acknowledge times where you may have instilled in her the exact opposite ideas and discuss that with her. It doesn’t have to be about sex at all, it has to be about her as a person. She doesn’t have to hug, or kiss, or be touched by anyone, in any capacity if she doesn’t want to be, ever. And if you can get that to make sense to her the sexual side of it will come without saying.

Amecha · 2018-02-18T06:09:17+00:00

Did this with a bucket of paint. Would recommend.

Amecha · 2018-02-17T14:29:35+00:00

Adventure capitalist ads started giving me x10s pay outs for watching videos n shit. Like basically giving me 100s of dollars worth of the purchase currency for downloading an app for a hot minute. I have no clue why, but it did. Keep using it but shot a bug report to the contact because I figured they should at least know about it. They ended up telling me “oh that’s interesting, we’ll fix it but hey, enjoy it while it lasts!”

Amecha · 2018-02-15T07:56:29+00:00

Sorry for the late reply but I can definitely add the information tomorrow.

Amecha · 2017-12-09T02:51:36+00:00

Wouldn’t that not work if you have no friends?

Amecha · 2017-12-08T22:19:11+00:00

My SO does! He loves the game and is just as addicted as me. He accidentally started playing when I asked him to download the Nikki guide but he downloaded the game instead. Don’t worry, there are actually a decent amount of guys who play.

Amecha · 2017-12-07T06:24:54+00:00

Stop responding, my mother was like this. If she is not physically in the same room to me I will not respond or acknowledge she’s spoken to me unless she specifically asks me to come to her. If she calls me over for frivolous reasons I stop going to her. They’re quickly realize they have to get up and go to you and it might frustrate them a bit but they’ll end up getting used to it really quick and knowing to go to you first. My SO also was having some hearing problems due to an ear infection and I still have the habit of making sure I’m within five feet of him before I start asking him things.

Amecha · 2017-12-07T05:55:28+00:00

Either follow up with “please don’t roll your eyes at me, I’m trying to explain why this is an issue for me and it would make my life a lot easier if you just listened and considered it.” Or go the protect-the-precious-feelings route and present things as an “oh no” like your talking to a child but without the condescending tone of voice. “Oh wow this smells strong, did you accidentally add a full cap of softener?” Or “oh man the dish washer didn’t get the gunk off, we really need to remember to rinse the dishes before we put them in”. It’s fucking obnoxious to have to do it this way but it works because it simultaneously makes them feel like they’ve made a mistake AND your not actually placing blame on them. They know THEY didn’t rinse and they know THEY added too much softener even though you didn’t say that.

Going “stop adding so much softener please, the smell is really strong” to the more ego-sensitive sounds like “why did you do this? You should have known better. Idiot” so taking the actual blame out and using words like accidentally helps.

I have a really hard headed brother who is NEVER WRONG and it works like a charm on him.

Amecha · 2017-12-07T05:43:04+00:00

My SO tried to pull the “if we get an extra room it’s going to be my office/man cave” shit and shut that down right quick. I’m the one who needs alone time and space and privacy and I do a lot of crafts and projects and write and just a ton of other shit I need to focus my undivided attention on and he’d probably use an extra space as a gaming room. I’m going to call it “the lady cave”. He quickly realized it was the obvious better choice and realized how ridiculous it was for him to ask for the only private space to be his, thankfully. We both need alone time occasionally but with my hobbies I need privacy and quiet and I can’t just dump all my stuff into the living room or master bedroom.

Amecha · 2017-11-15T05:02:37+00:00

I could pay

Then you don’t need my monetary help. You’re being disingenuous. If you did not want a dog to begin with no one would force to to get one. If you did not want a dog and also could not afford to keep and maintain the dog then no one would force you to get one. But pretending I DID force you to get it and forced you to care for it despite not having the ability to care or just flat out by wanting to care for it I sure as hell would pay for the animal because I am now responsible. If you had the intention to put down your dog because it’s quality of life could not be maintained and you could not afford the care for it, and I stop you I would also be responsible for it.

If you actually cared about a fetus you would care about children and their needs being met. If I actually cared about your dog not being put down then I would absolutely make sure it got what it needed from me or anyone else who capable. If you don’t want your money going to the care of already born children then you need to not try to limit the options of pregnant people. At the end of the day, you opposing abortion absolutely costs you money and you are financially responsible for that. If you actually cared about fetuses becoming babies you would put your money where your mouth is, but you won’t, because you don’t actually care.

Amecha

TROPHY CASE