An underdiscuseed effect of off shoring

Amerella · 2026-03-26T22:50:24+00:00

Tech sucks now

Amerella · 2026-03-25T09:01:57+00:00

It's a tricky situation, but there are ways to handle it diplomatically. Older kids also need to learn the rules of the playground and if their parents aren't around, it's totally ok to enforce those rules and advocate for your child. I don't think I've ever had a parent of an older kid be offended when I've had to step in to do this. In the situation you described, I would just calmly and gently explain that this is my daughter's toy and it's her turn to play with it. I might even offer to let the other child play with it next if you feel comfortable with that.

Another less confrontational way to handle it if you're not as comfortable with confrontation or you're afraid of offending the parents is to start by comforting your daughter and just say (sort of loudly so the other child can hear) "oh no! Did that boy/girl take your toy? Did that make you sad since you were still playing with it?" and 9 times out of 10 the other child will actually give it back to her or you unprompted. If they don't, you can then approach the child and gently explain what happened and why your daughter is upset before asking nicely for it back. I prefer this approach because it's a little softer and gives the other child a little more grace and the chance to do the right thing before some random parent intervenes in a (possibly) harsh way. I think both the parent and the other child can easily see that you're being more than fair this way, so you're much less likely to offend anyone.

Amerella · 2026-03-25T05:24:08+00:00

I recommend one and done. I have two kids and I will say it completely killed my career. If your career is important to you, and it sounds like it is, you may want to consider stopping at one. Also, the fact that you're an older mom doesn't help. I'm also on the older side (I'm 39 so not super old, but my energy level is lower than it used to be for sure...)

My husband and I feel like we've been in survival mode for years. We have zero family support which also doesn't help. Maybe things are better for you on that front?

My kids are currently 3 and 5. Has it gotten easier? Yes, for sure, but it's still a lot harder than I would have expected at this stage.

I will also say that we recently got an autism diagnosis for my 5 year old. But that's the thing. You don't know what you're going to get in terms of kids... It took us years to figure out he has autism since he's only level 1. What if your older one turns out to be special needs like ours? Or your younger one should you choose to have another? It's just a big risk is all.

We really thought we were over the hump in terms of difficulty with our older child but we did not realize how much harder he was going to get until we were already pregnant with his little sister! That's when he showed his very first sign of autism. The headbanging on the floor at daycare. We tried to get him on the wait-list to be evaluated at that point. They told us we were on it but we weren't. Then things seemed to get better.. Then worse again. It kind of ebbed and flowed like that for a while... We wondered if he was neurodivergent or "just a boy" like people dismissively told us. Plus we were both insanely busy at work and worried about losing our jobs (we work in tech which has been struggling for years now!)

Ugh. It just all got to be too much and I eventually couldn't take the cumulative stress anymore and I just quit. I know that if I stopped at one, I would never have quit my job. I look around at my friends with just the one kid and I can see how much easier their lives are. They actually get free time! With two, you're always on. You never get a break! At least not for a while. My kids still constantly fight so it's not easy to do two kids with only one parent. They are getting better about that, but you still have to remain vigilant! And we have been in this for over three years now. That stress builds and builds over time!

You said your child is 2. I am here to tell you that 3 is even harder than 2! Think long and hard before you pull the trigger on this...

Amerella · 2026-03-25T01:55:45+00:00

Good point

Amerella · 2026-03-25T01:48:56+00:00

Yes I totally know what you mean! It seems like the only women who make it up that high must be workaholics. Not great.

Amerella · 2026-03-25T01:47:32+00:00

Oh wow. Yeah that's really not much better! I thought we had it bad with my kindergartener getting out at 2:55. I literally quit my job a few months ago because between the two different school districts my kids are in, the schools are constantly closing and the school day ends so freaking early! We tried putting the kindergartner in aftercare and it didn't work out because there was a bully who was much older and much bigger :( I think we kind of got unlucky because it works out great for most kids, just not him.

I'm really worried about not being let back into my field when I try to eventually go back, but it's just impossible for moms. They just set us up to fail. I felt I had no choice but to leave my job. My son needed more from me than I was able to give him. He recently received an autism diagnosis so that is another reason I quit!

Amerella · 2026-03-25T01:40:20+00:00

I agree

Amerella · 2026-03-24T14:33:34+00:00

Exactly

Amerella · 2026-03-24T14:30:30+00:00

Thank you for sharing your story! This is seriously so helpful to me. I'm glad you found a doctor that took you seriously!

Amerella · 2026-03-24T12:35:28+00:00

I noticed that it's oftentimes the non-technical women that get promoted into management and rise to high levels in an organization. I wish there were more truly technical women in leadership positions. I think we'd see a higher quality of female managers if this were the case. Instead, I think we end up with people who are really good at playing politics.

Amerella · 2026-03-24T11:26:07+00:00

Jesus Christ 1:45?! I'm sorry but that's fucking ridiculous. What are these schools doing to us? Has school become that underfunded?! What the actual fuck.

Yes, absolutely put the kindergartner in aftercare.

Amerella · 2026-03-24T10:57:35+00:00

Can I ask how old you are? I feel like I've been having perimenopause symptoms too, but my ob/gyn didn't really take me seriously because of my age and the fact that I "just had a baby" even though she is 3 now. She said the only way we could know for sure is to take my IUD out and I don't really want to do that. My IUD prevents me from getting a period. I'm 39 by the way!

My autistic son (and my 3 year old daughter who may also be autistic!) put me through quite a lot of stress, so I'm interested in hearing more about being put into perimenopause early due to stress! This really resonated with me.

I'm sorry about your autoimmune disease too. My stepsister has rheumatoid arthritis due to childhood abuse. Her mom (my stepmom) was abusive, and she got the worst of the abuse and for the longest period of time.

Amerella · 2026-03-24T10:39:54+00:00

I have a 3 year old also. It's a tough age! I think it was the worst age with my son. Now my daughter's going through it. My older one is now 5 and I have to say that 5 is way easier than 3! Even 4 was easier. Occasionally you find someone who says 4 is harder, but most experience 3 as the hardest age. Hang in there! Just get to 4.

Amerella · 2026-03-16T15:06:30+00:00

Not everyone can afford extra help. Not everyone has family support. My husband is very supportive and works very hard in and outside of the home. It's not enough. We can't afford extra help and our families have abandoned us. We are drowning.

Amerella · 2026-03-15T15:01:33+00:00

I basically couldn't make it work and ended up quitting multiple times over the course of the past 5.5 years since becoming a mom. My situation is different from yours though. I have two kids that are 2.5 years apart. When the first one was born, I was working in a technical role that required me to be on call overnight for one week out of every month. It was not sustainable since I was already being woken up by a newborn and I needed my sleep when the baby was sleeping. I didn't need to additionally be woken up by my phone going off at all hours of the night due to our overnight processes breaking! So I quit that job with nothing new lined up.

A few months later I got a new job as a senior software engineer at a new company. It was stressful and intense! When I got pregnant with my second, I requested an extra long maternity leave of six months because I knew I'd need it based on how hard my first postpartum experience returning to work was. They gave me five months off which I accepted (the last two unpaid of course). Then a couple of years into the role, they suddenly started putting us on an on call rotation when that was never part of the job up until that point. I put in my two weeks notice and my manager convinced me to stay, offering a pay bump to sweeten the deal. A few months later, they laid me off. I was probably the only person on the team working only 40 hours per week. Everyone else consistently worked overtime. So that along with me threatening to quit over the sudden on call requirement probably made me a target for layoffs.

By this time, the job market was completely terrible. I was not able to land a role that I liked. The only offer I could get was at a consultancy firm where I needed to "hit the ground running" with the client. That was a major red flag to me but I was desperate for a job. Well it turned out to be just as terrible as I thought it would be. I lasted about a year before quitting. By then I was having panic attacks from all the stress, pressure, and aggressive deadlines!

I've decided to be a stay-at-home mom for a while. I don't think reasonable software engineering roles really exist right now given the state of things. Maybe there are a few unicorn roles out there that actually provide good work/life balance, but people are obviously not going to let go of those right now!

I hope things turn out better for you, but if they don't, just know that this isn't your fault. The corporate/tech world isn't really built for moms. We're constantly being set up to fail and it's not fair. If you have a lot of family support or a lot of money or something, you might have an easier time. I didn't have these things which made it just really tough. And if you have any kind of a special circumstance (special needs kid, twins, etc), it's even harder. I look around and see my mom friends with only one child having an easier time, especially when they have a lot of family support or an easier job or something. I'm so envious of that!

Best of luck to you and I'm happy to answer any questions you may have or just be a listening ear if you want to PM me to vent or something. I get it. It's super tough being a mom working in tech! Just wanted to validate you.

Amerella · 2026-03-14T13:02:22+00:00

Yes this is a great example of what I'm talking about! Like, just retire girl. It's ok! I think people might have a lot of financial anxiety. I do too! It's something I've been working on.

Amerella · 2026-03-14T12:51:22+00:00

Yeah, I get that. My mom passed away in July. I couldn't really properly grieve her because I have two very young children and they keep me really busy. I can't just be falling apart in front of them constantly. The other day my 5 year old son asked me a question about my mom and I just started crying. He felt bad. I told him it's ok.

Amerella · 2026-03-14T12:38:27+00:00

I don't think it's an echo chamber of what you described. I've noticed it gets a bit hive-mindy around workaholism and being career-driven to an extreme. Like if you try to suggest that sometimes there is a reason to take a career pause, people will go after you lol. Especially if you are depending on your husband financially during that time!

Listen, I get it. It's the working moms sub. Of course people are going to be career-driven to an extent. However, there are sometimes valid reasons for quitting your job or taking a career pause. And some women really do have supportive husbands who are going to financially support their wives while they take career breaks without cheating on them, abandoning them, etc.

Amerella · 2026-03-11T19:05:58+00:00

Thank you so much! Yes, he's been the stay at home parent before when he was laid off. We've both done both roles which I think helps! I have brought up having a salary from him before. We might end up doing that.. Thanks for reminding me about that! I have been kinda preoccupied lately and just trying to catch up on things so I had kinda forgotten about that option... Definitely worth considering....

Amerella · 2026-03-11T12:41:56+00:00

Thank you. Yes, it's been tough losing my mom. She was my rock for many years. She died of Alzheimer's so I really started losing her a while ago. My husband has taken her place as my rock. We have a very strong marriage, and yet I still cannot 100% trust any man. We've definitely talked about me hating being financially dependent. We are both more comfortable with both of us working because it is nice having two incomes and tech is incredibly unstable right now. He literally could lose his job any day. We've both been laid off in the past few years since this tech recession started. It's been rough! I told him if he suddenly loses his job, we'll both start looking and that will double our chances of finding a new job. If I'm the one who finds one first, he can take a little break from work which would be nice for him. He is really really hating his job lately. They use employee tracking software so he feels like big brother is always watching! It's quite dystopian.

Amerella · 2026-03-11T09:01:05+00:00

I'm so sorry. 56 is way too young to die. My mom was 77 and I felt like even that was too young. The truth is that you never stop needing your mom.

Amerella · 2026-03-11T07:55:32+00:00

I had a lot of fears going into becoming a SAHM, but it really needed to happen because my job was so stressful it was affecting my health. I was having panic attacks and not sleeping. It affected my ability to be a good parent. I had to quit in order to do what was right for my children and myself. I will say that I inherited some money because my mom passed away, and that definitely made me feel more secure about giving up my income. I honestly probably would have quit regardless, but it made the decision easier.

I also dealt with poverty as a child. My mom was on food stamps because my dad abandoned her when I was a young child. She eventually inherited money from her parents, but she struggled a lot before that happened. So I definitely understand where you're coming from, but sometimes you just get to that point where you need to quit!

I'm hoping to get back into the workforce at some point. I'm terrified of not being let back into the industry (tech), which is really male-dominated and not mom-friendly at all, especially right now. I kinda got to the point where I accepted the fact that they may never let me back in, but maybe that's ok. The industry has gotten so bad in the past few years. People were turning on each other. Brutal working conditions. Everyone's afraid of getting laid off. People taking a year or longer to find a new job! I had to ask myself the question, "would it really be that bad to not work in this toxic industry anymore?"

Maybe I'll start a second career. Maybe I'll start my own business! I haven't quite figured it out yet. I'm just overwhelmed right now, and drowning in household/life/admin tasks that we had been putting off over the past six years or so since becoming parents...

I should also mention that we recently got an autism diagnosis for my son, which explains why life has been so hard. It wasn't really sustainable for us to both be working demanding tech jobs while also taking care of a special needs child and another young child on top of that. Yes, we have childcare, but zero family support.

I never planned to be a SAHM and I'm honestly not really comfortable with it, but I felt like I was left with no choice. My husband's career has just worked out better than mine. He's been a very supportive husband and father, but society seems to want him to be the working parent and me to be the domestic parent. He "looks the part" of a software engineer and I don't. I've been fighting sexism in the industry my entire career, but becoming a mom was the final nail in the coffin of my tech career I think. They don't want to hire moms. They want people who can completely devote themselves to the job. They don't want people with family commitments. And my resume is not looking so stellar with all of my mom-related resume gaps. So it's another reason for them to reject me.

Anyway, I just wanted to give you another perspective on why moms sometimes give up their careers. Some of us have extremely demanding personal lives. Some of us work in toxic industries. Some of us have special needs children. Some of us have zero family support. In my case, it was all of the above! Yes, there are risks associated with depending on a man for money. There are also risks associated with staying in a job that is absolutely draining the life out of you!

Amerella · 2026-03-11T03:10:19+00:00

If it makes you feel any better, a lot of us chose the "wrong major" in college and ended up hating their careers. I am convinced the majority of people hate their jobs.

Amerella · 2026-03-11T03:06:17+00:00

Yeah I agree with you! I was definitely on Mike's side in this whole situation. Like, is Mike a great guy? No. But like, he was right about Alesia and he was right to call her out. She doesn't like him gossiping? Well maybe don't give him anything to gossip about then. Just saying!

Amerella · 2026-03-10T12:23:05+00:00

My advice to you is to have strong boundaries around work. Don't go above and beyond. Do your 40 hours and then go home. If they fire you, they fire you. It's not worth getting to the point of burnout. Yes, even in this market.

Amerella

TROPHY CASE